saemihaw

[saemihaw]

I need to actually shut up

like genuinely what the hell am I feeling horrible over

oh noooooo it's so hard to- shut up honestly 😭😭

I have it goooood

I have it pretty good literally what the fuck am I crying here

[saemihaw]

We made hamburgers thr other day and I cut all the ingredients and fried us french fries while my mom did and grilled the steak for them

and my sibling after taking fries went like "Thank youu, taking one for the team like always"

and I'm like nooo I haven't done fucking anything recently 😭😭

well not like that but like naaaa please don't say that I have done nothing much recently

Ughh. I know I am not supposed to be doing everything and stuff and I try not to

but I feel sooooooo bad about it

ugh

someone hit me with a hammer

[saemihaw]

I feel like one of my younger brother feels dissapointed of me as an older sibling.

I used to be so much better sibling and lot more present and I know it's not entirely my fault like girl I did not decide to move out and gyfjcu

but I feel so bad

He sounded genuinely sad I didn't remember couple things. Although one of the things was me not remembering a movie I swear I haven't seen but he sounds sad I don't remember

I mean none of my other siblings remember thsy movie either but like aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Also he seemed sad I don't remember him like ? making cheese breaf or something he apparently has done many times?

but the thing is I haven't lived here when he has been doing them a lot. I'm sorry I genuinely do not remember if it's something I've seen or eaten only once a year ago or something :(((

I do not remember much from what the hell has been around last three years at some times it's been weird

I feel so quilty

I honestly felt like crying when we were playing this game where I had try guessing words and I honestly had no idea

kficihhvhhjcj

Ughh I feel like I'm failing at showing how much I care even though I really try

I do try

He's sad I haven't watched all shows he has recommended to me

I'm sorryyyyy

ughhh

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I'll just go fucking cry

It's a curse to be the eldest daughter sister fr

I cannot only live for them either but like hxugigig

feels like you're letting someone down in some way no matter what sometimes

especially with many siblings

I try to be involved in their interests and listening and asking about them and do them too but I don't always have the energy for everything

And when you're supposed to try giving equally time for them and stuff

I am literally crying rn

I watched my own show I haven't in weeks because it's also been too hot for that

and now I'm feeling crap like why am I watching this when I'm supposed to be doing stuff with them

Also

I've been here couple months now and I don't even help loading or unloading the dishes for my mother?

feel the laziest person ever and selfish and like just aaaaaaa

I do help making food whenever it's something we all are kind of eating or it's something like cutting something etc

I do my own food mostly but she's buying them

and here I am just doing absolutely fucking nothing

grown ass adult me just comes here to do fucking nothing

fucking cool

I am actually crying why do I feel so horrible over this no one is really actually mad over this honestly what the hell

[saemihaw]

Was it always this chill? It was not

It was not right?

Not even most of the time

Like it was a lot most of the time right? It was mostly actually just yelling and fighting and crying and all thattttttt

It was ..?

Was it?

Am I fucking imagining things like what the fuck

Seriouslyyyyyyyyy was I just that dramatic that it felt like a lot?

nooo but seriously did I make things escalate to a bigger things than they sometimes were?

What the hell

ugh

I was literally just stirring up a bigger fights

Why the hell was I even fighting my parents fights either like that fucking helped no one

did it?

is he better?

I suppose he is? is he?

or is it just that I'm not here speaking up my mind all the time

that fucking sucks though if yes

God I fucking hate himmmm

but like

it's not my problem

Right?

