sadgrillsonly - Tumblr blog

[sadgrillsonly]

I wish I wasn’t so desperate to be loved.

It would make things so much easier.

This sinking feeling I get in my chest wouldn’t pain me in the middle of the night.

Every little thing people did against me wouldn’t feel so personal.

I wouldn’t feel the immense amount of sadness that washes over me at the end of the day.

Being alone wouldn’t be so painful.

[sadgrillsonly]

I’m surrounded by love, but you make me hate myself.

[sadgrillsonly]

I’ve never had anyone care about me. Not in the way they’re supposed to be present. Every one I’ve ever been with has tried to treat me like an object. Not a person. If I didn’t agree, shut out. If I didn’t like something and spoke up about it, shut out.

Never had anyone buy me flowers. Never had anyone celebrate my birthday. Never had anyone be consistent and reassure me without getting mad at me for being so insecure. Never had anyone listen to my story and truly appreciate the pain I’ve dealt with and want to help prevent more pain.

Everyone I’ve ever let in has hurt me.

Everyone I’ve ever let in has left me.

Everything hurts everyday.

Everyday I’m reminded maybe I’m not capable of being loved. Maybe I don’t deserve the love I’ve always been looking for. Maybe my place is to love always. But never be loved in return. Loving me is too taxing. Maybe loving me is too hard. Maybe I just don’t deserve it.

[sadgrillsonly]

How good it must feel, to love someone who loves you back.

[sadgrillsonly]

[sadgrillsonly]

Why are you so good at making me feel unwanted and unworthy?

And why is it so hard for me to walk away?

[sadgrillsonly]

One day you wake up and everything’s ok. You get your morning text. You get messages throughout the day that make you smile. Then by 11pm, they’re blocked. Your heart has to learn how to exist alone again. Your mind has to process everything that just happened. A part of you is lost but you’ll wear it like nothing happened the next day. You’ll smile and go about your day with no texts. No calls. Not even a good morning text. By the end of the day you can’t help but lie in bed and think about all the ways things went wrong. You’ll do everything to remember what it felt like to be held and kissed for the last time. You’ll cry and hurt all over again. He won’t text you. He won’t call you. He never even cared about you.

[sadgrillsonly]

He left me.

Why do they always leave me?

[sadgrillsonly]

I never make it out of the taking phase. It’s like I’m meant to be alone forever. They always date me just enough for me to get my hopes up. Then leave me to my broken heart. I care too much. Too soon. How am I supposed to not catch feelings if you tell me everything I want to hear and do everything I want you to do. You give me false hope. A false idea of me finally being the girl people want long enough to date. I’m never that girl. I don’t know if I’m ever be her.

[sadgrillsonly]

I remembered when we lay in bed together, your head resting on my chest. You told me how much you loved hearing my heartbeat and smiled up at me. I replied, confessing my love for your heartbeat too, but admitting my fear of ever hearing it stop. Eventually, it did stop, but only for me.

[sadgrillsonly]

Maybe I just don’t deserve to be loved in this lifetime.

Maybe the next one? Probably not.

[sadgrillsonly]

“You will search for me in another person, I promise.”

— Unknown

[sadgrillsonly]

I’m so stupid to think you miss me the way I miss you.

[sadgrillsonly]

Everything in my life feels like a tragedy.

The way my heart breaks like clockwork makes me sick.

I want to curl up and wash away with everything around me.

The way I was made so gentle and tender feels like a curse.

I love too much, too hard, too fast.

I want to be angry but instead I cry until I’m numb.

Maybe I’m not meant to be here. Maybe I’m not meant to be happy.

[sadgrillsonly]

I understand you never cared about me.

But my heart always cared about you.

I genuinely cared about you.

It’s hard for me to move on.

If I could talk to you one last time. I would.

[sadgrillsonly]

Maybe tragedy is meant to follow me everywhere.

At all times of the day when I think I’m feeling joy for once. I can’t.

When he talks to me and I jump head first into his heart knowing that I’ll hit the bottom before anyone else.

It’s as if the pain that has cut me over and over all these past years feels too familiar for me to ever live without.

It’s almost as if I enjoy the cleanse that comes with each new wave of tears.

The tightness in my chest only intensifies with each phone call and my mind runs miles ahead.

Tragedy precedes me. It always has and always will.

[sadgrillsonly]

Part of me knew you’d always hurt me.

I still let you in.

Why am I always so desperate to be loved?

Don’t I know that I’m always the one who ends up hurt in the end?