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[sadgrrrlfeelings]

June 7, 2018 job update vs early 2017

I wrote this post in early 2017. In November that year I got promoted to supervisor with a $2 raise. My hopes that year were just for $1. I challenged the fuck out of myself and made it $2. I worked my ass off and put my blood, sweat and tears into that place an went from $24,000 to $27,840 dollars in less than a year. I make $3,840 more this year than I did last year. It may not seem like a lot to some people, but in a company where racism and racist acts are rampant, discrimination is common and you have to bust your ass just for a decent raise  it means a hell of a lot. I got two promotions in 2017 and I ultimately plan to make buyer or assistant manager by the end of the year if I don’t get a better job off etc. I doubt myself a lot, but the numbers don’t lie. I need to know my self worth. I am worthy of everything I achieved and I did it all by myself.

Raises & a running start in 2017

If I get a dollar raise I’ll make 25,920 in 2017

I’ve definitely improved from 2014 to now

In 2014 I made 22,080

I left my job and went to work at my former job in 2015

I made 22,560 starting.

When I left in September I made around 23,020

In September I took a risk and left my full time job. Lost my insurance and took a leap of faith after a year and half of sexual harassment and emotional abuse at my job. Went part time back to old company, my current job, with no guarantees of full time. I only got paid 11.50. In 2 months I was full time. In 4 months I have a promotion and a dollar raise. Now  I am making 24,000. I need to go back to school so I can make more money of course, but I am doing damn good to be only 24 and no degree. Imagine what I can do with a degree.

[sadgrrrlfeelings]

3/22/18 2:05pm

Yeah so P. is a really nice guy. I think tonight will be a date, but he is still so adamant about us not rushing into anything, I mean I get that. The issue is the more I wait the more I want to sleep with him ASAP. He is so nice and seems so interested in me, We have so much in common and we also seem to have the same mentality. The only issue is I don’t know if I could deal with being tied up every single time I have sex with someone. Also that would mean he has to be sober every single time we have sex. I mean if he is fine with that then okay, but like I like vanilla and kinky sex. I don’t need it to always be rough bondage and bruises. Sometimes I just want to have sex and be in love with the moment.

Anyway. I feel like I am safe to go out into the dating world if things didn’t work out with P. I felt trapped with J. in the end. Then I wasted all that time with the other J. who went back to his ex. Ugh anyway I need to live for the moment and enjoy being single. If Patrick is the one for me we’ll find out sooner rather than later. I mean he actively wants to go to play events with me and that says a lot. Positive thoughts and manifestations only. That is all I need in my life right now.

[sadgrrrlfeelings]

Band recs for Patrick

Christian Death - Only Theatre Of Pain

Skeletal Family - Best Of

Virgin Prunes - ...If I Die, I Die

Xmal Deustchland - Tocsin

The Birthday Party - Junkyard and Prayers On Fire

Switchblade Symphony - Serpentine Gallery

Specimen - Azoic

I’m sure you’ve heard of Echo & The Bunnymen, but if not listen to Ocean Rain.

Killing Joke - Night Time

Earth - Primitive and Deadly

King Dude has a few songs with Chelsea Wolfe you’ll probably like those. I like his album Sex.

Kylesa - Static Tension and Spiral Shadow

Graveyard - Graveyard

[sadgrrrlfeelings]

2/27/2018 The past 2 weeks recap

You ever feel so alone. So heart broken. So bitter and alone that you don’t know what to do. Scott was lying about liking me. He was so worried about how everyone would treat him if he turned me down that he lead me on instead. Which makes no sense at all. Why would you pretend to like someone just to not hurt their feelings. If he had just rejected me I would have been fine. But to lie to me. He had the audacity to say he didn’t want me to be mad at him and wished we could be friends. How could I want to be friends with someone like that. Someone who lies and can’t even tell the truth about what they want.

So out of desperation for new human interaction and an attempt to meet new people I made an OKC account the next day. It has been 48 hours and I have almost 90 likes, but I can’t see any of them. Unless I pay 5 dollars a month which is ridiculous.

