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Post-Trip Reflections

It is almost surreal to be blogging from my home in New Jersey, from a computer, with extreme jetlag, etc. I cannot stop thinking about how lucky I am to have had the 3 weeks that I did, how proud I am of myself for making that leap, and how humbled I am by everyone I met and everything we did together. I want to make some post-trip reflections on my goals, backpacking life, and Thai culture.

Goals

My dad asked me today if I felt like I accomplished what I set out to. 3 weeks ago, I set three goals for myself and I can definitely say that I accomplished them.

to meet other travelers with similar interests

This goal was easily met. Just by being a solo backpacker, I automatically had something in common with every person I met at a hostel. See below for some comments on the typical backpacker and qualities we share.

to go way outside of my comfort zone

This goal was HUGE for me and the hardest to accomplish. I had to push myself to great lengths and hypnotize myself to feel differently about what I was afraid of. The best part is that I did all of this in a FOREIGN COUNTRY!!!! Insane.

I had a limited itinerary.

If you know me, you know I'm super Type A. I love plans, organization, etc. I forced myself to go into this trip with a very loose structure and to not plan more than 24 hours ahead. The only issue I had because of this was having to make an unintended stopover in Chiang Mai when I was planning on being in Bangkok. Even so, I came out of this trip with a live-in-the-now mindset. I don't want to plan too far ahead. I don't want to follow a social clock. I don't want to get stuck in a structure. I'm still Type A, but I can feel my Type B creepin' on and I'm LOVING it.

I got drunk.

I'm not afraid of getting drunk, but I am afraid of something bad happening to me and having no one to help me or to watch out for me. Inhibiting my senses in a foreign city made me very nervous, but I reminded myself to trust the people I was with and to keep my guard up in an altered state of mind.

I rode a motorcycle.

I've been very afraid of motorcycles for as long as I can remember. I think they are death machines on wheels. But, I learned how to ride one, I totaled one, and I was a passenger on one for a ride on one of the most dangerous roads in the world. I'm still a nervous passenger, but I will get back on a bike someday.

I got my open water scuba certification.

I've been terrified of water since I was younger and a wave caught me at the beach. I couldn't breathe for a few seconds, I got a mouth full of sand, and I resented the ocean. It takes a lot out of me to go in deep ocean water. Additionally, anxiety gives me enough problems breathing to begin with, so being underwater with no control yet total control over breathing is terrifying to me. However, I didn't flinch. I jumped into the water for my first dive with (feigned) ease and I was constantly calming myself

I jumped off of an unattended cliff.

 My parents always taught me to be cautious around water and I'm scared of it anyway, so jumping off the cliff at the waterfall was so difficult for me. I panicked. I stood at the top of the rock I had just scaled and I didn't think I could get the courage to jump. But I did. I talked myself into it, I leaned on and trusted the friends I'd made, and I jumped into a mysterious pool of water. Hitting the cold at the bottom gave me a rush and I was shaking for 20 minutes. Taking a chance is exhilarating.

to increase self-confidence and excitement about who I am

This is a very hard thing to do no matter where you are or what you're doing. I'm a very confident person on the outside but, on the inside, I struggle with some of the flaws I found in myself. I told myself that on this trip, I would unapologetically be myself. If I wanted to take charge and make a plan, I would do it. If I was in a bad mood and wanted to sulk, I would do it. If I wanted to shout and dance like a mad woman, I would do it. If I felt anxious and needed to cry, I would do it. I did not hold back and I let myself feel the highest highs and lowest lows of my entire life.

Something I've been struggling with on a very personal level is the notion of gender roles and, particularly, body hair. I haven't shaved my legs since September and my armpits for 2-3 months. Every single day I look in the mirror and I cringe, but that is why I'm growing it out. Body hair is natural and beautiful. There is no reason a man should be accepted for his body hair when a woman is expected to shave every day. I didn't bring/buy a razor on my trip because I wanted to push myself to be all natural and love who I am unconditionally. What I found on this trip is that backpackers simply accept other backpackers as they are. I never felt judged or looked at because of my hair. In fact, I felt even more powerful and special. I met other hairy travelers and I talked to men and women who regarded body hair as a sign of confidence. I don't plan on shaving anytime soon and I would love to talk about this in more detail with anyone who is interested.

