sallgoodbb-blog

[sallgoodbb-blog]

everyday

i blew it again. how low can i go. addicted to the internet addicted to junk food. look like shit feel like shit do shit. don’t know how to do better for more than one moment. I want to be better than this

[sallgoodbb-blog]

Day 27

I went to work good job.

Grape juice

McDonald’s- fish sandwich, apple pie, small fry, large fry, bbq chicken strips, ketchup

cereal with almond milk

water

weed

Bod feels real gross but my spirits are in a good place. I don’t want to continue eating cooked food but I don’t really care all that much. Tomorrow can be a fruit day. I should focus on NOT eating junk food tomorrow. 

[sallgoodbb-blog]

Day 26

I called in sick to work again today. I mixed up my days a bit between this post and the previous post. Oh well don’t matter. 

Grapes

Apples

Whole foods hot bar, vegan ravioli, potato wedges, rice, veggies, sauces

kombucha

3 nonvegan donuts

two bowls cereal and almond milk

yeah I don’t feel good again today. Eating this way causes a lot of emotional disturbances for me. I went to see Cairo and I felt out of it and closed off from him. Still it was nice to see him and to get fresh air. I gave him a big hug and I could smell the sunshine in his coat. He is good. I kinda planned on eating cooked food again today. So I did. And again I feel like crap. Lost, ugly, powerless. Overwhelmed by the world I live in and how I feel I have so much to fight against. Alone and disconnected. 

Tomorrow I will go to work. Tomorrow I will earn a paycheck. Tomorrow I will go outside and I will see Cairo. Tomorrow I will do my best to be my best.

Affirmations and stuff

I set myself up for success tomorrow

I can do anything I set my mind to

I can take control of myself this moment

I choose my future

[sallgoodbb-blog]

Day 25

I slept in really late after calling in to work. I could tell my boss was not buying it and was disappointed. I wish someone could have reached out and helped me. Told me it was ok, and for a moment I thought I heard that in his voice too. I drank one liter of water and didn’t eat all day. I liked not eating. I didn’t feel hungry and that felt comfortable too. I want to do it more often. Safely and smartly and for a good reason. Research and education will have to be done. 

I felt like a piece of shit still for calling in to work and yeah had a lot of negative self talk. ughghghghughughg I don’t want to deal with this. How will I ever get through it. I feel very alone because I feel nobody around me understands my issues with eating or how I want to eat. And I spend so much time alone doing nothing. Ah so sad so empty so pathetically unresponsible. 

[sallgoodbb-blog]

Day 24

I don’t really remember what I ate in the morning. I think I had grapes and apples and dates. Later I was about to go to the barn after eating fruits and I decided to eat a tortilla wrap with mushrooms, lettuce, mayo. I ordered a domino’s pizza. I went to the store and got dairy ice cream and a flavored water. I made myself throw up as much as I could. I ate more pizza and iced cream. Old pie dough cooked in a frying pan with honey and spices. Chocolate covered almonds. I had a terrible stomach ache and felt so low. I stayed up really late watching Netflix. I didn’t shower, move, wash, go outside. I did nothing but let myself go as low as I could. I smoked a bunch. I drank some water. I thought about killing myself and it seemed like a comfortable idea. I knew I would call in sick the next day. And I did. 

I think I wanted to feel comfortable. Or comfort. And I feel comfortable in this terrible state. The only problem I face there is dissatisfaction with myself. I know it’s not a good place to me. I will one day stop going all together. I’m disappointed I went again but I’m not surprised. 

[sallgoodbb-blog]

Day 23

celery juice

green juice, celery, apple, mint, cilantro, lemon, cucumber

grapes

figs

banana smoothie with coconut water and cacao

I went to Katrina’s and hung out for a minute. I went for a short walk. I painted a doodle. 

I am having serious thoughts of eating cooked food. Even ordering a dominoes pan pizza with white sauce. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere. I want to eat hot comforting sickening food and zone out. I am resisting the urge. Eating enough fruit and making sure I’m not hungry helps. I have to remember to be patient and allow the changes their time. 

Affirmations

I have accomplished something to feel good about

I can accomplish more if I remain goal oriented

I am worth it!!