Ughhhhh

If I still lived here though just aaaaaaaaaaaaa

If I never even moved away he'd still be the same fucking jerk making me fucking do everything

Or is it that I couldn't stay away myself

ugh

Anyway I feel like I've been part of the problem

Seriously

Ugh

[saemihaw]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa been feeling anxious again and having few panic attacks and the dreams have not been a nice reminder of things

Yay

it's alrighttt

[saemihaw]

rarely swe dream where I woke up breathing heavy

[saemihaw]

tw. cocsa

why do we still have that magnetic pic of him on the fridge

it used to have heart sticker too but it has fallen

but

why do wr still keep that there?😭😭 girl have you seen us talking in YEARS

my family got a new fridge and put the magnetic pics back

the pic of him and younger me is next to each other

like that has to be on purpose

I get it. I do.

but isn't that bit weird now like

there's no reason to have the magnet there

I looked at it yesterday and I my mind kinda of stopped for a moment

I had dream about him too

I don't even know how to explain if it was bad or not

just kind of. eugh. why am I seeing dreams of him now where he like comes back to my life

it's conflicting because it's not like I'm mad

I am not

just mostly thinking what the fuck

Young picture of him or me

how were you doing things

I feel sick.

What do you mean I was doing that at that age

THE FIRST TIME WITH THAT TOO ???

With THAT

that feels uh

kind of unsafe u know

ew

ew

ew

ew

ew

I hate it

I hate how I can track it down to why I'd have some thoughts and why I'd be doing stuff and ugh

What do you mean

it kind of hurt toooo if not carefull but ew ew still I'd ew

ew

eww

ew

yeah anyway

ew

fucking ew

what do you mean he'd talk me to kiss uhhh um

and let him too

because it was just a challenge

like

I don't know how to feel about it because I do remember being talked into couple few things.

Like they'd all be his ideas at least at first times

and I do remember being a bit like um

that's kind of weird. what if someone sees

that thing specifically I do remember feeling little... disgusting. but it's a challenge. that's the challenge.

now I think how that was his idea. like it's something he wanted to do. like I wouldn't have exactly wanted to, but it's a challenge.

but was it even a 'challenge' for him if he wanted to do it himself.

I don't know

it feels absurd to think of being a small kid doing something like that

and that game too. Like. it'd be just a game he'd come up with so we'd like.

ew

it feels weird

we were literally the same age too. literally born in the same month. how did he know about so many stuff

I am concerned

[saemihaw]

it's just. she's so nice. She is nice. when I'm here. understanding too.

but

sometimes I stop and think about it

she's sweet just when I'm not being difficult u know

[saemihaw]

tw.

Ughh. I'd want to cry and have someone hug me

but like. with who and what would I even say

I want to cry and say how much I miss living here

I want to tell my mother how much it actually hurts she just left me out of nowhere

and ask why she didn't even care or look me in the eyes. why doesn't she check up on me when I'm not here

why would she used to get so mad at me for acting like a parent to my siblings and protect them when it's you who everyday told me I was basically like a mother

how can you tell me you hate me and not talk to me in days just because just ugh

Also I want to talk about that thing that happened as kid that I've realized and been feeling physically sick over too

how could you like not..... get concerned and intervene if you felt something weird could be going on

like even if nothing was happening at all. how do you not get worried if ur child burst into tears by mentioning about it and they say they tried stopping it but it didn't work

why wouldn't you even first ask about it either and just first time mentioning about it is by you telling the kid to stop it from happening because it makes you uncomfortable

not that it would matter otherwise then but u just don't want to see it because you feel weird

I feel sick. I do feel sick

and then just tell them to just not go with it then and stuff but not in anyway helping or supporting me and just

I do feel sick because you literally felt something was weird or off

You at least had the feeling. you had saw something. but you try to ignore it

imagine if it had been something so much worse too

thinking about that and thinking of her reacting like that makes me sick

ugh

I feel nauseous again

everytime I think about that deeper I end up feeling so very sick I want to throw up

and I sometimes do when thinking about it

that has to mean it actually did affect me

like. throwing up over thinking about it

is not good right

ew eugh I feel so physically sicj

[saemihaw]

panic attack today earlierrrr

I feel so sick

anxious. not feeling gooood. ughhh.

been thinking about that now more again which I haven't in a while or felt that bad over it again

now I've been feeling sick thinking about it again

the doors here are wooden the house is wooden the wallpaper is similar to that house and it sometimes reminds me of it and I pause and feel weird and I feel like I'm also feeling things over other things too I can't visualize

just the feeling of something and reminder of something and it really fucks me up like wtff

am I having valid panic attack over something and why do I feel odd about some things but don't remember why even

probably just overthinking it but ughh

eugh

I don't feel good tonight

[saemihaw]

it actually hurts when I'm staying longer times here and I'm happy because I have my siblings here and I feel so at home I forget I don't actually live here.

