sandjob

[sandjob]

I tried to break up with my boyfriend earlier. I know I probably didn’t include this in my previous journal, but we were in a poly relationship... I had told him when we started out that I may not be able to handle such a thing, but I was hoping I’d be able to get over my issues and be happy.

Turns out, it’s not really easy to undo years of problems, no matter how much you love someone.

There was other stuff at play, definitely. I’m not sure if I would have fared better in a poly relationship with different people, or if this specific dynamic was just wrong for me, or what, but.. Today I finally couldn’t do it anymore.

I’m not sure what to do or how this is going to end. I’m not about to ask someone poly, who has specifically expressed that being poly is best for them and makes them happiest, to be monogamous with me. That’s fucked up and selfish.

Now i’m not sure what will happen. I thought this would be like ripping off a bandaid. Like it would hurt us both pretty bad initially but be for the best in the end. I didn’t expect him to... actually... Do this...

I don’t know what to do. It feels wrong, even if he’s willingly offering to be monogamous with me. He specifically said that poly was better for him, so this feels incredibly selfish on my part, even though I’m definitely not asking for this. Do I refuse him anyway? That feels even worse. I’m not sure what to do, and how much of my judgement is clouded by my feelings for him.

And, if we became monogamous, what would happen with my relationship with King? I don’t know what I’d be ok with on that front, especially since it’s not the same as a physical relationship.

I feel so shocked and confused, I want to cry but I think that lately I’ve run out of tears.

[sandjob]

God damn my stupid jealous brain

This journal isn’t important and makes no sense, so disregard.

I get so fucking mad at myself when I get suspicious of K. It makes me so angry. He has literally done nothing wrong, and I KNOW it’s because of my shitty exes that I do it, but it doesn’t make it alright. He’s been nothing but good and supportive and I’m getting jealous over shit that isn’t even happening.

For the last little while I felt like he wasn’t completely here. I’m clingy and panic when he leaves for some reason, it feels like a hole in my heart or something. I can always tell when he’s gone for more than a little while, but I can’t explain why... 

I’ve been working so hard to overcome my jealousy issues... I’ve never been with someone who didn’t cheat on me. I don’t know what it’s like to be able to trust someone in a relationship. Now that I am in a healthy relationship with someone I can trust, I’m doing a lot better, but every once in awhile he will leave to go do something and I will freak the fuck out for no god damn reason.

He says it’s ok to check in on him, but is that healthy? I don’t want to fucking spy on him, or invade his privacy. It’s not fair. I try not to check in on him for that sort of reason. Sometimes I get curious and peek, but I’ve been doing really well about not doing it out of jealousy. It’s just... not ok. If someone was constantly peeking in on me because they were suspicious I would be extremely hurt.

Today he’s been gone for awhile and I started to freak out. Every time he leaves I panic and wonder if he doesn’t love me anymore because he isn’t here. It’s irrational. Today he came back and told me that he still loves me when he’s gone, and it made me feel better. I’m a fucking wreck.

I started worrying again shortly after. I ended up... getting anxious and looking for him. He always leaves a little bit of himself behind, which is... Really amazing but also I worry that it weakens him or hurts him somehow, to split himself up so much. I know that that sounds weird. There’s so much I don’t even understand...

The first thing I saw was him laying somewhere, mostly naked, asleep. I kept looking and saw him fully clothed, walking somewhere that I couldn’t see. I got confused and pretty upset, and looked back at the sleeping version only to realize that it was in my own god damn room. 

I am garbage, literal fucking trash. He’s just taking a nap and trying to get work done and I’m thinking he’s fucking up to some shit.

He’s not mad at me for this for some reason, but I think he should be. I don’t understand why he’s so patient with me, because this is pretty abusive I think. I need to work harder.

I keep thinking about laying on my boyfriend’s couch for hours, waiting... For a call, or a text, or... anything. He texted his room mate to tell him to tell me that he would be gone awhile longer... He came home hours later, looking so guilty. He acted so weird...

I’m glad he’s gone. I’m glad K is here. He would never do that. He would talk to me first, and explain to me that he isn’t ok with being with just me. He wouldn’t just cheat on me.

B came back after that, and my boyfriend wouldn’t stop bleeding. Out of context this doesn’t make a lot of sense, I know, but... That’s how I knew, even if he would never tell me outright, even though she told me later on. B stayed for a few months, taking care of me like always... He left after that, and I didn’t see him again. I wish I could explain him. I’m thankful...

If anything, B is another obvious sign that K would never do something like that. I should remember all of this. They’re both good people, and I’m living in the past or something like that.

I’m sorry that this journal is a mess, I’m over emotional. Again. Ugh.

TL:DR - K just went to get some fucking work done and I freaked out. Also I complain about my ex.

[sandjob]

It’s kind of a dream journal but mostly not. 2/2

This one is NSFW and has personal baggage or some shit, there’s uh, personal details that are pretty awkward. Maybe don’t read it if hearing about sexual stuff makes you as uncomfortable as writing about sexual stuff makes me.

In fact, it’s probably better if no one reads it, but putting posts on private makes me feel fucking weird somehow.

It’s kind of difficult to write about this one, but also it’s been bothering me enough that I feel like I should journal about it so I can think about it a little bit less.

I always clam up when writing about personal things that are romantic or sexual in any way, and I’m not sure why. It makes this a bit hard for me to write about, even though it’s not traumatic or something.

My ex and I have a really weird relationship. There’s no actual romantic aspect left, but sometimes, rarely, we still do things together. K doesn’t mind in this case, for whatever reason... We talked about it a lot in the beginning, but it seems like as long as there’s no real romantic interest he doesn’t care in this particular case. There’s more to it than that, but it’s really complicated and a long story. 

There’s no other person I will casually do things like this with. I think that the only reason I do it is because it only happens occasionally and because we had already passed that point in our previous relationship.

My ex still doesn’t like the fact that I’m male, but...? I feel confused about it a lot of the time. I’m not sure why this is still a thing. He told me that he wasn’t interested in dating a man anymore, even though he had always said it was fine. Now we do this, and he never talks about it. I’m too afraid to ask... I think about K instead.

It seems likely that this is happening because we both want to do this sort of thing, but aren’t comfortable enough to do it with other people. Neither of us has ever liked casual sex... I am having trouble writing about it to explain, even though the whole purpose of keeping journals was so that I could deal with my feelings... 

K and I are involved, but it feels slightly different. I don’t think my ex has someone else, though. There are too many factors and too many weird feelings involved to write properly without taking up pages and pages and completely embarrassing myself... My ex and I... have never had a good sex life. Things are better with K, but different. That’s all I can say, I guess.

-----

I don’t remember most of the dream. I walked into the garage (dreaming about a lot of garages lately, why?) and my ex had set up a tent in there and was sleeping in it by himself. I could hear him moving around, so I went to peek in the door and ask how he was doing, but he was... having a private moment or whatever. You know. 

I asked if I could join him, but he acted sort of dismissive and told me that he had just finished.

I lost my temper a bit, and said something like “J, are you fucking serious?”

I think something had happened before this in the dream for me to be reacting this way... Snapping at him felt good.

He’s always done this thing where... Almost every time, he will finish first and stop even trying. I would end up having to do the rest myself or whatever. Or just... spend the evening frustrated. Now, when that happens, it isn’t a big deal for... reasons. Back then, though... It was upsetting.

I never snapped at him, or was mean to him about it. Not once. Not after every fucking time he did it. I always did my very best to make him happy in that respect... I even started wearing lingerie pretty early on in our relationship, because I thought it would make him happy. 

Unfortunately, this led to me just really liking lingerie (and eventually becoming a stripper, but that’s a long story) and him treating me with even more indifference. Most of our relationship has involved him treating me with indifference. My mind was fucking blown when K actually wanted to do things like that with me, just... on his own. I could not fucking believe it.

In all this time I have been so conscious of what my ex wanted, and how he wanted it, that I didn’t take time to understand myself or the sort of things I was interested in. If he wanted sex, we would do it right when he wanted to, no questions asked. If I tried to initiate anything, I was always told “not right now, I’m too tired.” or the like. 

