sanjuwrites - Tumblr blog

[sanjuwrites]

“you wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum which they raised me” and it’s just me battling my demons every time someone ik is passive aggressive with me

[sanjuwrites]

so i wrote a six and a half page essay on queerbaiting and bury your gays if anyone is at all interested - this shit is my magnum opus

[sanjuwrites]

thank you for the tags @carlos-in-glasses @heartstringsduet @nancygillianmvp @bonheur-cafe and @sznofthesticks! You're queued :)

-

TK strips methodically once the door is closed behind him and turns the water on. He stares at himself in the mirror and feels as if he’s looking at an ancient portrait of a distant relative instead – there’s some resemblance in the likeness that stares back at him with slightly parted lips and drooping features but there’s a haunted, hollow look behind his eyes and it doesn’t look like the reflection he used to recognize. He looks old and tired, dull like a flickering lightbulb on its last legs, worn out and flat like an overused tire with no treads left to speak of.

It isn’t the first time he’s seen such an empty look on his own face, it’s just the first time in a very long while. TK’s put so many things behind him, anchored them firmly in his past and slammed a door of steel and iron behind them so they can’t follow them into his new life. The only person here who knows the extent of his failures is his dad, and Owen rarely mentions it anymore. TK gave Carlos the middle school book report version but not more than that, and Carlos has never asked for further explanation. TK feels like a gate has been lifted and the ghosts that haunt his past are suddenly swirling around him, and maybe, he thinks as he balls his hands into fists and tries to shatter the mirror with his mind so he doesn’t have to face himself anymore, the gate was made of her.

Tk turns away from it. He steps into the shower, lathering soap into a dark blue bath puff until it’s bubbly and trying to scrub the spiders off his skin. They used to be such a familiar presence. Almost comforting, because they were predictable. It took TK so long and so much work to get rid of them.

Twice, he managed it. Twice he managed to pick himself up and bleed the poison from his system and rebuild. After he lost Carlos, TK’d spent a week terrified that they might come back and he might not be strong enough to resist them, or scrub himself clean a third time afterward. They never did and he was proud of that, even as he drowned in the soul-deep sorrow of lost love. But this is worse than that. Carlos was gone, but he wasn’t gone. The possibility of reconciliation was always floating in the distance, and TK could have reached for it sooner if his pride hadn’t set up so many roadblocks. This isn’t the same. He could reach for his mom but he would be reaching into a void that he won’t be given permission to enter. She didn’t come with him to California but she could have. She didn’t follow them permanently to Texas but she could have. TK can’t follow her wherever she’s gone to this time.

It strikes him as he roughly kneads shampoo into his hair that he’s already forgotten what her laughter sounds like. He can’t conjure the sound of it in his imagination, as much as he tries. He bites the inside of his cheek until he tastes blood and then spits it down the drain, watching as the water pooling around his feet is pink for a few seconds before it runs clear.

Tags under the cut

Tagging @theghostofashton @birdclowns @reyesstrand @strandnreyes @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut

@actual-sleeping-beauty @thisbuildinghasfeelings @herefortarlos @tailoredshirt @goodways

@alrightbuckaroo @lightningboltreader @freneticfloetry @mooshkat @liminalmemories21

@chaotictarlos @lemonlyman-dotcom @whatsintheboxmh @inkweedandlizards @reasonandfaithinharmony

@never-blooms @sanjuwrites @orchidscript @im-overstimulated-and-im-sad

@jesuisici33 @kiwichaeng @fallout-mars @honeybee-taskforce @vineofroses

@fitzherbertssmolder @safeashousespdf @eclectic-sassycoweyes @laelipoo

[sanjuwrites]

Good morning! Thank you @carlos-in-glasses @heartstringsduet

@nancygillianmvp and @sznofthesticks for tagging me 💜

I am at work early so we are posting this early. A bit more from the Actors!au. All scenes where TK and Carlos aren't referenced directly are what is playing out in the show they are on.

For reference: Asher -> TK | Phoenix -> Carlos

Asher holds on to the fabric of Phoenix's sleeves with so much force like he's afraid to let go. Come back to me my love, promise me.

Phoenix’s breath catches in his throat as hears the fissues growing in his heart like broken ice reflected in Asher's wavering voice. Unable to be this far from him any longer, he sets his bow down and closes the distance between them with one stride. He places one hand on his cheek, thumb brushing the tears that have dripped down to his chin reverently like they're made of diamonds. He pulls the hood covering half of his face with the other, leaning forward so he can see all of him.