Core Characteristics of the Solo Backpacker

It takes a very special kind of person to backpack a foreign country, especially solo. In all of the people I met doing the same thing as me, I found some common characteristics that made me love and respect them deeply. I am so lucky to have met people with all of these qualities and to have been able to foster these qualities in myself with their support and love.

Independent

The solo backpacker is fiercely independent. They do not rely wholly on anyone (unless, like me, you rely on your mom figuring out to how to a cash advance with a credit card at a foreign bank). They are not afraid to do things alone, whether it be going for a walk or taking a day trip.

Adventurous

Unless you're going to stay in your hostel all day, solo backpacking calls for a sense of adventure. You have to be ready to explore the unknown and do some wild stuff if you want to have fun! Solo travelers are up for anything.

Trusting

Aside from the fact that you leave your life (a backpack) unattended in a hostel for hours/days at a time, going solo means relying on a good faith principle among backpackers. Doing any kind of activity with other backpackers requires trusting in your companions and being someone your companions can trust.

Outgoing

If you're going to backpack solo, there's a lot of potential for loneliness. The cure for this is being able to reach out to others and make conversations. I think a quiet backpacker would have a great time abroad, but it's definitely easier if you are outgoing.

Reflections on the Thai Life

Though I haven't seen most of the world, I am sure that Thailand is a very unique country. It is certainly a third-world country, in the sense that they lack proper sewage (you can't flush toilet paper and most toilets are just two footsteps and a hole in the ground), have issues with infrastructure (99% of places don't have central air or unlimited accessed hot water), and people live in small, crowded, metal houses. I was constantly amazed by the prices ($ 1 for a meal, $6 for an hour massage, etc.) and how, despite the living conditions seeming pretty dull to me, Thai people are some of the happiest I've ever met. I think Thailand operates on three principles:

trust (ex: you could leave a bag of valuables on the street for days and come back to it with everything still there [not that I did that or would do it...])

respect (ex: every profession, every way of life is respected)

patience (ex: you are never given a bill at a restaurant, you ask for it when you're ready)

These three principles operate together to make Thailand an excellent place for me to have gone as a first-time solo traveler. Thai people, pushy as they could be, had warm hearts and a great sense of humor. I highly recommend this destination and the surrounding countries to any backpacker, experienced or not.

Conclusion

I am so proud of myself for doing this trip when I felt like the odds were stacked against me. If I have inspired you to blog, I am so happy we can share this outlet. If I have inspired you to take your first solo trip, I am thrilled that my passion is now yours and hopeful that my lessons/mistakes can help you plan your travels. If I have inspired you to try something new, I cannot wait to hear about how liberated you feel once you cross over that initial hump. Your dreams are closer in reach than you may feel. As I said in a previous blog post, get the hell out there and make it work. I'm rooting for you.

[sarmtravels-blog]

Day 21, Bangkok: bye!!!

Thai expesssion of the day: jer gan maí. It means see you again later 👋🏼💕 I woke up at 7:30 today, well before my alarm. I decided to seize the morning and go for a walk around the neighborhood. The hostel was tucked on the outskirts of a really authentic Thai block, so there was a lot to see. I walked the streets, pretty much just looking at people going about their regular morning business. I got iced coffee and caramel toast for 45 Baht (about $1) and let myself get a bit lost. I wanted one last breath of the sights, the sounds, the smells. At the hostel, I relaxed for a few hours downstairs and decided to leave around 10:30 for the airport (flight at 1:40). I guess you could say that's pushing it, but I've become so bored of waiting around in airports. I took a 45 Baht sky train directly to the airport which was a bit uncomfortable because my bag is so heavy, but a taxi was going to be 2-300 Baht and I like doing things the local way.  At the airport, they made me check my bag (ugh). I got through to the gate by 12:00, boarding at 13:00. I think that's perfect timing. I sat down for my last meal at a cheap Thai place in the airport. It was a quick flight to Hong Kong (2 hours) but the flight was delayed, leaving me 25 minutes to catch my flight to Newark. In Hong Kong, an attendant was waiting for everyone who had my connecting flight and she took us to the gate. That flight was a little delayed too, so it worked out. I slept for like 12 hours of the flight which was amazing. My dad picked me up at Newark, and so my trip comes to an end. My last thailand post will be a post-trip reflection coming this week!