I guess the older I get the more I worry about ending up alone. My acne and skin issues use to be what made me feel ugly. But now they have cleared up for the most part after struggling from the age of 13 to 25. Now it’s my fat ass (literally) that is getting in my way. I need to make these changes asap. I have lost 7lbs since January 10th. It doesn’t seem like much to some people, but I haven’t been under 208lbs in 3 years. I want to be better. Healthier. Pretty. Feminine. Sexy. and sweet. Victoria’s Secret Model when clocked out, Pole dance on the weekends and adorably cute at work.

Fuck men who lead me on. Fuck men who think I am too weak or fragile for the truth. Fuck fake friends. Fuck hurt feelings. Learn and grow from this. Look back at this time as a far off distant memory. Laugh at the hurt he caused someday with real friends and a love that is based on honesty. You will get through this. Do not let men break you down or make you cry. You have to be strong.

[sadgrrrlfeelings]

[sadgrrrlfeelings]

May 2017 to February 2018

I fell in and out of love many times during this time. I loved my best friend of 11 years and dated him for 7. I fell in like with Jeffrey, but he was never in it 100 percent and I chose to leave him. I spent money and traveled to see him, but after the second time I knew it was over for me. Never sex in a car for anyone. Never date anyone who won’t show you off.

And then. I feel for you. I developed a crush on you in January. After my heart was trying to heal from the whirlwind of heartbreak and hurt. You with your kind soul and conversations seem like an escape from hurt. I know you’ve been hurt and we are barely 1 date in trying to figure it out, but I like you so much because of the potential and the mutual understanding of hurt and distrust. I want you.

But will you give me a chance. That is what I want to spend the next few months deciding. Hopefully in a few months, or even before that, we’ll know if we are compatible and can work.

[sadgrrrlfeelings]

11/11/17 2am Update photos of 2 weeks of Murad Rapid Skin Lightning Serum. Flash and without flash. It's working so well. I can tell I,will be able to stop use on most of my face before that one large spot on my cheek. I'm so happy.

[sadgrrrlfeelings]

Week 1 of Rapid Lightening Serum 11/2/17

It's been 7 days of using the serum and I can see a difference in the color and darkness of the marks on my face already. Not much change in the darkest spots, but it's still at least a shade lighter. This has made me so hopeful. I think I will use this on my few spots of body acne on my chest eventually, but for now I want to see how well my face turns out.

[sadgrrrlfeelings]

Murad Rapid Age Spot and Pigment Lightening Serum

I started using this rapid lightening serum on October 26th after months of debating about it. The Hydroquinone in it made me nervous for many reasons. The biggest my issues with being dark skinned and skin bleaching. I use to bleach my skin on my face to be lighter because I was embarrassed to have multiple skin tones on my face. I had a reaction to what I was using so I stopped. This was years ago, but the thought of putting anything with bleaching agents on my skin seemed like a slap in the face of my blackness. Ultimately I obviously decided to still give this a try. I’ve had hyperpigmentation and bad scars due to cystic acne and just bad oily skin since high school.

At 25 I’ve had enough of the physical scars. My skin is better than it’s ever been, but to the outside world it looks like shit still. If only the knew how painful this experience and cystic acne has been for me. I though of Accutane when my acne was at it’s worse, but seeing how bad it gets before getting better I couldn’t stand the though of the extra ridicule from coworkers and family members about my bad skin.

Now that I have a skin regime that works I decided to just focus on the dark spots. So here is my face right before treatment. The next post will be my week 1 thoughs

[sadgrrrlfeelings]

This loneliness

I feel extremely depressed. My dad called me fat today. I’ve been so sad about my weight for a while now. My thyroid is causing me to struggle with weight loss. They also think I have PCOS. I am tired of there always being something wrong with me. Too hard to love. Too hard to cry. Too hard to not let these medical issues get the best of me. I want love and affection. I want a boyfriend. I want discussed boundaries and to be called your girlfriend. I want to feel wanted and loved and cared about. I want you to shout it to the roof tops. THAT YOU LOVE ME. that I am worth it. That you feel as strongly as I do. Masking the growing feelings is harder than not having them.

