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podcast

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1JqXUTew9ife2LyUwkwuzB_Zy1tjnaeSf/view

[sandraehab1-blog]

letter to an object

Hey old friend,

Been a while since I have seen you, felt your heat, or even used you. Sometimes I look back and say "wow, for the longest I really thought I could not go out without using you", I could not be my true self because you were always there tempting me to use you. And it was even easier when my mom and dad would encourage me to use you because they liked the way you made me look. My friends liked the way you made me look and I got used to using you and the way you made me look to the point where I thought I liked you. The truth was you made my life a living hell. After showers, in the rain, not being able to go in the pool without my true identity coming out. I could not live most of my teen years to the fullest because of you. I feared how people would react if they saw the real me after seeing this fake picture of me that I have been looking like for the past decade. But that all changed when I moved from that toxic judgy community. I am now surrounded by people who are not scared to show who they really are, to be comfortable in their own hair. Today, I am happy to say I am not the same weak-minded person I was a couple of years ago, I don't need you anymore. Today my curls are like a crown on my head that I wear beautifully and am proud of. Yes, it took me many years to recover from the damage that was done internally and externally but in the end, it paid off. To my hair straightener, I do have hate for the way you made me feel on days but I also have to thank you because for a while I really thought I was comfortable in my straight hair. I thought it was the most amazing thing that ever happened to me and all it took was an hour then it was straight till the next time I washed my hair. We have a love-hate relationship but as I grew older I came to realize that it is more hate than love and some days I really do wish I could go back in time and undo the moment that I "fell in love" with you and my straight hair.

Sincerely,

Sandra

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video essay

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-_aUGREDXg

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snapshot

I am pretty sure you all know what this is but for those who do not these are the great pyramids of Egypt. It is one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. As I shared with you guys before I was born in Egypt and stayed there till my freshman year then moved to the United States. By then I am pretty sure you guys assuming I saw the pyramids several times and yes I did! They are so big and it makes my brain hurt how they even built that with no machines and nothing but ropes. People come from all over the world to see the pyramids but I was lucky enough to have an aunt whose house was right by them and every time I went I would sit on the balcony looking at how big those pyramids are. Now let me tell you about my first time going, it was during a school trip, we went to a couple of other places (including old Cairo) before ending up at our last destination which was The Great Pyramids Of Giza. This was my first time ever going and I believe I was in sixth grade. I was very tiny (still am not going to lie) and to me these pyramids were huge. I enjoyed every bit of being there and I even saw camels (for the second time in my life, I actually rode one before and the process of them getting up from the floor is more frightening than actually being on the camel) But back to the pyramids, I saw the poor people of Egypt sitting around and it made me think of how fortunate I was. I also saw a lot of tourists and that was my first time seeing tourists in Egypt. I always wondered do tourists actually get scammed? or is that something people just say. I might find out when I go back to visit even though I will not be a tourist but I sure do feel distant from my home country now since I have not been there in four years.

 Now everything I just said was made up. If you look at this picture which was taken two weeks ago this was my first time being near something called a pyramid. The part about my Aunt was not a lie tho she does live by the pyramids I just never visited. Every time I tell people I am from Egypt they just assume I visited the pyramids and they are shocked when I tell them I never been. To me, the pyramids were just the pyramids. People came from outside our country to see them but I always thought I had more time in my country to grow up and go see the pyramids with my friends but I did not as we moved. I feel like a fake Egyptian (or that's what people make me feel when they ask "How come you never visited the pyramids and you were born there"). I have to agree with them imagine being born in Paris and never visiting the Eiffel tower. But one day when I do go back visiting the pyramids is the first thing I am going to do.

(My dad was bored outside so he decided the build the pyramids for us with snow and forced me to take pictures <3)

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racism

If you asked me what racism is about 5 years ago I would not have been able to give you an answer because in Egypt we were never introduced to this topic and only lately have I found out it is a thing in Egypt but no one speaks about it. I began to understand what it was when I moved to the United States and my first encounter with racism was with someone towards my mom. At first, it did not register that this person just discriminated against my mom because she wears the hijab but when it did it made me furious. My mom understands English but she did not get that the person was being racist to her when they mentioned bombing something as they walked past us. After moving here, my friend group became so diverse, I hung out with everyone with all different backgrounds and races but we never really discussed the matter of racism till 2019. The matter only popped up when one of our high school teachers was being racist to a POC that we were friends with. Of course, we knew racism was a thing at this point but It was my first time hearing it happen to one of my close friends. I did not understand why skin color or what you wear to make people act or say differently? Racism is so confusing to me because the only reason you should treat someone differently would be due to their personality but I guess that's not how everyone thinks. Racism is never an easy topic to talk about but somehow with me and my friends, it was a flowing conversation. We all understood how each of us felt because at a certain point we were all discriminated against. whether it was for skin color or religion. These conversations were definitely helpful because we did not have to go through it alone, we had others who would listen to us and have a conversation with us while understanding our feelings. I wish this topic was more discussed in places such as Egypt, some Arabs are very racist towards POC as they feel superior to them which should not be the case as a lot of Arabs are Muslims and in Islam, we are taught that we are all equal.

Recently I and my family had conversations about racism. My parents and I wanted our siblings to be fully aware of it due to our religion and we wanted them to always respect others no matter their color or background. Racism scares me. I see a lot of Muslim women being treated so badly due to their hijab which in some way discourages me to wear it. Racism should be talked about all the time as it is an ongoing issue that has been around for so long but by ignoring it and saying "I don't see color" we are pushing the problem away rather than facing it. Recently the peaceful protests have definitely opened a lot of eyes and ears about racism but we still have a long way to go.