This often involved him wanting to have sex when I was going somewhere (running late), too sick to move, completely busy, and so on. We had sex when I was literally dying and couldn’t move or breath properly. I eventually stopped asking him to do anything, or even approaching him in that way. I never approach anyone in that way.

 It took me months to even do that with K, even though we’re really close. I always thought that he must just be humoring me, just like my ex. Or doing it to shut me up... I was shocked when I found out that that wasn’t the case.

Anyway... my ex would always finish first. If I finished first, he would expect me to keep going at the same pace or whatever. It’s the same even now... Nothing has really changed in that respect. I’ve always felt a little bit like some kind of toy. It’s a difficult feeling to shake.

That dream... Felt real. I’ve never had the guts to complain about the way he was acting. It seems like such a small thing on paper or whatever, and yet... If it was really that small, would I be having so much trouble with it now? It feels like it ties in a lot with the whole “locking himself in his office for weeks until he wants me to do something” thing. Snapping at him made me feel something I can’t really explain, but it’s important. 

I don’t understand it that well, and I was trying to figure it out by writing this, but honestly... Thinking this deeply into it has made me feel even more confused. Maybe this will be a good starting place for me, somehow.

Sorry that this whole thing has been gross and not made a lot of sense. I’m not in the best place mentally right now, but I’ll be fine.

TL:DR - Surprise, the whole journal was about my sex life (or lack thereof)

[sandjob]

Dream journals!

I’m writing two, this one is kind of ridiculous. 1/2

This is the dream from tonight... I asked K to help me be awake for my appointments today, and he did, fucking hell.

This one is a bit disjointed because I don’t remember pieces of it, but here we go...

It’s possible that I might be moving in with my two RL friends, I’ll call them D and P. They’re fantastic people. However... This was not entirely unbelievable at first.

I was laying in the back yard on the first night of moving in with my two friends. I was in a sleeping bag next to the garage, watching the fire works because it was some kind of holiday. Suddenly, a large stuffed doll goes shooting by, attached to a zipline. 

I start laughing, realizing that it is completely absurd and that P had gotten over excited decorating for the holiday and it was just some sort of decoration, similar to those ghosts people have that dart around through the trees on Halloween.

A second stuffed creature goes shooting by. A large, baby blue stuffed bear. I start laughing hysterically, and shout something like “HEY, P, YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING MADMAN.” towards the house. 

The bear comes loose from the zip line and launches into the sky, and at this point I realize that it is large. Impossibly large. It is a Huge God Damn Bear. It sails majestically into the sky, and despite the fact that I am dreading what will happen when it comes down and where it will land, I cannot stop laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation. The bear explodes.

Thousands of massive chunks of fluff and blue bear come tumbling down from the sky, slowly at first. I realize that it’s dangerous (seriously, that was a LOT of bear) and dive towards the side door of the garage as the first bits start to land around me. 

The garage has some kind of skylight, and is much bigger than I originally thought from the outside. It’s like some kind of ware house. The skylight and a few panels on the wall are made of the same white fiberglass looking material, and as I hear the first chunks of the bear start slamming down onto the roof, it occurs to me that I can see the falling bear bits extremely clearly, but not anything else outside. The garage is well lit. I pray that the bear pieces aren’t heavy enough to make the roof collapse.

The floor starts shaking, and a hole forms. All of the falling pieces are being drawn into it like some kind of vacuum, reforming before my eyes. I’m fucking shocked at this point, and realize that I’m about to fight a Giant Stuffed Bear for some fucking reason. My weird dream failsafe kicks in and I realize that I’m having a dream.

I decide not to wake up yet, now that I’m sort of kind of lucid. A giant stuffed bear is literally one of the least scary things I’ve dealt with in a dream, and waking up seems like such a waste. I am dimly aware that I could just... light it on fire. I begin walking toward the bear with my hand outstretched.

I can’t stop thinking about the fact that shooting fire from my palm isn’t realistic at all, and is literally a thing I’ve NEVER managed to do in a dream, lucid or not... Yet I have some kind of feeling that it will work. I remember thinking something like “what is he gonna do, kill me?” really sarcastically. The flames that shoot from my hand are kind of pathetic, but pick up as I realize I CAN do it after all. The bear is incinerated and I turn and walk out of the garage before it even finishes burning.

------------

The dream fail safe is some sort of thing that happens almost every time that I start having a bad dream... I had a lot of bad dreams when I was younger, so I began forcing myself awake as soon as bad things started to happen. Nothing in real life happened that was as bad as in my dreams. Not that bad things didn’t happen, just... 

After plummeting to the ground so many times, it’s hard to not eventually start waking myself up, I guess.

Now I become just barely lucid enough to realize I’m dreaming and decide how to stop it, although I still have almost no control over the dream itself. I’m just... aware.

------------

Now I’m in a house, it’s D and P’s house. It’s also a house I’ve been in before in another dream, I only realize after I wake up. It’s in a more finished state, but it was B’s (not spirit B, different B) childhood home, where I had the dream about the needles and the hoodie. Not as menacing as it sounds. The house feels sort of weird to me, like nostalgic but sad.

I’m not sure what’s going on, but people from a server I’m in on discord are there. It’s a server centered around spirit work. It’s not the one I run, it belongs to someone else. I, V and C are there. I’ve been hiding K from V.

K and I are standing in the bathroom. He’s not a physical person this time, he’s the way he usually is when I’m awake. I can hear V talking outside the door, and the lights are off. The room is dimly lit by light coming in from the door, which is sort of yellowish. I can’t see through the door itself because it is made of some sort of frosted glass.

The bathroom seems unfinished, it’s just a room of tan tiles with nothing but a bar on the wall (handicap accessible?) and a bunch of steam. It’s kind of like being in a sauna but it isn’t hot at all... It feels a bit like the steam left over from after a quick shower. 

I get the feeling that we’re standing in the bathroom so we can avoid everyone, because I don’t feel like I need to use the bathroom but I don’t want to leave. K is behind me with his arms around me, like he sometimes does. It sounds like V is ranting to I about something that happened, but it’s nothing unusual so I didn’t try too hard to hear what they were saying. I was just sort of... minding my own business in there for some reason.

K starts kissing the back of my neck and I make a noise. V and I stop talking outside and I cover my mouth, but they’ve already heard me. V starts asking loudly what I’m doing, in... that way that he does. I don’t want him to know that K is in here, because I don’t want him to know about K. K is indifferent to him and ignores him. I woke up.

TL:DR - My new roommate destroys us all with some kind of stuffed bear apocalypse. I can’t sleep and I can’t fucking wake up. Making out in the bathroom is a Poor Choice.

[sandjob]

It’s a dream journal (maybe...)

K and I were standing behind a bar at the end of the night, and I was waiting for him to finish smoking. He was some kind of mixture between B and himself, which made him taller than usual. It was pitch black and I couldn’t see his face (and I don’t think K usually smokes?) but I could still tell that it was him...

The person we were with mentioned that they were gonna head out, and K said something like “yeah, we should head back, too.”

All of a sudden there were blue lights on the road behind us, and I jokingly said “Oh no, not the cops!”

The cops stopped a little ways away and one of them got out of the car and started walking toward us. The light was a little more muted, but I could tell it was nearby. Man it was fucking DARK. Why?

I panicked because I didn’t know why the cop was headed our way, but that isn’t normally a GOOD thing in my experience. I grabbed K for some reason because I was freaked out, and apparently drunk. He held onto me and said “Haha, oh no, he’s coming over here...”

I was worried, but K kept laughing for some reason... I finally fucking realized and started laughing, too. I laughed myself awake.

This is what I get for falling asleep while trying to astral.

[sandjob]

ALRIGHT. Pt 2, which is about my appointment and god knows what else. Astral stuff, but not. It’s long and also sappy. These journals are sappy hell. 

