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[sarainvnrun]

I have no more energy and time to talk about Naomi or to have another conflict with Grant about her. Why is it so hard for him just to tell me if he has dinner plan with her? Anyway we’ve talked about this for too many times and agreed on certain things such as he will tell me and I will trust him and will not check on her FB page and strava again.

These were the messages I received in the morning from Grant after he had dinner with her the night before:

Good morning sweetheart - I hope you slept well but judging from your last message you may have had something on your mind.

In answer to your question I went to Malt South and met Naomi and Lisa there; you may then ask why didn’t I tell you; the simple and honest reason was I knew you were feeling down and I didn’t wanted to add to it and I didn’t want to explain or start another conversation about going which I thought may happen. Naomi messaged saying she was going to Malt if I wanted to join - I had no plans and little food in so it was an spontaneous decision. And then when we spoke on the phone there just wasn’t the opportunity or the moment for me to tell you more. I messaged you good night as I was leaving and then didn’t reply last night when I got back as I just wanted to go to bed and not have long discussion about it which may have happened when I just wanted to get to sleep.

And this was the follow up messages:

When I wrote the message that I was going out for dinner I did first write that I was going to meet Naomi and Lisa but then I deleted it and just said out for dinner; in an instant I made a decision and in hindsight I should have thought longer about it but in that moment I thought I don’t want any drama - you said you are disappointed that I made that assumption of you, but it’s how I felt at the time, in that moment, so I’ve been thinking why did I feel that way; why did I think it was just easier to say going for dinner and not explain further. In that moment I felt whatever I did would be wrong; tell or don’t tell. And that’s an indication that I just feel like I keep making poor decisions that upset you; I still don’t know what happened Friday night and then how the text messages Thursday when it was raining came out all wrong and upset you so much. I feel like I keep making mistakes with you. It is as if I don’t feel secure - I just keep getting it wrong. I just don’t know how you will respond sometimes and I made a decision with the best of intentions to avoid drama but instead it’s created it - a poor judgement from me again and a mistake. I just wanted to go out, have some social time with friends and I should have just told you that. When you messaged “where and with whom” i perceived it as questioning, chasing me up, not asking in a “how’s your evening” in fun, curious way, and I just knew I got it wrong again as you shouldn’t have to ask me like that and I didn’t want to deal with it last night and make things worse; I am sorry Sara for getting this wrong again between us

[sarainvnrun]

A bad attitude is like a flat tire… you can’t go anywhere until you change it. #hanoicyclists #coffeeafterride #doppio (at Caffe Doppio) https://www.instagram.com/p/CV1cIgXvilmXdDdY_a6_lIGiZF1Y1OoQcLThGo0/?utm_medium=tumblr

[sarainvnrun]

This big bouquet of flowers from Dalat HasFarm came in Saturday afternoon while I was having my nap time after Saturday long run.

His card said “dear you, one year ago we met at Westlake Station”

It was started from a morning run with Richard as usual, but this time he asked Grant to join us. I didn’t know this until Richard said to me “let’s go that way, I have a friend who will join us” and then that’s how we met for the first time.

And he signed up for VJM in Pu Luong after listening to my convos with Richard about it during our run. He came few days earlier to Hanoi and spent some of those days with me before he went for his bike trip. How about Westlake station? It was the first time we met in Hanoi, this time not for a run, but for dinner and walk with some stops at Turtle Lake brewery and Moose & Roo. This was also the first time he gave his hand for me to hold it

[sarainvnrun]

Back to us

Grant & Sara

Sara & Grant

“Conflict can bring you closer, if you choose to approach it as a way to know your partner more. If you genuinely seek understanding of your partner’s position, you can create deeper intimacy and a stronger relationship, through any disagreement.”

