sambamwreck-blog

[sambamwreck-blog]

Insight to my day

It is my third day at my outpatient program and I am thoroughly enjoying it and can say I think it is a good fit for my needs. As I said before, I will be here for about 3 weeks from 8 AM - 4 PM every day Monday to Friday.  I will probably leave in the first week of May, but I do not want to push myself too much, because I know the transition back to regular school will be hard for me and cause some stress. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to be back eating lunch with my friends and talking to my favorite social workers. But, the school environment was always hard for me and going back after missing weeks is challenging. I will go through my daily schedule that changes a bit every day and talk about what I do here for 8 hours. 

M, T, Th, F

I go to “school” for two hours at the start of every day. I can work on whatever I want and have mainly been doing English work like blogging and finishing the assignments I have left. 

The next 50 minutes consist of a group that changes every day. Monday and Friday are for goal setting and review. Tuesday and Thursday, we split up for Men’s and Women’s groups. 

After that, we have another group that changes frequently. Some groups are Life Skills, Family Communications, 

Usually, after two groups, we will go to lunch. We order lunch at the beginning of every day and it is delivered to us. There are many options and most of it is good food. I like getting chocolate pudding or the Rice Krispie bar. We also watch a movie for the time we are eating. We watch Secret Life of Pets and Finding Nemo.

After lunch we have 3 more groups before we leave:

Process: talk therapy where we discuss problems and receive feedback 

Mind and Body: activities to get our mind and body working. We made a coping skills flip book on Tuesday and on Wednesday we did yoga and learned tips to get better sleep.

Experiential:  we play a game that ties the day together and lets us have fun for the last hour

On Wednesday, everything is switched up a little to fit in Multi-Family Therapy Group that last about an hour and a half at the end of the day. This allows families to come in, talk about problems, relate to one another, and find common ground in hard times. 

I am very glad I found this program and was able to be let in. I think it will prove to be very beneficial to me in the weeks to come and allow me to focus on myself for the first time in years. :)

[sambamwreck-blog]

Snow in April?

I’m running out of things to blog about, but the weather we are having is quite strange where I think I could talk about it. Last night, while the winds were whipping and snow was heavily falling, my power went out at about 4:30 PM. My house and neighborhood are notorious for having power outages even with mild weather. It has gotten better, but strong winds alone used to send us without power for a few hours. Because of the frequency of no power, my dad bought a generator a year ago. It is very useful, but we only turn on the electricity in the rooms we need. We also live outside major cities, so our water comes from a well. The well works with the generator but takes so much power, we normally don’t run it. So, my night consisted of:

Coloring near a big window while it was still bright out

Playing cards with my brother and mom 

Making mini s’mores over a candle in the kitchen 

Watching a movie in the room we powered on 

Drank distilled water which tastes like metal and is not refreshing in the slightest. 

Going to bed at 9:30 and hoping the power would come back on in the middle of the night, so my phone and laptop could charge. 

I also reported the power outage to our electrical company and got updates on when it would come back on. The updates caused some anger in most of us as they kept pushing it back and we thought we might have to live like pilgrims forever. 

4:30 PM update - power would come on at 6:15

6:30 update - power would come back on at 9:30 

9:00 update - power would come back on at 11:30 

I fell asleep before I could ask for another estimate, but my dad said it came back on around 1 AM. 

Don’t take your electricity for granted, otherwise, you’ll be drinking metal water and making miniature s’mores to pass the time along. 

[sambamwreck-blog]

Change of plans...

I know I made a whole blog post about going to Montana State University to pursue nursing, but life is never how you want it to go. Excuse my language, but shit happens and you have to deal with the challenges and struggles life throws at you. With my recent mental health issues, moving 1,000 miles away from my unwavering support system (my mom) is straight up terrifying. At this time in my life, I can not be alone. I will give up on everything I have become if I am alone for even a few minutes. Not by choice, but the evil monster called Depression in my head is pretty powerful and makes choices for me. Moving to a new state that is 14 hours by car from my family, friends, and beloved social workers at my school is not something I need right now and it will hurt me if I do not heal properly. So, as a result, I have changed my mind on where I am going to go to school and possibly my major. After Kael (pronounced like the vegetable) talked about his time at University of Wisconsin-River Falls, I started to research more and found the university comforting and a viable option. It’s about 45 minutes from my house, close enough where I can go home when I need, but far enough to still attain that independent lifestyle. I still am considering nursing, but after my life turned upside down and I had the amazing support from a social worker, I started to think about becoming a social worker or therapist. I know how it feels to be trapped in a dark mind and to help teenagers through that would be so rewarding. My best friend, Allison, is also planning on going to UWRF for speech pathology so we will be sharing a dorm together! We are basically the same person and we plan on growing old together. College with her will be amazing. So yes, I changed my mind completely, but it is 100% for the best. I am very excited to keep a close relationship with my mom while rooming with my best friend. Life can be frustrating, but learning to persevere and be open to change will open the door to endless possibilities. It doesn’t matter which path you take, as long as you reach the finish line.