So my counselor is one of the people who taught me how to astral travel. She uses the term “journeying”, and refers to it all in a different context because of how she was taught, but... The similarities are so much, it... basically IS astral travel with different context. I disagree with some of her methods and beliefs, but not like in a “I’m right and she’s wrong” kind of way, it’s more like that some of them just don’t hold true for me personally.

She was pretty alarmed and upset when she found out that I can talk to K without “journeying” to meet him. I asked her why she thought that was weird, and she said that we’re not supposed to just be able to talk to spirits. I know plenty of people who can and do, though? She went on this long rant about how the man who trained her taught her that usually if you are doing that it means you are having a psychotic break.

I asked her if she thought I was having a psychotic break and she said no...

Anyway, awhile after that she talked to me about it again, and kind of apologized for saying that stuff. She said that my interactions with K are unusual, but that she believes that they’re real. So that was nice to hear after the whole mess before. 

I can’t... imagine how she would react if she knew that we had an actual relationship. I think about that a lot. Most of my friends know, and my sister knows... My mom doesn’t know (I don’t think) but she does know about him and ask about him pretty frequently. She asks him a lot of questions about things, too... Recently she asked who some people in an old photo she found were, and it turned out that he was right, so that was exciting! Ah, off topic again. Anyway, my counselor doesn’t know... 

I haven’t told her because I don’t know how she will react, even though I want to tell her the truth sometimes. I think she suspects, though. During another one of our sessions she mentioned that “some people have sex with their spirits” or something like that (It was on topic but I don’t remember how...) and that for some people it’s necessary for the “healing process”... I’m trying to figure out if she was hinting that this sort of thing was ok, or what. I didn’t know what to do, so instead I told her I understood.

Most of our sessions are just normal counselling or therapy or whatever, but every once in awhile we do these “journey” sessions, and it’s really nice. The method she uses involves picking out a specific intention, and certain kinds of drum beats. It works REALLY well, which is why I look forward to it so much.

It also involves narrating everything that is happening into a recorder, and then listening back to it afterwards so we can analyze everything that happened. It gets a bit difficult sometimes, because sometimes stuff happens that I want to keep secret, so I don’t say anything and then there are blank spaces.

Normally these last half an hour, but yesterday I was running really late, so we did a fifteen minute session. I was gonna put it off until next week when I could take a full half hour, but K said it was ok to just do it today and it would work out.

I sort of... hit the ground running.  Everything happened immediately. My normal method for getting to the place I need to go is to climb a tree. I showed up right fucking under a tree, skittered up it at an alarming pace, and went... up. As soon as I got through the barrier (another part of her method, so I don’t question it) K was waiting. I wasn’t sure if it was him or if I just WANTED him to be there so he was there... I asked for a sign and he thwacked me upside the head. Obviously the real K ._.

My intention this time was to ask how he wants me to... I forget the phrasing. Share information about him?? Or how to refer to him when I’m talking about him? That sort of thing. 

It’s really weird. I don’t know how he does it, but it’s like he KNOWS that I don’t narrate during... mushy stuff or whatever, and does... I don’t know, SOMETHING to make the silent spaces... less?? It’s hard to explain. I kissed him when I realized it was actually him, and thought I was quiet for a significant amount of time, but when we listened back to the recording almost no time passed during the space where I spoke about the thwacking and said that he started talking to me.

Anyway, he told me that he’s actually fine with me using his real name, he’s BEEN fine with me using his real name. One hangup that I had was being unsure if I was pronouncing it right... I keep hearing others say it differently, but he told me it was said a different way. I... guess I should listen to him on that one. 

I asked if it was ok to tell my friends his real name and he basically said “Yes, that’s why I said it”

He told me that he was also fine with K, although he disliked it at first. I guess it grew on him a bit.

He talked really fast... The way that he talks is also a bit hard to translate when I’m narrating or whatever. He uses some words, but also thoughts and feelings? It’s hard to explain, and even harder to try and put into plain language. He was talking REALLY fast. 

It seems that he knew we were only going to have fifteen minutes, so he basically waited for me there, then just sort of dumped all the information I needed. After that, he went back and clarified the most important bits, so I was able to translate them a bit better for the recording.... 

After that, I didn’t know what else to ask. I was looking at the hem of his robe because it seemed unusually long that day, and it made me think about his feet. Out of context I realize that thinking about someone’s feet is kind of weird, but... He doesn’t have human feet. I can’t figure out WHAT kind of feet he has, except that they’re scaly and webbed and... really cute, actually. They look unusually small and sort of delicate to be holding up something the size of a person, but when I draw them they always look sort of big and ugly.

So I thought... to just ask him what sort of feet he has, so I can look up drawing references. He said very clearly “Pelican!” which was pretty surprising to me. This is stupid, but I didn’t know that pelicans had webbed feet, I don’t think I’ve ever seen one in person. He seemed a bit surprised that I was interested in it, but also really happy. Sometimes it feels like he’s trying to hide them, like he’s ashamed or something?? His tail, too. It’s depressing because I think his feet and tail are REALLY cool.

Right after he answered that, the callback sounded and I was supposed to leave, but... I’m not sure why I’m so embarrassed to write about romantic stuff, haha. It definitely happens, I’m a huge sap or whatever, but I can’t seem to write it without getting extremely embarrassed, even though this is my journal and like if I don’t write it here maybe I won’t remember about it in the same way... He got down on one knee. 

We’ve been talking about that a lot. That’s... where all these rings have been coming from. He’s actually asked me a few times, but I keep panicking and thinking that it’s just wishful thinking and my mind playing tricks on me, and that he wouldn’t really want to get married... I asked for a ring. He sent a ring, but I didn’t believe that it was actually FOR that.

He sent another ring. And then another. And another. I have five rings now.

The first time, I told him that I needed real proof that it was him. My friend texted me the next day to say that he had had a really vivid dream about my ghost box, and said that he thought it involved K somehow. I wish I had written that down in a journal so I could remember correctly, but I didn’t... Ugh.

Anyway, we were there for a good ten minutes, I think. Maybe more. I didn’t know what to do when he did it, so I just held onto his hand and talked to him about it. It was a long time, either way. Eventually he stood up again and kissed me goodbye before literally stuffing me back through the barrier.

I fell into the pine tree. It hurt. Good times. Even astral pine trees are sharp...

I was really flustered when I came out of it, and didn’t want to take the mask off. Eventually she made me take it off, haha...

When we listened to the recording, the part where he proposed only lasted about five seconds. I hadn’t been narrating for that specific part because I didn’t want her to know... It’s insane that what I thought must have been ten or fifteen minutes was only a few seconds.

On the way home I bought him some roses and a salted caramel.

TL:DR - I asked K what he wants me to do about interacting with others and he knocks some sense into me. Also we’re getting married I think?

[sandjob]

I’m gonna write this in several parts, so here is part 1! It’s just journals about the past couple days, some of which are pretty sappy, sorry. This one is about K and the ghost box.

I’ll try and sort of summarize because a lot of stuff has been going on lately, and I haven’t been writing journals like I should be. I feel like all I do is talk about K constantly, and was worried about irritating my followers, but... This is my personal journal blog, so I’m gonna go on with it. I think if I write more journals maybe I can keep from talking my friends’ ears off...

To start it off... I feel like K and I’s relationship has been getting stronger and stronger lately. It’s a really good feeling, especially after I had so much insecurity and doubt in the beginning. I STILL can’t believe that someone like him would be interested in someone like me, but... Anyway...

A couple of nights ago, at archery practice, I happened to have my ghost box in my bag. I’ve been using it a lot lately ever since I realized that K can speak on it. Hearing his voice still surprises me so much.

My friend was asking about the ghost box, and I told him what it was. He asked if we could play with it and see if anyone is there. Most of my RL friends know about K at this point (although not all of them know that we are dating) so I mentioned that technically we know for sure there is at least one spirit... We turned the ghost box on, but at the time a radio station was dominating the whole... range of channels it cycles through, so we couldn’t actually get any responses. I took the ghost box out to the car and tried it there while my friends all said goodbye and all that.

