samuel-glenn

[samuel-glenn]

9.7.21

When the fear sets in I feel it first in my shoulders He sees it in my head and in my eyes “You look miserable in all these photos” I still like the way you speak I still think you’re kind I think about my age, how I was never profound at a young age My horrible performances as a teenager My fundraiser for my mission trip to Wales The band Melody and I made in 2009 My energy was there, but my talent took time to catch up Or has it, or will it I’ve been looking at jobs for the past hour Nothing seems right  Why does it seem like as soon as I catch my breath, I’m swept back underneath Keep your head up Tread water I can return to hospitality if I have to but I really need to be careful I got my visa today Three years in concrete 

[samuel-glenn]

8.31.21

The longest month The slowest hours Time moves slow when we’re apart I snapped on my parents for the first time last night The pandemic came up, they were questioning the Delta variant I encouraged them to get the Pfizer vaccine that’s now FDA approved I snapped and took the plates to the kitchen and walked to my room like I used to as a child The piano is tuned so I spent all day organizing my songs

[samuel-glenn]

8.23.21

A circuit, a carousel, round and round Un-level, a mountain next a valley, all a cliche rollercoaster, rise and fall Tide, ebb and flow I am caught somewhere in the middle I am off in the middle somewhere In-between is the message on my radar Blasting in big red, out to see morse code Like a distant lighthouse, a siren Down by broadway The light goes dark then sun fast like a day time strobe Under the train, in the afternoon The flashing is also in my head A glimpse of todays phone call The day prior The spool tightens Do they know I’m lost? Do I reflect what they expect to see? Radiant red yellow blue Natural corkscrews in my spine Neon nose and eye lids No makeup, no high gloss It’s all faux for nothing But I get by with the charade  Several limousines in the back of his mind If you speak nice and kindly   They’ll never know How deep the hole goes

[samuel-glenn]

8.18.21.pt.3

i turn to ice in the a.c. alone is alone, was while watching me watching him on t.v. you’ve changed why does this always happen I stay full throttle  you stay towards the door now you don’t say the words now you said you’d never stop that’s just how the brick falls it’s just how my jaw drops

[samuel-glenn]

8.18.21.pt.2

my back grows into the blue ridge Not in a way Like all you people say It’s a slouch But it’s all my own And it’s where my home is It’s not a paper bag  It’s not a new address It’s the way it’s always has been all I do is eat and drink for fun when I show you everything you look for a route to run

[samuel-glenn]

8.18.21

I am living in between two streams Bodies of water cutting waves into coffee machines and boxes of letters How we would use the blade to slice open envelopes Here, there is a cup for every day of the week A time for every season Casting nets into the years you were young Pulling back birthdays good and bad Feeling the weight of the stones you kept in plastic  The empty pages of your books The fine print, the awards you won IQ tests given to children alongside a certificate for a jump-roping contest It’s Thursday, and Ryan arrives tonight It’s been two years since we’ve seen each other The time I came home before heading off to London The irony of it all dusts off Unwrapping gifts prematurely in order to stay in his Christmas apartment alone I didn’t mind The past years have seemed to be a giant strand of yarn God has held Endless and stretching forward and back Now he takes the ends and ties them neatly in a loop

[samuel-glenn]

8.16.21.pt.3

I remember the day at the top of the tower Listening to angel olsen  Weeping throughout the whole album When the woman touched my shoulder Like I was crying for the disaster Like I lost a loved one I did in a way I let you leave me that day I stayed up all night I went to the dance party in the container at north brooklyn farms I went to Vaselka alone I walked throughout lower Manhattan, From the East Village to the Financial District I think I was crying for the end of my time there Saying goodbye to you from a high-up view Bird’s eye, bull’s eye

[samuel-glenn]

8.16.21.pt.2

Too much of a break Too long of a time If you could be here If I could be there It’s the same old story Told a different way In a different time

You’re never done When will you be done

[samuel-glenn]

8.16.21

the light splits into seven colors we spill out onto the front porch to see it all in plain view I stop and sit and watch hummingbirds flock to the neon red nectar the news is the only weight their right wing woes me, in the kitchen hovering over the new york times Haiti, Afghanistan, The Delta Variant The wave of boredom has hit me I am swept up in a dream On a mountain, at the farm A piece of wood smoking in a room that I burn It chokes everyone, the atmosphere turns to smoke

[samuel-glenn]

8.15.21

all your life in boxes all your life in plates and diners when you leave it behind when you go out and do it all over again with a new man

[samuel-glenn]