[sambamwreck-blog]

Self care has many forms :)

I recently have been having some difficulties with my mental health. I enrolled in an outpatient program where I go 5 days a week from 8-4. For 2 hours, I work on school, such as this class, and the rest is devoted to different forms of therapy. Yesterday was my first day, so I am still pretty new to this whole experience. I will resume my regular school in 3-4 weeks. I am learning to take care of myself and put my needs as a priority, something I do not do often enough. I will share what I did last night after returning home from the program that resembled a self-care mantra. 

5 PM: Made a healthy dinner with my mom and ate with my family while discussing the day 

6 PM: Made homemade banana cake with caramel frosting which was very delicious and I recommend making!

6:30 PM: Took a long walk outside with my mom to clear my head and talk about what my struggles were that day

7 PM: Put on a face mask, lit candles, and took a hot bubble bath to release the bad energy I had and to fully relax for an hour.

8 PM: Watched a favorite show of mine (Brooklyn 99) with my mom and dad to unwind for the night and have a few laughs.

9 PM: Went to bed! I normally go to bed around 11 PM, but this mental health extravaganza has been mentally draining and I need all the hours of sleep I can get.

My self care changes every day and it looks different for everyone. I encourage everyone to find their perfect routine that helps to relax after a long stressful day. :)

[sambamwreck-blog]

My Love for Music

I listen to music frequently, usually multiple times a day. Sometimes I listen to it just because I’m bored, or I need to focus on a task I am doing. But more often than not, I use it to disconnect from the world and think about my thoughts that the music brings out of me. If the song is about love, I will think about a past ex. If the song is on the sad side, I will think about my mental health and what problems I am facing at that moment. Music is a way for me to focus on important issues in my life that I will normally put on the back burner during my day to day life. I will be mentioning 10 songs that bring me to this headspace where I tend to close my eyes and just think.

     1. Sweet but Psycho by Ava Max

     2. You’re Somebody Else by Flora Cash

     3. Breakeven by The Script

     4. Iris by The GooGoo Dolls 

     5. Burn the House Down by AJR

     6. Better Days by The GooGoo Dolls

     7. Ocean Eyes by Billie Eilish 

     8. Shallow by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper

     9. Tequila by Dan and Shay

     10. Ahead of Myself by X Ambassadors 

A decent amount of these songs remind me of an ex that I still think about from time to time. Some songs I just listen to a song because having the windows down in the summer with an upbeat song loud on the stereo is a perfect way to just let go and have fun. Music has so many different outlets that can prove to be beneficial to many people. I think I’d be lost without music and it’s soothing qualities. I will now be tuning out the world with my headphones in as I blast Sweet but Psycho :)

[sambamwreck-blog]

Spring Breakers!

For my spring break, I visited Montana State University, the college I will be attending this upcoming fall. I thought I would do a pros and cons list to help me organize my thoughts on the school and to share a little bit about where I am going. 

                                                        PROS

Location - Bozeman is absolutely beautiful! Mountains surround you on all sides that you can’t help but look at and admire, especially as a Midwest girl who sees nothing but trees and farms. There is downtown Bozeman and then “city” Bozeman. Downtown Bozeman is like a replica of Stillwater, MN with old, historic buildings that now have cute cafes and small businesses. “City” Bozeman is like Woodbury, MN with new and updated buildings that house the average restaurant and shopping malls. I loved looking around both parts of Bozeman, because there was so much to see.

Personality - After going to a school for 12 years where looks and materialistic items matter, it was really nice to see that people from Bozeman do not care about those fake qualities and are humble people. Most people there do some form of winter sport and that’s the style, at least in winter. You will see a lot of snow pants being worn around, rather than stylish jackets and expensive jewelry, which is my style. I’d much rather wear a sweatshirt and leggings than a dress any day.

Population - The total population at MSU is around 16,000, but that includes graduate students too. The student to teacher ratio is 19:1 which is amazing for students like me who need extra help in the classroom and will not be able to learn in a 600 person lecture. The largest lecture they have on campus is 200. With college being a big step up from high school, having close relationships with my professors is exactly what I need to stay ahead of the game and prosper in my studies.