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Day 20, Chiang Mai and Bangkok: going out with a bang

Click here to see pictures from Bangkok! Alarms went off at 8:00ish this morning. Me, Georgia and Evan got our stuff together and grabbed a songtaew to the airport. It was an easy check-in process, nothing like yesterday. I had an hour and a half to chill out so I got a coffee, booked a hostel in Bangkok, talked to Matilda about her plans today, etc. It felt good to have some relaxed time with a set plan. Only complaint was the lady next to me painting her nails in the airport, but I respect the hustle. The airline was definitely Thai budget (think Spirit in the US) but they gave our free, nicely packaged food so I can't complain. I got my stuff and made a plan to get my hostel. I went to look for the bus to Mo Chit BTS, which I found quite easily. I took the bus (for the first time) to the BTS station and rode the BTS to the station near my hostel. I found the hostel with ease just by following written directions. I was pretty proud, I must say. At the Siam Journey Guesthouse, I was greeted by Sunny, a really nice Indian man. It turned out that he lived in Carteret, NJ for 10 years and Philly for 7 years and he was familiar with both of my homes! He showed me to my bed and I relaxed for a hot sec. I walked to meet Matilda at MBK Center (a big shopping plaza). I asked a Thai man on the street if I was going the right way and he said, "yes, follow me to MBK." His legs were twice as long as mine and his gait twice as fast but I kept up with him. The walk to MBK took 8 minutes instead of a leisurely 20. I thanked the dude for taking me and I opted not to comment on his speed. Matilda and I found each other in the maze of a mall and got lunch. We walked around the centers for a few hours, exploring shops. Our little spree culminated in a 1.5-hour spa treatment: tea and a hand towel, foot wash in a fancy basin, foot masssage/reflexology in a giant recliner, head massage, back and shoulder massage in a massage chair (instead of the usual mattress on a floor), and tea and a cookie. All of this for 850 Baht ($24) a person, and I can only imagine this would have cost $150+ in the states. I was feelin brand-spankin' new. We went back to my hostel for a sec and then wakes around the corner for some Halal food. The owner had to make me something off the menu but it ended up being one of my best meals here. We went back to my place again and got a tuktuk to Khao San. The tuktuk was in standstill traffic for quite a while and we were close to our destination so we decided to hop out. When we got to the intersection ahead, there were no cars moving and hordes of people were at a standstill. No one was in the street. We stood quietly and a few minutes later, a few cars drove by. Traffic was resumed. We're still not sure what that was about. We had some drinks (including a bucket) and walked around and danced a little. It was just me and Matilda, but Evan and Georgia joined us around 22:15. Evan got a beer tower and we all shared it. Here's where the night gets weird. We had heard about Thailand's famous ping pong shows and we had some idea of what they were but we hadn't yet been to one. On khao San road, people scream at you PING PONG PING PONG to get you to pay them to take you. On a whim, we (me, Matilda, Georgia) decided to YOLO it and go for a show. We got the price to 400 Baht (about $10) with a ride both ways and a beer at the show. The tuktuk driver drove like a total nut and when we got there, he promised he would wait for us. At the show location, it was very hushed. They told us not to take our phones out and to quietly move into the next room. When we did, it looked just like a strip club. We watched the girls do some.. umm... tricks and went home after a drink there. The tuktuk driver was not waiting (of course) so we got a tuktuk back to Khao San to look for evan. We couldn't find him there (of course) so we got a pad Thai, watched a super sick dance crew, and parted ways. Back at the hostel, 2 dudes were up watching a movie. I talked to one guy from Australia who's been traveling for a bit now and he showed me pictures from Everest base camp. I put that way on the top of my bucket list. Around 2:30, I went to sleep.

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An Open Thank-You to the People I Met Along the Way

