sammywammybits

[sammywammybits]

(Long rant/vent) I’m so much like my mother. They comment how much I look like her especially when I put my glasses on. They say I sound like her when I yell…

I yell I yell I yell cuz she yells she gets mad I get mad she forgets I forget. But I’m always in the wrong. I’m always in the wrong. She’s only really apologized once for assuming I took something which I didn’t. No matter what I do good or bad we all get punished cuz we are family. Then my mom turns to us and say “get mad with *siblings name” not me” like… what are you doing you’re the one punishing us for their actions. Do you want us to fight with eachother do you want us to shout and fight do you like yelling at us. Do you really want to slap me like you say you would. Yeah I’m mouthy. I have ODD what do you expect. And no im not taking more drugs to deal with it when I can probably do it… I don’t do pills cuz you say it’s expensive so I feel guilty and don’t take them even if they help. They don’t I just don’t crave food anymore. I turn into a picky eater I couldn’t even eat popcorn cuz it seemed gross I love popcorn but every day I wanted to take the pills hoping that I’d lose weight. But I take after you. I take after you I take after you I take after you I take after you I take after you. My throat is closing up. I want to sob but you taught me to shut it or you’ll give me something to cry about. I haven’t had a proper hug in 3-4 years after my dad died. I want to hang out with you but due to everything you have to focus on the younger twins. And sometimes I feel like you care about the dog more then us… more then me. I failed in life I’m held back cuz of you. You never encouraged me to drive. I’m scared of cars and of driving. You never showed me or allowed me to get a job. You never helped me. I’m a failure. I’ve already failed life and it’s not even close to being finished. I can’t even love cuz of you. I fear people. I fear of some men cuz of the guys you have been with after my father… abusive guy who is still in our life… it’s not the twins fault. I love them… then that other ex who would take us out to the side of the high way in the cold of winter cuz he was hiding that he was rolling his own cigarettes. He would smoke in his car with a fucking pod cast while me and my two siblings would stand outside and knock on the window asking when he was done. I told you a little bit ago that he had done that when we was kids but you didn’t really believe me… that same ex made me eat food that I didn’t like or made me eat food that was from the floor… he swept it up and put it in my mouth as I cried. Or how he was laughing at us cuz he was “giving out electronics a bath”. Or how he hit my little sisters bare ass multiple times. I can’t even remember why. But he was not our father he had no right to do that. That night I woke up a he was crying for you to help him. I’m glad you told him to leave… cuz those years I Remembered. Glad you have a good boyfriend tho you guys sometimes have problems… I don’t want what you had. I am afraid of love to the point I can’t feel it other then a strong friendly type of love. And no I don’t go to you when I have a problem cuz all you’ll say is “what do you want me to do about it” like i don’t know I’m just stuck…. I want to talk to you about my problems but I don’t want to feel ashamed after you say that you can’t help me or say I’m attention seeking. Yes I’m attention seeking cuz I don’t get enough and I want help but I’m to ashamed… and yeah I know you’re depressed aswell. I feel guilty for how I feel. Im not even a kid anymore. Im grown but still act like a child… was I supposed to guide myself to adulthood? Do parents help you with that or are you supposed to find that path? I’m lost… I love my mom but she kinda fucked me up… or I’m just stupid and overreacting of this… is this even normal…. And yeah I get it. I’m the second Oldest so I should have sucked it up. I’m sorry… I know. Shouldn’t have bugged you a lot with useless stuff so that’s why I’m writing it here so you can’t find it. Im so sorry mom.

[sammywammybits]

I would eat a baby for $10