[sallgoodbb-blog]

Day 22

celery juice

cacao banan smoothie

oranges and mango juice

whole foods salad- kale mix, microgreens, corn, mushrooms, peas, marinated mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, green onion, guacamole, carrot

kombucha

guacamole

lemon water

weed

hot tea

I’m having serious desires to get binge food. Like a really indulgent meal. Vegan pizza, french  fries, potatoes, vegan cheese, vegan nachos, ice cream. I want to enjoy the food and the feeling of being indulgent but I don’t want to feel the physical consequences. I feel bloated, stiff, down on myself, heavy, anxious. Sigh. I miss those foods and the excitement I feel when I’m eating them. I also want to exercise and get the yoga thing going again but damn I am not super motivated. I feel frustrated! I feel like not doing anything unless it’s eating unhealthy food. Gosh I don’t want to keep up taking care of myself today. I’m thinking its with weekend I can give that up for a day and just indulge any unreasonable craving I have. If I do eat unhealthy cooked food, I will probably feel physically unwell, I’m will probably have stronger feelings to binge and eat even more unhealthy food. My progress will be slowed down. It’s not really worth it. 

I am starting to look more lean in my torso and legs. I wore tight red pocketless corduroy pants to a concert and felt kinda desirable in them. Still felt pretty fat but less fat than before. :)

Aside from the food I am seriously missing Cisco. I miss his familiar touch. It is amazing to me how natural and comfortable I could feel being touch by him. I miss being comfortable around him. He was home. I want to go home. But it’s different now and the feeling I want will not be there should I return. It is different. I wonder if he misses me or thinks of me. He doesn’t reach out to me and I don’t think he will. It is what it is. 

Affirmations

I can make positive choices when I am unsure

I can keep moving toward my goals even when I’m unsure

Results will come with consistent progress

healing and caring for myself is an investment and will pay off in the future

[sallgoodbb-blog]

Day 21

celery juice

banan smoothie with cacao

apples with lemon

date snack

spiced banan smoothie

water

weed 

sleepy tea

I feel like making a treat meal out of fresh whole foods. A mock meal. Like cauliflower wings, dip, and salad. I think I could try that out. Nothing crazy. 21 days is a long time. I’m starting to recognize my healthy expressions. I like the way I feel so much. I can feel my body and I feel more functional. It’s interesting to me how I don’t like the taste of filtered water. I wonder if distilled really is significantly better. Plants 

Affirmations

I am tired and my days are full

I am free to move, go outside and enjoy my world 

[sallgoodbb-blog]

Day 20

cucumber juice

banana and cacao smoothie

apples with lemon juice

date snack

celery juice

spiced banana smoothie

sleepy tea

I didn’t think too much about cravings today. I was busy living loving life. I did feel pretty insecure about my body and all the extra body fat I have gained. I feel better when I move about - no pain or terrible stiffness (except my shoulders). But yeah my dimples and fat rolls are not something I want to stick around. I want to work out but i’m all tense and uptight about being open with my mom. But it would ultimately be my loss not to do yoga and create a space of physical expression. I’m still stimulated cuz I just went to a concert. I keep getting distracted by my phone cuz I posted a story to snapchat and I like looking at it and seeing who else has looked at it. Tomorrow’s only thursday and I feel pretty tired already. Ready for the weekend. But I can get through it. I’m looking forward to going to the barn with the nice weather tomorrow. Maybe I’ll go straight there after work and enjoy the warmer weather. Take Cairo out for a walk. Gosh I adore that horse. I have some important things to take care of tomorrow like contactin mark about my dream job and and contacting the vet. I can do that stuff np. I want to draw too. AHHHHH I want to draw and I want it to feel good. So frustrated with how my drawing has been going. I haven’t felt a strong spark in a while. I want it to be there all the time but it’s not. 