To every traveler, every group of friends, every bunkmate, every biker, every fellow backpacker I met in my 3 weeks in Thailand: Thank you. I have been blessed to meet the most wonderful, encouraging, kindhearted, selfless people along the way. In Bangkok, you taught me about low-budget finds and kindness, about being humbled by the citizens of this city with its own special buzz. You oriented me in a foreign country, a foreign continent, and I will carry your advice with me in all my travels. In Koh Samui, you showed me what it means to conquer my fears in a safe way and to trust myself and others who I do not know well, to trust my gut in the pursuit of adventure, to have a clear head in an uncomfortable situation. You gave me a leg up over my first big obstacle and I will always be grateful for that push. In Koh Phangan, you modeled what it means to have fun, to not worry about tomorrow and to live in the moment. You shared the power of positivity and calmness when I was afraid of independence. You showed unconditional caring when I found myself in situations less than ideal. You cleaned my wounds, external and internal, and you made me feel unbroken after a series of messes. You nudged me to try new things, and I will never forget your high spirits that lasted all day and all night. In Koh Tao, you took a literal plunge with me into a great unknown. You held my hand when I was slipping, supported me on land and at sea, emitting contagious excitement and such innocent wonder with every dive. You reminded me about deep breaths and the beauty of taking it slow. We conquered a new world together, gained a life skill by which we will be bonded by eternally. In Chiang Mai, you accepted me instantly when I found myself alone again. You followed me, stuck by me, carried me for miles and miles by motorbike as I chased an unsure dream. You danced for hours with me, you ate ants with me, you talked until sunrise with me, you jumped meters with me, you went on a wild 3-day journey with me. Your sense of adventure will not be lost in my heart. In Pai, you became my family. They warn you not to fall in love when you travel, but I fell in love with every single one of you. We turned an unfinished bungalow into a modest, personalized home. You encouraged me to take a leap of faith when I found myself helplessly terrified. You sat around fires with me, forgetting time and place, embracing the moment with open arms. You watched me as I gasped in awe at the creativity in this world. You reminded me how liberating it is to just be, to be yourself, to be a friend, to exist communally. We had a short time together, but with every curve in the road, you twisted closer and closer to my heart. I believe in the passion, the drive, the generosity, the teamwork in every single one of you. Thank you for being my family. Thailand, I leave you stronger, bolder happier, braver, more bruised and more independent than I was when I arrived. You have stirred my soul and awakened my spirit with gestures of trust and adventure. I'll be back soon. Sam

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Day 19, Pai & Chiang Mai: an unexpected stopover

Click here to see pictures from Pai! Okay, when did last-minute travel stop being a thing?! Since when was it that hard to go to an airport or train station and say, "put me on the next one!" Today's saga revolves around banking on unplanned travel and taking the L repeatedly. This morning, I woke up and everyone was saying goodbye to Younes. We did our Motorcycle Gang handshake one last time (all hands in the center, "ITS MORPHIN TIME") and he left. We spent the next hour cleaning the bungalow and talking to Sam and Joy about how they can make their place popular. We took one last picture and Sam took our bags into town in his truck. Me, Georgia, and evan decided to head to Chiang mai for the over night train to Bangkok. Evan and Georgia would bike back and I would take a van. Once we got to the travel place around 12:30, our big plans of one last meal together were squashed. I realized I would have to take a 13:30 bus to make the night train and Evan and Georgia would also have to leave sooner than planned. I said some incredibly tough goodbyes to Zach, Florian, Silver, Carlena and Jimmy. These people became my family, my rocks, my main contributors to the best week of my life. How could I leave them?! I felt sad all morning and for a lot of today because Pai was my last real destination but I dont want to waste my last hours here. Meks and I ended up taking the van together. I was super nauseous because the road from Chiang Mai to Pai is all steep curves and drivers here have no chill, but I popped a Dramamine and slept it off. I said bye to Meks back in Chiang Mai and, quite conveniently, evan and Georgia arrived st the same time as me. We took a songtaew to the train station where the lady told us that for the 10-hour ride to Bangkok, there were no beds left, only seats. We all agreed that sounded horrible, so we took another songtaew to the airport to try to get a flight for that night. Everything was fully booked, even for early the next day, so we put our names on standby and hung out at the airport for a few hours. More flights started to sell out for tomorrow and we had no hope for standby, so we decided to stay in Chiang mai for the night and book flights for the morning. By some glimpse of fate, I found a flight with one seat and they found a flight with two, both at the same time. Bless up. We took a short taxi ride to At Lanna Hostel and chatted with Hugo from Montreal who is also here in passing as he is headed to an overnight meditation retreat tomorrow. We all got into bed pretty quickly and the lights were off by 22:00. Georgia and evan plan on going to the airport at 8:30 for a 10:40 flight, but security hardly takes any time here and I'm exhausted so I'll wake up a bit later. I have no idea where I'll stay or what I'll do tomorrow, but couchsurfing is way at the top of my list. That, and sharing a bed in a fancy hotel with Matilda. Has anyone had a successful experience traveling this last minute?

