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The adventure of Cabinet Girl

Homecoming weekend is probably the best place to begin with explaining just how quickly my life goes downhill. It's also a great example of why you should never go out without a good friend who can take care of your sloppy wasted ass. I forget how I got most of my alcohol in the beginning of school. A large amount was one handle of Smirnoff that my sister gifted me. I didn't really drink before college so that handle lasted me much longer than it would now. I also took any amount of free alcohol that I could get my hands on. Being a fairly attractive college freshman helped with this, yet it's safe to say it's easy to get carried away. So, homecoming weekend was... an adventure. My roommate and I had just gone through sorority recruitment and both of us dropped early. We had some friends from the recruitment process but we still relied heavily on our friends who we came to the school knowing. Two of them had a nice air conditioned room in the honors college so in the heat of summer we often pregame there. This weekend my friend Craig had a friend from home who's name I honestly block out because he was so creepy, so let's call him Sketch. Sketch was so excited to come to umass he came with two handles of the blackout gods nectar... Rubinoff. The pure death inducing unflavored plastic handles of rubbing alcohol were gifted to the already drunk me. As Sketch repeatedly sent his friends over to try and convince me to hook up with him I began to drink my Vitamin Water XXX down a quarter of the way so that I can refill it with Rubinoff. I guess drunk me thought that I needed to steal as much alcohol as I could before Sketch realized I would not hook up with him. If that doesn't already sound idiotic I did that 3 times in total. Molly quickly blacked out. Mistake #1 of the night From here on I don't remember much. A large amount of the story comes from my roommate, Cassie, who swears she will never forget it. This was the first time I blacked out in front of Cassie and she didn't understand that blackout Molly seems completely fine. We all walked down to what is now my favorite frat house and we were let in easily. Some drama came around when Sketch wasn't let in and I'm pretty sure he tried to fight someone but when you're surrounded by drunk men every weekend, the times they think they're tough and try to fight people all blur together. At the party we ran into a few good friends of ours. One was a guy who we knew fairly well who I found attractive and ended up making out with until I fell into a bush. The other was our good friend and mutual hockey fanatic Bella who Cassie had met through recruitment. She was about to go to a party at the hockey teams house. Mistake #2 of the night; bringing me. There I was, hanging out in a bush and neither of them realized I was somewhere between actually zombie level drunk and sleeping in that bush. But I got in the uber and came along to the hockey house. Cassie says I was making some strange gargling noises before I opened the door and vomited all over the door and my own arm. Before the uber had time to stop I took my flannel off and tossed it out of the open door. When Cassie asked why all I could say was, "It's done." Mistake #3 of the night; cleaning me up and continuing on We got paper towels from a nearby house and cleaned the uber quickly as I bantered drunkly with the driver. "You should have instructions of how to open the window" "You should drink less" Clearly by the only banter I remember I was not winning the argument. We went the rest of the way on foot and ended up getting to the hockey house without me throwing up again. Cassie quickly located the tall blonde player she had been eyeing at the games and made sure to attach herself to him. Bella went off with the player she was currently talking to. I sat on the couch staring at a wall. Eventually I decided I needed to leave and went upstairs to find the door. Some of the players, seeing me barley walk, decided to follow and make sure I didn't die. In my desperate attempt to find the door I mistakenly grabbed a cabinet. I then somehow tore it from its mounting off the wall and it ended up on the floor. I knew I had destroyed the house and ran downstairs to avoid taking the blame. Of course half of the team saw me do it and decided my name was there on "cabinet girl." I couldn't handle the embarrassment and ended up finding the door to their fenced in backyard. A player shouted after me that I couldn't leave out the backyard, yet I didn't care to listen. For a minute I regained memory because I remember lying in the grass and contemplating where I was and how I got there. Realizing what just happened made me decide to run back into the house and beg Cassie to take me home. As she got up and brought me to the door I felt the gurgling again. In my moment of panic I b-lined it to the water heater closet and proceeded to rocket out a majority of my body weight in vomit. The way home was filled with me taking short breaks to spit. Thank god for Cassie who walked me home and sat me down in the shower so that I wouldn't sleep in my own puke, even putting me to bed and sitting with me until she was sure I was done vomiting and wouldn't choke and die in my sleep. Don't worry I did the same for her on Halloween which I'm sure will make on it here as well.

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Why am I this way???

Honestly, as a 20 something in 2017 I have heard almost every girl I know use this phrase. It may be in reference to some clumsy accident they had in the dining hall or their inability to understand why the guy they continue to sleep with the same assholes with amazing abs and no social skills. What no one mentions is the genius behind these words. I personally believe that no amount of embarrassment or injuries can change the ridiculous person that I am on the inside. I am a mess. I wake up still drunk and force my boyfriend to get me pizza. I cover myself in bruises and wonder if hangovers can kill you every weekend. I laugh the mistakes off and wear them with pride hoping that I can bring smiles and laughs to the people I retell them to. Yes, I am a mess. I don't think anyone should look up to me as a role model. If you read this blog and get nothing else out of it, I hope you at least get a few laughs.

My name is Molly, I go to Umass Amherst, and this is a retelling of stories I wish I didn't remember but hope I never forget. Each story is messy crazy and downright stupid but learning to laugh at them was the best decision I've ever made.