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[saffron1022]

Sept 12, 2024

We finally dated. 5 months. May 5, 2024-Sept 7, 2024. I thought I had everything I wanted. I loved him. I had him. Month one was wonderful. Month 2 was ok. Then he got worse. He stopped putting in effort. He started communicating problems to me finally. I was being a shitty girlfriend and not helping with anything. He was right. I felt horrible when he pointed it out. I can’t believe I did that. I was just so confused. I thought we solved it. I really did. Then he came at me with new problems. I tried my best to solve those too realizing how much I wanted to keep him. In the last two months I feel like I have 140% while he gave 50%. I tried to cover for him. Thinking that sometimes that’s what couples need to do for each other. But I was wrong. He came at me Saturday morning 3am saying he can’t do this anymore and dumped me. Right before I was to go in to volunteer work. I balled my eyes out. He came home, we argued while I balled my eyes out more. He said me groveling was almost disgusting. I wasn’t trying to grovel. I was sad beyond belief and hurt. He told me in the beginning that God told him I was his woman. Saturday he told me it was Lucifer. We camped together. My first time Saturday night. We snuggled. He used me for head. Not that I minded at that time. Idk what I was going for I guess. Since, he’s slept on the couch. He’s started being a smidge kinder. So I thought. Monday came and he said he was willing to listen to me talk. Hear me out so I feel better. I tried talking to him after a bath. He was apparently drunk. It was 21:41. He kept getting mad. He called me immature. He said me wanting to talk at 1am was ridiculous. He kept going on about time and a place for everything. I was like oh yeah? What about Saturday when you broke up with me right before work? “Well there’s really no good time to break up with someone.” I told him you just said there’s a time and a place for EVERY thing. That’s included. “Yeah well, I expected you to be better than that,” trails off. Then he comes at me Tuesday morning trying to tell me if I want to talk to him when he’s sober and it’s later he will listen. He got a back massage last night and he came upstairs finally. He slept in bed with me. Only to turn around and say it’s not to be happening again. I’ve had enough. I can’t keep up with him. He sets these standards. I can’t reach them. I just can’t. It’s all ok as long as it is on his time. It’s only ok as long as he messes up. Not me. During our relationship I begged him to spend time with me doing anything! Nope. But when we break up that’s when he takes me camping? He said we spent time together. Yeah sitting at the house watching movies. Which I’m not taking for granted, but I would have loved to tried camping. Or a picnic in the park. Anything. He tells me he wants to break up to be alone. I was heart broken. Today I went off on him through text telling him i can’t keep up with his standards and his narcissistic tendencies. Didn’t hear from him until he got home. We’ve been chill since.

[saffron1022]

March 26, 2024

Yesterday at the walking bridge, Angela and I had some heart to heart conversations. She said she never ever in her wildest imagination would’ve thought you could ever treat someone the way you treated me. She told me though it hurts, you’ll never love me. You’ll only ever use me to get what you want. Even if I continued a relationship with you, I’d be more heartbroken then, than I am now. I know she’s right. My heart yearns for you to heal and come to me. My whole soul wants you to come back to me and work on us together. Chris Nally, I love you. I want to hold your face in my hands. I want to play with your chest hair like I always did. I want to give you little kisses all over your body to show you my affection again. I miss you laying on me and falling asleep. I could’ve been there forever. My cuddle buddy. I know I have no right to tell God what to do. But maybe he will heal you soon and give you back to me. Foolish I know. I just believe if you were willing to work on things, so am I. I wanted to help you heal every step of the way. Oh, how my words mean nothing to your ears. How my wishes are empty, broken dreams. I know God has a path for us both. I’m just bummed it’s not intertwined. I love you Nally.

[saffron1022]

March 25, 2024

I keep thinking about two weeks ago when you dropped me off some pinkies. I came over, stayed the night, we had sex again, then the next day you said you no longer want me in your life. I’ve been so angry and hurt. I’ve been sad. I’ve been alone. I’ve been missing you and Sophia like crazy. I check Mickayla’s Facebook every day for a new pic of Sophia. She’s such a beautiful little girl. I think I’m coming to realize, I’m still in love with you. I might not hurt as much as I once did. But I miss you every day. Seeing you twice in Jeff, unintentionally, cracked my heart a little. I wanted to scream and shout, but I couldn’t. I wanted to call out to you, but you made it impossible. Worst part is, I’m sitting here feeling this way while you sleep soundly. Not caring that you hurt me. Thinking all you need to do is forgive me but no apology of your own. Yet, what I’d give to be in your bed, laying on your chest, rubbing my hand up and down your body while you sleep. I miss that jaw line. I miss the beard. I miss those eyes and that smile. I don’t know how I’ll move on. But I’m trying for real this time.

[saffron1022]

No matter what I feel I dream of you. Good dreams, nightmares, all of you. I realized, maybe I need a new dream. One with no you in it. But I don’t know how to create that. You were my dreams.

