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Logs for Legs “Ang laki naman ng hita mo.”

By: Yumi Mariano

One distinctive trait I had as a child was that I loved to eat. I would eat with my food with my hands, especially noodles, my favorite food. I was never a picky eater. I guess that this love for food, along with certain genetic factors made me a little bit chubbier than most children. Growing up, I frequently heard this statement being told to me.

“Ang laki naman ng hita mo.”

My thighs were big ever since I was a little kid. Hearing these kinds of statements while growing up had an adverse effect on how I view myself. It affected me in a way that it made me more insecure about my body. In a way it also made me less self-confident. I would hear this statement from my family members such as uncles and aunts. I would also hear this from the friends of my parents when they haven’t seen me in a long time. Above everyone else, it was my grandmother who had the most effect on me. My grandmother was always very critical about appearance. She is the type of person who only eats healthy and consistently diets. She would criticize me for being too fat. She would also tell me my thighs are too big. In a way, I cannot blame them because I think that there’s this certain picture of a beautiful and sexy woman that the media portrays. There are also certain phrases in popular culture such as the sayings “logs for legs” and “thunder thighs.” These only reinforced the idea that bigger thighs are undesirable.

This portrayal affects how all people view beauty, even when they are not aware that this is influencing them. Women in society are expected to have slender and long legs. Even in my home, the place where I am supposed to feel safe, I would hear this statement. When I would go down to eat dinner, just relaxed and calm, my uncle would make a joke about how big my thighs are while he sat beside me on the dinner table. The home, then, didn’t even become a safe zone for me. I would feel attacked wherever I went.

This then influenced me to present myself in a certain way. Everyday is a performance for me, and that performance became shaped by the view I had developed about myself. How I dress was affected by this. I would feel attacked when I would wear certain clothes. I would always take time to choose outfits that would make me look thinner. For example, I would always feel insecure about wearing shorts. I would avoid wearing shorts or skirts because they showed my thighs. Pants would hide my legs. Without really being aware of it, I would veer away from clothing that should be okay for any young girl to wear. Since the people around me were telling me that I had big thighs, it became an unconscious inclination to hide them. Aside from performativity in terms of how I dress in my everyday life, it also manifested when I would pose for pictures. I would always tell the person taking the picture not to include my legs in the photo because I felt I would look fat in the picture. Also, I would rarely ever post pictures where my legs are seen. These are the external manifestations of the internal struggle I was going through.

I could never understand why I had to be different from other girls. Why did I have to have bigger thighs than what was considered normal. I didn’t even see what they were good for. It is usually only men who use muscles in their legs for sports. It is even admired and desirable for men to have muscular, larger thighs especially those who are athletes. Men are seen to have value when they are stronger. Yet, when it comes to women, society’s idea of beauty speaks volumes about how society views women. Women should be thin and slender, with no muscles. This can reflect how women are expected to be the “weaker” and less aggressive sex. Generally, women are seen to be not very sporty. The concept of the ego is the part of the self that makes you operate under society’s standards. In a way, my ego was affected what I felt people around me expected of me. That was to be thin. Society puts so much pressure on women to be beautiful. So much so that I often feel that my self worth is determined by how I look, or how physically attractive people find me. This starts even from a young age. The person I am today was shaped by this perception of beauty that society had imposed on me. Particularly, I became interested in exercising. I felt that maintaining an active lifestyle would help me get thinner. It made me become more insecure and view myself as undesirable, because I would always compare myself to the people around me. Societal standards of beauty got into my head. My perception of my self was shaped by the people around me. It was shaped by those who tell me how I should view myself.

There are little girls who The call now is to be more aware that our comments may have an adverse effect on the way people view themselves. Society should stop body shaming. Filipinos should stop making it a part of their culture to body shame or to negatively comment on people’s physical appearance when greeting them, even if it is framed as a joke. Let us all be accepting of other people’s physical appearance. Let us be sensitive to the young girls out there who are just forming their identities, by making them feel beautiful, whatever their body type may be. I hope that one day, nobody will ever use the term “logs for legs” anymore, because everyone will accept and love all body shapes, whether hourglass or pear.

Sources:

- Goffman, E. (1991). The presentation of self in everyday life. In J. Henslin (Ed.), Down to Earth Sociology (pp. 98-108). New York, NY: The Free Press.

- Grotevant, H., & Cooper, C. (1985). Patterns of interaction in family relationships and the development of identity exploration in adolescence. Child Development, 56, 415-428.

- Henslin, James. Eating Your Friends is The Hardest: The Survivors of the F-227.

- Moore, S. & Rosenthal, D. (2007). Gender, sexuality and romance. In Sexuality in Adolescence: Current Trends (Ch. 6 pp. 132-155). New York, NY: Routledge.

[sareally]

What’s my sin? “You’re ruining our family. Hindi ka ganyan.”

By: Ginny Puno

These words have changed myself dramatically. It has been hard for me to talk about this specific instance in my life. However, when I was asked to discuss a phrase or sentence that significantly affected my identity today, I could not help but recall these striking words uttered by my mom. In tears, she tells me, “You’re ruining our family.”

To put things into perspective, my mom told this to me when I was a third year high school student – still trying to figure out who I was in this world. With the growing availability of media at this point in time, I can say that my discovery of myself was also shaped by the information I was exposed to. As someone who was extremely fond of YouTube, I had come across certain viral videos of people coming out to their parents in a creative and touching way. Similarly, I was growing to like even more gay personalities like Tyler Oakley, Joey Graceffa, and Hannah Hart who proudly flaunted their sexual orientation. Even in the environment I was working in, I would see that most of my peers had developed an acceptance of homosexuality. More and more lesbian couples emerged within my school, people started developing their own “girl crushes”, and I would hear more frequent discussions on homosexuality. With all this considered, I started to question my own sexuality too.

Long story short, these events led me to having my first relationship with a girl and for some strange reason, my parents found out about it. This leads us to my mom accusing me of destroying the family. It boggled me at that time to think that my self-exploration was destructive to my family - that my own efforts in trying to figure out who I really am were in fact detrimental to my own family, whom I love and care for.

This experience still brings numerous questions to my mind today. It makes me question if it really was a conscious decision for me to identify as a cis-gendered female or if this was simply brought about by my fear of losing my family. I am certain that there is no greater love I possess than my love for my family. Did this, then, get in the way of me truly knowing myself? Of me truly discovering who I was at my core? This internal struggle I’m experiencing further stresses how my parents have become identity agents in my life. Identity agents are defined as individuals who participate in the formation of a youth’s identity. Through the entire process of trying to make sense of this new relationship I was in, it became even more evident to me how my parents were my identity agents. Upon learning that I had expressed my attraction towards the same sex, my parents could simply have let it slide. They could have let it go. However, they didn’t. They saw this new development as a threat to my overall identity. When I would ask them to explain to me why they expressed so much disdain, they would bring up issues on religion – saying that what I was doing was a grave sin against the Lord.

Ever since I was little, my parents have instilled in us this appreciation for religion. We would go to mass as often as we can and not simply reach the bare minimum of attending mass every Sunday. My father would force us to go through the sacrament of confession every month, even if we didn’t want to. From these instances alone, I see that my parents want me to grow up to be a religious person – swearing by the Bible and its teachings. Part of the identity they were forming for me was a Roman Catholic girl who would do anything for and by the church. I would say that I still aim somewhat religious and I still actively practice my religion. However, when I realized that the church was hindering my self-discovery, I started to question this. I started to ask, “How would such a religious and ‘holy’ institution shun me for simply expressing my love for someone?” I knew that I was doing nobody harm by being with my significant other at the time. I was simply acting on whatever feelings I had possessed. So, what is my sin? Here, I was faced with individuation.

Individuation is an important milestone in the development of adolescents. Individuals slowly let go of their strong attachments to the teachings of those perceived to be above them, like my parents or the church, and they start to see value in the formation of their own opinions and criticisms. My own assessment of the situation, especially with how my parents introduced me to the church, has led me to be more knowledgeable today. Without undergoing this event in my life, I would probably not question the church and its functions. Now, however, I do see that even the church system is flawed. That even issues like capitalism and corruption can penetrate such a holy organization. Going back, the way I was at the brink of losing my privilege to be worthy of love and acceptance simply because I chose to love someone of the same sex allowed me to question my parents and the church.

