sarahqueerest

[sarahqueerest]

FOUND POWER

the other day got turned on by a silver horse emblem on the side of a sport utility vehicle

the buckskin bronco sitting in my parents' garage hit in the chest by the vision of a gravel road a beast that speeds at your touch a small soft space to sing nebraska i miss you in the summertime pluck me from this dry peninsula and put me in the center of eternity, a crossroads that goes straight in all directions the apricot sky above each vanishing point flanked with golden cornstalks thrumming like the legs of a giant millipede why not every day a gem and i white knuckle into adventures i’m not sure of study each half of my face weighing who is the real one, saint or monster monster or salient the body keeps saying if you want to build a house you have to start by building a house i walk around picking up sharp rocks and forgetting why i'm holding them the cinema reel in my head zooms at double speed everyone abuzz buzzing i watch and let the world splash

across the great dry sponge of me the present offers no perspective my lantern only lighting a few steps out ahead

all we can expect is to keep moving

[sarahqueerest]

HOSPICE NURSE TO THE UNIVERSE 29.5.2019

i suck in a fruity bubble of barcelona sea air in my dream i bit her hard on the neck but when i woke up she had three eyes so i knew it was ok to trust her stop skulking at the edge of the party little coyote. yo when people accuse me of not being my genuine self i think, if only i ever really did let her out ha ha ha ha

i was born feral

kindness is an evolution feel my heartbeat rock the hammock want to explain to this bitch that i’m not even who i was one year ago but there’s no point where it just switches and yr new; just a slow color bleed while you scream and learn nothing, i learn not to react to your screaming

focus my labor on turning down panic dials my weekly emotional crisis has made me strong and adaptable for our horrifying AI future zen babboon, zen babboon put your tiny teeth away i can’t even begin to tell you what won’t matter in the morning walking away from the beach, “don’t bring me down” starts blasting from a shitty speaker at the base of a sandcastle i wander off hungry for soft strong comfort and a bloody mary want to go out into the city alone and feel something new.

[sarahqueerest]

WHATEVER TIPS YR SCALES ?.2019

he sends me a photo of the magnolia blooms i used to see out my bedroom window

if i reached into the night sky and changed my astrological sign would that make me less of a lazy bitch?

he sends me a photo of him at the party and his arm’s around the belly of an early 20s girl dressed like a slutty school girl sucking on a heart-shaped lollipop that says, carpe diem

a wine-colored goblin sits on the brain all night

outside they’re tearing up the streets dumping watermelon-sized chunks of concrete into bins just meters from the pedestrians’ heads

how much time would you buy if you knew what currency could be traded for it?

he sends me a photo of an abstract painting of a nude photo of me that he took without me liking it

in the movies, he’s a madman stomping and sweating dangling treats and celebrations that he’ll ruin with rage and always she wails when he leaves and holds his head in her lap when he returns types his manuscript tidies up

watching these scenes the monster inside me always thinks, where is the person who will support the monster who is always inside me?

i cherry pick reality so i’m always the victim

i choke down my violence lately but keep dropping glass on the kitchen floor at least once a day ceramic bowl, red peppers, peanut butter jar going off like bombs

glass shards in my feet i limp and it torques my knee which hurts my hip and it’s always like that with the body holding on to something tiny somewhere deep that resurfaces sideways down the line

for years my jaw has been grinding away but the spanish made me a shiny silver tooth and the days keep getting lighter

[sarahqueerest]