ugh

Read my venting and was just like oh yeah had a bad day.

then reads me saying how it hurts to remember I don't live here

and now I'm instantly crying

I don't live here

not by my own choice either. My mother just left me like it was nothing like she didn't care about leaving me. Trying to constantly say how I wanted this anyway

as if I hadn't felt vulnerable just a while ago trying to be honest and say I didn't actually feel ready to move out yet and didn't want to even if I often did say I'd move the second I can

I never wanted to move away. I just watched to be able to breathe. To rest. to be. only be responsible of myself.

I was fucking tired. I am still fucking tired.

I didn't want to move. I just felt like I couldn't handle it anymore and I'd be so triggered so easily and be always on alert and be expecting to always do stuff too and just

me literally basically begging and sometimes crying saying I just want one day where I'm not expected to do something and be told how lazy I am or instantly compared to how much others have been doing

Can I breath

this actually hurts

my mother is si nice now too

when I still lived here she yelled me she hated me when I was trying to explain to them what panic attacks are and how to help someone having one

but yeah sorry

I don't understand how things are so much better here too now

why are my parents more present and understanding towards my siblings now that I don't live here?

That's awesome of course!!! would nor want anything else they deserve everything

but why the fuck would I have to have these long talks with my parents and arguments and sending articles about stuff and trying to make them understand and be better and then she leaves me and suddenly is capable of being more good u know

both of them

nit mean. not insulting like that or blaming problems on them

Was I the fucking problem

I think I actually might have made it worse myself. expecting them to be perfect or something all the time

l

Writing long texts after 'smaller' things

It hurts too become if I was part of the problem and reason for them to feel so attacked and making them more stressed and you know. of course everyone has breaking points why would I get so mad so easily

like of course they lose their cool more often being criticized no matter what

I might have not been fair all the time

but it hurts because I don't understand what else I would have been supposed to do

Like I made it worse, but I don't know how I could have done anything differently

What else I could have done when my younger siblings are just crying they wanted to die

What fucking else could I have done you know? That's not something you can just ignore you know?

if fucking course I get mad if you don't do anything when you little child says how they'll kill themselves

what else are you supposed to do when little kids are struggling badly other than getting them help? get worried and trying to listen and understand and try addressing the issues and just aaaaaaaa

like what the hell should I have done differently?

I can't help but feel I was still somehow part of the reason my parents would be like that

because how are they suddenly better when I'm not there

it doesn't make sense

it doesn't make sense. it hurts

I tried so hard to try teach them to be better try encouraging them too trying to be understanding and trying to notice when they tried to do better

Would take care of my siblings and having my parents watch and me explaining how to do in different situations instead and notice how see? works thousand times better than yelling and insulting and alllllll

Literally parenting my own parents

explaining about feelings

to learn to apologize and recognize when they'd go over the line

would do so fucking much for my siblings to have better parents they deserve and just ughhh stuff

then she kicks me out

doesn't need me bye. and NOW you suddenly are being parents

and things are better

because I'm not here getting in their way in a sense

they have room to breathe now that I'm not here criticizing

like would it have gotten better had I not been there. I don't understand

I am confused and it hurts and now I'm crying because I remembered I don't live here

I was not ready to move out

I hate living on my own

I just want home

how did it not hurt here leaving me

she didn't even care

[saemihaw]

something is so wrong with meee

[saemihaw]

also trying to be good doesn't mean you are.

Also self sacrificing habits doesn't make you a good person

like it doesn't.