It is important to note, however, that although individuation is necessary, it can still be destructive if not carried out properly. There is a way to have healthy individuation in relationships – which I also realized at that time. Individuation does not end with concepts of rebellion or individuality alone, it must be paired with connectedness for it to be helpful in the growth of an individual. In my case, although I did question my parents, I did see their point. Aside from religious concerns, my parents also brought up some other issues on my young age, my limited environment, and “trends” and this allowed me to also question if my feelings were valid. Of course, I still asserted my own views, however, I still saw the value in respecting their side of the story. This consideration of their ideas against my sexual orientation helped me further assess myself. I now identify as straight, however, this does not invalidate the fact that I did feel what I felt and that I used to be bisexual. Although I identify differently now, I always go back to my experience as someone who was bisexual and I have used this to further understand the sentiments and struggles of other people.

Along with the words my parents had against me having a different sexual orientation were questions. “Hindi ka naman tomboy, bakit ka ganyan?” another interesting phrase I heard from them was, “Diba crush mo si James Reid? Paano nangyari ‘to?” I realized that gender stereotypes are not limited to just male or female stereotypes. Even with the members of the LGBT community, there are stereotypes that hinder them from expressing themselves freely. Just because I did not act, dress, or look like a boy, my parents immediately put the possibility of me being anything other than straight out of the picture. I am also, admittedly, a very “kikay” person who was fond of things normally perceived as girly. However, this should not limit me as someone who would be straight.

Another popular example that shows this was how Pia Wurtzbach stated, in an interview, that she would love for her son to be gay so that he could do her hair and make-up. Moreover, Moira de la Torre’s song entitled “Titibo-tibo” talked about how the persona in the song acted like a boy and this was immediately associated with the term “tibo”. As someone who did not fall under a certain stereotype as bisexual, it was hard for me to fully express myself as such. I knew that because I did not fall under certain physical qualifications, I may be questioned on my sexual orientation – and this is exactly what happened with my parents. It is important, then, to educate people to be more accepting to allow for authenticity to prevail.

Additionally, I believe that the propagation of social media and the internet has allowed for these stereotypes to dominate certain cultures. Although social media is a great platform for educating oneself on our modern world, we must also be careful to filter out the things we see. For example, my parents are also increasing their personal usage of social media. With this, they are exposed to even more members of the LGBT community and have learned more on this topic. However, instead of teaching them to be more accepting, certain portrayals of the LGBT community online have led them to further stereotype people and to box them within certain definitions. My mom, for example, is very fond of humorous gay comedians online and is fond of watching videos on Facebook of gay individuals dancing, doing splits, and doing death drops. However, this has limited her to seeing gay men as just feminine, when in fact, there are gay men who do not possess feminine qualities.

Although it is true that social networks have brought about various platforms for people to express themselves, it will only be effective if we educate ourselves as much as we can, and this includes going beyond what is said online and experiencing the real world. I have realized that the beauty about gender expression and identity is that it can never be put into a single definition. We live in a day and age where people are realizing more and more about themselves and are not afraid to break away from the definitions set by society. Similarly, I have undergone this entire process of discovering myself and building my identity. I know that there are some people who do not believe that sexual orientations can change, but I’ll be proud to tell them that that is not the case. Here, we go back to the importance of connectedness in healthy individuation. This calls for us to not end with critiquing and questioning things, but with creating healthy discourse and listening to multiple sides before arriving to a conclusion. Hopefully, more and more people can engage in these kinds of conversations for us to be able to build a healthy and accepting world.

SOURCES:

Schacter, E., & Ventura, J. (2008). Identity agents: Parents as active and reflective participants in their children’s identity formation. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 18(3), 449-476.

Moore, S. & Rosenthal, D. (2007). Gender, sexuality and romance. In Sexuality in Adolescence: Current Trends (Ch. 6 pp. 132-155). New York, NY: Routledge.

Grotevant, H., & Cooper, C. (1985). Patterns of Interaction in Family Relationships and the Development of Identity Exploration in Adolescence. Child Development, 56(2), 415-428. doi:10.2307/1129730

[sareally]

“Kababae mong tao”

By: Angelica Mercado

KABABAE MONG TAO

CONTEXT

I would hear this statement growing up as a teenager. For the most part, it would be my mom saying it to me. I would hear this for different reasons. One would be with regards to the clothes I wear. Sometimes, my parents are scared that I show too much skin. I admit I did not dress the most proper, most especially in my high school years. My parents wanted me to present myself to family and friends well. They wanted me to grow up to be decent, and my choice of clothes reflected otherwise. My views on what I would like to wear conflicted with that of theirs. My line of thinking was that I knew what to wear and when to wear it and I associate some sort of freedom with what I choose to wear. I knew it was not completely safe on my end, but I also argued that it is men that should be taught about their views towards women. Sometimes, I would hold a grudge, but some other times I would understand. Today, I must say that my choices are more refined and I am not that comfortable wearing pieces that show skin in public; it really depends on context now.

Another reason would be with regards to going out. When I was a little younger, my parents were not completely okay with the idea of me going out and coming home late like attending a party with loads of alcohol. It would depend on where I was going (how far), how I was getting there, and if plenty of boys would be present. Sometimes, I would lie. I did not abuse this, though. The least I wanted was to be scolded. Sometimes, I would push it because I just really want to go out after working so hard on academics.

A third reason (but definitely not the last) would be with regards to my room. I am a clean person; I like living neat and tidy. Sometimes, by some sort of luck (sarcasm), my mom would enter my room and see things not in order like a stack of clothes on the floor, my cabinets open, plush toys scattered, or just paper bags around my room. I feel like she has a preconceived notion that my room is messy because I have too many stuff and everything just looks cramped. She would tell me the statement and say I should fix up and be proper because I’m a girl.

Other instances include how I act (or sit down), how I respond, how my mom saw me act with a guy, etc. I get offended sometimes, most especially because my brother was not scolded for the same reasons, but I do not blame my parents or my mother for expecting me to be a certain kind of person. I know that for the longest time, men had their place in society. My parents are not as young as that of how a millennial’s parents are, so they have a traditional side to them. I trust that they just want me to grow up well and be one of the proper people in society and that they want to protect me because they do not want me to end up in the wrong path because of the social constructs of being a girl.

Although I hear this from my parents (most especially my mom), I’m so sure that it isn’t just them, or any other parent for that matter, that says this or would think that girls should act in a certain way. Friends/peers, the people in school—other students, professors, staff, or anyone encountered wherever one goes, would have an idea of girls, how they are, and how they should act embedded in their unconscious. In effect, some girls tend to become unconscious that they are conforming to their gender roles.

CONCEPTS

IDENTITY AGENTS

Identity agents are people who are actively interacting with the youth and participate in forming their respective identities. They are the link between the individual and the macro-social context/influences/constructs that exist; they are co-creators and co-constructors in the process of growing up. Parents are an example; their control and support affect identity exploration and well-being. (Schacter and Ventura, 2008). An example related to my experiences of the statement is an academic institution like the Ateneo, or the government, church, and technology since they can mold the society in which one is growing up.

INDIVIDUATION

Individuation takes part in the perspectives in developing identity in a family. This is a developmental milestone in adolescence. Here, one loses the parental attachments as he/she becomes an adult. There is progressive sharpening and refining of the sense of self, which is differentiated and unique from the parents. Its stages are from the parents being all-powerful, to having conflict with the parents, to the parents becoming humanized and the person becoming non-dependent. In the Philippines, the presence of the family is strong in one’s development. The authority and expectations of Filipino parents and other elder members of society on an individual’s conformity are highly valued and can create a big impact. (Grotevant and Cooper, 1985) An example related to my experiences of the statement is still making one’s own choices that lead to conflict or separation (or other consequences) such as deciding to live in a condominium (leaving home for college or for work), going out without permission, coming home past curfew, or disobeying other certain orders.

STEREOTYPES IN TRADITIONAL SEX ROLES

The general traditional stereotype of women is to keep a respectable and ladylike demeanor or manner, most especially in public (Moore and Rosenthal, 2007). This prescribed by gender roles, which are attitudes and activities that are associated to one’s sex brought about socialization or behaving in a way acceptable to society. (Cite) An example related to my experiences of the statement is John Gokongwei School of Management dress code in the Ateneo, how girls are supposed to ask permission to go out and come home by a certain time, and how girls are expected to do most of the cleaning (as in household work).

