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[sadorwhatever]

He tells me my anger clouds my judgement but I think when I’m angry is the only times I see him for what he really is.

[sadorwhatever]

Last night we fought because I asked him to take the dog out and he put it off for 6 entire hours. I asked him to do it because I had a migraine so bad I couldn’t get up without nausea. Normally I take care of the dog entirely. Feeding her, washing her, grooming her, all me. Situations like this remind me why.

It’s so cold where we live, he kept saying he’d do it when it got warmer or the weather let up but that’s just not going to happen where we live. Eventually at the 6 hour mark I asked again if he could do it, he asked if he could wait until after he ate. We had just ordered food which wouldn’t show up for 20 more mins. At this point the dog hadn’t gone out for like 15 hours. I said I’d do it and it was then that he got angry with me and said he do it in a few minutes (which I’ve heard so many times and usually means he’s not going to do it). I didn’t believe him and started to get up, but he shut me down and his voice got dark and he said “I’ll just do it now.”

He then did it and we had a talk where he said I was mean to him and the way I treated him made him sad. Like what the fuck. This morning my migraine was better and I took her out (in colder weather than it was last night). I hate him a lot of the time these days.

When I point out how little he does, he says he feeds us, gets groceries, and takes us to work. But to be honest if he wasn’t here I could handle all of those things myself. If I wasn’t here I don’t believe he’d do laundry, throw out trash, do dishes, care for the dog, make the bed, organize, or even charge his own damn controllers. Can’t even brush his own hair. I feel like a fucking maid.

[sadorwhatever]

I want to leave this relationship. We fight every day. I’m so lonely. Every day there’s a new thing I’ve done wrong that he tells me about. He’s always on the verge of breaking up with me for being such a horrible person. If that’s the case he should just do it at this point.

He refuses to get help for any medical conditions, physical or mental. Refuses to learn how to properly care for his hair. Wont listen to me when I offer to help, in fact we had a fight about it recently where he got mad that I considered him incapable of caring for his hair. When he literally is.

I don’t want to be alive in this world. Maybe I really am a lesbian. I can’t find it in myself to be properly attracted to him or other men but I’m constantly looking at women. I want to leave and start fresh. But I’m stuck here. I’m alone in this state and this country, with legal and physical baggage I can’t just abandon. If we break up I’m still financially tied to him. I don’t want him to become homeless because of the money he still owes.

He keeps mentioning buying a house too, like our life is sustainable enough to invest decades worth of debt into. It’s insane, one day I’m mean to him every day and make him so sad. The next day we should buy a house. I think we both know we’re doomed but neither of us wants to admit it.

[sadorwhatever]

Just wanna die at this point. I’m so tired of all of this. I finally made a friend for the first time in 5 goddamn years and I fucked it up immediately.

My romantic relationship is falling apart. I can’t sleep. I can’t cry. I’m so fucking empty inside. I can’t feel joy and everything is a chore. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. I don’t want to keep living this life. I don’t want this.

I can’t even tell anyone irl how I really feel because they’re all tired of me feeling this way. I’m tired of it too. Either that or I just can’t tell them the truth. I know all the right words to make it sound like I’m thriving but I’m not really. I feel like I’ve been walking on asphalt for miles and miles and I’ve worn my heels down to the bone. I’m so tired it doesn’t even hurt anymore.

I wish it was all over