I can try so hard to be good but it doesn't mean I am

I could try to be good but in reality be a horrible person

If no one tells me if I'm doing something wrong or hold me more accountable I wouldn't neccesarily know if I'm in reality bad

how does one actually know if they're good or not

also no one is always good

like you're just not

if I said I was very good person with no flaws that'd be a lie

[saemihaw]

ughhhh

I don't feel good

I'm going to cry a lot more tonight yay

ughhhhh

I just don't feel good at all

I don't know what to doooooo

I don't know how to feel better

I've been feeling triggered too a bit more

been around many people and lot trying to do stuff and I can feel I'm feeling annoyed sometimes too which I hate

I don't take it out on people but like

Ugh

I want to be alone

But I cannot fucking be alone

I cannot

I can't

ugh

also keep having dreams about the psychiatric ward I was in and people asking me how I'm doing and I try say I'm not good but I am feeling a bit better and then when I do people are like okay good so you're feeling good that's great!

also having lots of dreams about having to go back to work and no one understanding how fucking tired I am and I'm just crying and at the brink of an panic attacks and yay

and other stuff and just not nice dreams at all

[saemihaw]

bla bla bla

I honestly do not think I'm a good person

People say I am but it's like. You could say that even if I wasn't you know?

Like okay. I might not be bad. but I am not good

Especially recent years I haven't been that good. and people would have valid reasons to feel hurt over.

and they should.

I've been more distant. Not reaching out as much

I sometimes take forever to respond to texts even if I see them.

like there's not excuse to just read a message or see someone has send me something and I get back toit after days or a week.

Relationships needs work

it's not fair from me

When I'm at my own home I don't reach out enough to my siblings living here or asking how they are

Which I fucking hate myself for because what the fuck

I promised to always be there for them and now I don't always answer to the phone right away

no excuse

I have to get better at that.

Also now that I am here I really should try doing a lot more. my younger sib gets very sad if I'm feeling tired and don't go somewhere with him.

Which I know I don't always have to go or do something if I'm genuinely tired.

but c'mon. It won't kill you to go.

My sib asks me to play football and I go play with him but I can't get myself to like give it my all you know

And I feel so quilty about that because I want to do more and give more

few days too I've been feeling just so tired and I'm lazy and just say I'll come later and then they have to wait. I'm not even doing anything important. like oh sorry I can't come because I'm watching my phone or a show they can't watch

At my home where one of my sib lives too I've struggling to do the basic things. And it's not fucking fair because we live together.

He would have every right to feel annoyed with me

I'm the older one too so I should have my shir together you know

I can't get myself to do dishes so I avoid eating food that'll make more dishes.

I can't get myself to go to the groceries alone and I don't want him to have to buy me food too because he shouldn't have to.

So I've been ordering groceries to home that isn't smart. it's more expensive.

it doesn't affect him in that way though but like

c'mon.

My sib had been talking how he'd want to buy a proper couch to our home and we could pay it in half.

My dumbass in my head thinking can I really afford it because I've been bad with money. (yay we got one from my older sibling tho couple days ago!)

oh. that fucking too. I've been bad at trying to be more in contact with my older brother and haven't seen him much

What a great sibling I am

Valid reason to not like me

ughhhh

I've been bad at doing so many things.

I should try a harder because it's honestly not fair for others and I know that

I hate myself for knowing and not getting myself to be better

I acknowledge it yet I don't do anything and cry how horrible I am

boohooo. fucking do something about it if yr feeling bad. you feeling bad is not fixing anything, you need to actively try be better

I do know I am the problem of many things I feel bad about, like it's literally on me to do something about it and not just feel horrible over it.

No one has said I'm a bad person. But girl I am not good.

I do apologize if I have taken time to respond or stuff.

And when I see my friend I do say acknowledge it's mostly on me why we haven't seen as often because I've been bad at keeping contact.