OTHERS: UNCONSCIOUS (contains experiences and information not readily available, needs effort to be brought into conscious) and SUPERRGO (social-moral component in the personality) (Muus 1988).

CONNECTION AND SUMMARY

Parents help in constructing an identity; they are identity agents. It is through them that the context and constructs of society are linked to the individual. An example of which is the Stereotypes in Traditional Sex Roles in which the way we act is prescribed to us by gender roles, which stem from the sex we are born into. Parents basically play a part in stereotyping their children. Both become unconscious to it. Growing up, individuation takes place and sharpens the identity of a person, but cultural factors must be taken into consideration such as the Filipino concept of family and Filipino values.

In relation to “Kababae mong tao”, my parents had an idea of how they wanted me to grow up—how they wanted me to be. There is this notion of having a daughter that exists in them and they played a crucial part in how they raised me. Perhaps it may be because they want to protect me so there are expectations placed upon me. They probably want me to be respected wherever I go—in school, to parties, etc., while I also try to find myself and build on my identity because they grew up traditionally (maybe even harder and stricter social constructs at that) and/or unconsciously know that stereotypes or gender roles exist. As a result, they expected me to dress appropriately, come home when they ask me to, clean my room, act a certain way, etc. As I grow up, it becomes unconscious to me as well, and I also gradually find myself adhering to what is socially accepted. The conflicts I had with my parents did help me sharpen and refine myself and my perception and understanding of myself. Whatever I went through with them gave me new perspectives and new opportunities. Although I am older now and the amount of control they have with me is far less than when I was a teen, I still very much value my parents and the entire concept of the Filipino family. My parents and I are slowly adjusting to me becoming my own self/person; They do not play a dominant role in my choices or actions any more, but there still is a role, and I will still treasure them and keep them close to my mind and heart.

“Kababae mong tao” gave me the way I have to act in front of family, friends, other social groups and events, and even at home; it is one of the perfect Filipino family statements to hear that prove gender stereotypes and associations exist. I definitely learned by experience and I’m much better now. I guess one point I was unconscious to gender roles or what is accepted, but its slowly becoming a choice I would take; this is not because I am all for gender roles and submit myself to gender inequality, but there are some aspects like being ladylike that I have great importance for. I still believe that genders should be equal and no stereotypes should not exist. Over the years, my parents have gained some sort of trust in me (freedom, finally!) but I just want to be a proper refined lady, which really is not bad at all. There is freedom in that and I can still learn things myself.

SOURCES

1. Grotevant, H., & Cooper, C. (1985). Patterns of interaction in family relationships and the development of identity exploration in adolescence. Child Development, 56, 415-428.

2. Moore, S. & Rosenthal, D. (2007). Gender, sexuality and romance. In Sexuality in Adolescence: Current Trends (Ch. 6 pp. 132-155). New York, NY: Routledge. 

3. Muus, R. (1988). The psychoanalytic theory of adolescent development. Theories of Adolescence 6th ed. (Ch. 2, pp. 18-39). McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

4. Schacter, E., & Ventura, J. (2008). Identity agents: Parents as active and reflective participants in their children’s identity formation. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 18(3), 449-476. 

[sareally]

“Ano ka ba, matuto ka nga mag-ayos ng sarili, babae ka pa naman.”

By: Frances Lim

Back when I was in the fifth grade, I remember looking through my Facebook photos with my classmates that was taken after our PE class. We all looked very tired after all the physical activity, but happy nonetheless. As I was looking through these photos on my computer, my dad hovered over my shoulder to take a look at the photos with me. Then, he noticed that my hair was untied and was all over the place, while my other classmates looked neat and tidy despite all the running that we did. He told me, “Ano ka ba, matuto ka nga mag-ayos ng sarili, babae ka pa naman.” At first, I felt hurt because my dad rarely scolded me; and this was one of the few times. This happened when I was 12 years old and since then, I have never forgotten this remark. After this, I have always made a constant effort to be conscious of my appearance, especially if I am around a lot of people, or if I were to post a photo of myself online.

Until today, I try my best to be as clean as possible, not only in terms of how I look, but also with my surroundings. I keep my room tidy by properly organizing my belongings, and I also make sure to keep my workplace at all times. The same goes in an online environment. I make sure that I look proper in the photos on my profile. I even un-tag myself in some Facebook photos where I look untidy, unpresentable, or if the context of the picture is unwholesome. From these, it is evident that I have embodied that statement of my dad and applied it how I live act in my everyday life.

Upon thinking about this scenario, I realized that my parents indeed played a big role in shaping who I am today. My relationship with my parents, particularly during my adolescent stage, has affected the formation of my identity. As it is this stage where I try to learn more about myself and the world around, this is also the time for parents to mold the person they want me to be. More specifically, my parents served as identity agents who guided me as I grew up, therefore they co-constructed my identity with me. They would constantly point out the things I can and cannot do, and tell me how I can improve on myself. Aside from this, identity agents also function as the link between me as an individual and the macro-social influences. Therefore, it is through my parents that I learned the ideals of society – that ladies should always look and act in a presentable manner. Without my parents, I would not even be aware of how society portrays women, and consequently, the way I care for my appearance would not be one of my defining traits. It would not be a part of my identity.

However, my parents are not always imposing on the way I should behave. At times, I am also given the chance to be carefree on how I look. This is because my parents, being identity agents, also try to strike a balance between my personal choice and expressiveness with cultural and moral ideas. For instance, I can be loud, rowdy, unpleasant, and even messy, even if these are traits that are unladylike in the eyes of society. My parents know that I am not always “put-together”, therefore they also give me space to differentiate myself through the process of individuation. I can wear a messy bun and mismatched outfits when going to a friend’s house or a quick trip to the supermarket, or even just at home. I can be as lazy and unkempt as I want, as long as I know the proper time and place for such behavior. Somehow, it is a compromise between me and my parents to create a healthy individuation, wherein I can express myself yet adhere to how my parents want me to act and dress on certain occasions.  

Earlier, I realized that how my parents think a lady should present herself are only results of the constructions of society and; my parents simply link me with these. On a deeper note, gender corresponds to the personal traits and social positions that members of a society attach to being a male and female. In other words, the meanings attached into being male or female are simply creations of society. This leads into the stratification of gender where there is an unequal distribution of wealth, power, and privilege between men and women. Personally, I have attested to this kind of phenomenon, even just at home. For example, my parents would never scold my brothers for being messy eaters. Whenever my little brother would eat ice cream, his face would be covered in all kinds of flavors, as well as his shirt, and even his shorts. When this happens, my parents would simply laugh and even take his photos. However, the reaction from my parents would be negative if I eat messily. Like the statement above, I will be told to know how to tidy up after myself since I am a girl. Because of this, not only do I dress and keep my surroundings clean, but also eat in a clean manner.

To further show that the meanings attached to gender are not only evident in my parents, I would like to draw from my recent area engagement with Tugon, an organization that caters to victims of child sexual abuse. Last Saturday, I visited these young girls who were aged 7-17. As I was talking to these girls, one of them blurted out a funny remark, which caused one of the Tugon members to laugh hysterically. Because of this, the girls started to laugh really loudly too. Then, one of them stopped and said “Ay hala, sabi ng nanay ko ‘pag dalaga daw dapat mahinhin lang tumawa” while she demonstrated how her hands should be covering her mouth while laughing. After mocking how soft and gentle girls should laugh, she then says “Bakit kaya kelangan ganun tumawa, why can’t we be free?”. Her other friends started to agree with this statement and started to laugh as happily as they could, not minding the parameters set for them by society.

I found this particular experience very striking because even if we come from different backgrounds, we can relate with each other because of how society views women. They too are subjected to the meanings attached to gender, and they complain about this by asking “Why can’t we be free?”. Like myself, these ideas are instilled to them by their very own parents showing that once again, parents are the mediators between the adolescent and society. In this case, they are bridges on the issue of gender identities.