If you see your role in your relationship patterns, don't judge or shame yourself for mistakes you've made in the past. Your behaviors and choices were a reflection of where you were at then based on your wounds, traumas, and environmental conditioning. It can be easy to start looking back and feel regret and wonder if you ruin your chance at love, but this is not true. We are all on our unique path, and your commitment to being self-aware and taking responsibility is a testament to the goodness of your heart. You don't need to go back and change things and you don't need to swim in a sea of regret because all of your past selves carried you to this point of time -- celebrate that. There's a reason many people choose never to look inward and heal their patterns, instead focusing externally and blaming the outside world for everything in their lives. Doing this work is confronting but without self-compassion it's not sustainable. Give yourself the forgiveness and grace that you'd give a small child, you deserve peace. Every relationship experience that has ended, is now complete. You are slowly peeling back the layers and walls around your heart and making way for a new kind of love. It's ok to release yourself from the past and be present to the ways you are learning, growing, and transforming. You are enough.

Gentle reminders for us:

1. You get to decide that you’re not longer interested in repeating the unhealthy cycles you once thought were normal.

2. You get to decide to do better next time & not to hold yourself hostage to your mistakes.

3. You get to decide whatever or whoever is draining your spirit doesn’t get access to your energy anymore.

4. You get to decide even when you fear shows up, you can and will move through it.

5. You get to decide that new beginnings are a blessing and not a burden. You can find liberation in starting over.

6. You get to change and grow even when those around you aren’t ready to.

[sarainvnrun]

Had almost 5 hours in total on the phone with Grant to talk through all the convos during the video call on Thursday between the 3 of us: him, me and Stacey. This time Grant shares everything from his past relationships from Stacey, Emma and Lisa. And Evelyn. And Tash. And Naomi. And I lost count. And I know enough. And I don’t think I want to talk about this issue again.

No more secrets. He shared. He answered. All of them. Why this has to happen after the video call with Stacey?! Why this can’t happen 10 months ago? Why?

Grant said at the end of our phone call that he feels we’re the closest when we’re so apart away. The paradox

[sarainvnrun]

Wow Grant just shared that he has been in touch with Stacey again.

[sarainvnrun]

Today I finally finished updating my CV. It’s been more than a week and I’m taking it seriously and slowly and doing lots of research for this. Yes I feel good about this. I don’t know when I’m going to use this but it’s better to get it ready because I don’t like being rushed to do something.

I also have doing some research about working in other countries, change careers in your 40s and talked about this with Grant. I now know about Spain and Beijing from Pol and Berni. I have never work/live in other countries except Indonesia and Vietnam so nothing wrong to do some research.

[sarainvnrun]

Monday morning.

I’m in rooftop having my pineapple slices. Enjoying sun (but it’s slightly cloudy).

Him after his first meeting and having beetroot juice. He said that he’ll a busy Monday with online meetings but doesn’t mean he’s ignoring me when he can’t answer my WhatsApp messages. This is Grant who’s being too kind.

#15moredaysoflockdown

[sarainvnrun]

I have not been able to sleep well. I don’t have any human interactions in daily basis because I live by myself except with Anh Nam (security guy/maid) but we don’t really “hang out” . Both of us have got our 1st jab though.

Last night I spoke with Grant about this and I just can’t explain my emotions. Before this pandemic, I have no issue living alone, getting my own dinner after work, riding my scooter by the lake. But now it’s been 4 weeks in lockdown and I’m too scared to walk outside to get rid of the so-called cabin fever. But when Grant verbally sharing that I might “feel trapped” because of this lockdown, I don’t have daily face to face talk with anyone (unlike him when having zoom meeting with his students), I don’t have coffee break and banter with colleagues at work, I don’t meet any of my team members, I don’t commute to/from work, I don’t go out to buy my dinner or ride or run with friends. None of these things. I’m just alone by myself. I also don’t want to share this because what can people do? Friends in VN are all in the same lockdown situation. Families in Jakarta also in lockdown. I also don’t want Grant to hear me being grumpy because of this lockdown. I just swallowed this feeling and handled it by myself. And it’s hard. It’s tiring. I can’t sleep well.