[saffron1022]

Feb 27, 2024

Dear God,

I’ve been feeling comforted by you. Thank you for that. Tonight, I went to Chris’s house with a bag of butterfingers, some orchid paper for Sophia, and an apology letter. I apologized for a lot, including my half of things. Like trying to keep the sex going, snooping in his phone, projecting my fears and anxieties onto him, etc etc. I won’t lie, I miss him. I ordered sample spray perfumes of his cologne to spray on his hoodie so I don’t feel alone. So I can still pretend to feel his presence. I know that’s sad and pathetic God. I’m sorry it is. I’m sorry I’m not moved on. I’m sorry I still want him and that a part of me wishes it wasn’t true. A part of me wishes the man I created in my head, was the man he isn’t right now. I projected my own dreams into him. Lord, I love him still. I don’t know how not to. He hurt me bad, he treated me bad, but I don’t hate him. I just wish he made better decisions. I really loved him and Sophia.

Also, with the moon rusting and us possibly facing an extreme solar flare, can we please not? I’m not ready to meet you face to face yet. I still have so much I’d like to learn before I come home to you. I know you say I’ve earned my worth, but I want to do good before I go. I don’t want the planet and all the beautiful creations to be destroyed. I fear I’m running out of time. God, I know you’re there listening to me. Please, you’re creation of earth is beautiful. I know you have a plan and your plan is better than mine…just if you could, please don’t let us destroy the planet. It’s beautiful and home to wonderful creatures, all created for us by you. Im not ready to see that be destroyed. All your hard work, and I’m lucky to be here. Im lucky to see some of it. I’d like to see more one day. I want to see more good in the world.

God, thank you for comforting me and all you have given me. You are forever the best!

[saffron1022]

Feb 23, 2024 Two Days After

I guess I’m gonna have to live in a delusional world in my head. One where Chris and I are happy. Where we are working together to further our faith in God. Where I love him and he loves me. When I see him in real life, I’ll try not to puke.

[saffron1022]

I’m so glad I dodged this disgusting human. Chris Nally you are truly the most desperate, low life, disgusting man I’ve ever met. You can keep your hoe with you. You two are sick. And before anyone says a damn thing, I accept open relationships. But he treated me like shit and I was unaware of this all. Truly these two deserve each other.

[saffron1022]

Feb 18, 2024

I still have some suspicions of her though. Earlier she texted him how much she really wanted to hangout with him. Just him. Sophia isn’t there. I’m sorry but I will not let her have him. Not that he’s going to let that happen. Normally, I’d spiral on it. But, I need to set aside my anger and trust him.

God gifted me Chris, and with that he gifted me Sophia. Their friendship and love, means everything to me!

[saffron1022]

Feb 2, 2024

God, you must work in mysterious ways. Last night Chris and I talked some. I’m not saying I forgive him, but I missed him so much. Thank you!

[saffron1022]

January 30, 2024

Dear God, I know we don’t usually meet on here but I need to get my thoughts out quickly before bed. I need you to please give me the strength to get through this emotional trauma from Chris. Today he dropped off my stuff on my car so he didn’t have to see me. He won’t talk to me. He won’t even look at me. It breaks my heart. I loved him. Why does everyone I love never end up loving me back?

[saffron1022]

Jan 28, 2024

Today I woke up in a good mood. I found out you weren’t going to church and tried convince you to go. I had a feeling it would be a good service and it was. It felt so good to be in the house of God the last two days. I feel relieved in a way. Yes I’m still suffering some heartache, but this weekend has helped immensely! Tomorrow night we do another service night. I hope you go to that. Chris, you’ve ignored me all weekend. I’ve tried checking on you, and getting you to church even. Not for me, but to be with him. If you’re actually hurting, you should be with him. If you’re just being a stubborn ass, well I hope you spend your weekend in prayer with him at least. I hope God opens your heart and mind. Not only to the things you’ve done to me, but to see that if you are true to him you can be forgiven. Yes, I’m still selfish and I want you to know how much you hurt me. I want it to smack you in the face so hard that you question yourself. I want you to reflect on your actions, how they affected me, and why you chose to do those things. Why did you chose to do these things? Why did you choose to lie to me? That’s my own selfish prayer for you. I pray for you to reflect on these things. I pray you seek the Lord for help in mending your heart.

[saffron1022]

January 26, 2024

Dear Chris, today I realized that you toying with me all this time was my karma repayment from my ex fiancé. I really hurt him. You really hurt me. I’ve missed you extra today, and it’s been hard on me. I can never love someone else the way I love you. I keep looking back at old pics I’ve taken of you. My heart swells and pounds hard against my chest. Right now I should be in your arms. You don’t have Sophia this weekend or next weekend and I could’ve been wrapped in your arms. I need your sweet face and that smile I love so much. I miss holding your face in my hands. I miss playing in your hair and massaging your head. I miss your big, soft, plush lips. Or your big blue, green eyes. I miss every inch of you. I remember I would just lay next to you and rub all down your body. I wanted to memorize every inch of you. My soul is screaming!