8.13.21

Everything is in context of where you have left and where you are going I’m building my confidence slowly I won’t be the executor ‘cause I’ll be gone Away in the lack of sun, under on of those dozens of bridges, with him The coffee is weak again I walk in the backyard, through the woods The paths we made when we were young 

[samuel-glenn]

8.12.21

The shock of new numbers The shock of new locations The lack of a reliable car The presence of loneliness The strength of coffee Day one Day two, too strong Day three, too weak Everything is moving in boxes Dusting off corners His hundreds of video tapes The good art tucked away next to dozens of cameras Dozens of journals  Old coffee bags I saved as a teenager I wonder if my daily jolt comes at a time that makes more sense across the water I add five to the time just in case But there’s no pattern, it’s just a coincidence  Tommy calls me from a carwash  He’s anxious every time I tried on my old overalls last night I’ll save them for Dean Tonight steak and potatoes again Squash and okra Bread and cheese Milk and honey

[samuel-glenn]

8.4.21

There are no red flags throughout my decision making I’m maturing into confidence he is my assurance, decorating my bald head with jewels Decorating my shoulders with strength When we were rolling around in the hotel room When we were trying to calm our friends down in the late night manor Last night at the thai bar, there were neon lights flashing Oranges and greens, a boxing match projected onto the screen I have a Leo and my best friends join me The food is spicy and she seems sad I pry and then I say the wrong thing carelessly It hits a nerve and she leaves the restaurant I walk him home after we sit together for a bit I grab my bike and my package and my old mail and walk home past places I used to go I enter the loft and catch my breath I chat with stephanie then fall asleep quickly I wake up in the middle of the night after a vivid dream It was at nanny’s house John and Seren were there John was walking up the stairs past the canned preserves He walks past and I say “Don’t talk to me.” Even in my dreams I’m on your side Hungry people everywhere Everyone’s waiting on food I put out some biscuits to keep people occupied One guy complains and I yell at him I go off explaining how stressful the situation is, cooking for everyone He leaves and then we hear a gun shot a few minutes later Nate and I go to a bar, there is giant white, glowing backdrop behind the bottles and bartenders The man enters with a rifle He’s looking for me We run off, I wake up

[samuel-glenn]

8.3.21

Day two or three staying at the loft at Varick  The sun drains my energy but I keep wandering around drinking decaf Hunchback and thirsty, sweaty and eager My parents aren’t getting vaccine And I’m making an effort to see them for my mom’s birthday The heat is all I can think to speak of Last night I went over to Beth and Tyler’s place in Greenpoint It’s beautiful and we ate dinner on the upstairs roof deck We watch the bachelorette and drink manhattans I have such beautiful friends here All stuck in space and time I can return anytime and pick up where I left off New york will always be a sort of home But more and more it feels like an in between where I needed to learn some lessons

[samuel-glenn]

8.2.21

when the deal is made when you want to leave new york when you’ve had enough when you move your things south when you give your signature  the check is cashed the power you give over for your purpose and for a restart

[samuel-glenn]

7.30.21

The ebb and flow of my mind The green light, the red The permission, the debt But in the shower I realize I’m young I don’t need to stress about saving for a mortgage I am not them I am young It is right I will have my dream job and my music will be successful Everything will become even clearer At the hotel at the desk with the okay decaf coffee We stayed up drinking gin and orange KFC on the table We’re dizzy but we dance We talk and Dean becomes more open Figuring out what I should do for my last morning of freedom I fly out tomorrow morning Under the Bridge comes on the radio The window opens up to a courtyard No plants, no garden Just HVAC equipment and white washed brick and concrete Not too different from the  national theatre or the hayward gallery

[samuel-glenn]

7.27.21

I’ve hit a wall I feel like my time here is falling over a ledge The parks, the two bedroom in leyton, the new chance to recreate my life I don’t want to go back to new york, but I don’t want to get over my head Or do I have to? What do I do if I don’t do this? How do I get what I want? The loan company is the poster child of evil. My only hope is the PLUS loan Otherwise I’m screwed A part of me is viewing this week as my last  I can rebuild a life again but where Alone? Have I just created a build up to a fall? Yesterday it hit me Last night I dreamed of all my friends here I cannot go back to how my life was. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. Looking at apartments I can’t afford in brooklyn The market’s returned to normal What do I do if I return? I could go back to school, Get a better loan opportunity Get a better state tuition for new york I just made my mind up It’s not about the country It’s about you Though I feel alone some nights next to you I’m not My last two years of new york was loneliness Until I met you Am I destroying us all  Am I clinging to new york like a ledge Like a desperate grip I can go back and get a dumb work from home job Or a music job a place with a roommate use my last money to buy furniture TBD