Lastly, I have come to ask myself as to why it is important for parents to relay these socially constructed ideas to their children. Then, I realized that they do so because of the process of socialization. Through socialization, individuals are being prepared to be members of any given society – whether the home, the school, or the country as a whole. Socialization is a cycle, where we as individuals begin with a “blank slate”. Then, we become socialized on different levels, with our parents being the first level. Parents teach us the basic behaviors, values and roles, and this can be as simple as learning how to be tidy. They are teaching one how to behave in a manner that is acceptable to society. Due to this, parents play a huge part in shaping one’s identity, as seen in my own example, and in the lives of the girls in the area I visited.

However, this is not entirely the role of the parents because socialization is a lifelong process that goes beyond the household. As one grows older, certain practices, and meanings can be impressed upon the self by the institutions we become a part of too. For example, Ateneo also reinforces the idea of looking presentable by enforcing a dress code for the management students. Circumstances like these further tell us to properly conduct ourselves, depending on the context. Moreover, it allows me to be grateful for my parents that they have taught me the importance of caring for my appearance, therefore it is not difficult for me to adjust in spaces outside my home.  

To summarize, the statement my father told me when I was younger significantly affected the formation of my identity today. Because of him, I give importance to cleanliness in terms of my appearance and my surroundings. Moreover, the meanings and roles attached from being a woman come from society, which is why they impart these to me through the process of socialization so that I can behave in a way that is acceptable to people.

Sources

Aguilar, Filomeno, et. Al. 2009. Maalwang Buhay: Family, Overseas Migration, and Cultures of Relatedness in Barangay Paraiso. Quezon City: Ateneo de Manila University Press.

Goffman, E. (1991). The presentation of self in everyday life. In J. Henslin (Ed.), Down to Earth Sociology (pp. 98-108). New York, NY: The Free Press.

Grotevant, H., & Cooper, C. (1985). Patterns of interaction in family relationships and the development of identity exploration in adolescence. Child Development, 56, 415-428.

Moore, S. & Rosenthal, D. (2007). Gender, sexuality and romance. In Sexuality in Adolescence: Current Trends (Ch. 6 pp. 132-155). New York, NY: Routledge.

Schacter, E., & Ventura, J. (2008). Identity agents: Parents as active and reflective participants in their children’s identity formation. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 18(3), 449-476.

[sareally]

There’s nothing that excites a crowd more than a heartwarming dance piece - with dancers gracefully flying across the stage. In that ethereal moment, the dancer’s movements transport the observers into a separate reality, where music and movement are one. Dancers have the power to entertain, move and inspire the audience, sending messages through our performance. As dancers, we participate in a unique art both on and off the stage.

The key to being a dancer is presenting yourself appropriately to the audience in order to evoke a certain message based on the piece. In order to present ourselves appropriately, dancers use various elements of costume, appearance, performance and manner. Costumes are used to emulate the identity of the characters we are portraying, making the piece more believable. Costumes help us embody different personalities in our dances. We use exaggerated stage makeup, with bright colors and heavy strokes, so that the audience can see our facial expressions even from a distance. Another crucial part of the performance is how dancers carry themselves on stage. Our dance teachers always remind us to “pull up” while performing our dances. “Pulling up” means never letting go of our core or our center throughout the dance, exhibiting control and mastery. This is important so that we can execute steps without losing balance, overall contributing to the impact of the dance on the audience. Aside from executing the steps perfectly, we need to capture the attention of the audience. To do this, we need to project our emotions up to the very last row of the audience. The performance starts when we step on the stage, and ends only once we are out of sight from the audience. Our mindset is as long as you are seen by the audience, you are performing.

Behind the beauty and magic of dancers on the stage, there remains the mystery of how the dancer was able to perform so perfectly. What observers typically do not see are years of technical training, and months of rehearsals for just one piece. We put blood, sweat, and tears into our practices. Endless training sessions are spent to polish even the smallest movement and the tiniest difference in position. To keep up with the rigorous steps, we need to condition their bodies through exercise and drills, while eating healthy to maintain our figures. Behind the perfectly pointed toes and seemingly effortless pirouettes are bruises and blisters acquired from countless runs of the same piece. Back stage is usually where dancers are told that it is okay to make mistakes, contrary to the perfection required by on stage performances. For example, our coach always tells our team “Make all the mistakes here. It’s better to look stupid here in the studio while it’s just us, than to look stupid in front of the whole audience in the theater.” Another difference is that back stage, we are not hiding our tiredness behind makeup. We are our natural selves, dripping in sweat and covered in bruises. When we are backstage, we can wear knee supports or ankle supports, because nobody is watching and you don’t need to look perfect or effortless. Another key element in the studio is the mirror. This is where we can check if our lines are correct and if we look good. When you move to front stage, that mirror disappears, transforming into the audience. The performance then becomes a dialogue between the audience and the dancer, rather than the monologue that occurs in the studio.

[sareally]

As Management Engineering students, we spend most of our day in campus attending one class after the other; yet our days don’t end there as we go to various meetings and consultations too afterwards. Given this kind of routine, we portray ourselves as hardworking and efficient - always able to cope with the daily demands of our student life. For instance, we carry with us our planners to help us keep track of our deadlines, and our laptops as we work on our requirements. We never forget our notebooks and calculators too as they are essential to survive in this course. Apart from this, we try to dress as neatly and as presentable as possible. We try to remain composed and put-together way at all times, as it is demanded of us as management students who aspire to be professionals in the future. Furthermore, we embody this image of being professional and competent even in the simplest ways. For instance, we engage in class discussions through openly expressing our thoughts and providing new insights. When given the opportunity, we also lead our own groups and we make sure our performance is always our the best we can give. Because of this, we always seem to have our lives are under control.

However, we feel exhausted too. We are burnt out by  always trying to be the best we can be, and we are tired of meeting the expectations of others. Being in ME, people immediately assume that we are intelligent and hardworking, therefore, things should be easy for us. However, this is not always the case. Behind all the high grades and reputable positions, we also find it difficult to keep up with our own circumstances. We hang around in coffee shops during the little free time we have and stay up during the wee hours of the night studying for tests that will determine whether or not we get to stay in our course. We are not always as put-together and presentable as we seem to be - looking like a complete mess with messy hairs and loose pajamas. Our eye bags just grow bigger and bigger by the day as we constantly bank on our cup of coffee nearby. We break down from time to time as we are drowned in so many requirements and we struggle in understanding our lessons especially since we do not always get our lessons at the first try. Consequently, we find ways to deal with this such as watching tutorial videos on YouTube, or talking to our friends and family to help us emotionally cope with such difficulty. At the end of the day, we are afraid to show our shortcomings as ME students, which is why it remains hidden behind the scenes.

We create the image of being the perfect student; but underneath it all, our seemingly perfect lives isn’t as perfect as it seems.

[sareally]

Getting Lost Somewhere New - Thoughts?

Article by: Yumi Mariano

Somewhere Only We Know by Keane

          I walked across an empty land           I knew the pathway like the back of my hand           I felt the earth beneath my feet           Sat by the river, and it made me complete

          Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?           I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on           So tell me when you're gonna let me in           I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin

Have you ever been lost? Have you ever lost something important to you? We often lose things. We lose our favorite shirt, or our car keys. We lose friends and loved ones. We lose grasp of our purpose in life. We lose sight of the things that make us happy. When we embark on trips, when we travel, we get lost. We get lost in thought. We get lost in wonder when we go on journeys to unfamiliar places.

This year, I am going to embark on a once in a lifetime journey. I will be entering a new environment, on my own, as a participant of the Junior Term Abroad Program. Living in a foreign country without my family will surely be an eye-opening experience. This will not be the first time I travel, but it will be the first time I will travel alone, making it a journey unlike any I have ever had before. It can definitely be scary, immersing myself in something I have no clue about. I feel scared. I have never been placed in a situation like this. I am leaving the comforts of home, which I knew “like the back of my hand.” Instead, I am immersing myself in something new, something I have never experienced before.