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Day 17, Pai: one chill day

Click here to see pictures from Pai! We got a late start to the day today. I woke up around 10:30 and we headed into town for some breakfast. For some reason, we were all craving Mexican food so we went to a little place to get burritos and quesadillas. I think something was up with the food, though, because everyone seemed to feel sick except me. We headed back to the bungalow to relax for a bit and the day turned into everyone splitting off and doing their own thing. I stared my afternoon with a Thai massage. I've developed a real appreciation for those kinds of massages because they're a real art. It kinda hurt but I was already in pain from so much time on the motorbike. We went to get some food after and settled on a little Thai place tucked in the woods where the food was cheap and not so delicious but we got no name! I took another little nap at the hostel and woke up at 18:00 to catch the sunset from the roof of our bungalow. Around 19:00, we went into town to check out the night market again. The stalls are incredible, selling everything from homemade jewelry and bags and clothes to little souvenirs to the widest array of foods. We also got a bunch of decorations for the roof of our bungalow as a sort of christening ceremony. Back at the bungalow, we decorated and set up the roof to throw a little party. It was me, Zach, Jimmy, Georgia, Evan, Florian, Carlena, Mi, Younes, Silver, Meks, 2 girls we met at a tattoo shop earlier that day, and Nate. We chilled on the roof for a few hours, and at midnight we got out a cake for Younes's birthday and sang happy birthday. I went to bed shortly after that, but everyone else went out to the bar for a bit. No FOMO was induced in the making of these plans.

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Day 18, Pai: Lod Cave

Click here to see pictures from Pai! My alarm went off at 9:30 because I knew I wanted to get the day started early. Everyone got up and got dressed, too. We went to a cafe we had heard about that was down the roads called Earth Tones. It was entirely vegan and vegetarian so I was feeling blessed. The place had a really chill vibe where the owners encouraged everyone to share tables and start conversation. Gwendolyn from Germany sat with us and we chatted with her. People got the most amazing foods: herbal shakes and pesto dips and tempeh sandwiches. Younes and I rode into town to see how much it would cost to get a taxi to Lod Cave. The ride looked like it would be about 1hr 15min and we didn't have enough people comfortable driving motorcycles to take bikes. It was going to cost a lot of money for a taxi, so luckily it worked out that one more driver wanted to come and one less passenger wanted to come so we had the right amount of people to bike. I rode with Younes, Georgia rode with Florian and Meks rode solo. About halfway through the ride, we saw a rest stop and got off the bikes. I got some tiny baked sweet potatoes and we wandered around the complex. We found a giant 4-prong ferris wheel made with swings and we had to stop and play. It took a lot of time, but we got 4 people on at the same time, swinging around. The rest of the drive was hairpin curves. At one point, I had to get off the bike so Younes could walk it up a hill that the bike couldn't make because we were so much weight. At the cave, I grabbed some banana chips and we paid 200 Baht each for a tour guide and went inside. We went up into 3 different caves and the guides pointed out some rock look-alikes in broken English. We had 2 rides on bamboo rafts through the caves and there were so many fish on either side in the water. The hikes into the caves were really steep and really exhausting but well worth it. My least favorite part? The ladderish stairs with handrails absolutely covered in bat poop. We got back on the bikes and started driving through a small village. We stopped at a tiny restaurant for the usual rice/noodles. We were so lucky to catch the most amazing view of the sunrise on our way home and we stopped to take some pictures. It was only 30 minutes back to the bungalow and the view was incredible. We hung out at home for a bit and headed into town around 19:30. Jimmy and I got some shawarma/falafel and met everyone at a tattoo shop. The market was much, MUCH quieter than it had been the lag few days which wasn't ideal because I wanted to buy more stuff. Carlena and I got some quick massages and for the next few hours, we all wandered a bit aimlessly with the tattoo shop as home base. Jimmys friend told us they were waking up early to watch Steelers vs Patriots at 6:40am and we all decided we super down to do that. A word about travel in northern Thailand:

The only good way to get around here is by motorbike- and we all know what happened last time I rode a motorbike

Because of that and some previous fears about motorcycles, I am a nervous wreck as a passenger and I refuse to get back on a bike