VETERAN 3.4.19

start somewhere all kinds of things are unsustainable. the sea sucks out before the tsunami leaving fish stranded on land would you scoop up those fish into your skirt? would you rake piles of clams under the growing shadow? a poem starts somewhere sliding laterally for an entry point kind of like thumbing through a book you hit the right spot and it gives my favorite young adult fantasy series had a knife that could cut between worlds but wait i don’t want to go anywhere too big today come inside, sit down don’t forget to breathe let’s stay somewhere small a moment, today in the park a guy asked if our dogs could play he had a neck tattoo with a design like pacific northwest native american and a straight red vertical line of a scar down the center of his nose and he smelled like booze and when he shook my hand he bent down to kiss it and i said, don’t do that the spring trees shed their seed pods that snow into the street in golden waves the dog snaps at them in the air across the concrete they sound like a rain stick i roll my black bicycle out she moves like a filly like we’re excited for each other go cruising and what is an animal but a machine i reach into my mess of wires and snip a few just to take the edge off the emotional wars the flock of sheep moves down the hillside the shepherd guiding them with two low whistles the occasional shout their sea of bells ringing dully like a woolen windchime i was good at soccer when i was young because i was fast and strong and mean two braids tight against my head like a ram’s horns i feel like her again whenever i’m on the metro because fuck standing still fuck on the couch she wakes me up singing in her sleep

[sarahqueerest]

POET AS A FILTER FOR ???

we walk to this place in the foothills of el escorial where the king used to sit and look at everything we are six gentle people moving with determination up a hill and i look to a tree to my left it’s about the size of my thigh and i think, it’s the same age as me probably and for a moment we switch minds the tree and i, and it loosens some valve inside of me but then i think about the floods in nebraska and the valve, the inner sphincter, tightens up someone says, hey, i think the natural world is dying and strangers on the internet say, don’t make it political all the restaurants in nebraska are using paper cups and plates to save the washing water i plow through my tasks makeup artists moan and gush tapping fingertips across the woman’s cheek her chin her brow bone a ripped english dude leads me through a 20-minute h.i.i.t. e.d.m. ride encourages me to reach my personal best today a dentist presents a study on post-root canal pain Pain statistics. Approximately 40% of Adult Americans (100 million) live in chronic pain. Source: Institute of Medicine. whether you feel pain depends on who you are how you think outside my window in the garden i can’t enter the black tomcat has a wound on his neck sprouting fat white maggots i use my zoom lens to check on him toss pieces of smoked salmon we make long, significant eye contact i struggle to eat, then later eat a meal for four standing dead-eyed in the kitchen i smoke til i’m dizzy then smoke again i don’t know but the early spring feels like we’re back to fifth gear so soon no time to digest and document can’t waste one sunny day every weekend i’m surrounded by approximately 20 friends and having the time of my life this spring tho i feel like something washed up on the shore that can’t quite speak yet or she’s wearing an old skin that’s too tight but expat life will get ya taught me to be ready to turn inside-out at the drop of a hat nebraska folk are seasonal folk reading change across great plains of time but it’s true my realities come rolling in like waves that change slightly and innumerably every time they hit the r0cks and at times i become someone quiet kind of stooping like a tree drinking the whiskey faster and faster

[sarahqueerest]

WINGED ADULTS LIVE FOR 24 HOURS 6.3.19

twenty minutes from madrid by car there is a cathedral that a man has been building with his own hands for almost 60 years la catedral de justo has skeletal domes and towers of honeycomb red bricks the primary colored stained glass windows reflect in the puddles of rain on the floor next to the jeep, which is next to the altar the other girl and i are enchanted and so is the guy we’re with at first but he soon gets a dark and disturbed look that i choose to recognize as his taking the crumbling massive tacky church as a metaphor for his own attempt to build a life; new business ideas come tumbling out but then seem to chase him like predators walking down the street the other morning, i briefly encouraged myself to be better at business but the thought of depreciation in any form is too depressing my friend from back home sends me a picture of her new breasts they’re a lot like her old breasts except swollen, with two little drainage bags in an embroidered belt below and they are now much less likely to kill her i think about untagging a photo of myself on fbook where i’m holding a “cigarette” so my family doesn’t see it but then i don’t because i think i look pretty good in the picture up in the mountains the caterpillars go march in a pulsing line their spines bristling with venom trotting down the path of dust sparkling with mica you feel like your feet might lift off and you laugh at how some huge force keeps ushering you back down i fall in love as a delicate opening to a fyre hydrant but have you ever hurt someone by existing in their mind as something that might hurt them? it’s a helpless feeling like nursing something small and sick that can’t talk in an effort to achieve harmony i stand perfectly still and liquefy in my dreams i growl at a man in bed next to me like an animal for wanting to have fun without me i wake up saying out loud, why did you plan this? the early blossoms get lashed from the trees by the rain i dream i have to thread a needle with blue string

