saltikstate

[saltikstate]

thinking. our relationship may not be in the best situation back then but i felt you. i truly felt how attentive you were. how much you paid attention to the things i like and how i remind you of the things you see everyday. i'm glad it was real even for a brief moment.

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a year

it only took me a year to stop writing about you, and i'm back at it again

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kaya siguro kita napapanaginipan dahil gamit ko pa rin yung paborito mong kumot

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instagram | prints

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unconditional

i always talk about that one time i fell in love and how that love changed me and taught me unconditional love. my bestfriends only knew her from my stories, but no one really met her except for my cat. she's been in my head for almost 3 years now, it almost felt like i imagined her and everything that happened. she's been in a lot of my writings, my dreams, in a lot of songs, and media i consume.

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sibuyas

naalala kita kanina habang naghihiwa ng sibuyas. paano ka kaya ngayong ginto na ang presyo ng sibuyas? kulang nalang maging sibuyas na may konting corned beef yung pinaluto mo sakin noon.

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ok, bakit dalawang taon nang tungkol sayo lahat ng love song na marinig ko?

at alam kong ganun ka rin noon sakin. hindi ko man alam kung minsanang sumasagi pa rin ako sa isipan mo, pero sapat nang alam ko na minsang nagtugma yung nararamdaman natin para sa isa't isa.

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enough

tuwing bumubuo ako ng imahe ng kuwarto sa isipan ko, lagi kang kasama.

pintuan, bintana, pader, sahig at kisame.

kama, tayong dalawa.

nakatitig ako sa tama ng sinag ng araw o liwanag ng buwan na tumatagos sa manipis na kurtina. pinaglalaruan ang mga hibla ng manipis mong buhok. pareho nating sinasaid ang pagitan na naglalayo sating dalawa, nais sakupin ang bawat sulok na pwedeng punan. nilulunod ang 'yong pisngi sa lalim ng aking leeg. dinadantay mo ang 'yong binti at iniipit ang kamay sa garter ng aking shorts. hindi ba't tag-init?

sa isip ko: "bakit hindi parin tayo makuntento sa lapit?

sa isip mo: "kahit ganito lang tayo magdamag."

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i was in bed last saturday with some guy. we had conversations in between of having sex.

me: nung nainlove ako last 2020, dinadama namin together yung mga kanta

him: tapos lahat ng love songs tungkol sa kanila

me: ganun ba mainlove????

him: oo

me: edi tangina once palang ako naiinlove?

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gusto ko ng peace of mind that's why i cut off a lot of people and quit on things that can possibly make me feel things. di ko alam pero napapadalas yung pagiging anxious ko lately. minsan din gusto ko nalang matulog lang. i'm not exactly sure why i feel like this. di ko alam kung san galing. ang pagkakamaling ginagawa ko ay minsan sinusubukan kong i-associate sa tao. di ko alam kung kay bon o alka. hahaha wth kim. anyway, kung ano man to pwede bang mawala na yung bigat?

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kung tatanungin mo ko kung mahal pa kita, ang sagot ay "habambuhay"

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love.

love for me is inescapable. parang malaking parte at konsepto ng buhay ko ay laging umuugat sa pagibig. kahit ilang beses ko pang i-deny, lagi akong bumabalik dito. and it feels so fucking pathetic to feel this much about it. it disgusts me, but i can never seem to escape it. so please don’t laugh at me when you read the next paragraphs.

i’ve had a lot of failed landi since highschool and i only had one long term relationship. this led me to believe that love will always come with pain and it will always end. i can always see the end and i always expect it to come. so when things turn bad, i leave as soon as i can to prevent prolonging the agony. i don’t mind the process if i’m being honest. i love it, it makes me feel alive. the feeling of newness and the pain after. i have come to enjoy it, make it a hobby. i don’t know, tamang pangongolekta lang ng trauma. because pain is art ika nga, marami akong natututunan, sa sarili, sa ibang tao, mas lalo kong naiintindihan ang human response HAHAHAHA. pakiramdam ko naramdaman ko na lahat ng klase ng sakit, bibihira nalang akong masaktan ngayon. it does come with numbing, getting used to it.

there’s always something missing. i saw how expectations could damage relationships and i had to work on it within me. i had to stop looking for it from someone else. i took time to learn how to accept things that are out of my control, to build boundaries and stop projecting. i wasn’t sure if it was working, so i took a test drive.

was i successful? that when i met this person, i didn’t care about who she is and what she did. is this how unconditional love really feels like or it’s just some clown shit? did i heal or did i make loving a lot harder? why is it not intense, but also deep? is this what healthy feels like? why can’t i see it as love? how do i stop looking for obsession and co-dependency so i could feel loved?

alam mo yung kung paanong walang gigil sa mga bagong bersyon ng mga kanta ni taylor swift? may gigil sa love story. it was intense and youthful, now it’s just calm. is this what maturing feels like? kalmado ka nang umibig? hindi ko na naman maintindihan. walang pattern to based from eh. i didn’t see this in the past. is this how learning from old mistakes and promising not to repeat it looks like? ang hirap mangapa, ang hirap na hindi ko na naman kabisado kung paano yung laro. i can’t recognize if what i feel is real. ang hirap nang tukuyin kung may pake ako o wala akong pake. i’m either all or nothing. i don’t know how balanced emotions feel like.

and i’m trying my best not to associate this new feeling with someone and romanticize it as different. it was a lot easier when i was skeptical, when i could see things ending. give me 2 weeks, limot ko na sila. out of sight, out of mind. sana nanatiling scam yung pakiramdam ng “the one.” hindi ako natutuwa na nageexist yung possibility na to. hindi ako natutuwa na parang wala akong choice makalimot. all i can do right now is to keep proving this feeling wrong. i hope no one discovers this feeling, and if they do i hope they end up together in this lifetime.

kakatapos ko lang manuod ng You and now i feel like a huge fucking red flag.

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parang classic tugtugan mo 'tong pinapatugtog ng kapitbahay namin. iniimagine ko ito yung tugtugan ng tita at tito mo

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wag mong kakalimutan damhin ang kapaligiran

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