All of this makes it very difficult for me to get around in northern Thailand... EVERYONE here rides bikes and taxis are very expensive

I've been experiencing cabin fever even though we leave the bungalow to do things every day. I hate the fact that I can't get myself around, like I've been able to in other places where public transportation actually works well

The obvious solution is to get my act together and start riding again.... but I'm finding it really hard to do

I'm leaving to go back to Bangkok tomorrow, but riding a motorcycle is a long-term goal

[sarmtravels-blog]

Day 16, Pai: belonging

Click here to see pics from Pai! This morning, we woke up before the sun to ride 3 hours to Pai, a village/town that is popular with a lot of backpackers in northern Thailand. I rode with Silver, Carlena rode with Evan, Georgia rode with Florian, and Meks and Jimmy rode alone. As per usual, we made a bunch of stops along the way. A couple stops stand out to me. The first was a random stall on the side of the highway about an hour in where we are sticky rice that was cooked in bamboo with coconut and beans/sesame. We made stops at random viewpoints to see how far we'd driven up and the scenes were breathtaking. We stopped at a "rest stop" that had the greenest grass and bluest skies and we did yoga and tumbled and laughed for a while. On the roads in Pai headed to our bungalow, we were right next to people riding elephants which was really cool but sad (I don't support that industry). At the bungalow, we met Joy and Sam, the owners. They were so friendly and smiley and chill. Sam is from England and he came to Pai on a trip 10 years ago, met Joy, and decided to stay. tobuilt the bungalow, a humble 2-floor, 8-bedroom building made of wood and bamboo with a rooftop terrace. They told us we were their first-ever guests. Sam showed us around town and we got food, our bags, some booze/a cooler, and whatever supplies we needed that we didn't have. Joy and Sam told us about an art party happening later in the night and we were very curious. Sam took us to the party site. It was easily the most amazing place I've ever been. Set back in the woods, it's a clearing with a place for a band, swings, plants, etc. next to an art school. We went in the school and met Marcel, who talked about some art on the wall and explained to us that they have this project they do where you can "finish" a piece of art. There are paintings hanging on a wall and you can take one to finish. The person who started and the one who finished write a small blurb about it. I was in awe with that concept and the ideas all around me. We posted up at the hostel for a bit. Zach joined us, as did Younes from Germany and Mi from Thailand (2 people we met st the canyon and invited to join us). After resting, most of us went to a nearby waterfall for a swim. It was about a 25-minute bike ride and  5-minute hike up to  the part where you could swim. The water was 8•C (freeeeezing) and it took me a while to get in. I watched from the side while everyone climbed up a rock and jumped into the pool that the waterfall formed. Finally, I submerged myself into what felt like ice water and swam over to the rock. I climbed to the top with a bit of encouragement and once I got up, I froze. I could not move; I was petrified of the jump. It took what felt like 10 minutes for me to jump and I had no idea why I was so scared. I was shaking for a while after I jumped and just tried to ignore it. Jimmy and I walked back to the bikes and waited for everyone but no one came for a while. Some Swedes we met referred us to a cool village up the road, so we biked another 5 minutes. The village was a vast expanse of rice fields with bamboo walkways over them. We saw a group of kids playing soccer in the middle of the field as we walked the paths. After a few minutes, Younes came to retrieve us in hopes that we would all get back in time to catch the sunset from our roof. Instead, we caught sunset on the ride home and then we sat on the roof for a bit.We decided to go into the town to get some food. The place we went to made food incredibly slowly because the guy made dishes one at a time, but the food was AMAZING. We biked back to the bungalow, got ready to party, and drank a bit. We were able to walk to the art party. Every single star in the sky was out and it was a bit funny seeing the Big Dipper upside down. The art party was a gathering of every wild child in the area. We got there around 22:00, right in time for a drum circle and fire twirling thing that lasted an hour. We did some drum circle dancing with our legs and arms flying to the beat. Sam and joy were dancing, too. At one point, a tiny Thai lady with bells and a white man with  a fire stick went head to head and things got spiritual. A band came on and I walked around the clearing, talking to people and looking at the homemade art and jewelry. I bought a beautiful quartz necklace. My favorite part of the night was going into the art school and sitting with a litle girl from Spain. Her name was Manima and she was 9 years old. we talked about our lives and shared some stories about our families. I kept telling her how wonderful her painting was and she kept telling me how much fun she was having. I've never had an experince so pure and so humbling. In talking to people, it seemed that no one really cared about time or place. They were so comfortable existing in the moment and it was very powerful and liberating. We sat on the ground for a while with Olivia from Connecticut. She had a steel drum and she played some stunning melodies with it, letting us take turns, too. We all fell in love with her. Afterward, Sam took us to a place called Don't Cry in his pickup truck. We laughed and sang like idiots on the ride there. Things got good when Georgia and I started a sing-along to Bohemian Rhapsody. Don't Cry was big, open-air Rasta bar that was packed. I sat around a fire with people and shared French fries with some Canadian people. We talked to a couple who met 2 days ago and they're getting married tomorrow. The story made no sense- she couldn't talk when they met because her throats was so sore and he fell in love with her on site. He was so happy telling me that story and even  happier watching his bride-to-be and her maid of honor making out. Confused. Jimmy and I walked 1.5km back to the bungalow. I wanted to take a shower when I got back but the water was freezing so I just didn't. Today was such a good day.