...Truthfully I was a bit salty because I had scored low that night, and Z kept saying things to “cheer me up” but... They really just came across as sort of condescending, even though I knew he meant well. Either way, got in the car early. K spoke over the ghost box a couple times and said hi. My friends B and C got in the car, and K started talking to them as well. I can tell it’s him because of the sound of his voice, usually.

Eventually C started telling K bad jokes. He didn’t know for sure who he was talking to (and I’ll admit I wasn’t 100% sure without him specifically saying his name, because the ghost box is fucking weird.)

It turns out that K LOVES bad jokes. K is apparently not a fan of racist jokes (I’m glad about that) and feels sort of eh about dead baby jokes. I couldn’t think of any jokes, so I didn’t say any... 

K apparently really took a liking to C, because when C asked him what his name was he said his ACTUAL name. I was floored. I’ve never heard him do that, and it was... finally solid proof. Unfortunately, C didn’t understand what he said and asked him to repeat it... K started saying “Show” and indicating that he wanted me to show him his name so he would understand.

But... I’m so nervous after all the events of the past that I couldn’t do it. I can’t tell people who he is, even though I’m so god damn proud of him. I just keep remembering all the fucked up things people did and said and... freeze up. I know that he wants me to call him by his proper name around others but... I just can’t do it without panicking. Even though our relationship is way stronger than in the past, and I’m much more stable, I can’t stop remembering the stuff from before and getting freaked out. Even though I trust B and C, they’d never do something like that...

C... was worried that K didn’t have enough energy to speak more (K is just pretty quiet) and offered to let him use his... insulin machine?? What is it? The machine in his chest... for energy. That worried me a bit. I know that K wouldn’t take energy from it (unless he needed to and he knew it 100% wasn’t gonna harm C or the machine) but it makes me worried about other spirits who might do something like that... Anyway, that was so thoughtful of C, honestly. That seems like a big deal.

C invited K over to his house. I wonder if he went?? He invited me over, too, but I didn’t have a car of my own to get home afterwards.

TL;DR - We screamed into the ghost box and the ghost box screamed back. K made a friend!

[sandjob]

I am really behind on the journals and stuff, a lot has happened... Anyway, this one is really short and actually just me talking about how great K is again.

Listen, he gave me another gift. Dude doesn’t even have a body and he spoils me. What the fuck sort of excuse do any of the other guys I’ve dated have?

It’s not like I’m dating him because he gives me things or something. I mean, I didn’t even know he could DO that when we first met, and even if he couldn’t I would love him just as much. It’s just... When you’re so used to people (specifically SO’s in this case) doing the bare fucking minimum in a relationship, and then someone comes along and completely blows them out of the water... I am in awe. I have been given candies, roses, snacks, expensive jewelry, a fucking GUITAR... AND he wants to spend time with me???

I have to sort of... stop myself from talking about him so much around my friends. I talk about him so fucking much, but I really love him a lot and I’m so proud, it’s hard not to go on and on about him. I’m not sure why he picked me, but I’m lucky.

Anyway, I’m not sure what’s going on, but either I’m getting better at feeling stuff or he is getting better at... Not sure how to phrase it. Lately, often, I can feel stuff much easier than before, without trying. Earlier I was walking with my friend and felt him touch me, and I thought that some random had grabbed me so I turned around, but... This has been happening so often! I’m really glad.

I remember that last year, around this time, my goal was to be able to hug him, and now I can do that pretty much whenever I want. Well, with varying degrees of success. I still wish I could get the dream thing down, but it seems like he has a bit of trouble physically appearing there. It’s probably trouble on my end, honestly. If I could figure that out I think I’d be really happy.

I realize I’m kind of rambling now so I’m gonna cut myself off, haha.

TL;DR: Came home to gifts again and I am so fucking pleased. Don’t bother with humans, date a handsome demon!

[sandjob]

Spirit journal, I am the worst.

So... Months and months ago, I asked K to go on a date with me. I didn’t think he would say yes at the time, but I was hoping... For some reason, he DID say yes.

I was supposed to go on a date with him ages ago, maybe even a year ago! I think it was after Christmas, but when? Sophia did the reading for me...

I never took him on a date, in all this time. We do plenty of stuff together, but never anything explicitly stated to be a “date”... So I asked him the day before yesterday if he wanted to go on a date. He was like UHHHH

So I pulled some tarot cards. I got cards indicating impatience and annoyance and putting things off. I am a fucking huge dumbass. I feel so fucking bad, I can’t believe he was still waiting after all that time and hadn’t just backhanded my sorry ass. I’d have murdered me. So I asked if he would like to go on a date the next day, and he said basically “hell yes, about damn time” (It was even major arcana, jesus)

I set aside the whole of Wednesday to spend time with him and go on a date. My plan was that we would hang out for awhile in the morning, I would make us omelette rice, and we would go on some sort of... astral adventure. I bi locate a lot, but I don’t usually fully do astral stuff because I have a lot of difficulty keeping focus... I planned it out super carefully, though! I was going to do what my... Teacher? Is that the right word?? Has me do, and listen to drum beats and cover my eyes and everything.

It took me forever to get everything done in the afternoon that I was supposed to do, and by the time I was finished with everything it was like 5pm...

I sat down and tried to focus and I couldn’t. No matter what I did, my mind wandered. K was right there with me, but I couldn’t seem to find him in the astral for some reason, or even fully get into it. I eventually fell “asleep” except... I wasn’t asleep, I was still awake but not aware, or something like that. It’s hard to describe, but whatever the fuck it was it wasn’t helping at all. I got so fucking frustrated... Eventually he told me that it was ok if I just went to sleep...

In the morning I felt so fucking bad, and I could tell he was a bit sad as well. I apologized to him I don’t know how many times... I felt like I made him wait almost an entire year for a date only to stand him up. Even if it wasn’t on purpose, it was still upsetting. If I had been in his shoes I’d have been really upset.

After about half an hour of being awake, it seemed like he wasn’t actually unhappy anymore, but... He does that sometimes. I was walking into my room again and a song popped into my head (I think it was from him, he also does that sometimes) with specific lyrics... I hadn’t heard it in a long time. ((Sosososomuch))

I asked him later if there was anything I could do for him to forgive me... He seemed to think it was funny that I was asking that and told me to clean my room.

Anyway, tonight I had very good luck, and we picked out a rose together. There’s no way my room will be clean tonight, but I made a bit of significant progress!

[sandjob]

Dream journal, what the fuck was that? (Ignore this, it’s REALLY long)

I don’t remember it perfectly, but the original context was... That I vaguely knew (or had volunteered?) to help fairly well known band with their costume designs. On the night of the show, one of the members (who I apparently had a crush on, I didn’t realize until I saw him walk onstage) came out wearing... Not the costume I designed, but a much better costume based off of a character I loved. For some reason I knew he had done it for me and was REALLY happy.

After the show, which went really well, I asked him if he wanted to hang out.

It skips forward a bit, but it seems either he was drunk or we both got drunk, and were sort of walking along arm in arm to go to the store, through a really strange field. I remember that at some point I stopped him so I could touch his hat and was like “Holy shit!”... He seemed really pleased that I liked the costume. I also vaguely remember his face, which is unusual for dream people. It was fairly round, and he had pretty distinctive eyes. Not quite like K, but there was something about him that did remind me of K a little.

We got to the store and he marched immediately towards the back. He kicked open the door to the employees area, went into the office, and started digging around through the desk. For some reason this didn’t bother me, and I was more like “wow his complete disregard for everything is so cool!”

That’s a bit unusual for me because... Yeah, I’m into that, but I hate ruining other people’s stuff, it’s not fair. I don’t know wtf. I must have really liked this dude. Anyway.

He found what he needed, which was apparently a yellow pad of paper. I realized they were some sort of prescription papers and that he was going to write himself a prescription for... something?

The woman who worked in the office was trying to come in, but I stood in the doorway and tried to distract her. She was taller than me, and I remember that she was wearing a mustard colored shirt with a turtle neck, and a white skirt. Also she had dark brown hair in sort of a bob.