Whenever I travel, I usually bring the things that I cannot live without. I bring things that I use every day. In relation to Kahneman’s article, my System 1 and System 2 were put into action as I decided what to bring on my trip. My first instinct, or what my System 1 told me, was to bring my ring because I never take it off and I use it every day. My grandmother originally owned it. When she passed away, the ring was left to my mother. Around 4 years ago, my mother passed it on to me. Since then, I have worn it every day. This ring has already become a part of my identity, to the point that I feel empty without it. My System 1 would always alarm me when I forget to wear it. I need to have it because it has become a part of my daily routine. It’s automatic for me to look for the ring and make sure I’m wearing it. My system 2 is what makes me remember that this ring is significant for me, and I end up looking for it, making sure it is not lost. Digging deeper, once I thought about it, I realized how significant this ring is to me. My System 2 assigns meaning and memories behind wearing my ring.I then realized, that the ring became a symbol of my family’s love for me. How much I value my ring is a reflection of how much I value my family. Family is a huge part of my life, and I view a healthy relationship with my family as a part of my well-being. I know that I will dearly miss my family when I leave for JTA. Anticipating the feeling of home sickness, I want to have something that is like a piece of my family with me. When I feel lonely, seeing it will remind me of the love they have for me. Their love that will not fade, no matter where I go.

Since I brought something with me, I would also leave something behind to my family so they will not forget me. I would leave my dance paws with my family. Dance paws are what contemporary dancers use to protect their feet when they dance. For context, I have been a dancer my whole life. I started dancing ballet at the age of two. When I was 16, I joined a contemporary dance team called Raw Elements Dance PH. The very first piece we performed for an audience was entitled “I Was Here.” I will leave behind my dance paws for my family because first, it will remind them of me and my love for dance. Second, because the message of the piece I first performed was that “I was here. I lived. I loved.” A lot of the message of the dance is being remembered for something. It’s about someone who wants to make sure that they made an impact on the people they interacted with. “I want to leave my footprints in the sands of time, know there was something that I left behind.” The lyrics can be taken literally, like through System 1, in the context of you actually leaving something tangible behind, which in this case are my dance paws. The lyrics can also mean that you want to figuratively leave an impression or make a difference, through System 2.

Sadly, it is a reality that most things fade, that things are lost and forgotten. Based on my personality, I am the type of person who gets easily affected when I feel forgotten. I often get depressed when I feel left out or neglected. It then becomes possible, in the situation I face, for JTA to be a trigger of negative emotions. Upon setting foot in the new country, I will have little to no friends. I have felt lonely and friendless before. As I have discovered in Mind, Body, and Emotion by Williams, Teasdale, Segal, and Kabat-Zinn, being in a new environment without many friends or familiar faces may push me to feel the same patterns of thought with a traumatizing experience in High School.This experience happened in the past with my barkada in High School. There was one girl whom I could not seem to get along with. She would often backstab me. I ended up fighting with her. She would deliberately make me feel left out of the group by excluding me in the conversations and uninviting me from their hang outs. This made me feel like I was unwanted, that I did not have true friends. The danger here is that the pattern might trigger the emotions I felt during this difficult time of my life, to resurface. I cannot allow this new JTA experience to suck me down into the same vortex of negative emotions. The similar environment you are in triggers your memories. There is a cycle that triggers these bad memories, and has the capacity to suck us into a spiral of depression. The thinking patterns and moods that we experience in childhood are highly likely to return in the present. That is why our unhappiness is amplified, because they are accompanied by feelings of inadequacy in the past. Now, the question for me is, how do I avoid this?

This experience changed many things about how I view life. I think it would also be good not to be too negative. Like for example, if people accidentally leave me out, I can jump to conclusions and believe the worst right away. Interpretation is a large part of the emotional process. If we have negative interpretations of things, we are more likely to feel depressed and sad. Being able to control or be more aware of how you interpret things that happen in your environment, especially when interacting with other people, you can lessen unnecessary stress. Looking to deeply into the situation can do more harm than good. Negative thoughts can plunge us into depression more. Sometimes it’s all in our heads, the criticism that we give to ourselves. Our thoughts have an effect our mood, and our bodies. Being more mindful about what we think about will help. Applying the concept of rumination, often times we think that we need to dwell on our problems in order to fix them. Dwelling on our problems only makes them worse, according to the research on the principle of rumination. Using the story of “Spilt Milk” as an example, it is not a good idea to water down the spilt milk, because it will only look the same and become bigger. This may only perpetuate the cycle of feeling like we are not good enough. We keep trying to fix it. That might exactly be the wrong approach, because doing so will only immerse us more deeply into negative thoughts. We probably do not have the answers to our problems either. Basically, don’t dwell on a problem. We’re trying to get rid of it but we don’t realize that we are only making the problem bigger, and rumination backfires. We may not be able to change our initial or automatic System 1 reaction to these sad feelings, but we can always choose how to address our feelings. Becoming more aware of these patterns and triggers can help us apply mindfulness when faced with depression.

How we choose to be mindful and how we address our personal feelings are related to our loob. Yet, with loob, there also exists a labas. Labas deals with the people and environments we are placed in. As Hermans has eloquently put it, I think we need to have a balance between the open and closed self to be well. We need to research on the flexibility and resilience of the self because globalization is bringing more problems that the self needs to adapt to. We need to be open to new experiences but at the same time remember our values and culture that make up our identity. Hold on to who we are, but not close ourselves off to the experiences and opinions we will encounter in a new environment, in the context of JTA. “Self and culture are not mutually exclusive but mutually inclusive,” said Hermans.

Planting the seeds of awareness is essential to understand the inner workings and depth of our loob. Being aware then makes an impact on how we handle the environment around us, the labas. Part of my new definition of well-being now is that I don’t rely too heavily or overthink too much about whether people remember me or not. I need to be comfortable standing on my own. I need to be okay alone, so that I can also enjoy the company of my friends when I am around them. I shouldn’t be afraid to get lost, because by getting lost, we also have the opportunity to be found.

Sources:

Hermans, H. (2015). Human development in today’s globalizing world: Implications for self and identity. In L. Jensen (Ed.), The Oxford Handbook of Human Development and Culture: An Interdisciplinary Perspective (Ch. 3, pp. 28-42). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

Kahneman, D. (2011). The characters of the story. In Thinking, fast and slow (Ch.1, pp. 19-30). New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

Williams, M., Teasdale, J., Segal, Z., & Kabat-Zinn, J. (2007). Part I: Mind, Body, and Emotion. In The mindful way through depression: Freeing yourself from chronic unhappiness (pp. 11-49). New York: The Guilford Press.

[sareally]

Questions

Article by: Ginny Puno

If I were to leave my home today, what is one important item that I would bring with me and what is one item I would send back home as a remembrance of me? As simple as these questions sound, I put a lot of thought into my answer for both.

1. What would I bring with me?

The difficulty in leaving home is having to face the risk of leaving myself behind. I remember the first semester I had in Ateneo. When I reunited with my high school friends, I realized how much I changed in a span of a few months through simply being in a new school. Given this, I’ve decided that it would be important for me to bring something that reminds me to always remember who I am at my core. There have been multiple instances where I lost sight of who I was and in one specific experience, this item reminded me to go back to the values I grew up having.

The world today is portrayed as a world full of evil and deception as articles on mass murders, corruption, unjust killings, and the like continue to circulate on social media. Even the everyday conversations I have had with people show me how others around me also see so much hostility in the world. Phrases like “there is no hope in the Philippine government” or “this country is too problematic” have been thrown around me and it saddens me to hear such negative views on the world, especially on this country. Growing up, I was taught to always be hopeful - to always look for the light at the end of the tunnel. It has been tough, however, to maintain this positive disposition I used to have given the prevalence of negativity in the environment I’m in. I was starting to practice being too critical of everything more and more each day and to be less and less positive. After realizing this, I decided to consciously make an effort to strip my life of too much negativity and to practice creating a balance between being realistic but also feeling hopeful. With this in mind, what I’ve decided to bring with me this Baymax USB which serves as my constant reminder of this change I’m trying to bring upon myself.

The more obvious reason as to why this Baymax USB reminds me to consistently have  a more positive outlook on the world and on people is the nature of the character of Baymax. Baymax’ nurturing and kind personality reminds me to see the world as something that is just as kind as he is. Moreover, Baymax’ fighting mode also reminds me not to be too naive. Although Baymax was programmed to be caring, in the movie, the robot also adapted to situations wherein he was needed for combat. The way I see the world is definitely much more complex now. It was easy to stay hopeful as a kid because I was living in my imagination. Given the knowledge I have now, I cannot just stay hopeful for the sake of being constantly happy. I understand that to be truly hopeful is to accept that there are horrors we experience today. Part of being hopeful is to allow myself to be disturbed by these realities and to let that feeling move me to action.