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5 favorite songs

https://youtu.be/I89mR1l0uUk

Song #1 Soad Hosny - El Donya Rabi3 / سعاد حسنى - الدنيا ربيع

This is a traditional song usually played every year for easter. Having growing up in Egypt as a muslim it is not really our thing to celebrate easter but since Egypt is full with different religions, easter became merely a cultural tradition than a religious one. We would gather up with family and color eggs, eat renga and feseekh (a kind of fish) and we would always go out to a park and play this song while being surrounded by others. Listening to this song reminds me of the days when I used to live in Egypt and reminds me of the rest of my family that still live in Egypt whom I miss dearly. Not to mention Soad Hosny is most definitely one of my favorite Egyptian singers and she was very beautiful.

Song #2 Khaled - C'est la vie (Clip officiel)

https://youtu.be/H7rhMqTQ4WI

This song is usually played in arab weddings, when the brides and husbands family enter the place all you could hear in the background is khaled's song. The first time I heard this song was at my oldest cousin's wedding. She was 25 while I was 10 and till this day I must say I heard this song about 20 more times in 20 different weddings I have attended ever since. Not sure if they play this at American weddings too but they should as it is such a hype song and playing it just makes me happier in general. Another connection I have with this song is it was the last song me and my best friends in Egypt played at my farewell party, dancing with them and making memories on my last night with them will always be a part of me and my memories.

Song #3 Spongebob theme song

https://youtu.be/He-LBIyBUz8

The spongebob theme song may be my favorite song. Me and my cousin who passed away 4 years ago used to blast this song every day during the summer but it was in arabic. Even if the spongebob show was not playing on the television we still went on youtube to play it at all times to the point where our parents had to separate us due to the amount of times we would play and sing this song. Listening to it now reminds me of our fun moments together and the memories we have created over the years.

Song #4 Alessia cara-scars to your beautiful

https://youtu.be/VFQk22J0P8Y

Listening to this song the first time ever I never really listened to the lyrics or paid attention to them but after searching up the lyrics it showed me how this song is so powerful. What makes it even more personal is that a close friend of mine related heavily to this song and they were in a dark place for a while so every time I heard this song I would instantly think of them and the progress they have made all over these years. How going from a dark place to finally loving the way you look made her feel powerful. I believe a lot of the young generation should listen to this song and understand that you don’t have to be skinny to be beautiful because beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.

Song #5 Tujh Mein Rab Dikhta Hai Song | Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi | Shah Rukh Khan, Anushka Sharma | Roop Kumar R

https://youtu.be/qoq8B8ThgEM

Another culture that I grew up on other than the Arabic one was the desi culture. Listening and watching bollywood movies/songs have been a part of my childhood and is still a part of my life to this day. Even though I don’t understand everything that is said in these songs (sometimes I read translations) , just discovering another culture is amazing. Their movies are colorful and very entertaining to watch and they are not that different from the egyptian movies I have watched which shows our cultures are somewhat similar. One of my favorite bollywood actors would be Shahruhkhan

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Who am I?

I used to love the idea of being an only child. Having my own space with no one bothering me. Being the favorite child with no one to compete with, but that all changed after I laid eyes on my second, third and fourth sibling. I am the first born in my family of six with three younger siblings. From the day they were born I always had the instinct of looking out for them, what hurt them hurt me, and what made them happy made me happy. This instinct only grew stronger over the years because my parents were rarely home when I used to live in Egypt due to their jobs (they were flight attendants). Leaving me in charge was a huge responsibility and I only wanted to make them proud and by doing that I had to make sure my siblings performed well so they could make our parents proud.  

The “role model” as my parents liked to call me or the “big sister” for my three siblings. These words were huge to me and still are. To my parents I was the my siblings guide the one they looked up too and by seeing how successful I am or would be they would feel motivated to follow into my footsteps. Here I was presented with far more opportunities than back home and had the opportunity to shine in more than one way which is what I wanted to show my siblings and guide them to being successful in many different ways. This feeling I had of being a role model to my siblings only grew after we as a family migrated to the United States. In a country where my parents barely understood English and relied on me for a very long time to translate them into this world. During this time my siblings became more and more dependent on me as my parents tried their best but could not assist them as much as I could.

“Giving more than I receive” is a sentence my best friend had mentioned to me years ago but it stuck with me for so long. Over the years, I realized that it was true . I have always looked after people and was always there for them even if I did not receive the same energies back. Whether it was helping my friends with school work or even smaller things such as reminding my muslim friends to pray and stay on their deen (which can go a long way for them in the future). It is a blessing and a curse for sure as people find me easy to talk to and would be comfortable coming to me to ask for advice or assistance but on the other hand, some may take advantage of that.

Over the years I have definitely been betrayed by friends and family who did take advantage of this “energy” or “trait” I possessed. At first I did not pay much attention to it but it became to the point where they truly believed their needs and work were more important than mine. This became an issue and at a certain point I had to stop it because I was being drained mentally and physically. But it took me very long to be able to build up the courage to talk to them and explain how they are treating me. Some friendships backfired and we are no longer on speaking terms but some genuinely did not know they were taking advantage of my kindness.

Who am I, is such a broad question. The boring answer would be I am an Egyptian girl with curly hair who goes to Rutgers University, but to my parents I am an anchor to this house and to my siblings I am their guide in this world. To myself, I believe I am a kind hearted person who is trying their best to achieve their dreams. Maybe if I had stayed in Egypt I would not have had a story to myself? I would have been an ordinary Egyptian girl with three siblings who lived in Cairo. But being an immigrant in a country that I was not familiar with changed my life story.