Grant can tell that I’m down and he asked me to share with him. I was just crying. It’s just hard. And for him to be able to verbalize all my mumbles helped me & he said it’s ok if this is how I cope being in lockdown: WFH, zwift ride, rooftop sunset and video call with him. If this is enough for me to get going, then it’s fine.

A relationship isn’t always 50/50, some days a person will struggle, you suck it up and pick up that 80/20 because they need you. That’s love. Thanks Grant

[sarainvnrun]

Vietnamese said that start from yesterday is the beginning of ghost month which means: “In Vietnam we believe this month is for ghost or devil from hell can go around our life to find something to eat or can usurp our body. So in those day people normally met the unlucky things, unlucky business. And we not go outside at night”

I was on my way back home from running and 2 policemen on motorbike called me while I was immediately walked towards VinMart. One of them showed a photo of me running in the morning on one of the alleys. One of them was shouting and yelling at me using google translate to ask my name, where do I live, nationality, and told me that I’ve violated the govt Directive No. 16 and asked me to join them to Quang An police station. I pretended to cry and said sorry. He shouted at me to say it louder. I repeated to say sorry and he told me to go back home. I waited until they drove off and I sprinted back home.

Ian offered in HC chat group if anyone wants to borrow his dumb trainer during lockdown. I immediately said yes! He’s being the usual kind-Ian came over after his family dinner and helped me to set my bike. I also borrowed Vincent’s rear wheel including the cassette. Then I asked Tri what to do if I want to “connect” to virtual world (zwift) and he advised me to buy Magene speed sensor because everything must be connected with Bluetooth: speed sensor & iPad; unfortunately my cadence sensor & HRM are only ANT+ after that I asked Rob for some advices and he shared links from shopee to buy Magene sensors and how to set up dumb trainer to zwift. I got the same answer from Matthieu. He bought his sensors from Nam Anh.

Today after monthly meeting with Pak Arif, he asked where am I? And bottom line he asked me to discuss with Pak Danang whether he prefers to live in house in Vinh Phuc or in Hanoi because can’t keep two houses if I’m the only one live in Hanoi for cost saving. I asked pak Danang and he said he prefers to live in Vinh Phuc during this pandemic. This made me heart sank, I can’t imagine to live in a “village” although I have no issue to commute 50km everyday but one thing that made me survive living abroad is to have personal/social life other than just work, work, work which is what going to happen if I live in the shared house in Vinh Phuc.

Grant advised to me to answer to Pak Arif that Pak Danang will return to Hanoi after the pandemic, made sure that Pak Danang keeps this confidential only between me & him, don’t say anything unless Pak Arif asks next month. This will be my strategy. I hope this works #prayhard

Tonight I got my Magene speed sensor and I managed to join the zwift virtual ride for the first time.

They said it’s unlucky month but I believe Mr. G is bigger than my problems in this so called unlucky month.

[sarainvnrun]

We’ve done so much things during this social distancing and lockdown in Hanoi in between Grant’s school holidays start from afternoon walk by the lake to get the longer route to Annam Gourmet while having deep talk or silly talk or taking photos with covid banners as his summer project to send to his nephews and niece.

In the morning we’ll start with tea and fruits for breakfast then I’ll work with laptop then we continue with coffee and pastries. He taught me how to make coffee using this top stove; this made me stopped buying cappuccino at coffee shop, yay!

Next is watching Olympics online. This is very entertaining with our favorite are cycling, track and fields and swimming. His favorite is hockey and mine is badminton. In between he reads his books while I work. We read these 2 books by Matt Haig: The Comfort book and Midnight library.

Sometimes he’ll call his friends, mum and Lisa in my bedroom. Sometimes he’ll go for sun baking on rooftop and I’ll join him after I finished with my work and we’ll try some Yoga. He leads. He has more experience and more flexible too. He joined some yoga sessions in Phuket.

The best thing post yoga is beers and crisps while looking at sunset. We noticed many more people spending time in their rooftop. Some are doing HIIT training, swimming or just watching sunset.

