sail-on-soup

[sail-on-soup]

The Psychotic Feeling

There isn’t really a word for it. It’s very difficult to describe. You’re not necessarily hearing things or hallucinating. You’re not necessarily hallucinating. There doesn’t have to be any positive symptoms present. The psychotic feeling is there, though.

Everything feels off. Your friends and family don’t look right. Drinks and foods don’t look like things you can consume. The inside doesn’t feel like home. The outside feels like another planet.

Internally, you feel like you’re losing your grip. You feel like any one of your known symptoms could happen at any moment. You don’t feel like you have your footing. It’s as if you could be swept up into space in an instant. Grounding techniques have no effect because none of your surroundings are grounded.

It all amounts to having this feeling in your head. All you really know is that it’s extremely uncomfortable. It feels like it’s never going away no matter how many times you’ve experienced it. There are no words. It’s just…The psychotic feeling

[sail-on-soup]

replacing my mental illness with vampirism

[sail-on-soup]

the worst part about ocd and ocd-like tendencies is that you think hyper-analyzing your thoughts and constantly psychoanalyzing yourself will fix you but that's actually part of the disorder. it's the disorder. disordering.

[sail-on-soup]

the weekend after, i took a flight to my home country for a couple of days. The moment I got home, my grandma got a call that her nephew was dying.

I spent time cuddling puppies and simultaneously overhearing conversations, do we travel? do we go see him one last time? we just saw him three weeks ago and he was completely alright, we knew he was ill but we never expected this, it progressed so quickly. I didn't really know him, he lived in a different part of the country with other bits of family we don't see often. We got in the car on saturday afternoon, I was exhausted. We went to a relative's house 4 hours away. We didn't have anywhere to sleep, we went to a guy's house - i don't know if we were related, he's in family photos though. We might have met when i was really small. I still don't know his name. He lives with his mom, I slept in the spare room. We left early in the morning, I was eager to leave, we sat a a cafe for a while waiting for others. I got to see my grandma's sister, she taught me to love cooking from the time I was a toddler. She gifted me a music box for my 15th birthday, told me to keep her in my memories if she ever were to pass. I love her, we were all really worried about her. Could she stand to lose another son.

We didn't get to see him, we started to drive back on Sunday at midday. I read the Gideon the Ninth in the car. He died on thursday.

I have a friend over atm and she's only here for a few days, but it takes up my entire weekend.

Working full time has made it so the weekend is my time of rest, despite spending 99% of it by my partner's side (but they don't count). I spend it in and out of bed, briefly in town for groceries and doing mostly laundry, cleaning and cooking. I dedicate time to all of the things that I can't do during the week.

The full-time work that I do is also emotionally exhausting, my time on the clock is spent caring for other people's feelings and when I'm off, I spend some time grounding myself before returning to the quick, task-focused life that capitalism dictates. I love my job, but it's an exhausting job. I use the weekend to recover.

I love my friends, spending time with them makes my week. When we hang out though, it's usually for the evening or afternoon, leaving plenty of time for rest. I do social stuff on saturdays to care for my social life, I do chores and prep on sundays to care for my inner self.

I have a friend over for the whole weekend (all day saturday, all day sunday, they leave on monday morning). My weekend is spent with them. I've already had to bring them to the grocery store with me so I could grab supplies I need to meal prep. I'll probably get takeout tonight (they are away for a few hours). My social battery is completely spent. My sunday of rest and recovery was wiped by hanging out and going out to town. I love my friend and I am very happy and grateful they are here, but it has thrown me off completely.

How do I recover? I will also be away next weekend and will have two weeks of no rest in a row. Things are like this because they couldn't have been planned any other way but man........ my sundays.... </3.

I will do my best to get extra rest this week, on weekdays after work. But even then, I don't just do nothing all week - I've got a busier than usual schedule. I just hope things work out and I'm not too tired when I resume week 3 of restless working.

[sail-on-soup]

i feel so extremely bad but my job is a non-stop you need to be on your feet & moving thing and there's a spider in this bathroom and people will already notice I'm missing. I need to go home but if I use another sick day I'll get in a "serious meeting about my absences". I need to work 4 days a week.

[sail-on-soup]

I have a friend over atm and she's only here for a few days, but it takes up my entire weekend.

Working full time has made it so the weekend is my time of rest, despite spending 99% of it by my partner's side (but they don't count). I spend it in and out of bed, briefly in town for groceries and doing mostly laundry, cleaning and cooking. I dedicate time to all of the things that I can't do during the week.

The full-time work that I do is also emotionally exhausting, my time on the clock is spent caring for other people's feelings and when I'm off, I spend some time grounding myself before returning to the quick, task-focused life that capitalism dictates. I love my job, but it's an exhausting job. I use the weekend to recover.

I love my friends, spending time with them makes my week. When we hang out though, it's usually for the evening or afternoon, leaving plenty of time for rest. I do social stuff on saturdays to care for my social life, I do chores and prep on sundays to care for my inner self.

I have a friend over for the whole weekend (all day saturday, all day sunday, they leave on monday morning). My weekend is spent with them. I've already had to bring them to the grocery store with me so I could grab supplies I need to meal prep. I'll probably get takeout tonight (they are away for a few hours). My social battery is completely spent. My sunday of rest and recovery was wiped by hanging out and going out to town. I love my friend and I am very happy and grateful they are here, but it has thrown me off completely.

How do I recover? I will also be away next weekend and will have two weeks of no rest in a row. Things are like this because they couldn't have been planned any other way but man........ my sundays.... </3.

I will do my best to get extra rest this week, on weekdays after work. But even then, I don't just do nothing all week - I've got a busier than usual schedule. I just hope things work out and I'm not too tired when I resume week 3 of restless working.