This reference to the characterization of Baymax is something I definitely consider but there is also a deeper story behind this Baymax USB which reminds me to be hopeful but to also be realistic. This Baymax USB was purchased in a night market in Hong Kong as part of a 10 64G USBs for 100 HKD. In Philippine pesos, this would mean that each 64G USB only costed around 60 to 70 pesos. This was insanely cheap for a USB with that kind of capacity. My parents debated back and forth on whether or not we should purchase this since it seemed too good to be true. The vendor told us eventually that we could test it back in our hotels and choose to return it if it does not work. This kind proposition made my parents doubt the vendor even more. What if she does not come back the following day? What if they totally bail on us and leave us with 10 useless USBs? After much thought, my parents eventually decided to give this vendor a little bit more trust and we decided to purchase the USBs.

Once we arrived at our hotel, we anxiously waited to see if this girl was tricking us or not. Long story short, the USB actually does have the capacity of 64G but it can’t play any forms of video on the USB. Aside from this however, the USB can copy other files and can work perfectly fine. Looking back at this entire situation, I can say that our System 1 thinking attracted us to the promo sign and made us think, “This is such a great offer!”. However, when System 2 kicked in, it began doubting and questioning the integrity of the vendor. With a negative outlook on humans prevailing our System 2, we would have left the stall thinking these people are scammers who just want our money (Kahneman, 2011). However, taking the risk of believing in this person led us to a very good steal. Whenever I look at this USB, I am brought back to the delight of my parents’ faces when they were able to copy a random document onto this Baymax USB. What I aim to do now is to develop a personal System 2 that is realistic but also less harsh because I know that being too critical can lead me to close my doors on people who may leave me with the same kind of happiness my parents’ had upon purchasing these USBs. Although re-shaping the mind is something quite difficult to do, this USB reminds me to make a conscious effort to be more positive in whatever situation I’m in.

Additionally, the fact that this simple USB was able to have so much meaning underlying it has also taught me to accept that there is a story behind every face. As much as “free loaders” can be annoying, there must be a narrative behind their actions. As time goes on, I have also observed that humans slowly become less human. It’s so easy to forget about these stories and to see people at face value. This USB reminds me that the human self is indeed a complex concept that cannot be limited to a specific instance or interaction. Someone who may seem rude or offensive may not be innately mean, but he or she may have just had a terrible day at work. Especially now that I am moving to an entirely different environment, it is important for me to realize the variety in the cultures people grow into. The culture of the Philippines’ may not be similar with the culture of this new place I’m venturing into and I may not share the same stories they have. More than just being hopeful, this USB also drives me to develop a deeper understanding of the world and the complexities of people.

Analyzing this further, I can also say that the root cause of me seeing the need to improve my perspective of the world was the environment I was in. I was surrounded by negative news and negative people, thus making me more negative than I was before. It’s good that I was able to realize this in the environment I’m currently in, but who’s to say I won’t be influenced by the new environment I will be in once I leave home.

It is so easy for the self to adapt and to shape its values around the environment it’s in. Returning to the concept of homophily and heterophily, I always thought that there was much advantage in cultivating a homophilic environment. I felt the need to accept the majority’s consensus on things and never to question things to maintain a peaceful environment. However, this entire journey of remembering the values of hope and trust I once had has shown me that it is essential for me to constantly stay true to what I believe in. When I leave home, there is that risk again of me adopting values I’m not too fond of because of its normality in the place I’ll go to. This USB can also serve as a reminder that heterophilic environments can also be beneficial because they have the potential to raise ideas and questions that may not have been considered by others before (Hermans, 2015).

2. What would I send back?

Compared to the previous question, I found this much harder to answer. It was no longer about just everything going on within me, but it concerned everyone I hold dear to me. The immediate instinct I had was to ask, “What impact would I want to leave on their lives?”. So, I thought, maybe sending a rock from the place I’m at would be a good thing to do.

I like dissecting my own mind. I like creating deeper meanings behind things that seem so simple. As evidenced by my choice to bring the USB and the stories behind it, I am incredibly amused with connecting things that seem to have no correlation at all. This, to me, is how I practice mindfulness. At its core, mindfulness is having the capacity to pay attention to things happening in the present. A typical mindfulness exercise would be to be conscious of your breathing - to follow the air that goes in and out of your lungs and to observe the path it goes through within your body (Bergland, 2015). More than just these physical actions, however, I personally think that mindfulness is also about finding insight in the smallest encounters we have in the everyday. I have realized that the way I correlate things to lessons allow me to make the most out of the present situations I am in. So if I were to send back anything to my friends and family, I would like to send them an item that can help them also be aware of their thoughts and their realizations. Nothing brings me greater joy when I hear “Oh I never thought of it that way.” or “Oo nga ‘no.” in a conversation I have. I like allowing people to see things through a different perspective and this is something I’d like to continue doing even from miles away. With this, I’ve decided that I would send a rock from the place I travelled to with a tag saying “A REMINDER”.

This Christmas, my lola gave me a rock as a Christmas gift. I vividly remember the confused expression on my face when I opened the box. I still do not know why I was given this up to this day, but I have made my own interpretation on why  this rock was such an appropriate present.

My first question was, “What made this rock so special?”. Yes, it was smoother than most rocks but it’s still just a rock. Then I realized, the true value of this rock can only be unveiled once I look inside it. This rock could be from absolutely anywhere in the world, and I would not know because I never bothered to break it apart and to observe what’s on the inside. With globalization, so much more layers have been added to what defines a person or a culture. Essentially, we are all like these rocks - with our beauty being what lies within. Similar to the USB, this rock reminds me to be more open to these varieties between people and cultures. I should not simply know people at face value but I should take the time to also know their stories and the environment they are in.

My point, however, in sending this is not to have my friends and family interpret the rock in the same way. I know that it would be impossible for my friends and family to come up with the exact same interpretation. However, I do believe that receiving a rock as a gift would make them think. This was such a strange gift to me and this unfamiliar situation immediately activated my System 2. I want to have that same effect on my peers. With the pace at which we live our lives, it’s so easy to keep relying on System 1 - to always trust our automatic reactions to events around us. People rarely take time out of their day to reflect and to truly think and feel. Opening a package just to see a simple rock on there, with a cryptic message, would lead their minds to stop and assess what’s going on.

To me, being well is not just a physical state of wellness. It’s not just about being physically healthy or fit. When I think of wellness, I immediately associate it with growth. I believe that I am in an environment that allows me to be well if it allows me to develop myself to become even better than I was yesterday. To grow, however, is also about becoming aware and to marvel at the unknown.

It’s easy to stay in a state of comfort and to be satisfied with what you have. I consider myself in a state of well-being when I start to question things I’ve accepted as normal. I know I am growing when I choose to answer these questions, not suppress them. With that, I also believe that well-being is not something that is limited to the internal makeup of a person - it also transcends to how that person is also in control of their surroundings.

It entails being aware of the environment you’re in - your social class, your gender, or your physical location - and reflecting upon these realities. These items both seem simple yet the events and learnings I associated to them make them so much more than just items. Yes, it’s important to let the mind rest at times and to accept things for what they are. I do have more straightforward or practical reasons as to why I chose the USB and the rock. A USB can store information and a rock can save me money but at the same time give my friends and family a piece of the new land I’m living in. However, I believe that to be truly well is to strike a balance between accepting and questioning. To keep my own well-being in the place I will travel to and to also ensure the well-being of my friends and family while I am far away, I have chosen these items as a general reminder to let the mind and the heart work to constantly strive to find greater meaning in things.

Sources:

Bergland, C. (2015, April 09). Mindfulness: The Power of "Thinking About Your Thinking". Retrieved February 19, 2018, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201504/mindfulness-the-power-thinking-about-your-thinking

Kahneman, D. (2011). The characters of the story. In Thinking, fast and slow (Ch.1, pp. 19-30). New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

Hermans, H. (2015). Human development in today’s globalizing world: Implications for self and identity. In L. Jensen (Ed.), The Oxford Handbook of Human Development and Culture: An Interdisciplinary Perspective (Ch. 3, pp. 28-42). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

[sareally]

Of journeys within and beyond

Article by: Angelica Mercado

~This blog post was written in a casual/conversational tone~

In being far away from home, the most dominant feeling that rules over me is sadness, primarily because I don’t like being away from home if I won’t be surrounded by my friends or by my parents. There’s some sort of anxiety and fright involved because I can’t help but anticipate the unfamiliarity of the place or because I might not be able to keep myself on my toes. I anticipate being lost in different ways. In a new environment, I initially hold back from doing things and I’m scared of getting around. I also feel unpreparedness even if I think I share elements of local and global cultures in me, which gives me a hybrid identity (Hermans, 2015)—a sense of somewhat knowing the world, which ironically should help me feel prepared. Of course, I’d start thinking of my game plan or whatever I would need to do to survive, but preparing can only do so much and most of it will hit you when you’re already there.