Just like. acknowledging it's on me you know. not making it a big deal or stuff like that and my friend is never mad over it or anything like that

But they should sometimes be

I've not been the best friend lately

ughh

have not been my best self even if I haven't neccesarily done anything wrong

but it's the lack of doing more good you know?

giving out more

Being more present

[saemihaw]

I want to go homeeeee

But I don't want to go home because I am afraid to go back home until I have the appointment to go talk to someone againnnn

Have not been feeling good

ugh

[saemihaw]

tw. implied sa not at me. trauma yayy. Just venting

Bohooo that night traumatized you okay fucking so it was not even about you

Oh nooo I felt horrible and sick watching him smile like that and ask me what he did wrong like he didn't know. Okay so fucking so he didn't do anything to you

Oh no you had to scream at him to leave because you weren't having itttt. because that crosses a line.

okayyy?? nothing fucking happened to you at least you can yell at him and stuff and get away with it with ease you know since yeah.

Oh you were going to call the police if he didn't leave? okay, at least you didn't say that because you'd be afraid for your own self though

Like okay yeah I get it. But also shut the fuckkk uppp

Shut up don't make this about yourself nothing fucking happened to you

Ughhh

I wonder if I hadn't been listening or go scream at him afterwards like that.

If I would have gotten scared and backed away after he had tried playing dumb but I kept calling him out and he was clearly getting mad about not letting him just be. Suddenly stopping to purposely look serious and threatening and standing taller and taking a step towards me expecting me to get scared and do nothing I guess. He would look me directly in the eyes pissed at me 'accusing' him.

What if I hadn't just took a step forward myself too without breaking the eye contact and continue telling him to get the fuck out of this house

I was ready to throw hands honestly like okay? you're trying to scare me why? You're taking a step towards me like I should be intimidated by that and let you just be? Okay? what are you gonna do? you're not going to hit me. You fucking can't :D What am I supposed to be scared of? If you'd lay finger on me for some reason too I'd have a baloe reason to get you fucking away from this familyyyyy

(me dramatic much yesss. but that's how the situation literally felt. and seeee it that way still it's vivid memory in my head. the smaller details too, smaller body languages and alll)

Ughhhh

Literally what are you going to do. I will call the police if you don't go.

then he realizes I am not afraid or backing down and continue staring at him and he knows I'm serious when I take a step towards him too.

Immediate change on his face knohe had fucked up

not because he'd think he has done nothing wrong but because if he continues doing something like that he would seriously be in trouble

like oh. I really am serious when I keep telling him I won't tolerate his shit.

you need to go far for me to treathen to call the cops fot you to be like oh... maybe I am the problem or something

go drive off the cliff

then he himself can't even look at me when I follow him giving him that death stare continuing telling him to leave because he still fucking refuses

Then when he does reluctantly agree to not get in trouble or make this bigger he starts saying he won't leave if I'll go with my mom to drive him.

because she's nice and says we can't just throw him out.

girllll let him fucking go you don't owe him shit he'll go to a bar or something picking up a fight again or something like she showed me pic one night he had and had bruised face then afterwards.

ughhhhhhhh

Then after fucking that when wr eventually do go to take him to his home he starts telling and crying me that I have no idea do I?

I don't even know do I?

"don't you remember when u as a kid would ask why people would do things to end up in jail"

"you don't remember?" "how could I have told you that I've been in multiple prisons?"

"you had no idea, how would you had understood?"

(continues naming jails) "I've been in all of them"

bla bla blq bla my life is so fucking hard you have no idea

uh? ok? you know I'd put you back there after that. You do understand you could get at least get some fine or penalty over that??

I don't fucking care go rot there again or something that was wrong

WHY do you also out of nowhere tell me you've been in jail right after I have had to make you leave.

oh cool like that wasn't traumatizing enough

what pity points are you trying to collect? "I did something bad and I had to pay for it, don't you feel bad at me? my life is so hard"

you're pathetic

ughhhhhhh

would he had just continue doing something similar later again. think he can just get away with everything. How would my mom had felt if she would have been completely alone with that? no one to know or step up for her?

Ughh

It's been 5? 6 years? why the fuck does that night still stick with me so deep

I remember how unreal I felt too when after that I suddenly hear he has been in jail ? not just once either

yeah okay cool I feel so much better and safer with you now and understand like oh! yeah it's not ur fault u have made ur choices t8 make life this hard for you! poor fucking you! I feel so bad how did I not think how bad you are feeling

disgusting