Affirmations

I am loving and living life

I am open to the world around

I have control of how that world affects me

I am strong smart and free

I am alive and well

I am beautiful and bright

I am doing great things for myself the right things for myself 

[sallgoodbb-blog]

Day 19

celery juice

spiced nana smoothie

grapes

grape snack

apples and dates

weed 

hot tea

I am currently feeling hungry. I don’t really think I ate and enjoyed the food I did eat today as much as I wanted. I was busy running around town. I’m glad I got the things done I wanted. I was at the barn and wanted to eat fruit from the apple tree. I told myself it was too late or something. Also the apples I could reach weren’t super appetizing. Tomorrow is a busy day too and I’m also concerned about money. I have a lot of driving to do but no money to get more gas. I asked my mom again and I think she will say yes but it makes me sick to think of how much money she has given me. I don’t know where I would be if she wasn’t there to help me. Would me depressive episodes even be an option or would they completely ruin me. I will figure it out with the money and gas. Maybe I’ll have to call in on Thursday. It’s silly to imagine doing that and not earning a wage that day. -_-

My body is feeling good. I kinda feel like I’ve plateaued in a way. If I maintain this level of health I will not be satisfied still. But maintaining it is worthwhile still. I have been having strong cravings still. Telling myself I have don’t very well so far and I deserve a treat. I can choose to allow myself one but in the past one treat has spiraled into something messy and difficult. I want animal style waffle fries. I want hot crispy fries with melted vegan cheese, animal sauce, and fried onions. Or I want frozen mac n cheese with cauliflower and broccoli. A big warm comforting and delicious meal. This feeling coupled with the feeling of not eating enough and the feeling of not having money makes me want to get cheap disgusting food and lose myself in it. For example I’ve been thinking of Mcdonalds. McDonalds and fast food feeds another part of me other than to satiate me physically. And I’m still not happy with how I look naked. Ack I really changed my body over the summer. And I’m starting to go through some emotions about Cisco. Painful thoughts and memories are coming up and sometimes I don’t want to deal with them. Oh my heart breaks. So much lost and no longer living. Memories I no longer share with him. Life and everything in it takes on a different meaning without him. He is still here and so am I for now. I will have love for him always still. We still share a lot if you look at it a certain way. Sadness. We cared for each other and now we no longer do. By choice. Why do people decide to stop caring for each other? I don’t want it to be so but it is so. The care and attention that was once intended for him is directed onto new different choices. It is neither positive or negative, it just is different. 

[sallgoodbb-blog]

Day 18

I see people who share their journey on instagram and I think of how much further I can take this. I guess that goes for everything, raw food, healing, yoga, art. All I have to do is start. It can be a quiet shine a dim but red hot burn. I have done 18 of doing my best to be conscious about what I eat. That is great and I want to maintain this progress and continue to improve. I can research foods and herbs to help detox further. I read a meme on instagram about healing your womb and how you need to cleanse your colon to do this. A large clogged, gunked up colon puts pressure on the uterus. I remember so many times I had painful intercourse. Ugh it really broke my heart. I would to heal from that physically and emotionally. I hated having sex with Cisco when it would be painful. It was painful nearly every time. I wanted to be excited about sex and enjoy it completely. Most of the time I wasn’t able to do so because it was painful, things felt rush, I braced myself for the pain.  My heart breaks because I felt Cisco never understood what sex was like for me. He always respected me but he didn’t understood me intimately sexually emotionally spiritually. He was deaf to my language. Not every time but too many times. Sex took a weird tone. Why are some things too painful to truthfully utter? Sometimes I have feelings come up that I can’t acknowledge straight on in the moment. Especially in front of someone intimately. I was afraid to express myself honestly with him. Why did I feel the need to do that? It’s not because of boyfriends, or sex, or man and woman, it’s about the lack of love and acceptance I have myself. The feeling that I’m incomplete and incompenant. But I have known I am complete totally infinity. Practicing still.

celery juice

banana and cacao smoothie so good

job

black grapes

job

apple snack

salad, romaine, cherry toms, mushrooms, spices, braggs, cucumber

kombucha

barn chores

walk with Cairo

lemon water

sleepy tea

weed

Affirmations

I am aware. Brightly and lively aware. I am engaged with this awareness. I listen I hear this

I can smile

I am free

[sallgoodbb-blog]