His Asher; the love of his life.

He takes in all of him; his long brown hair in waves like the bark of the old yew trees tied back into a ponytail, his green eyes strong and eternal like the leaves despite the devastation and fear reflected back at him. Staring into his berry red lips, he leans forward to meet him in a kiss.

He can taste salt on his tongue as he presses a hand up against Asher's waist, a small whine escaping his lips as he buries his hand into his hair to feel the strands between his fingers. The kiss goes deeper, more desperate, backlit by the glow of the dying embers in their fireplace, despite it never heating up into something more. They have no time for that when there is a dark cloud looming over the horizon.

As Phoenix pushes their bodies together, desperate fingers pressing into every part of Asher he can touch, he tries his hardest to make all of this feel like an I will see you soon rather than a goodbye.

Promise me, Asher pleads once they part with a gasp like they're coming up for air. His voice wavers as he looks up into Phoenix’s eyes, foreheads still pressed together.

What Phoenix should have said was I will do everything I can to come home to you. But instead, like a fool, he closes his eyes and says,

I promise.

Open tag! And tags under the cut 💜

Tagging: @chicgeekgirl89 @alrightbuckaroo @paperstorm

@strandnreyes @orchidscript @liminalmemories21

@vineofroses @literateowl @sanjuwrites

@lemonlyman-dotcom @welcometololaland @theghostofashton

@ladytessa74 @thisbuildinghasfeelings @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut

@fallout-mars @carlos-tk @lightningboltreader

@noxsoulmate @sugdenlovesdingle And @herefortarlos

[sanjuwrites]

thanks for the tags @carlos-in-glasses @heartstringsduet @nancygillianmvp @terramous you’re all queued 🧡

He slowly stood up from the flimsy plastic chair and left the room. He took the five flights of stairs to avoid the crowds of people leaving the meeting, when in actuality there were only about six of them. He couldn't face them, even if they were strangers. He walked out to his car and slumped into the driver’s seat and let out a guttural sob.

Everywhere he went, he saw his dad. He saw him at the grocery store. He saw him at the dinner table when he visited his mother. He saw him on the street. He saw him at the farmer’s market. He even saw his blood in the entryway of their house, even though that had to be impossible right? They replaced the floorboards. He was losing it, he thought to himself as the burning tears ran down his cheeks.

He looked down at his hands, which were turning stark white from gripping the steering wheel with immense force, stopping at the reflection of light on his ring. TK. That’s why he’s doing this, and he’s all he wants right now. He should have let him come. He hated being alone right now.

He started the car and made the drive home that felt agonizingly long.

no pressure tagging: @im-overstimulated-and-im-sad @reyesstrand @literateowl @chicgeekgirl89 @alidravana

@lemonlyman-dotcom @kiwichaeng @strandnreyes @safeaswrites @zitasempri

@honeybee-taskforce @bonheur-cafe @welcometololaland @alrightbuckaroo @whatsintheboxmh

@herefortarlos @my-little-tilly @fallout-mars @carlos-tk @jeysbvck

@sugdenlovesdingle

@firstprince-history-huh @your-catfish-friend @vineofroses @mikibwrites @paperstorm

@lightningboltreader @ladytessa74 @sanjuwrites @thisbuildinghasfeelings and open tag :)

[sanjuwrites]

Happy Wednesday. 💞 Thanks for tagging me last Sunday and yesterday. My brain is still trying to compure anything in general but I'm excited to read them and your snippets if you want to share today. I hope you're all ready for some spice of the next First Aid chapter. thanks for tagging me @carlos-in-glasses

“Don’t you mean ‘make love to you’?” Carlos teases and means all the same. From the last hour together, he had imagined taking their time in the warmth of TK’s bed, continuing with sweetness clogging both of their throats.

“No, I meant fuck me,” TK says under a breath. His eyes go wide like he surprises himself with how demanding he sounded. “But we don’t have to. Whatever you-”

Carlos surges forward then to stop TK before he can propose to go along with anything but what he actually wants. 

“Fuck you where? Right here?” He asks against the shell of TK’s ear. “Do you want me to drive you against the kitchen island? Make you come on the countertop?” His hand slides into the wide leg of TK’s shorts and roughly massages the soft skin of his thighs. TK's breathing picks up. “Tell me exactly what you want me to do to you.”

Pupils wides, TK stares at him with unmatched hunger. He releases his cherry bitten lips and closes them. There is something on the tip of his tongue that he doesn’t seem able to form into words.