[sarahqueerest]

SOMEWHERE YOU WILL FIND A REASON YOU DESERVE IT 27.2.19

walking the dog in alto de extremadura i saw an unattended baby carriage on the sidewalk in front of me it started to roll away quickly a romani woman ran outside and caught it, turned and shouted to the chinese shop owner, lo sentimos her young son followed her holding a plastic machine gun mira, he said, mira, mira i looked, he pointed the gun at my dog and made an explosion noise this february spring is making me suspicious all over a pink blush when my native bones are braced for cold i told her a woman’s never really taken care of me since my mother i guess can’t tell if i’m just depressed after dental surgery or nervous because she said the word scotland again the coffee cup in her hands says, que vienen curvas i keep thinking like learning how long before these tools are deft in my hands? i study her like an instrument we take to bursting into the same obscure songs in the same exact moment in the same exact key the bumble bee grazes our cheeks on his way to the jade blossoms

[sarahqueerest]

PUNTO DE CARAMELO

i always wait too late to shower so everyone who hugs me just says, you’re wet under the hot water my hair smells like woodsmoke i’m unsure whether to keep dancing or hunker down and sober up

unlock more secret bonus identities or master the fiddle on the table

last week i learned exactly how long my fingernails grow in one week and hey i can’t have you sad across town without me lips in the morning like dried rose petals

in the parque there are two burned-out motorcycle skeletons encircled with shrugging police tape they’re trimming the leafless trees and i keep glaring, thinking, too much but i guess they know what they’re doing one sacrificed branch grows into five more this action is in fact the meaning of my last name i guess tree people hard and soft and whispering underground pulsing with sweet syrup

[sarahqueerest]

ROSE OF JERICHO 16.1.2019

sick of playing dumb take your version of the curse and purge it stop speaking and see what they say next mallorca left me with the urge to burn things, save scraps of paper in my pockets off the cliffs near deia the sea looks like a massive blue gray wall that terminates around eye height dissolving imperceptibly into the sky twinkly lights strung downtown say BONES FESTES on the last day of the year i’ll be whipping around the mountain roads in a volkswagen suv listening to the spanish radio play version after version of it’s all over now, baby blue i look 2019 in the face and shrug, smiling i become the villain of several storylines weigh down my pockets with lemons from the tree run out into the town square to kiss the friends i’ve met by chance and fortune moan when the driver squeezes my thigh everyone’s posting pics of themselves from 10 years ago i’m feeling all of me warm up slowly and painfully like numb frozen fingers over a fire don’t know how to get off anymore except think of the way the ocean rushes over and over and over itself swelling with power beneath would it be weird to tell you i want to see you cry because i want to see all of you would it be weird to tell you that i’ve recently confirmed that the thoughts inside me are so ugly that they would burn the scenery like acid? for three euros and thirty cents i buy a small plastic bag containing a dried-up fist of leaves give her water and whisper her wishes after midnight, wait for the green unfurling

[sarahqueerest]

WINO FOREVER 28.11.2018

after the reading we’re eating pizza at yiayia’s my face red and glowing from the cold outside and too many pulls on the bourbon bottle andira is flirting, calls me a little thief how did you know? the light shines on her ethereal cheekbones, she says, you just have that look about you who should i fall in love with next? i hear manu’s voice saying, no soy ladron, soy rata i only take little pieces that no one will notice across the festive table even from under my heavy red lids i see the energiez zipping between the partygoers as easy as if they were arcs of electric light put your hand on what you want and make it yours but first you have to know that it’s yours they say if you can lucid dream you can dream yourself doing anything i conjure up genderless beauties to kiss but they stand unresponsive and doll-like. the fabric of the air is colorless, seems to vibrate deeply like the air of an airport, always full of some distant rumble babies crying in every language i consider my possibilities i will never be an engineer if there’s meat and wine on the table i will keep putting it in my mouth why am i still on this date we have been drinking for hours they are getting annoyed with my personality flaws making fun of my admitted trouble with eye contact hitting on other girls at the bar no, i’m not gonna cry about it outside the francine cessa said i looked older three years ago i was here kissing the tears off your face in the red taillights of the car now here we are i’ll kiss you now again in the moonlight, snow groaning beneath us watch you walk away without looking back my time oozes in all directions and i sit still at the center waiting for another heist to present itself, one last perfect score