Day 17

celery juice

orange juice

grapes

apple juice with lemon

pomegranate 

walk outside

apples and dates

hot epson soak

water

hot sleepy tea

Today was a good food day. I felt great today physically. My body felt stronger and more together, more upright. I have some gas but not too bad. My skin is pretty clear - clearer than it has been in a while. I don’t really have menstrual cramps or a heavy flow. No joint pain - but still some stiffness in my shoulders, particularly the right. I still have cravings for food that will bring me a feeling of comfort. Hot doughy cheesy salty savory gooey. My cravings are effected by me watching mukbangs. Though now I’m starting the see the food differently - at least the meat. I think of the animals and how they only knew a life of suffering. An unnatural life. It is sick. I need to stop watching mukbang because my attention is important. My attention can be focused on my future and my future does not involve eating animal products or supporting chain businesses. I remember how happy and healthy I felt and looked when I at food from the CSA. I remember being so overwhelmed with gratitude and joy to be eating fresh potatoes like I never have before. The cauliflower was amazing. I want to do something like that again. I can focus my attention on all the information out there that will help me be healthier. Information and videos that are aligned with my values. This means my values will begin to change and develop. My values will show. I will shine. In the past I have fear shining or shining too bright. I have nothing to fear. I do not need to hold myself back. I have freedom to choose what I want and what I want to do. I want to embrace life. I want to serve others......I want to learn how. I have been so focused on serving myself. A knot is deep within me. But I keep going to becoming the best version of myself. Doing the best for others so I can live a happy life. I don’t totally believe this yet but I will discover my path as I continue moving toward the light electric life.

Affirmations

I am doing my best

I CAN do better and I will do better every day

Improving is worth the effort and beneficial results will be revealed

I can do this for me

I know what my values are and I don’t need to change

I am grateful for the opportunities to live how I want

I am grateful for the life I have been given and continue to receive

I will live life to the fullest love life to the fullest

emotions are there to tell me something

emotions will change, sift, drift away

[sallgoodbb-blog]

Day 16

celery juice

apple juice

banana smoothie with carob

grapes- mostly black

figs

weed

lemon water

hot sleepy time tea

I almost shit my pants driving to the vet today. Wow what the heck I’m alive. Food was good today. I felt so alive from the purer foods and the carob was a great bonus. I saw Cairo, cared for him. Rode him a bit! Enjoyed the weather although it was very windy. I didn’t go out for a walk today but I did put on music and dance about. I gave myself a massage and stretched some. I made funny faces in the mirror and smiled at myself. I drew a picture and got pretty into it. :) I did feel lonely at time and think about who would fit in to all this. It would be wonderful to meet someone who does in the future. I

I can feel my muscles again. I want to feel my hole body in as many expressions as possible. I want to have broad and refined language to express myself and to communicate with others. As many languages as I need to be as honest as possible. I has fun painting/drawing today. I love the colors. I love the challenge and the freedom. I feel the need to practice this. To give myself a daily demand of three hours a day practicing producing language. My response to the experience I’m having. To share it.

I’m looking forward to continuing to see results and thing improve

Affinations

I am capable of so much joy and ecstasy

I can learn!

I can free up

I can get big and take space

I can focus my attention

I can focus  my energy 

I can focus my attention to my energy and my energy to my attention

I can mind over matter magic

[sallgoodbb-blog]

Day 15

yesterday - my period started. I had a dream I started my period while I laid in bed. I saw myself laying on a bed soaked with a flood of menstrual blood. When I woke I discovered I as menstruating in waking life. :) 

celery juice

spiced banana smoothie

apples, dates, figs

whole foods salad- romaine, spring mix, onion, cucumbers, peas, corn, raw mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, marinated mushrooms (wheat, soy)

kombucha

lemon water

hot sleepy tea

I really craved a binge yesterday. I wanted fattening cooked junk food. I wanted to eat and stay inside and talk to no one. I wanted a vacation via food. I didn’t buy anything though because I know one meal turns into so much more than that for me. Even as I’m eating that food I want more, worse food and I become obsessed with getting it and I drop everything else. I am starting to see progress in my body composition and I don’t want to slow that progress down. 

I made it through a difficult, tiring week! I didn’t give up even when I wanted to and I definitely wanted to! Yesterday I started my period, my cold resolved a bit. I have some acne on my chest and upper back. The rash/discoloration on my chest is spreading upward. Still a mystery what it it. now it appears whiter than my normal skin. My chest and arms are becoming thinner. 