Dinner time is when Grant cook for us. Simple meals but delicious, my favorite is sausage with veggies. Oh so yummy! We’ll spend the rest of the evening by watching Netflix. Ooooh there are many from Start up (we stopped at Season 2 because this is where they have happy ending), some films such as The Guernsey literary and peel pie potatoes, The last thing he wanted (don’t watch this!!), The read sea diving resort, Molly’s game (this a good one).

One day we decided not to have any beers and at night Grant wanted so badly and asked if I have stash?! 🙄🙄 so the next day I prepared 2 Saigon beers for him and as expected he asked for another beer when we have drank all we had in the fridge so he was so happy when I gave him one and said this is the most romantic thing I’ve done for him so far 🙄🙄

This lockdown we’ve done so well, no fallout, no argument whatsoever. Much better than our lockdown together in Riviera in June for 3 days. That was intense!

[sarainvnrun]

Going to miss this big boy after the last few weeks together in Hanoi during his 7 weeks of school holidays. We did well, we go through day by day watching Olympics, read books, afternoon walk by the lake, yoga on rooftop (him sun baking before hand), him cooking lunch and dinner (at least I prepared sliced fruits and smoothies for breakfast) and Netflix before bed time.

The decision for him to go back to Saigon is because (1) second dose of vaccination and (2) he didn’t bring his hard drive for work related knowing that school will be back to online learning.

[sarainvnrun]

I’m in Saigon for urgent audit work for almost 2 weeks now; as of today VN has its 4th wave of covid. All restaurants are closed now. I saw the road is so quiet and I thought I’ll be alright although I’m not home in Hanoi. I’m staying in Capri hotel. I’ll get through this. Circle K is just next door.

I texted Grant to say hi and shared the news that all restaurants are closed in PMH. He replied about 30-40 min later saying: “Right; these are my thoughts. We can drive around looking to see if something is open, like el Camino - small places that might not be affected. I went to Saigon Bagel for lunch today and they were open no problem. Or we get takeaway; maybe visit somewhere and if they are not open we ask them to deliver. And I want to say I’d like to sleep on my own this evening; I’m a bit down and want a big sleep this evening to reset. Richard messaged about running tomorrow btw but we can confirm later.”

I asked may I know why he feels down? Is it related with our convos last night? He said no. Anyway I don’t want to ask him why he feels down because he knows he got me to share (yeah maybe most of the time I’m not much help) and I do aware that Grant doesn’t share anything in his mind. If he doesn’t trust me, he’s not ready to share or he’s just used to handle things by himself so what can I do about it?

I do feel sometimes when I’m down I deal with it by myself, suck it up. Why should I share my “burdens” to someone else? I think I’ve known Grant for almost 7 months just for fun and adventures; he’s not ready to share his tough times, scars from the past, or his thoughts with me — so is it worth it? Do I want to be with someone like this? I know for sure I have experienced many tough days because my life is not always rainbows and lollipops. Does Grant wants to be part of this? Or do I want to share it with him? Am I too much for him? I know I can slowly walk away. I don’t want to be someone’s burden because life is already challenging enough.

.. and here I am thinking that life during lockdown will be a bit lighter if I can share it with someone dear, sometimes I’m being too naive. I still need to constantly remind myself that don’t expect anything from anyone.

Love is not hard. People are hard. Hard to understand. Hard to hold on to. Hard to let go of. Hard to forget. And hard to love.

[sarainvnrun]

When Hanoi is quiet is either because the weather is 36c (feels like 41c) or because 4th wave of covid? Currently there are about 700k Vietnamese got vaccinated out of 100 millions total population; so please don’t ask when will I got vaccinated. https://vietnaminsider.vn/vietnam-is-facing-one-of-the-biggest-covid-19-outbreaks/?fbclid=IwAR3XI2TkWBqAiTKreR8Wk-8mOrFGP-KgG9DNlLsDdhzC4PuSHG2C6MqBXso I missed going back to Indonesia for holiday & I’m tired reading news about covid this and that in Indonesia and in Vietnam. Nobody knows when everything will go back to “normal”? What’s definition of normal now? (at Hanoi, Vietnam) https://www.instagram.com/p/COr7puiHHgQ-wU1X4kZD0gg7CaaN0ZsIHrEONA0/?igshid=am9rwinv00iq