[sarahqueerest]

CUANDO VUELVA 7.11.2018

freedom’s just another word for nothing the dog has grown old lumpy with tumors it’s second wind time i’ve come back as an angel to snatch up loose change catalogue the products the kids are asleep so we stay up late drinking wine and going over the oral history of mental illness in the family i grow weary of my new verbal superpowers don’t even need winding up before i expand on a tangent but there are still things i struggle to explain— it’s like waking up from a dream to see rust has eaten your bicycle and on every street there’s dark new architecture your friend’s laugh is the same but all of the voices at target sound queerly like your mother soon all you can trust are the trees showing you how to pull back your chlorophyl i get excited when i see something is jalapeno flavored until i realize everything in the store is jalapeno flavored the drugs have lost their thrill and i take to just walking out without paying it is shockingly easy i say, i feel like a bad person but sometimes i wish he’d just die she says, i think about it every day she had a sweet smile beaten out of her a black halo remains glowing golden orange attracting travelers for miles

[sarahqueerest]

NAME YR STAKES  25.0ct.2018

in the year 2018, it is possible to spend hours watching anonymous hands play with slime on the internet poking, stretching folding, squeezing glittery slime, cloud-like slime, slime of every color, slime with beads and gems and googly eyes, slime that looks and smells exactly like caramel there is a vocabulary related to slime a slime can be poppy, or clicky, or crunchy this one’s super stretchy! another, unbearably thick and glossy commenters moan in emojis how bad they want the slime the anonymous fingers dig in it’s 5am and   i’m watching slime in one hour the upstairs neighbors will get home in six hours i’ll miss yoga in seven hours i’ll agree to go on a psychedelic adventure in 120 hours i’ll be across the ocean in 72 hours i’ll be writing this poem sza sings, “you’ll never love me" x3 outside this color is kind of flirting with me a terra cotta building a dog chasing a rabbit a steaming sweet potato a sweater a leather hat it’s giving me this kind of pure joy without urgency like, we’ve come a long way from the night we drank morphine and dripped black wax on our wrists the secret is: people stop disappointing you when you stop letting them i’m not exactly sad anymore but the music opens up orphaned emotions within me i vary between dancing and weeping i’ve seen the wheel and i know she’s turning turning and i am totally here for it the dog chases a rabbit

it makes a wrong move

and runs directly toward me

for an instant, i am both of them

the dog chasing; the rabbit running

i speak honestly but not transparently i massage a giant sunflower made of skin deftly flick the white membrane from the cavern of a red pepper i lean over, because i want you to know that last night i saw you being born your mother gave one huge push it seemed like it would break her but out you came bigger than i imagined, potato-like then your mother left and there was no one so i picked you up and saw that you weren’t breathing, stuck my finger in your mouth until you whimpered

sucked in the air

told you that i hope you know you’ll

never have to be alone

[sarahqueerest]

HOW WOULD YOU RATE THE QUALITY OF THIS CALL 16.Oct.2018

is this an attempt to communicate or an attempt to preserve— guard something away underground to savor for later my grandmothers pickled i press emotions into word shapes burden the reader with unpacking does your face still taste like me? i wander through the park on a sunny afternoon chanting, tus caricias me dan cicatrices tus caricias me dan cicatrices i’ve explained how i’m born anew every week and yr either on my ship or a distant satellite but they never really understand lately i keep referring to The Fantasy