                                                         CONS

Nursing Program - I really love most aspects of the nursing program at MSU. For instance, I like that you will spend your first 3 semesters on general science classes and the last 5 are focused on nursing specifically. The one thing I do not like is during your junior and senior year, they could possibly relocate you to another Montana university (Billings, Missoula, Kalispell, Great Falls, or Bozeman) and that is where you would do your clinicals in a hospital. I wouldn’t mind this so much if me and my best friend, who is also attending MSU to become a teacher, hadn’t been planning to buy our own apartment junior and senior year. Otherwise, the nursing program is really hands-on and sounds like a great experience. 

I definitely have more pros than cons which is good, because I shouldn’t be going to a school with more cons on my list. I love MSU and I’m so excited to be a pre-nursing student this fall! High school has been fun, but I am so ready to become independent and start advancing in my future career. GO CATS!!

[sambamwreck-blog]

Paper isn’t strong...

Paper isn’t strong

It will wither under pressure

And as I erase my paper

Time after time 

I can see through the hole I made 

I can’t help myself

I need it to be perfect 

I crumple it up and try again 

Paper isn’t strong

But I am

I will not let this destroy me

I have withered under pressure

But I know this isn’t forever

I erase my paper

But soon, 

I will love all the flaws,

I used to hate.

I will be able to accept 

the crooked letters and 

sloppy lines.

My paper isn’t strong 

But I am.

And I will overcome this. 

[sambamwreck-blog]

Inked

On January 31st, the day after my 18th birthday, I got my first tattoo! I have been planning to get one for a while, but I didn’t know what design I was going to get until a few days into the New Year. I was looking through bullet journaling pages, something I like to do in my free time when I stumbled upon this quote: “When you let go of perfection, all that’s left is not trying or trying. Try.” I read it over and over. This quote is meaningful to me and I knew I wanted to read it every day of my life. I have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and have struggled greatly with it in my past and still to this day. One area of my life that is exceptionally hard for me is writing. I have to write every letter perfectly for me to continue on with the next word. It all had to look a certain way in my mind. If I wrote a crooked S or an M that was uneven, I would erase and erase and erase until I was content. Holes would cover my paper from the number of times I erased a single letter. Tears would consume me. I deal with this on the daily, although it is getting better. This tattoo is in my handwriting. Something I would never have done even a year ago. I look at this tattoo and see all the little mistakes and I have no choice but to accept them. It’s perfectly imperfect. I will continue to look at my tattoo every day and reflect on how much I have grown with this life-consuming disorder. I will post a picture soon!

[sambamwreck-blog]

The outer shell of my turtle life

Hello! This is a Tumblr that I normally would not create, but I think will prove to be good for me. I like to talk about myself, not in an egotistical way, but in a healthy, venting kind of way. If that makes sense? Since you all know me from solely my name and tiny picture, I will start out by giving an introduction to myself. Enjoy :)

1. My username is sambamwreck. Sambam is something my friend in school calls me, don’t ask me why, but I think it’s cute! My last name is Rech but pronounced like wreck. Everyone gets it wrong and says it with a ch instead of a ck or k and I do not blame them. It’s a hard last name, but it is who I am and I have learned to love it. 

2. I am a senior in high school. I’m generally very shy, which is why online classes are perfect for me! I have a close group of friends that I socialize with every day. We are active in social justice and all things pertaining to that. I used to play tennis, softball, and volleyball, but quit when it became too much with school. I work at a senior living residence now and love it. 

3. After high school, I plan on going to college in Montana to become a Labor and Delivery Nurse. The background on my profile is a picture of where I am headed! I leave in August and am very scared to pack up and move hundreds of miles away, but growth only happens when you move out of your comfort zone!

4. I love watching TV in my free time. It has become my way to de-stress and relax after a hard day. My favorite shows are The Office, New Girl, Parks and Recreation, Brooklyn 99, and Criminal Minds. 

5. I am an avid music fan. I love listening to Spotify when I do my assignments, when I’m driving, when I’m cooking, when I’m eating, when I do anything! It’s hard to choose a certain singer or band I love the most, because I listen to whatever genre I am feeling at that moment. BUT I will say Billie Eilish has some amazing songs that I have been constantly listening to recently. My favorite songs from her are When The Party’s Over, Bellyache, and Ocean Eyes.

I would be surprised if anyone read all of that, but it felt good to introduce myself to fresh eyes. I have been in the same school district since Pre-K and everyone already knows who you are. So thanks for listening to me overshare and I hope I get to know some of you too!