[sarainvnrun]

We started on Monday from Mau Chau to Quynh Nhai. The longest distance ever for me on a motorbike (it’s about 100 miles). We stopped few times for breakfast (Trung Kien Hotel only has instant noodle, no thanks), for coffee and to hide under the shades because of the rain 😬 also we stopped for snacks (very important for me! My favourite is pineapple slices and drinking nuoc mia. We went to one of the prisons too. Not my first choice, except I like they provide a bowl of plums at the ticket counter; well it’s peach season here. There are many prisons from French colonization in Vietnam but not the same goal like if you want to visit all Disneyland in the world. There’s not much to see at Quynh Nhai. The view is spectacular but that was one of the hardest bed I’ve ever slept in Vietnam (some of the beds in our farms are hard too). And the safest meals when you’re in rural area is fried noodle and fried rice, never get bored of these two. On our way to Mu Cang Chai we hardly seen anyone on the road. Good tarmac conditions made me think if I can ride my road bike someday here. #motorbiketrip (at Huyện Quỳnh Nhai) https://www.instagram.com/p/COMfORiHXONwIhotm42ObskRM3SGQEqY4bT0fg0/?igshid=1qptpiwmu59mr

[sarainvnrun]

What a day! Got a surprise birthday cake from DN office team when I’m about to leave to airport. I’m very touched by them although I have special requested to Chi Chau & Andy that no birthday cake or celebration please. Lunch was also simple at our regular chicken rice place with Pak Arif, Andy, Jabal, Rizal, Mr. Kiddivong. Traffic was absolutely jammed to airport at rush hours. I gotta admit I’m glad that Grant can stay calm (unlike me who can’t think) in this kinda situation. We’re allowed to check-in at VN airlines at 6:45pm when our flight is at 7pm!!!! And there were at least 10 passengers with us in the last bus to the plane. Not long after the plane took off, 2 of the flight attendants gave us 2 cold drinks saying “happy birthday” to me! Another surprise this time from Grant (he said that he asked for beers but this flight is alcohol free) This morning I get to reconnected with my old friends from high school whom I dearly missed so much! Also the warm birthday messages from family, cousins, ex-colleagues, friends near and far; you meant a lot to me. Thank you for remembering my birthday. As Grant says in his birthday card for me: “This has been a strange year but it’s in the past now. Now for a new year: ahead and forward. Hold on tight and enjoy the ride!” (at Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam) https://www.instagram.com/p/CN-TfCanPpcYD_KEj_ejNjM8HAIziieqkZ8TeU0/?igshid=1vlrjlhuk3r69

[sarainvnrun]

So what do you want to do on your birthday? Let’s explore Son Tra Peninsula. I’ve been there on my road bike but didn’t go to see everything. I also want to see red-shanked monkey. Ermmm you got one with you now?! 🐒 How to go to Son Tra? Bus? Grab car? Rent a bike? Look at this map, so we’ll follow the green line and blue line. But first to light house. We park our bike here and walk. And walk. Up. Down. Slippery walk. Up. Down. Let’s go to view point. Walk. Down. Up. Let’s go to Radar. Again up and down. It’s drizzling now, can we find a shelter? Yes, let’s go to Banyan tree. This is my reaction: oh finally a beer or cappuccino at Banyan tree, must be nice and for sure dry! And nice view because we’re up in the mountain. Yep, not THAT Banyan tree hotel chains!!! He meant the real banyan trees 🤦🏾‍♀️ The 800 years old Banyan trees. Happy birthday, GB 😘 After this I want to eat. A lot. I’m hungry. And it’s drizzling. He said for sure. (at Son Tra Peninsula) https://www.instagram.com/p/CNkp8kSntGqYHMurZkmwPyn144lLLD86TuIZPA0/?igshid=6us0qyut03m5