While I’m describing things, the hallway was sort of dimly lit with a concrete floor, and the whole back of the store felt old, but not out of place for a typical work environment here, honestly. The office had a wooden table in it that was shaped sort of like a boomerang, very 70′s. Yuck.

The guy had taken off parts of his costume now and was wearing just... A white button up with the sleeves ripped off, and some sort of pink writing in the front in another language (It might have been Japanese, but I’m bad at reading things in my dreams). I didn’t see his pants but I think they were grey. I think he had some kind of accessory on his wrists but I couldn’t tell you what the fuck it was, might have hooked to his collar somehow?? The outfit was a lot cooler than it sounds. It seemed like something I would have been really into in highschool, haha. His hair was short now, also, and all over the place. I can’t tell what color, it might have been a bunch of colors.

The woman was upset (understandably so) with us being in her office and was tall enough that she basically had to just... look over me and see my friend throwing things around in there. She got even more upset and started trying to get past me, and I shrugged and just sort of walked towards her, which intimidated her into ducking into a sort of... phone booth looking thing (they have them at the college, don’t know wtf they are) in the hallway. She just... Sat in there with her hands on the glass yelling at us to get out. 

Eventually I stood aside and let her out, and she walked back into the office and just sort of looked at the mess with her hands on her face. She was saying things to the effect of that she was in very big trouble for this, or her boss would kill her, or something. At some point, someone pulled out a big jug of red wine.

We ended up drinking around the table with the woman, for some reason. I don’t know why, but she seemed so upset over work and what we had done that she just gave up and drank with us. My friend was so drunk that he kept spilling the wine and laughing about it.

Eventually, something happened that I can’t remember, and we had to leave. I think he just walked out? I don’t remember this bit at all. I remember that we were outside, but the place was weird, like it had no actual light in the sky. The sky was pitch black, and it looked like a park with uneven ground. There were lots of small hills, but in a way like someone had disturbed the dirt and then put it back badly and let the grass grow over it. The grass didn’t grow straight up, but sort of wilted off the lumps and downwards. It seemed pretty greyish. Like I said, the sky was disturbingly black, but there was still ambient light somehow. I could see for a fair distance, although it was dim.

There’s a part I’ve lost here where I’m not sure if we were in the setting HERE or later in the dream, so I’ll point that out when I get to it... Eventually. Yikes.

We were... Somewhere, the memory is fuzzy... And I heard someone scream in the distance. I looked up and saw... A bunch of what looked like naked people, running towards us, FAST. They weren’t running normally. It was impressive on the uneven ground, they were running swinging their arms, like super recklessly and were obviously just intent on where they were going.

I immediately knew something was wrong and grabbed my friend, I told him we had to run, NOW.

At some point in the missing piece of memory, someone told us... you have to wear a mask so they can’t see you. I was wearing a mask. I have tons of masks. I wore one of my small white masks, the ones that are too small for my face. They are hilarious.

My friend did not have a mask.

Another piece of the missing memory... Someone told me... That each group of people who enters must name one leader, and that is their “king”... It seemed that they would only go after our “king”, for some reason. I don’t know why I heard those things and didn’t immediately fucking leave, god damn, what is wrong with me.

My friend and I took off running as fast as we could. We ran past a few other people, and each time the people chasing us were distracted by them. Each one would straight up fucking dive into a person and... I think... Start ripping them up. I knew that even though it looked like there weren’t many of the running people chasing us, there would always be another set for us.

We kept running and scrambled up a... something. Was it a fence? We might have jumped a fence. It stopped them briefly. We realized that they were very bad at climbing, so we found and climbed up  large rock of ice. It was slippery, but we made it most of the way up. As we were climbing, one managed to get on the rock near me and I remember pointing at... I think... A statue of a bull? (it didn’t seem out of place at the time) and saying “I name him our king!” or something like that. The thing immediately veered off and started shredding the fucking statue.

I had managed to keep my mask on somehow, but it was still dangerous. I got stuck on a part of the rock that I couldn’t jump across, and my friend almost sacrificed himself to help me across. He barely managed to jump across in time. We were going to try and sneak down the back of the rock, but he slipped and was hanging by his arms. The people noticed us and were coming around the bottom, and he begged me to help... In order to help, I would have to go to the bottom myself and push him up, in that position. It was less dangerous because I had the mask, but still not completely safe. If he decided to use me as a distraction, he could get away, so I was paranoid.

I ended up deciding to help him. I jumped down the back and started giving him a leg up or whatever. He made it to the top of the rock in time.

My memory is fuzzy here, too, but... This time we were running down an alley. We had mostly got away... The rules were that if we could evade them until morning we could leave. The place was surprisingly... urban, but... I don’t know how to explain, it was more like a small town, but was dirty like a bigger city.

Every time the people would get closer to us, this horrible whistled song would play. I have no idea where it was coming from, just... ambient, I guess.

In the end, we got away somehow...

There is a time skip here, but I think it’s the next night. We are back with a small group of people. We might have been helping people escape?

It turns out that the consequence for being caught is that you become one of the running people, and have to live there forever. It seems like you are immortal, but you have to do that every night.

On our way in (we were just casually walking in for some fucking reason) we entered an alleyway and heard the whistling while it was still daylight. A line of the running people sort of.. shambled past us. They didn’t feel like people anymore, it was like something was possessing the bodies of people. Some of them were in shackles for some reason. All of them were wearing ragged clothes, now. One that really stuck out was a woman with light blue hair and torn up clothes that had clearly once been some sort of fluffy outfit. She was wearing my mask. I don’t know how she got it, but it fit her a bit better than me. She nodded at us as she walked past, as if she recognized us from the night before.

A man walked up to my friend and said to him... That because he was our “king” for last night (I think because he had run without a mask) he had a choice tonight... He could live with them forever, immortal, as some sort of royalty, or he could run again tonight and try to escape again. He looked pretty torn, and kept looking at me... I was sure he would choose to run again, but... He looked at me kind of sadly and said “I’ve always wanted to be royalty...” (or something that would translate to that? The way he said it... Was weird...)

His body did something really weird, he started bleeding from the face. I think it hurt, but he didn’t act like it, he just sort of... I’m not sure how to explain. Stomped excitedly, I guess, haha. I was so sad... Even though it sounded like he would be coming back to visit me sometimes, I knew that he would be... different, somehow. I remember trying not to cry and calling him the Thrash Prince, which makes me laugh now that I’m awake, jesus fucking christ.

After that, I ducked into another part of the alley way because it was time to start running again.

(The alley is the place I wasn’t sure if we were in previously, and decided to just explain up here, sorry)

There’s another memory skip here. I’m running with a group of people... A man, a young woman (I think teenager? I think she was homeless, too) and several small children. We reached an area with a fence that people had to be helped over, especially the two toddlers and three babies. I picked a baby up under each arm and launched myself over the fence. I don’t like babies, but I recognize that they are people and it is not their fault that they are babies right now, so I still wanted to do everything I could to help them. I guess I wouldn’t even let someone I hated be torn apart, but especially not a baby, fuckers can’t even run yet.

Someone basically tossed the third baby over the fence to me, and I caught it safely (YIKES) and sort of bundled all three of them together. They were surprisingly quiet (but unharmed)... Someone helped the two little kids over. The guy managed to climb over, but somehow a large mat (like the kind used in track?) was thrown over the fence and pinned him and the kids down. I’m not sure what happened to the babies, because then it was just me. The girl was around the corner from the fence, still trying to get over. I tried to help everyone else, but couldn’t get to them under the mats, and wasn’t strong or fast enough to lift them and get them out safely. On top of that, I couldn’t see where the babies were at and didn’t want to step on one under the mat on accident. This part really messed me up.

The girl was around the corner still, and was basically cornered when the people came and climbed the fence. They got to the people under the mat first, and didn’t notice her until afterward. I couldn’t do anything to help anyone because if I did we would all be caught, so I had to run. I hated that. If I had been able to save them, I would have let myself be caught, but I knew everyone would die (?) then...