 Yesterday was a good day. I saw Cairo and he was himself again in the pasture. Happy eating grass. He walked up to me now and comes when I call him. I think it’s because I’ve been so generous with the grain and treats while I treat his wounds. It was also a beautiful day yesterday. The sun was SHINING and the sky was blue. Birds flew around energetically. Horses stood angled to the sun to soak it in while they grazed. :) I 

[sallgoodbb-blog]

Day 14

celery juice

spiced banana smoothie

apples

blood orange juice

head romaine, cherry tomatoes, yellow mustard, braggs

kombucha

lemon water

hot sleepy tea

Day 14 woo! I kept thinking, “Well you could just drive there.” I had cravings for taco bell or chik-fil-a or something hot greasy instant gratification. I keep myself from just driving there and just order one vegan meal. It won’t make a big impact. It really does make an impact in so many ways. Making the best decision can make a big impact for certain things. Like what I eat and what I buy. Soon I want to improve what I eat mentally., what I feel my brain. Then what I feed my external body. What I put out to the world. What I put into my world is what I eat and what I focus on. These things are interrelated. 

I toughed out the day even though I spent a lot of energy on thinking about how I want to and how I could go home. Snuggle into a blanket and relax. I told myself I could do that later. So here I am up way past my bedtime doing that. One more day until the weekend. I’m excited and looking forward to nourishing my body and resting my mind. Resting- expanding, lighting up, partying with, playing with, jolting, reconfiguring. Reconfiguring- to set in order from disorder, to make sense of again. 

I still have detox symptoms. Cairo spent the day outside. He seems sick - I don’t know if its from the stress but damn i feel it. I love him and I want him to be well. I want him to be intact. 

Affirmations

I am following my heart

My heart is a worthy leader

I can look at things differently

I can become whatever I believe in

I can remember truth and unhold it

I can honor what I believe in even when others don’t

I have a vision for the future

That vision can change and still be honored

I have an important perspective to offer

[sallgoodbb-blog]

Day 13

celery juice

spiced banana smoothie

grapes

green juice- spinach, cilantro, celery, cucumber, apple

salad wraps- romaine, marinated mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, cucumber, Braggs

most of a kombucha

hot sleepy time tea

Food wise pretty good. I crave healthy hydrating food. The green juice I made was amazing, I drank it very fast. I’m not feeling well physically, I have congestion, a running nose, fatigue, fever, acne, aches. Feeling worn out and sniffly. I’m also feeling my body clear out more. My skin is softer and my neck looks thinner and not inflamed. My joints aren’t stiff. And my mood is vastly improved. I feel comfortable and confident, maybe even upbeat :o. I’ve managed my responsibilities even though it has been hard and seemingly constantly stressful. I’m craving emotional comfort and I crave food to do that. But my emotions after eating cooked food are never good. I despise the way it makes my body feel. I’m Tired but I’m going to keep going because this persistence and consistency will pay off big time.

Affirmations

I can make my own choices for myself

only I need to understand why I do what I do

I love myself and my health

I love my body and what it does for me

I believe in what I am doing

[sallgoodbb-blog]

Day 12

lemon water

celery juice

spiced banana smoothie

green and red grapes

dates and figs

carob banana smoothie

weed

sleepy time tea

Today was a good food day. I ate a lot and enjoyed it. I like banana smoothies, they taste like milkshakes. I woke feeling stress out about Cairo and getting to work ontime. I’ve been later than normal to work. I can calm myself down. I can relax myself when I breath. Despite this stress, I decided to eat well even though I had opportunity and cravings to eat cooked food. I went to the store and bought supplies for a low fat savory salad. I think a juice would be good tomorrow. I’m looking forward to the food I am going to eat. I am thankful to have opportunity to have a small meal at work. I massaged tense areas of my body with a detoxifying and healing oil. I feel relaxed and also stimulated by watching youtube. I’m sneezing and having a runny nose. I think that’s a sign of detoxifying my systems. I don’t have to become anything else, I am great as I am onestly.I have to remember to calm myself down. How I am able to do that whenever I need. I can control my breath and how I am feeling at any given moment. That is powerful. I don’t have to be anybody different. I am who I am and I am breaking free into the best version of myself. I know how it is for myself and I am free to control myselfI don’t know I’m tired I can show up for myself first]

affirmations

I know how 

i feel

I can tune in to how 

I feel when I breathe

My body is a beautful instrument

for whatever I choose

If I concentrate on my choice 

I can make it a reality

sometimes I will fail

But I can try again

I love that about myself