Lord, please help me! I don’t know what to do. Each time I prayed to you, you gave him back to me. Each time he left on his own. Lord, I feel lost without him. I pray to you for strength and to guide the Holy Spirit to me. Fill me with love and self love. Lord, please help Chris Nally. Help him figure out who he is and what he wants. Before it’s too late? I want to cry rivers for him. Lord, forgive us both of our sins and help us please! I beg of you! I am crushed

[saffron1022]

Chris Nally, you really broke my heart. When I think about something I enjoy doing, I think about you. Whether it be in a fun way, loving way or sexually. Oh Lord, how I wish you’d change so I can have you back in my arms. I wish you’d stop being so insecure about everything and actually love me. I want my Chris Nally back but with full intent of loving me. You’re such a wonderful human, but with such a bad attitude. You don’t want to let go of the past. You want to hide from your emotions of anything other than anger and happiness. You are a good person and yet you choose not to be. You really fucked with me mentally and emotionally. I don’t ever want to open up again to anyone. I just want you and Sophia.

[saffron1022]

You were my everything. I did everything with you. We texted everyday. Hung out all the time. You were my smoke buddy, my EDM buddy, my laughing buddy, my cuddle buddy. You gave me a ride to work for 7 months when I lost my car. You paid half my rent at my new apartment. You made the down payment on my Nissan. You were there for every tear, every insecure moment, you were there. Thankfully that pregnancy scare was just my paranoia. But Chris Nally, why did you have to ruin everything? You had such a good thing going for you! All you ever do is break my heart! You’ll pretend you’re putting me back together, and then you break it even more! I LOVE YOU! I fell in love with you! I fell in love with Sophia! I fell in love with ideas in my head because you never felt any of it! I fell in love with being a beautiful wife in your life and a beautiful mom figure in Sophia’s. You manipulated me. You treated me with dishonesty, disrespect, and deception. Your personality showed one of a narcissist. You played me like a fiddle. You broke my heart…you broke my trust. Now I just want to hole up in my room and never leave. I don’t want to be around anyone. Work is ok but I’m not going out of my way to be near people. I just, I just can’t find the words to describe my hurt. Then the thought of eventually forgiving you. I already have to mentally constantly forgive you for your past mistakes and pains. Most I’ve let go, but the fear and distrust are going to be difficult. I thought I got my closure but truth is, I never will. I want to know why, but I never will. I recently learned that no matter how hard I try to help you grow, you won’t ever do it. Not until it’s too late. When I’ve done moved on or when you have. You won’t change until you’re with that next person. Because you won’t realize until it’s too late. I must accept I’ll never get my closure. I must accept you will never change until you find someone else. Goodbye Chris Nally. You will always be, my soul human. 01/25/2024

[saffron1022]

After much arguing back and forth. We finally decided on something. Thursday, January 11, 2024 will be our first date. My real concern is, you want a godly woman like Angela. Someone with her faith and knowledge. I’m not sure I’ll ever be as good as Angela. I still have so much to learn with the Lord. But, I’m most excited for our date.

[saffron1022]

Dec 31 I asked where we stood and you told me once again it was always about the sex. I asked the Lord to give me him and I got what I wished for. But he will never love me. I need to accept it. He called me obsessed with him when I just seen it as a chance to grow together. Last night I went over and slept with you and kept trying to go another round. You wouldn’t cave in no matter what I did or how hard I tried. You told me you just use me. Why not do it to you? Why not just shut off my feelings and sleep with you and feel nothing? I’m already so far down in a hole I don’t know how to get out. I don’t know if I feel ashamed for yesterday or not. I know God is probably extremely disappointed in me. At this point I didn’t even ask for forgiveness from him because I don’t know what to say.

[saffron1022]

It’s been 12 days since December 14 when all of this bs between us went down. I haven’t heard from you since that night right before you crashed on me. I waited up for you. I probably could’ve overreacted with that specific situation but it wasn’t just the fact that you blew me off. It was when you told me you’d have no problem dropping me. I felt as if I wasted a whole year trying to prove to you that I am nothing like the other women in your life. Both Angela and Andy think we need space from each other, and I sadly agree. These past 12 days have been the absolute hardest on me. I’ve done nothing. My soul feels crushed on the inside. I cry for you, but you’re not there. I pray and pray and pray. I’ve prayed to the point I questioned if Jesus could even fix this one. That was 1 day ago and I’ve shamed myself since. I try to not focus on you. But every time I hear a song, someone talking about something you liked, see kids, almost everything reminds me of you. I’m instantly pulled out of that moment and brought back to the reality that I don’t have you. Then it hits me full on, I don’t have you. I want to run my head in to concrete walls just to not feel this bottomless sadness. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve thought about how I wish I could cut the love out of my brain so I never have to endure this again. So I can “not feel” as you say you do. But I want to mean it. I continuously pray. Lord please heal my broken heart. Lord please help fix this situation between us. Lord, I’m not ready to let him go. Lord, I promise I’m trying to listen. Lord, please don’t tell me it was all for nothing, I can’t handle that. I’ve dealt with it enough. Lord, I can’t carry all this pain on my own. Just now the Lord answered my prayers and I’m crying