But put on a smile B. You gotta love him with it all and wait for him to tell you he feels the same way. Gotta get that body in shape so he can be proud to have you.

He said.I liek you the way you are. I like bigger girls. Don’t take it the wrong way. Tell me you want me. Tell me you love me. Tell me you care.

I’m gibing you all my time and energy and your so far away. I may be infertile!? Fertility is an issue if you have PCOS. The specialist mentioned it to me Wednesday. I told you I was fine with you not wanting more kids. How could I predict that I may have fertility issues. I am drowning in my feelings. I am trying so hard to run away from the pain in my heart.

This is the worst thing that could be my reality. I wanted kids. I use to say I would never have them. Can I regurgitate those feelings. Can I swallow the pill of not being in control of something for once. My anxiety is on 100 percent stress mode right now. I am so sad. I am so not ready for all of to crash around.

The calm. Fuck the calm. I know this damn tornado was gonna rip me back open and peel me back like the onions I cut daily. Lord help me. I’m drowning.

[sadgrrrlfeelings]

what we need to start doing is stop paying attention to these silly mediocre ass music niggas and giving our coin and attention to these black women currently makin good ass music thats actually about shit

[sadgrrrlfeelings]

[sadgrrrlfeelings]

Okay so I totally have to let these feelings out somewhere. This is a long post. Sorry! lol So yesterday afternoon I got a call from a random number. It was this guy I had the biggest crush on last year when we worked together. The whole time we talk i'm thinking maybe those feelings I had weren't one sided. So he's like i'm at a park can you meet me. And i'm thinking okay he wants to go to a park he just wants to catch up. Well I get there and he's looking fine as hellm Just pure sex appeal like how I remembered. I ask what's up. Why meet here? He tells me has had feelings for me since we worked together, but didn't pursue me because he was dealing with a bad break up. And that he felt like a park was a neutral place to meet. He then asks could I see myself dating him and that he hopes him have kids won't scare me away. Which is totally not an issue for me. He says he's afraid to put himself out there after all those years with his ex. He says he needed the last year to deal with the end of a such a long relationship which was a huge chunk of his life and move on. He says he couldn't stop thinking about me since the day he left, but didn't want to rush into trying to date me because he liked me too much to mess it up. So since the ball is in my court I ask all the details I need about his life. Are you really single. Are you sure your not living with your ex. etc. Because I am friends with someone who knows his ex so if he lies I will find out. I tell him to please be honest always because I have been cheated on and that shit sucks. I wouldn't help anyone do that to someone else. So after that talk he asks can he kiss me and I say yeah. We start making out and it gets a little too passionate so I'm like whoa slow down let's go on a date first and see if we have chemistry still besides just sexual tension because I damn sure am not having sex with you just because you confessed feelings for me. lol He promises next week we'll go on a date. Am I being naive to think a guy could really like you that long and get back in contact? I also am just worried that he might be telling me he's single and not be. 10 years is a long time to be together then have all feelings gone in a year. I would think. I don't know. I like him a lot and I'm scared to get hurt.

[sadgrrrlfeelings]

Raises & a running start in 2017

If I get a dollar raise I’ll make 25,920 in 2017

I’ve definitely improved from 2014 to now

In 2014 I made 22,080

I left my job and went to work at my former job in 2015

I made 22,560 starting.

When I left in September I made around 23,020

In September I took a risk and left my full time job. Lost my insurance and took a leap of faith after a year and half of sexual harassment and emotional abuse at my job. Went part time back to old company, my current job, with no guarantees of full time. I only got paid 11.50. In 2 months I was full time. In 4 months I have a promotion and a dollar raise. Now  I am making 24,000. I need to go back to school so I can make more money of course, but I am doing damn good to be only 24 and no degree. Imagine what I can do with a degree.

[sadgrrrlfeelings]

Wardrobe colors and staple piece ideas

Clothing colors: Black, Gray, Burgundy/Oxblood, White/Offwhite Accessories: black, gold accents, neutral pink, brown Shoes: Black, brown, a fun pattern or design