“I want to hear anything you fantasize about,” Carlos encourages again, then licks up the tendon of his neck.

TK shivers. “I want you… to rip off my clothes and suck me.”

“Here?”

“Right here. Nice and slow.”

Caros’ cock pulses. His hips move of their own volition, driving his his filling cock into the cabinets to get friction, even at the cost of pain. “What else?” 

TK hesitates then says, “Drive your long fingers into me.” He fists Carlos’ shirt. “One by one, until I’m full of you.”

“And?”

“And make me take them until I beg you to fuck me into the counter.”

It’s not how Carlos thought today would go, not like he longs for gentleness himself right now but he still finds his blood boiling at knowing TK trusts him enough to ask for what he really wants.

Instead it's reminiscent of the first few times they hooked up, back when they barely knew each other and filth came at no detriment. Carlos grabs TK’s healthy foot dangling down beside his body and brings it between his own legs. TK immediately understands, raising his leg so the shin rests against Carlos’ bulge. Carlos gives a tentative buck, in a way that makes him see stars. TK moans too, attuned to him.

Open Tag <3

@welcometololaland @rmd-writes @carlos-tk @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut

@birdclowns @whatsintheboxmh @lightningboltreader @alrightbuckaroo

@lemonlyman-dotcom @ladytessa74 @strandnreyes @reyesstrand

@paperstorm @orchidscript @freneticfloetry @im-overstimulated-and-im-sad

@sznofthesticks @goodways @decafdino @eclectic-sassycoweyes

@liminalmemories21 @sanjuwrites @bonheur-cafe @thisbuildinghasfeelings

@honeybee-taskforce @louis-ii-reyes-strand @kiwichaeng @safeaswrites

@never-blooms @theghostofashton

[sanjuwrites]

Starting us off bright and early and wishing everyone a great day! ❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜🩷

Although we do have the sad banner today lads.

From chapter 4 of I Was Thinking About Your Mouth, coming Sunday:

“I think I’m going to skip dinner tonight. I’m not really hungry.” He sounds nasal and faraway and Carlos is standing here, looking at him seriously, but all he wants to do is hold him tight and let him cry into his chest.

“You always say that and then you end up eating at 2 am.”

TK winces with irritation but still politely responds, “I just feel like being alone tonight if that’s okay.” Doesn’t really have the energy to argue.

“No,” Carlos tells him, “It’s not okay. Get up. I mean it.” Risky, using this tone. Sometimes TK is highly amenable to being bossed around. Sometimes Carlos pitches it all wrong.

But TK does get up – softly sulky as he humors Carlos and heaves himself off the bed. He follows Carlos with obvious reluctance, although Carlos is confident he’d have been coaxed anyway by the scent of heating tomato and mozzarella, like always. He knows details about TK that nobody else could ever know because they’d never care enough, except for Owen and Gwyn as his parents. Now one of the people who knows the most about TK is gone forever, and it occurs to Carlos then about the loneliness of it. Every time someone who loves you falls out of the world, they take a part of you with them. They take the facts and the secrets they’ve been privy to, the little details and quirks that they found relevant and charming for reasons of their own. When Carlos told TK he wants all of his pieces, he meant it more than even he realized at the time. He wants not just the addiction and recovery-related aspects of TK’s experiences and emotions – he wants everything that Gwyn took with her when she went. “Send it all back to me and I’ll do it for you,” Carlos prays to her silently, “Send all your love for TK back to me.” 

Open tag and tags below

@nancygillianmvp @safeaswrites @literateowl

@kiwichaeng @fallout-mars @sznofthesticks

@eclectic-sassycoweyes @im-overstimulated-and-im-sad

@carlos-tk @whatsintheboxmh @vineofroses

@three-drink-amy @orchidscript @mikibwrites

@herefortarlos @fitzherbertssmolder

@sugdenlovesdingle @honeybee-taskforce @theghostofashton @freneticfloetry

@lemonlyman-dotcom @chicgeekgirl89 @sanjuwrites @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut

@alrightbuckaroo @liminalmemories21 @heartstringsduet @never-blooms

@ladytessa74 @welcometololaland @rmd-writes @lightningboltreader

@goodways @reyesstrand @paperstorm @bonheur-cafe

@strandnreyes @chaotictarlos @thisbuildinghasfeelings

If you want to share! No pressure ever! ❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜🩷

[sanjuwrites]

WIP Wednesday

tagged by @bonheur-cafe, @paperstorm, @three-drink-amy, @im-overstimulated-and-im-sad, @whatsintheboxmh

@freneticfloetry, @thisbuildinghasfeelings, @actual-sleeping-beauty, @ladytessa74, @iboatedhere

@strandnreyes and @sanjuwrites

Thank you!