and i wanna kn kn kn know

wh what's yr fan t t sy

lola tells me in german there’s this word, das Kopfkino that translates literally to “head cinema” on the screen, dancers stumble through chambers of colored light, demand love from each other fall to screaming i’m someone’s stepmom, wearing an oatmeal sweater and a tote bag i’m someone’s manic pixie dream babe, dancing nude in the desert can’t wait for someone to be inside me again if you tied yourself up in knots for years how would you feel when they were finally undone? worn out? springless? the weather turns cold again, and the kitty forces his way onto my lap a news article assures me that we are definitely living through the end of civilization my toenails are painted, thanks for asking i pass long, ripe hours with my friends swaying as the sun sets steal from them long hugs hoping that i can feel their hearts beat a few times i like hugging women best only softness; nothing dangerous last week my body hit the pavement i was shitfaced riding m bike by the river limped home and the next day took myself all around town half-crushed, kept telling anyone who would listen that it was nice to finally have the wounds on the outside for once relieved of a partner to report to i overflow with words become an orator, a narrator, minute-long voice message manifestos over-meddling in the minor dramas of others somewhere bells are ringing somewhere closer now i feel driven to encircle myself with a coven look into their faces and see them but our schedules just haven’t matched up yet i feel defensive of my girls like, hey interchangeable sensitive rich white boy did your dad make you feel some kinda way? what do you think you deserve for your suffering?? keep your hands off the pretty muses we already devote too many hours to dissecting your motives, dance studied, intricate steps around your clumsy lurches to make the world less embarrassing for you but honestly, hey, i’m ready to stop insisting i’m not a toy my ass is yr luxury automobile, daddy acquiescence is something like relief they ask me what kind of sex i like i don’t know how to answer my pleasure’s your pleasure soy multifaciética it’s best when you’re on the same wave i should have said, it’s a dance it’s just a dance and as with good conversation, if you’re not listening and asking questions you’re not doing it right nevermind that i only like to dance alone eyes closed to keep the magic from leaking out nevermind that i lose my goddamn mind when nobody caresses me for a month the answer to everything is, it depends i feel a little pathetic but when i catch myself in the mirror i look nothing but fierce and graceful wearing black arms folded

[sarahqueerest]

THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU WE WERE MAKING OUT AT A BUS STOP   3.10.2018

cooking up themes like, midwestern girls don’t talk about money don’t take up space the space is all inside of them when you turn them inside-out that is when things get overwhelming but honestly no one has yet written a thinkpiece that describes my precise condition leaving me alone to the labor i think of that song i posted in my blog in 2008 that christian played while we were staying in the place in el raval with the one-eyed cat who had my father’s name “i can’t wait anymore for you the feeling’s strong, but the summer’s gone” he used to paw through my old journals prying inside it turned me on he said, my song for you is “poker face” writing about fighting in the spanish civil war in the mountains of catalonia, george orwell wrote that the real fear of being shot was not knowing in which part of your body the bullet would nip you i tell nena, it feels like this whole year has been trying to build these home-like structures in the sand, and each time they get stomped on i’m exhausted nena says, when you start over with someone new it feels like everything you built and lost before was a waste a waste of time, a waste of effort but it’s not you just keep going nena and i are sitting in a bar in amsterdam she drinks a cherry lambic nena has two holes scarred in the skin between her eyes and to me they seem to mark wisdom remind me of trapanning the ancient practice of drilling a hole in your skull to let demons out or let spirits in i can’t remember which later nena and i are dancing circles around each other in a fog-filled room shot through with red lasers spraypainted on the wall is a waving cat with huge tits i kiss her sweaty neck, her hair in my mouth on the phone to christian i keep picturing the seam that runs down the center of a human skull, a squiggly line interlocking the two hemispheres, like a river seen from high above the earth i want to keep exploring, he says what have we been doing this whole time? i ask