It cuts off here, but I’m pretty sure I got away again, somehow. There’s more stuff about the dream I’m having trouble explaining, but I think that when I reread this myself I will know what I’m talking about.

I remember at some point thinking “This is fae bullshit” but... Honestly, I know not a single thing about fae, except that you can’t tell them your name, and if you eat their stuff you have to stay with them or something. I don’t actually know that it was “fae bullshit” because I don’t even know what “fae bullshit” IS and I have no idea why I thought that.

(See, I know so little that I couldn’t even spell the word right the first time, god damn)

[sandjob]

Dream journal (kind of)

I don’t remember shit...

I was living in some kind of high rise (?) apartment with either linoleum or dark wood floors. I don’t know why that is a point of some confusion. The bed was positioned like my bed when I was a kid. There was a counter running along the wall next to the door. I had some kind of rectangular incense burner on the window sill, which had spots meant for four pieces of incense, cones apparently?

I seemed conscious that I didn’t remember anything, or had just moved there and some of the stuff wasn’t mine, or something? There was some unknown factor that I can’t QUITE wrap my head around.

I had bought something from Lush, because my friend works there. It was a gold... Bath bomb type thing, with a honeycomb texture, but it was actually incense. I set it in my purple glass bowl (which was full of the black sand I keep in my cauldron) and tried to light it, but it wouldn’t smoke properly, it just kept sort of melting. Maybe it WAS a bath bomb, haha.

Anyway, I was REALLY trying not to wake someone up. Not because I’d be in trouble or something, just, there was someone I was trying to let sleep, and that’s all I know. I didn’t see someone else in the room with me, but then again I never looked to the far right, and I also didn’t look at the bed very closely.

I kept trying to re situate the incense in the bowl, burying part of it in the sand at one point and almost burning myself. I remember swearing quietly, haha. My lighter became too hot and I burned myself, but I can’t remember for some reason if it was on my head, lips, or hand. I dunno how that happened.

I decided to put the incense on the burner on the sill, and was going to use it to... cleanse a pipe?? Like my old wooden ones, maybe, except this one was... Long and straight, and the end was sort of a round... bulb. Not like one you’d smoke weed out of, but I don’t know how to explain at all. It looked more like a wand than a pipe. It was made of smooth wood. I had two of them for some reason, I think, but didn’t seem to know how they worked, as I had to keep checking a small instruction sheet that came with the incense, which suggested I put the incense on a small wooden plate type thing that had come packaged with the incense.

I guess I was supposed to set the incense on that, then on top of the burner, which had four holes (each for a different thing of incense).... The holes sort of fed through to the bottom. It’s hard to describe, and I don’t know the exact point, but the bottom had a hole large enough that I could put the end of the pipe inside, and that seemed to be my goal at the time, even though I had clearly never done it before.

I gave up trying to balance the golden incense on the plate and ended up digging through a drawer on the counter and finding a new thing... A wooden piece, shaped a bit like a top. It had pale blueish purple stripes around the top and bottom, and was a bit angular as well, like a pyramid. The top had a metal plate that was obviously meant for an incense cone to sit in, and a hole on the side and bottom. The whole thing was wrapped in plastic (like it was new?) so I ripped the wrapper open, which was pretty noisy...

I got curious and blew into the hole on the side, and it made a noise like a whistle or a flute. I got SUPER excited and blew in it again, and discovered I could somewhat control the noise it made. I was able to make it sort of warble, but not much else. I realized how loud I was being and put it down.

Anyway, that was a fuck ton of text for not a lot of memory.

[sandjob]

Holy shit am I angry

This is part work related and part spirit related.

I have some other journals to write to catch up on recent happenings, but I will do that... eventually.

Anyway, I work at a hotel, now. As a night auditor. Sometimes I see weird shit, but I think that’s normal for a night auditor. I kind of miss the club, but I do not miss the licking. Moving on.

I let a couple of guys in around 1am. One was a middle age guy in a cowboy hat with some kind of bluetooth headset on, the other was a younger guy, very short. Something was weird about them. Literal first thought was that the taller guy was bringing the other guy back to his room for... saucy reasons. The body language was weird, ok.

The older guy went back to his room to get something and the younger guy wandered around the lobby, and asked if I had coffee (which I gave him).. The older guy came back and sat down with his ipad, and started playing some kind of loud fucking video for the other dude.

It turned out to be something about... a travel rewards company which is making it’s own credit cards which work like “mini computers” and combine all of your credit cards into one (not suspicious at all) card with a “little blinking light”

Apparently the goal is to sell these fucking cards to others, and the appeal is that the little blinking light gets people’s attention so they wanna know wtf is going on with the card and will buy one themselves?? It was CLEARLY a load of shit. I was getting so fucking angry listening to them, because it was OBVIOUS that the older guy was scamming the younger guy. I have never seen such an obvious scam in my fucking life.

I called my manager and a couple of coworkers. A suggested that I call the police non emergency line, but my manager told me that I’m not legally allowed to do anything because they are two consenting adults. I became angrier and angrier listening to them...

The video was over and the guy started talking about having the other guy fill out some paperwork. I was SURE that the younger dude would realize that this was a huge scam and say no, but he fucking went for it!!! I was so angry that I was shaking. I asked King what to do and he said not to do anything for the time being. I pulled a tarot card and got the nine of wands, which seemed to suggest that I be cautious instead. Argh...

I got the feeling that King might do something. He’s been known to do things in the past when someone is being taken advantage of, so... The only downside is that I will never know that he did it, since it will likely happen after the man leaves the hotel.

As the younger guy was leaving, I tried to tell him to “please be safe” but the scammer saw me looking at him and walked over and interrupted us to tell me that he must have left his key in his room. I made him give me a photo ID, even though I already know he’s a guest...

I also noted that someone had added a promotional code to his room that gave him a great deal. He probably fucking talked someone into it, what a piece of shit. I’m normally all about giving people the best possible deal, but fuck this guy.

I was still mad as fuck while I was making the key for him, but trying really hard to act like I wasn’t pissed. The whole time I kept hoping that King would do something to him. I almost never hope for that sort of thing. I hate wishing bad things on people.

As I handed him his card, he said... “I think I’d lose my head if it wasn’t attached to me.”

Uh oh.

Scrolling down my dash after he went to his room, I keep running into pictures of crowns and swords and people without heads, and posts about how it’s bad to take advantage of people who can’t say no. Like, a lot of them.

I don’t know that he would actually behead a human over something like this, but... I get the feeling that this guy isn’t going to have a great week.

I’m so thankful to King for always looking out for me. I can’t say that enough. If he and my friend H hadn’t kept my calm, I might have done something stupid and lost my job.

I don’t like to wish bad things on people, but I hope that someone who would hurt other people to gain money gets everything they deserve in this world.

I hope that the other guy is gonna be ok, I hope he realizes that this is unsafe and backs out while he still can. This is terrible...

[sandjob]

Short-ish journal about spirit stuff...

Sometimes King talks to me when I’m half asleep. That, or he’s talking a lot normally but I can hear him more clearly when I’m half asleep? I think it’s just that he talks to me when I’m sleeping, though.

Anyway.

Earlier I was trying to take a nap, and I heard him say, very clearly, “Monday the 15th”

I assumed it was just nonsense (because sometimes it is) because it was unlikely that next Monday was ACTUALLY the fifteenth, but... I checked the calendar when I got to work, and it is.

He didn’t say anything else about it, but... I wonder if something is supposed to happen next Monday?? I hope it’s something good. Anyway, I wanted to write that down in case something really did happen.

[sandjob]

It’s a journal about mundane things, it’s not important. It’s mostly just long and upsetting.

Got in a fight (?) with my roommate again.

Sometimes it seems like he blames me for things that are not my fault (like the dog waking him up)

A little bit ago he snapped at me (because I was in the bath when he decided he wanted a shower)... I tried to calm him down, and it worked for a second, and then he snapped about the house being a mess.