Thought I was on my last edit of Knave 4, discovered this is not true. There are some pacing issues, but at least I think all makes sense now, so progress.

Continuing today's theme of teasing.

He washes his hands, and then opens a bottle of wine and pulls out some crackers and cheese while he waits for Matt to come up, listening as TK changes and then water running as he cleans himself up.  He's tempted to go back in, slide the vibrator into where TK's loose and slick, turn it on to the lowest setting just to see TK shift and squirm, but that won't do anything to help make himself look presentable by the time Matt gets there.  And TK’s probably right, if Matt's stopping by on a Friday night he's probably got something that's going to require his actual attention, so he resists the urge.

no idea who hasn't been tagged, so open tag.

[sanjuwrites]

Thanks to @carlos-in-glasses, @sznofthesticks, @bonheur-cafe, @im-overstimulated-and-im-sad,

@whatsintheboxmh, @lemonlyman-dotcom, @thisbuildinghasfeelings,

@cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut, @ladytessa74, and @sanjuwrites for the tags!

To tide you over until tomorrow:

“Fine!” T.K. says. “Yes. It is the guy from the other night. His name is Carlos and he’s APD. Happy?” “Carlos what?” Marjan asks. T.K. stares at her. “What do you mean Carlos what?” “What’s his last name?” she says. When he doesn’t answer she sets down her spoon. “You do know his last name, right?” “I—“  “Are you sure he’s real?” Mateo asks, adding more cheese to his chili. “Could be a catfish situation.” “Catfish?” Owen asks, looking confused. “You think T.K. is talking to a fish that lives in muddy water?” Judd shakes his head. “I’ll explain it later Cap.” “I am not being catfished,” T.K. says. “He’s a real guy. A nice guy,” he adds. “Ooooh you’re smitten,” Paul says with a grin. “I am not smitten!” T.K. cries.

Open tag because it's late!

[sanjuwrites]

Nicholas Galitzine on Jimmy Kimmel Live (4/24/24)

[sanjuwrites]

Live To Tell

In 2019, TK Strand is struggling. Reeling from his most recent relapse, an encounter with an eerie stranger alters the course of his life forever. He spends a harrowing eighteen hours as a missing person, and what happens that night creates a domino effect that follows him years into the future.

In 2023, as TK settles into a beautiful life — sober and healthy — with his soulmate, Carlos Reyes, the monster from his past comes back out of nowhere.

And this time, he’s coming for both of them…

Chapter One

Chapter Two (Coming Soon)...

Heed the tags

💛

[sanjuwrites]

wip wednesday

thank you to @carlos-in-glasses @bonheur-cafe @paperstorm @heartstringsduet @im-overstimulated-and-im-sad

@whatsintheboxmh @lemonlyman-dotcom @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut @strandnreyes for the tags <3

The track is exactly where Google Maps says it’ll be, just about ten minutes away from the gym. TK parks his rental car in the empty parking lot and reaches for his water bottle. He’s antsy, in a way he thought he was safe from for a bit longer. His skin itches as if to prove his point, the thought of driving back home and parking himself on the couch feeling laughably insufficient for what he needs right now. He’d waited for Carlos to get into the shower before leaving the locker room, still not quite sure what he’d said. It feels like every word that’s left has mouth has been the wrong one, has rubbed at Carlos in a way he definitely didn’t mean. TK doubts he’s going to get anything from him on exactly what he said wrong. He wonders if it’s nothing at all, if Carlos is just like this now, teenage sweetness and unbridled excitement calcified into a wall between him and the rest of the world. TK takes a breath and kills the engine when he’s parked in what seems to be the lot of a high school. The tracks usually stay open, which he was kind of counting on when he had the idea to drive here. Practice ended over an hour ago, but he doesn’t feel finished. His body craves something else, still has some left over energy he doesn’t know what else to do with. He lets himself in through the gate and stares at the dimly-lit track. A month ago, his life looked completely different. Busy city streets and a coach he couldn’t find any more ways to please. Going to the gym every day convinced only that he’d be leaving that evening learning some new way he could be pushed beyond his limit. Anything’s better than that. He lets it be the only thought left in his head when he steps into the furthest lane from center and takes off.

leaving an open tag for anyone that wants to share!