Being in a new environment scares me a lot; there’s so much adjusting to make and, well, the FOMO (fear of missing out) or the fear of drifting apart. There’s fear in plunging into the unknown. It has a lot to do with grappling around with mentality and emotions. In a new environment, I can’t let myself be entangled in unavoidable unhappiness or fear and let it affect my mind and body; it will cause me more trouble than progress. Although sadness is an inherent part of being human, the way I react to it may cause it to be persistent emotion instead of a brief one. “The problem is not the sadness itself, but how our minds react to it.” I can’t keep myself there or just ruminate about it for the time I’m away. It’s the enemy of my self-progress (Williams et al., 2007). One thing that plays a big part in this is trying to practice emotion regulation in which I try to influence how I feel it, when I feel it, and how I express it. I can’t let the unhappiness I feel attack me because it would bring me down; however, I can use it to my advantage by letting it motivate me to continue to thrive and survive (Gross, 2008).

I get that millennials are supposed to be adventurous, risk-takers or whatnot, but leaving home is something so close to the heart that doesn’t choose age, or any other demographic characteristic (race, gender, etc.). If I had the choice, I wouldn’t want to leave home, or in another way of looking at it, leave my comfort zone, but sometimes it’s inevitable for us—it’s all part of the process of life. In this case, I’m some sort of local to what’s foreign or global to me; I’m taking new opportunities while still keeping my identity as a person and learning from whoever I meet. This is something I can use trying to get a balance between being homophilic and heterophilic (Hermans, 2015). There’s plenty of things to explore because “globalization (given that where I go is somewhere totally different) gives and takes, it promises and deceives, and it liberates and imposes”… and I’ll never really know unless I try (Hermans, 2015). The sun is alone, too, but it still shines. :)

In leaving for somewhere, I’d have to bring something with me that I think I’ll really need. I would choose to bring my necklaces, which to me are inseparable. One of them says “Angelica”, my name, while the other is a cross pendant. 

Of all the things I could bring or actually brought, this would be the most valuable. At the tip of this iceberg, one reason would be the fact that I love jewelry or accessories and they’re a must for me everyday.  Whether or not I’m home or far away from it alone, I wear it everyday and I would keep holding my necklaces to make sure it’s there. So why my necklaces? A forced and practical reason would be I can earn money from having it pawned, but that’s really not what I have in mind. Going deeper into seeing more of the iceberg, one of the reasons would be these necklaces remind me of my identity and my constant pursuit of trying to define me—they remind me of my being. “Angelica” reminds me of who I am, who I’m supposed to be and who I want to be; it reminds me of where I came from and where I want to go, of my personality, values, traits, strengths, weaknesses, and so much more. From my perspective, just looking at it can say millions about me, but to others, it’s just a name formed on gold. The cross reminds me of my faith—the faith that assures me I’ll be fine, the faith in the God I believe in, and the faith in myself. More than faith, it reminds me of what I’m grounded on. What’s the point? Being in a new environment on my own far away, I wouldn’t want to lose myself in it. If things get toxic or when I feel uncomfortable and fragile, I’d want a reminder of who I am every single day (I wouldn’t want to go crazy). It’s my own emotional regulation practice. In adjusting to a new place, there’s plenty of things to learn, but I don’t want to be influenced by everything 100%. I want to learn but not be transformed by the new things I’ll see and experience. Similar to checking my necklaces if it’s still there, I want to check if the “Ica” (my nickname) that I know and everyone knows is still there. The world is changing, but I don’t have to make a 360 degree turn to keep up with it; I still need bits and pieces of myself as my foundation in exploring what the world has to offer because it’s okay to be exposed in a globalizing society when you have an understanding of the self.

Before departing, one would think of leaving behind something for family or friends, sending them something from where one is, or giving them something when one returns. Whatever it is, my object would be my Pandora bracelet. 

A Pandora bracelet and its charms are supposed to “tell the story of you”. I’ve bought charms in different countries, which in a way makes my bracelet and I global, aside from the fact that it’s Western influence. Each of my charms mean something to me and have been given by special people in my life (if I didn’t buy them myself), and like my necklaces, it’s a reminder of who I am as a person. So why choose to leave it behind? It’s because it’s in this way that I want to be remembered. I want the story of me to go on. The charms serve as a reminder to my family that I will always stay grounded on my person, always chase my dreams… to try to be bigger and better than I am everyday, to go beyond the definitions and limitations I set on myself, to always do things out of love, and to always work until I’m contented and happy with what I’ve done for myself and the people I love. It’s a reminder that even if my bracelet is with them with some “story” to tell, I’m still creating more stories; I’ll try not to stop as I’m away in a new environment trying to do the best I can, learn, and be my best self… in an environment that can potentially lead me into adding more charms. It’s a symbol to whoever I leave behind that although being away scares me, I’m open to it because I’m open to beneficial change.

In the process of choosing the objects, I thought of what I can really hold and associate myself with. I considered bringing or leaving things that weren’t too much of a hassle or didn’t require much space, but also things I care for and cherish. As you might have already noticed, I’m a very sentimental person. I really choose to see past the surface of many things in my life and recognize them for thir value. I’m sensitive when the topics revolve around myself or my family. Because Filipinos are known to have close family ties (or at least I grew up this way), getting caught up in the emotions that being away from the people I love and value can be regarded as a culturally constructed experience (Mesquita et al., 2016). What I really wish to do with these objects is to counter the fear, sadness and distance I feel with positivity, self-love, and assurance that everything will turn out to be okay. I want to be equipped with who I am and the values I have. In other words, I wish to be able to obtain and then to maintain a state of well-being within me.

Well-being is a very personal thing, and I believe it really depends on one’s context what the word can mean for them. We each go through our own learnings and experiences that our definition or description of what well-being is can vary. An instant search on Google (which is a form of being global to some extent :) ), will give well-being a denotative meaning “the state of being comfortable, healthy, or happy”. Well yes, but to me, well-being means a state where you understand your (1) thinking and (2) emotions, and use this understanding in caring for yourself; I’m someone all about self-love and treating the self right. So what is my idea of well-being? It’s being aware—not only of the things around you (external), but the things in you (internal). It’s that big step of knowing and understanding your identity and person, taking ownership of it, and caring for it. It’s letting oneself develop. It’s practicing mindfulness: paying attention to anything at our present moment, not judging anything, most especially those we tend to take for granted or ignore, which in my case, is the identity we live with everyday but fail to recognize (Williams et al., 2007). Other than mindfulness, it’s self-examination to strengthen who we are and cultivate ourselves based from our roots and experiences: A reflection and assessment of oneself. After all, “An unexamined life is not worth living” (Foucault, 1986). This explains why I’m so invested in my necklaces and my bracelet—because they represent me and my being, which I treasure a lot. It’s in this representation that I remind myself to “be well”. Home or (most especially) in a situation where I’m suuuper far away and alone, where everything will get to me and where I’ll miss and look for so much and just want to think and feel better, this is the well-being I hold true for myself.

In the context of society—where technology is rapidly advancing, people create and share their ideas, beliefs, etc. (Hermans, 2015), and the relationships of people (globalization) are deepening or drifting apart, it’s more than necessary to go through life while maintaining a sense of well-being to ensure that the self won’t drift away or otherwise, the loob won’t flourish. There’s a deeper sense in each individual, and it’s something that should be recognized. This is most especially the case if one wants to develop a sense of self in society—what it means to be an individual amongst individuals. Bringing my necklaces with me and leaving my bracelet behind is what gives value to myself (my personal) and the rest of what I’ll be away from (my social). They are what ties up my soul, my loob, to the rest of the world… which is one of the things loob is: within oneself but an entirely different universe of connections and relationships (Alejo, n.d.). If I can’t hang these things and ideas or attach them to the innermost parts of me, then I’ll attach it to my physical: my neck and my wrist. 