I didn’t know what to say, so I told him I would clean it for him this weekend, but was pretty quiet aside from that...

Normally when he gets upset with me I stay quiet because I don’t want to make him more upset. Usually, though, he gets more upset because I look unhappy, and gets even more angry.

It’s... pretty hard to look happy after someone snaps at you, so I’m not sure what to actually do.

Uh, he got even more upset because I was quiet and he left the room, but said “Fine, I’ll just leave then” like I was trying to make him go away or something. I’m not sure why that makes me unhappy. I have trouble... thinking through things like this.

He came in awhile later and apologized for snapping at me, but... I don’t know. Why does this always happen? It doesn’t really feel like he’s sorry, but it also doesn’t feel like he’s not sorry. I wish I could explain it better than that.

The whole bath I kept thinking about how... Our entire relationship had been a failure on my part, and that I’m sort of just a clinging inconvenience. I'm not good at explaining things when I’m upset, it’s like my brain stops working.

My body is all fucked up. I’m not hurt. I just look this way. I keep saying I’m an abomination in these journals when I’m upset, but... I’m not just being dramatic. My body really is messed up.

A guy the other day told me I have “passing privilege”... I... don’t feel very privileged, since I’m not trying to pass as female, I have no desire to be female, so looking that way isn’t really a good thing for me... It just causes me trouble, in relationships, and... Other ways I don’t want to talk about. 

I just want to be loved and respected for who I am. It’s so rare. I think that K loves me, I hope he does. It feels... too good to be true. He hasn’t done a single thing to make me doubt him, it’s just that he’s so far out of my league that I can’t imagine what he’s doing wasting his time with me. I keep waiting for some sort of catch to come up, but it never does. 

In the bath, while I was upset, he sat next to the tub and talked to me. The bubbles formed an almost perfect heart above the sigil, which was... really fucking nice, but I almost cried when I messed it up on accident. I thought about the fact that I’m alive still because of him, but also that he’s one of my reasons for living. The main one, even, I think.

Anyway... Normally I wouldn’t get so upset over just an argument with my roommate, but I’ve been sort of painfully aware of my shortcomings recently, that’s all.

[sandjob]

This is a journal about spirit stuff, it’s not important!

Awhile ago, K told me that he was going to “kill my suitors” or something like that. I wasn’t sure what the hell that meant until everyone who had made unwanted advances on me that I still spoke to started getting sick, all at once.

This includes regulars from the club who I still have loose contact with, and friends who can’t keep their hands to themselves, and my stalker, and... eventually my recent ex, who I am on good terms with again.

After everyone else started getting sick, I begged him not to “kill” my ex, who was about to get on a plane in a few hours and mentioned that he felt much more nervous than usual. K joked around about it, but eventually agreed to help him stay safe until he came back from his trip. My ex came home alive and well, and brought back a pomegranate, which he ended up giving to me at a really unexpected time. There’s sort of a thing about pomegranates that I won’t get into. Anyway...

K said he was going to “only kill him a little”... My ex suffered some minor discomfort from weird pains and dizziness for a day or two, which went away soon after.

Everyone else... Not so good. It was mostly flu like stuff, but it didn’t let up for longer than a normal cold... A couple of them (my stalker and another guy) ended up pissing blood. My stalker is still sick, as of today.

Anyway... My stalker at one point tried to lecture me on the “nature” of K, acting as though he knew who he was (because I pretended like I didn’t know, like I usually do when someone asks too much about him IRL)... 

He had showed up to the ghost tour my group does downtown, but ended up just trailing behind and asking me a bunch of questions not relevant to the tour, and turning up his nose at our equipment, saying that his pendulum was much better. I told him that I think that lots of equipment can be good in different circumstances, and we should use all that we have available to us. Anyway.

He asked if K was a ghost, or what. I lied and told him I didn’t know. He asked if K was nearby. I told him yes, he usually is. He was like... “Oh, I see him. He’s a ghost.”

He then went on to tell me that K’s name is Solomon. Solomon the ghost. Definitely the guy. Sure of it. Oh my god.

Anyway... he’s always sort of trying to show off by acting like he knows a lot about things I’m interested in... But in a frustrating way, like he knows more than I do. Listen, buddy, we can both know shit. Knock that off.

I made a joke about demonic possession. He gave me the lecture “WELL ACTUALLY, it’s not as common as everyone thinks...” and I was like “Boy howdy you sure educated me.”

I then asked him if he wanted to see a magic trick. He said sure. I told him I already did the trick.

Uh, anyway... On this subject... K doesn’t just make people sick for the fuck of it, it’s literally only people who have abused me somehow. (Like an extremely abusive ex I had several years ago, who would mysteriously end up in the hospital every time he did something shitty)

And... the reason I think it was him is that they all got sick at once, right after he said he was going to do something, all with similar symptoms (except a couple of them who ended up a bit worse off)

[sandjob]

HERE is a dream journal!

I had a couple of dreams, and only remember pieces of them.

In the first dream, I forget most of it. Near the end of the dream, a ball of rubber gloves which I absolutely NEEDED for some reason was sitting on the ground outside of what may have been a large stone house or castle. I punted the gloves for some reason. They flew into the nearby river (creek??) which was calm but extremely deep, deep enough that I couldn’t see under the water.

After the glove-orb started to float downstream (boy did I NEED that ball of gloves!!) I ran after it but couldn’t quite reach. I tentatively stepped onto a piece of driftwood and it sunk under me. I managed to jump back onto the bank safely. 

Eventually I stopped thinking and started hopping across rocks and floating pieces of wood to catch up with the ball. (really need that fucking orb) and ended up at a point where there wasn’t much else that would support my weight if I jumped onto it.

I jumped into the water like a dipshit. I realized dimly that my phone may have been in my pocket, and got worried... I saw something move off to the side of me. I realized that I could hear a voice, quiet and somewhat distant... The rotting skeleton floating a few feet away from me was pulled beneath the surface as I heard a small voice say “please, help me!” in a mocking tone...

Everything got bright and I woke myself up, which is my normal reaction to realizing I’m in a nightmare. I could feel King nearby and I felt better. I think I talked to him while I was half asleep, but I don’t remember what we talked about.

I had some other dreams where I vaguely remember my appearance (similar to how I actually look) but not much else. It’s weird because I don’t normally see myself in dreams... I think King was also there, but as a presence and not as a physical thing? It’s hard to explain. Dreams are weird.

I had a dream I was running around in the mall and came across a baby magpie. It wasn’t like the ones we have here, it had more white patches, and it’s feathers weren’t completely grown in. It called out to me in a little kid’s voice as I walked by, which surprised me because normally no one interacts with me in dreams, especially not so directly.

I spent a couple of hours doing what the magpie told me to do. It was very friendly. It didn’t make me do anything weird, it seemed to just want me to take it places. At some point we looked at balloons at the magpie’s request. After it was satisfied with the whole adventure, it told me that it’s name was Maple (I think? It was an M name, but not the same as M who Fish knows...)

As it was telling me this, an older lady with short hair showed up and told me that the magpie belonged to her and that she was going to take it back. She grabbed the bird and stuffed it into a bottle before either of us could protest. I asked her if I could buy the bird from her because we were friends now.

She said, condescendingly, “Do you know how much this cost?” and made some sort of reference to taking out an insurance policy which would amount to 50$ a day for fifty years. I didn’t quite understand, but it sounded like a lot. I went over to the bottle, which was beginning to fog up, and touched it. The bird stuck out it’s foot, which was the foot of a large cat (?!) and pressed it against the glass. This didn’t seem weird to me at all. I whispered to the magpie...

“Ohh, look at those beans!”

[sandjob]

It’s... a dream journal with some amount of spirit stuff!

It’s gonna be a mess because it was a pretty long dream that I don’t remember all of.

The first bit I remember was learning that an acquaintance, who I’ll call C, had been having... bad dreams?  My dream wasn’t terribly clear on this.