what’s changing now? where are my limits? i sensed it coming all day, resented everyone around me for not feeling the oncoming doom. a week before he read the last poem i wrote in july and seemed to be in love with me; told me he’d forgotten i had so much going on inside less than a week ago he called me at midnight, sang happy birthday with the vowels bending flatly in his spanish mouth i had come back from amsterdam a shining new woman, having walked the rainy streets having passed the equinox wet and alone in the corner of a coffeeshop while despacito blasted from the speaker above my head and i coached myself through another broken heart too many poisoned memories of floating in the waters of catalonia nude, on my back, fluffed up with love my friends surround me and celebrate my 32nd year and i have never felt stronger or more beautiful and i get one whole day of this before i trip back into idle neediness i’m kissing your neck i’m crying and walking the dog a year rewinds, three years, ten the film warps and melts flickering frames of the sword being pulled repeatedly from my chest let me lick my wounds stuff the sky back inside me my oracles says the lesson of the wheel is that what returns to you returns to a purpose you need to learn the lesson again learn it again learn it AGAIN he says, we have the pieces of the puzzle we just have to figure it out i picture bone sliding on bone she tells me that if people met the me from 10 years ago they wouldn’t recognize her but i do; i see her ghost everywhere

[sarahqueerest]

WANTS & NEEDS 18July2018

at the beach by cabrera de mar i told him i wasn’t sure what he was looking for half-asleep, he said, i just want to be loved and i said, you are but i’m not sure if he heard me the waves were a painful dark shade of blue-green what else? have i changed? as suspected, everything has formed itself into a before and after i slingshot myself through the gauntlet in hopes of making the colors around me a little brighter i may have only succeeded in further dizzying myself sent down the seeds for future disaster we take turns picking up and cradling each others’ bodies it’s easy, because i’m strong like a little pony he says nobody ever picks him up and he says that someone told him in their opinion, all men should be penetrated too just to know how it feels i say, it’s the most vulnerable you’ve ever felt i’m being a little dramatic just a little because i’m weary of lip-service weary in general, i go back in time i wake up again on top of the shipping container at playground nude under mosquito netting climb down and jump on the trampoline walk back across the sands and write: I think even if the rest of this goes to shit, I will have had enough joy from that night to fill me for a little while. i’m getting accustomed to feeling a little embarrassed by the depth and breadth recent emotions, the most embarrassing one being wanting after a couple hours i forget that i was ever clothed trot out in sandals to sniff around for resources have a sip of shandy meet you at the garden of joy you’re the most beautiful thing i’ve ever fucking seen you are the most beautiful thing in this dome on this tower you are the most beautiful thing in this forest of blue-green lights you are the most beautiful thing i have fucking seen i dodge dust devils to seek you out so we can spend a few hours staring in each others’ eyes i think you’re best remembered best entirely framed in vivid red under the awning of the middle of nowhere pues i want to know you too pues here’s my password pues si pues, si it’s hard to sit on a cliff in no panties but here we are the whole valley radiating pink and misty and everyone’s faces were the most alive you’ve ever seen faces be and i just keep saying wowwowwow and the mosquitos bite sweet florian one of my deerlike companions take me to the green river float me away but only when i’m weary of being my own minder on the final day the jewel fell from my face and this was a sign that i was being freed from something though what it was i still don’t know something about how i hold myself something about balance little blue phoenix on my lap scenting my wrists with wild thyme and promising i would find it

[sarahqueerest]

NOWHERE BUS 27.JUN.2018

last solstice changed everything too i had emerged from the mountains to find the small temple stepping inside at first it was too black to see but after a moment you got the sense of a giant object in front of you in the darkness a rock so enormous that there is no conceivable way it could have been put inside the temple after its construction all around it were images of stone children crawling through barbed wire i walked slowly around the rock i stepped out into the spanish june air and met pierre, sebastian, ana, soliel, willfred, the others whose names i've forgotten right now, later we'd share dinner at the monastary on the mountain i carried a bottle of white wine all the way up let my energy soften descended in the morning through the mist to guernika life is becoming a series of microcosms of itself spirals unspooling and spooling scenarios boiling over in both languages i keep forgetting what i wanted where has this year taken me but back around i feel like a dummy when i'm misunderstood but i've decided i can no longer hide in my disappointment with myself i can no longer reel in my disappointment if i speak and te asustas i don't want to feel sorry i'm lying a little bit but not about my feelings i'm stealing a little bit because it hurts i'm feeling more than a bit because i am at the mercy of the universe expect further such behavior if you're a knife i'm a razor and you only wanted to help me fix my bicycle when you were horny it's not your fault it's this body demanding