[sanjuwrites]

TUMBLR FIX YOUR FUCKING TAGS IM IN YOUR WALLS

kay thanks for listening :)

[sanjuwrites]

the tags on half of these aren't working i'm trying again:

@cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut, @liminalmemories21, @alrightbuckaroo, @fallout-mars, @honeybee-taskforce,

@chaotictarlos, @reyesstrand

wip wednesday

(im so sorry i had to repost this 😭😭)

thanks to @carlos-in-glasses, @heartstringsduet, @sznofthesticks, @bonheur-cafe, @paperstorm, and @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut

agent reyes the man that you are 🫶

The moment they breach the warehouse, Carlos realizes they’re woefully underprepared, with backup nowhere in sight. Cunningham’s men are on them almost immediately, and Carlos is pulling his gun from his holster before he even processes it.

He sticks to the corner, climbing up a fire escape ladder and picking off agents from the back with the rifle strapped to his back. He tries to aim for a knee or a shoulder, trying to keep the carnage to a minimum. 

It isn’t long before these assholes realize who is shooting out people, and there’s a group of agents heading straight for Carlos, seemingly ready to pull Carlos off the ladder and put him down. Carlos shoots as many people as he can before he ditches the rifle, scaling down the ladder. 

Carlos drops to the floor, kicking his leg out, taking the man down in front of him, sending the other man’s gun scattering. He heaves as he stands up, clutching his side as he holds the agent down by the heel of his foot on his shoulder. “Are you going to stay down, or do I need to knock you out?”

The guy rests his head back on the floor, closing his eyes. Well, that answers that, Carlos thinks. 

He swoops down and picks up the asshole’s gun, wincing as it pulls at his ribs. He rolls his shoulders back and clicks the safety on, holstering it before taking stock around the room. 

Paul’s posted on the top edge, sniping people as quick as he can, and Grace is posted safely behind him, holding a gun of her own. Nancy and Marjan are fighting people back to back, and Carlos can see that the number of people they’re fighting are dwindling, due to Paul and his efforts. Carlos lets his guard down a little, pulling a smaller service weapon and clicking the saftey off.

no pressure tags below!

@theghostofashton, @birdclowns, @chicgeekgirl89, @strandnreyes, @lightningboltreader, @liminalmemories21, @alrightbuckaroo, @fallout-mars, @honeybee-taskforce, and @reyesstrand

[sanjuwrites]

tell me in the tags what ttpd lyric is in your head RIGHT NOW

[sanjuwrites]

wip wednesday

(im so sorry i had to repost this 😭😭)

thanks to @carlos-in-glasses, @heartstringsduet, @sznofthesticks, @bonheur-cafe, @paperstorm, and @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut

agent reyes the man that you are 🫶

The moment they breach the warehouse, Carlos realizes they’re woefully underprepared, with backup nowhere in sight. Cunningham’s men are on them almost immediately, and Carlos is pulling his gun from his holster before he even processes it.

He sticks to the corner, climbing up a fire escape ladder and picking off agents from the back with the rifle strapped to his back. He tries to aim for a knee or a shoulder, trying to keep the carnage to a minimum. 

It isn’t long before these assholes realize who is shooting out people, and there’s a group of agents heading straight for Carlos, seemingly ready to pull Carlos off the ladder and put him down. Carlos shoots as many people as he can before he ditches the rifle, scaling down the ladder. 

Carlos drops to the floor, kicking his leg out, taking the man down in front of him, sending the other man’s gun scattering. He heaves as he stands up, clutching his side as he holds the agent down by the heel of his foot on his shoulder. “Are you going to stay down, or do I need to knock you out?”

The guy rests his head back on the floor, closing his eyes. Well, that answers that, Carlos thinks. 

He swoops down and picks up the asshole’s gun, wincing as it pulls at his ribs. He rolls his shoulders back and clicks the safety on, holstering it before taking stock around the room. 

Paul’s posted on the top edge, sniping people as quick as he can, and Grace is posted safely behind him, holding a gun of her own. Nancy and Marjan are fighting people back to back, and Carlos can see that the number of people they’re fighting are dwindling, due to Paul and his efforts. Carlos lets his guard down a little, pulling a smaller service weapon and clicking the saftey off.

no pressure tags below!

@theghostofashton, @birdclowns, @chicgeekgirl89, @strandnreyes, @lightningboltreader, @liminalmemories21, @alrightbuckaroo, @fallout-mars, @honeybee-taskforce, @chaotictarlos and @reyesstrand

[sanjuwrites]

HAPPY LESBIAN VISIBILITY WEEK, LESBIANS!