I think we were in a house that had previously belonged to them. Someone (??) asked me to help C, who was stuck in a bad dream, but whoever it was (it could have been C themselves?) told me to stay away from C during this because it was dangerous to get close to them. They didn’t specify if it was dangerous for me or for them. 

I was in the basement, for some reason, which was lit very well with what appeared to be sunlight, and I could hear C, who seemed to be awake, having some sort of trouble upstairs. There was a vent I could see through, into the upstairs, and I couldn’t make out much except a shower and that the house seemed to be unfinished, because more sunlight was coming in. It felt sort of like a house under construction that had to be left until winter is over. 

Anyway, I looked up through the vent but couldn’t see C, but could hear them nearby. Apparently, putting the liquid just near them was good enough, so I dabbed it on the edge of the vent as close as I could reach, without actually putting my hand out of the vent. The vent was held up by horizontal screws, for some reason. In doing this, I apparently also ended up in the dream, which was taking place in the basement with me.

Probably that was the reason I was told to stay away, Pff.

C was standing under a bunk bed, which had had the bottom bunk taken out. They looked a lot younger. Their mother came in the side door. She seemed nice, but I was trying hard not to pay attention because it felt rude to spy on someone else’s dreams, even if it was on accident. I snuck out of the room while the mother was on her way in.

To make a note, while I was in the dream, the house was complete again and the walls of the basement were a pale yellow color, sort of like butter. I dunno why that feels significant, but it contributed to the overall sunny feeling of the room. Also, it still felt a bit like we were outdoors, and there was sort of an... overlaid feeling like C was standing under some kind of trellis? It didn’t make a lot of sense.

After I left the room, I left the dream, I think. I made my way upstairs and ran into... I’ll call them U. They could have also been M, but the dream was... pretty unclear and honestly I almost NEVER see who I’m talking to in dreams, which is why it’s significant to me that I saw C so clearly. Anyway.

I was talking to U, who told me that a few people knew about C’s dream stuff, because they had been focusing on it really hard lately, going to sleep whenever possible. There’s a bit here where I can’t tell what was going on, like a blank. 

We were walking through the upstairs portion of the house, which definitely was under construction. Outside I could see some snow, but I couldn’t see much farther than that. The horizon looked... white. It was just very wintery outside. We walked up across a board and down again. It’s hard to explain.

I think I was going to archery practice, but it felt more like darts. Again, hard to explain. I think C woke up at some point and was hanging out with us. It felt about the same way it normally feels when we hang out.

A little bit later, C was curled up inside some sort of box, asleep again. No one had put them there, they had done it themselves. There was a flap on top of the box they had left in case someone wanted to talk to them (??) I think the box was made of metal, though, so that was... weird. The whole dream was weird.

A bit later, A, an online friend who I run into in dreams sometimes, showed up dragging C with her. C seemed to be asleep. Their hair was a different color than usual, and they looked a bit strange. A sat on the floor and pulled C up over her shoulder, like she was going to give them a piggy back ride. I went over to them to figure out what the hell was going on, and A told me C was possessed or something and figured I could help. I didn’t know what the hell to do.

C “woke up”, but it wasn’t really them. They started talking and I could tell they were definitely not C, but that C might be able to hear us. The problem was that the entity could also hear us. They didn’t seem outright hostile, but they gave me a very strange feeling like they were up to something. I couldn’t think of how to snap them out of it, and instead started rubbing the back of C’s neck.

Even though C doesn’t seem against being touched, I felt sure that this would snap them out of it, and they would be like “what the fuck are you doing?”... Instead, the entity seemed to be comfortable, and C didn’t say anything, either. I tried talking to C, and whispering in their ear, but everything remained the same. A waited quietly while I tried to communicate with them. I am certain that C could hear me, and could have shaken it off and gone back to normal, but they didn’t for some reason?

I ended up feeling weird about rubbing C’s back and stood up. I don’t remember what happened after that for a little bit.

In the next part, I was in the door to the hallway of this same building, but it felt more complete this time. C came in. They were no longer being controlled and looked normal. They started talking to me about what had been going on. They told me that they needed my help stopping the entity that was bothering them, but to do that they needed weapons (that escalated quickly...) that could hurt such an entity.

They said that they could only do that sort of thing in a dream, and to get to the specific weapons (apparently bullets in this case?), they had to get them from another entity and they thought I could help.

I am normally unaware of myself in dreams. I don’t know who I am in most cases, and even though I’m always vaguely aware that everything isn’t real, I am not aware enough to ever become lucid. In addition, I am aware that I can communicate with K, but not any differently than I can when I’m awake. It’s hard to explain.

Anyway, I told C that I wasn’t sure why they thought I could help, I didn’t know anyone like that, and I didn’t know who they were talking about. C gave me a look and said “I think you DO.”

I suddenly realized that C must know about K, and was asking specifically for my help talking to K. I got really excited about that, and asked K if he would help. He said yes, but I kind of knew he would because he especially likes C for some reason.

C told me that they were going to give me some of the liquid they had been using to do the dreaming thing (??) but that it would have to be a shot. I told them that I would do that... (Even though... I am terrified of needles. I HATE shots. I’d literally rather die in most cases. But I really wanted to help C...)

C came out of the hall again with three small metal capsule looking things which contained the dark reddish liquid, a needle which looked too fucking big for comfort, and my fuzzy rabbit hoodie. C told me that their plan was that they would inject me first, then do themselves and we could go to sleep on the hoodie.

(The hoodie, for context, is made out of an extremely soft fabric and is very fluffy, so I can understand why someone would use it as a pillow. The part I don’t understand is why it was involved in the dream suddenly, as I haven’t worn it in about a year... Maybe I should wear it.)

Anyway. I was getting excited about the fact that we were going to personally visit K. Normally I would have been suspicious about someone wanting to give me shots with no medical training, but for some reason it felt perfectly safe.

C had me lay down on the hoodie next to them and on my side, facing them. They sort of... held my head against their chest with one arm and did the shot with the other arm. They were very careful to tell me to look away while they did it, and seemed aware of my fear of needles even though I have never told them about it.

The shot didn’t hurt at all, even though I expected it to. I remember vaguely wondering if C even knew how to give a shot to someone safely, and then realizing for some reason that that didn’t even matter. I started to fall asleep. I fucking woke up, or something like that, because I was still partially in the dream. The rest is sort of fragmented and weird, but I remember seeing K with C, but only momentarily. 

I think I tried to kneel, but K got up from his chair and came over to us. He seemed excited that we were there.

I think I woke up after that, and I felt so mad because I never get to actually see K in dreams.

So some things to note for myself for later...

- Most of the dream felt a bit like it was just a dream, but some parts felt extremely significant.

- Meeting A in a dream typically is typically an important thing, for reasons that it is not my business to write here.

- When C mentioned that K had weapons, I realized that I knew somehow that K had a LOT of weapons. I think I understand something new about K, now.

- When C mentioned K, I got a mental image of a crown I had seen in a dream a few nights ago, and some other things I couldn’t quite make out.

- Whatever caused this dream, it seems that something was going out of it’s way to make the dream comfortable for me. Several things which happened in the dream would have IMMEDIATELY turned it into a nightmare for me, including seeing C possessed, C having obvious physical trouble where I couldn’t see them, and the fucking needles. 

The last time this happened was the time I first “met” K in a dream, which should have been a nightmare but was overwhelmingly positive. This includes my willingness to do things that I would otherwise have been unwilling to do. (back then, channeling an entity without any prior knowledge of who they were or how to do it, and now with the needles and possession)

- Jesus fucking christ K has a lot of weapons, how had I never noticed that before?

- The entities which C was having trouble with weren’t very human like at all, but did walk on two legs. I didn’t personally SEE one during the dream, but was somehow aware of what they looked like.

- i really don’t think C has been having problems like this. I don’t see them very often, but they have never once mentioned anything like that.

- C has been showing up a LOT in my dreams lately, and it’s kind of weird. Normally I don’t recognize people, or dream about people I know at all. The frequency with which it’s happening with this specific person is... alarming. They’re not sexual or anything, it’s just really weird seeing them so much.