i panicked about nothing all through yoga class asked the god k-os to be my oracle he told me la alegria, almas gemelas, la liberacion never had he seen such fortuitous cards i brought him a magpie feather he sang me a song about the little bird who visits his window walking the dog in casa de campo i see the biggest dead rat i've ever seen a dead rabbit torn in half by a hawk, empty eye staring at the sun a dead baby magpie whose parents still protect it even though it's dried to bones and feathers i leave the dog alone for half an hour and he's howling broken-heartedly when i get back won't let me walk towards the door without his nose insistently in my crotch i'm like, me too, man, me fuckin too with everyone although when i'm with them why can't i wait to be alone again what do you do with a love so fierce and strange i keep letting small possibilities inflate inside me feel the howling emptiness when they pop where is my perfect and neverending summer where is my family are solitude and connection opposites are rage and ecstacy opposites, or right next to each other am i a soft dissatisfied servant or am i, as suspected, the witch on the mountain tonguing the poppy pods, poking at bones lindsey writes me lindsey went to harvard lindsey was my best friend for two days when we were on the same indescribable wave of having just walked over 900 kilometers when all the other americans i met immediately seemed to be family by which i mean when james spoke it was my brother's voice lindsey's pale blue eyes became my sister's in some flickering memory echo she sends me what she wrote about the night of saint james which i'll read for you now. "You are still free. Allow the montage to enter your mind, from last night. Remember the beauty of the light show, the moment where so many fireworks were going off that it felt like yoru brain was exploding, so much light in teh sky that you couldn't see the black of the night anymore. And the sounds of the explosions were so absolute, there was nothing else. Your heart was pounding and adrenaline pumping, mouth open, and you looked over to Sarah to share in that moment, and instead saw an incredible thing: her eyes closed, a slight smile, chin tilted towards the sky. Peace. And absorption of everything that moment was. It was so beautiful that tears came to your eyes. You yelled: "HOLD OUT YOUR HANDS!" because the vibrations traveled through your fingers, and we stood there with hands extended upwards, feeling the explosions in our palms." 

[sarahqueerest]

THE MOST FAMOUS MEAT ROCK 5.30

the sun’s in my eyes summer shudders after waking; goes back to bed tries to forget that dark look that falls over the eyes of a lover who’s been waiting to corner and kiss you you’ve been waiting too boldly it’s dumb you’ve been real asshole

in the name of your own little garden of joy

stop flailing and sail summer tries to sing but her voice has deflated

one fleeing does not make a chase

the peregrine falcons on top of the capitol building in lincoln, nebraska lay five eggs on a stormy night they fall out of the nestbox move in a circle and observe when we talk everyone starts budding parentheticals you can see them shimmer in the air like hazy moons on our shoulders lean into it and you fractal even further into the people you imagine each other to be they’re imagining a you that isn’t quite you and you’re imagining a them that isn’t quite them some kind of perfectly equal force pressing from the outside in to play with you the way a cat plays with its own reflection in the mirror cartoon eyes going boing boing i lick the poppy petals press them to my girls shoulders my own forehead we’ve climbed the mountainside away from the vibrating techno music below across the valley floats the golden fluff of the cottonwood trees giving a liquid depth to the air i would be a bird, says lola as if this is an all-new idea she had never before considered this seems suddenly possible the evening storm sky turns tornado green a new face blooms out of your face the convex cap of a mushroom deep below the mycelium has been busy brewing the all-new you but does she know her name measure twice measure again never stop measuring when it’s wet enough send her forth prepared to fail full of faith crouch for flight felt it before seek an equal gather your thoughts like mist into droplets split yourself into two eagles and let one of you fly far away for what is having a distant lover if not stroking your fingers through the petals of memory although these days i kick off my imaginary passengers as they try to slow my ship down shake my head look into the sun pluck a wildflower look mildly defiant and relieved like a thief who’s getting out of jail on a technicality like i play hard and i come harder the peregrine falcons on top of the capitol building in lincoln, nebraska lay two eggs