Before I close out my post, I’d like to end with this quote and note:

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.” Life is not measured by the quantity we get in our lives, but by the quality we put in it and in ourselves. The self is a journey within and beyond.

References:

Alejo, Albert. In Press. Ang Loob ng Tao. Social Transformations: Journal of the Global South.

Batja Mesquita, Michael Boiger, Jozefien De Leersnyder. (2016). The cultural construction of emotions, Current Opinion in Psychology, 8: Pages 31-36, ISSN 2352-250X, http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2015.09.015.

Foucault, M. (1986). The cultivation of the self. In The Care of the Self (Vol. 3 of the History of Sexuality, pp. 37-69). NY: Pantheon Books.

Gross, J.J. (2008). Emotion regulation. In M. Lewis, J.M. Haviland-Jones, and L.F. Barrett (eds.), Handbook of emotions (pp. 497-512). New York: The Guilford Press. Foucault, M. (1986). The cultivation of the self. In The Care of the Self (Vol. 3 of the History of Sexuality, pp. 37-69). NY: Pantheon Books.

Hermans, H. (2015). Human development in today’s globalizing world: Implications for self and identity. In L. Jensen (Ed.), The Oxford Handbook of Human Development and Culture: An Interdisciplinary Perspective (Ch. 3, pp. 28-42). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

Williams, M., Teasdale, J., Segal, Z., & Kabat-Zinn, J. (2007). Part I: Mind, Body, and Emotion. In The mindful way through depression: Freeing yourself from chronic unhappiness (pp. 11-49). New York: The Guilford Press.

Picture background: https://www.freepik.com/free-photos-vectors/museum

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Stepping into the Unfamiliar

Article by: Frances Lim

Being placed in an entirely new environment is no easy task. Though stepping out of our comfort zones can be an avenue where we can develop new ideas and allow ourselves to grow, it can also be detrimental to our well-being, especially if we do not possess the proper mindset for such undertaking. To me, our well-being involves a healthy state of one’s physical, mental, and emotional self. These three aspects of the self are essential because they work hand in hand in influencing our behavior and consequently, the people and environment around us. Therefore, if I were to step out of my comfort zone, I must first prepare myself emotionally, mentally, and physically. Doing so allows me to ultimately enhance my well-being rather than harming it.

My first step is to understand the situation at hand by identifying the characteristics of a foreign place and how I feel about the unfamiliarity. First, an entirely new environment signifies a change in people, culture, and even the physical surroundings. These cultural and physical changes can be either minimal or drastic, which is called a psychological distance. According to Hermans, a greater psychological distance can lead to depression, suicidal thoughts, or identity confusion while lesser psychological distances make it easier for an individual to integrate new values into their own. Moreover, greater psychological distances bring forth exclusionary reactions, which means one purposely neglects and denies new values and beliefs; and integrative reactions wherein one is able to create a positive intercultural effect. Between these two, I want to react in an integrative manner no matter how great or little the psychological distance is. I wish to possess a hybrid identity wherein elements of both local and global cultures are positively combined.

With this, I would want to bring an object that reminds me of my local identity, but at the same time, reminds me to be open to new ideas as well – an important mindset for such kind of experience. Knowing that the self is constructed by multiple I-positions, I am aware that I am a Filipino who values her relationships with others, as well as the pursuit of my individual goals in life. Therefore, I have decided to bring with me my favorite pair of shoes because it reminds me of where I came from, as well as where I wish to go in life.

The photo attached showcases the pair of shoes given to me by my father as a reward for getting good grades. He bought it during one of our yearly family trips abroad. These shoes are meaningful to me as it reminds me of the values my family believe in - hard work and love for one another. As it was given to me as a reward for an achievement, it is seen how my family and I give importance to working towards our goals. I was taught to aim high not only in my academics, but in life as a whole. Additionally, I am reminded of how we should not be afraid of showing our love and compassion to the people around us, even in simple ways. My dad, being a Chinese-Filipino, is not the type to openly express his affection for his children. Instead, he would show his love for us through his actions and gift-giving. I grew up valuing love and hard work too, since my self can be seen as a mini-society that is influenced by external factors like my family and the Filipino culture. Consequently, this reminds me of the comforts of my home.

Aside from this, I also believe that shoes can symbolize moving forward in life. Given an experience like this, I want to bring myself to greater heights through exposing myself to various learning opportunities. I can do this by being open and engaging in dialogical relationships with diverse sets of people. Being with the same people at all times may allow us to breed connection with each other as explained by the Hermans’ concept of homophily, but learning is not complete without communicating with people who possess dissimilar views and values through heterophilic relationships. Heterophilic relationships enhance creativity and innovation as a whole. However, misunderstandings may arise due to the differences, therefore I will always keep in mind the concepts of fast and slow thinking as introduced by Kahneman. Kahneman explains that our System 1 is embedded with biases and impulses that cause us to judge others, therefore being surrounded by people of different cultures entails a better understanding of others that is facilitated by System 2. System 2 also allows me to stay firm with my own beliefs, choices, and decisions, yet help me to overcome the biases of System 1. By doing so, I will be able to optimize my learnings from this experience as I am able to strike a balance between the local and global identities, and learning how to overcome the biases that come with these differences. By understanding others, I can detect which values and practices I would like to adapt and integrate to my own self.

Of course, feelings of fear and excitement come into play too when thinking about being alone in an unfamiliar place. Leaving behind my family and friends is a big step, especially for me since I have never experienced being away from home. These thoughts trigger feelings of nostalgia and sadness, both for myself, and for the people I left behind. If I were to give them an object while I am away, I would send them my childhood locket. This locket has been something I cherished and loved over the years because it symbolizes how important my family is to me, and this is the message I want to impart to them. Even if the locket does not show a complete family photo, I chose it because it signifies that I am thinking about them, no matter how far apart we may be. Also, I want them to know that even if it seems like we are growing apart physically, we are growing closer together because being away reaffirms me of my local identity - I become more aware of where I came from as I discover newer identities.

As I thought about being alone in a place far away from home, I already feel saddened. Williams explains in his work how our mind automatically relates our thoughts and feelings to experiences in the past where we felt the same way, which is why negative thoughts can drag us down further into unhappiness, or even depression. Our feelings lead to thoughts which affect our physical health and our behavior as well. This explains why I already felt sadness even with just the thought of leaving my family and friends and even a bit weak on the outside. Our minds automatically associates it with other negative experiences from the past while also affecting our bodily functions. Due to this, I realized that I need to be more mindful of my thought process to avoid bringing down my self-esteem, and more importantly, my well-being. Being mindful is necessary if I were to be in a different place as it helps me be more thankful of the present experiences and be aware of things that I usually ignore. It allows me to accept things as how they are rather than how I want them to be, and this acceptance will help me become a better and ultimately happier person.

All in all, possessing the right mindset through understanding the situation will allow me to practice a certain way of thinking, which will help me regulate my emotions and consequently, my behavior. This is important because we are not only influenced by the world as we too can change society through our very own actions. Because of this, it is necessary that our thoughts, feelings, and behavior contributes to our general well-being, since the well-being of one can affect the well-being of all; and this perfectly describes the two-way relationship between the self and our society.

Sources:

Hermans, H. (2015). Human development in today’s globalizing world: Implications for self and identity. In L. Jensen (Ed.), The Oxford Handbook of Human Development and Culture: An Interdisciplinary Perspective (Ch. 3, pp. 28-42). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

Kahneman, D. (2011). The characters of the story. In Thinking, fast and slow (Ch. 1, pp. 19-30. New York: Farrar, Straus, and Giroux.

Williams, M., Teasdale, J., Segal, Z., & Kabat-Zinn, J. (2007). Part I: Mind, Body, and Emotion. In The mindful way through depression: Freeing yourself from chronic unhappiness (pp. 11-49). New York: The Guilford Press.

Gross, J.J. (2008). Emotion regulation. In M. Lewis, J.M. Haviland-Jones, and L.F. Barrett (eds.), Handbook of emotions (pp. 497-512). New York: The Guilford Press

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Yumi Mariano

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Frances Lim

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Ginny Puno

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Ica Mercado