[sarmtravels-blog]

Day 15, Chiang Mai: Grand Canyon

Click here for pictures from Chiang Mai! I woke up early today with a smile on my face because yesterday was so amazing. We lounged around for a few hours and grabbed breakfast at a little cafe. As much as I try to avoid dairy, it's really difficult but my body is sure to let me know when I've had it. I wanted to play again today so we made the move to rent bikes again around noon. I had heard of a place near the city called the Grand Canyon and I rallied everyone I knew in the area to come with us there. By the time all was said and done, we had a group of 11 bikes (19 people) coming on the trip. The party was made up of everyone from yesterday plus 5 of jimmys friends from Canada and 3 guys we met at the hostel that morning. It's really hard to keep a group that size together but alas, I was appointed navigator of the group and Jimmy and I did our best to make sure everyone was always there. We were only 5 minutes away from the hostel, stopped at a gas station, when we noticed half the group missing. Silver called us and said that his bike has literally no gas, so we filled up cans we found in the recycling with petrol and biked it back. Ratchet. It worked, and we departed for the canyon around 14:00. It was only 30 minutes away but we were a big and hungry group so we stopped at a random restaurant on the highway. The workers didn't speak much English and didn't have a formal menu, so Jimmy and I talked with them for a while trying to write our own menu of 4 options for the group to choose from. We all ended up with some form of noodles in water. After a long meal, we went to the canyon. It was beautiful. It resembled more of a waterpark where you can go to certain parts to do certain things. We headed right for the cliff jump- 7m into 25m water. Most of us jumped twice. The worst part was the climb back up the cliff- a sketchy rope ladder thing that took all of my energy to climb. We chilled in the fresh water as the sun started to set over the canyon. We made a plan to leave to drive to Pai (a very popular village for backpackers) at 5:30 the next morning to catch the sunrise on the 3 hour drive. We went back to our respective hostels to pack our bags and shower and relax. Around 21:00, Jimmy and I took our bags and Carlena's bag in a tuktuk to a place where you can rent bikes to drive to Pai and they'll take your bags for you there the day you drive there. Everyone else was there renting bikes and dropping off their bags, too. We parked the bikes at Brick and went to a a place that said VEGAN in bright lights. The carnivorous bunch struggled a bit but  I had a huge salad. We went to the night market to grab some stuff and went back for a good night's sleep. Thoughts:

Time is moving way too quickly now. I can feel the hands of the clock crunching down on me

I've been trying out this thing where I make everything positive. For example, Zach ordered something st dinner and got a dish he hates instead and was not able to send it back. I said, how lucky are you to be able to get a hot meal without  breaking the bank?!

We were all discussing how good the past few days have been and how they just keep getting better... I like this pattern

[sarmtravels-blog]

Day 14, Chiang Mai: destination

Click here to see pictures from Chiang Mai! These past 24ish hours have been so incredibly amazing. This morning, we all woke up around 8:00 and me, Taka from Japan/Canada, Carlena from Oregon, Sophia from Germany and Florian from Germany went for a quick sidewalk breakfast. I got buttered toast and creamy coffee ~justveganthings~. We went back to the hostel to rent bikes for the day. Taka, Florian and Jimmy from Canada agreed to ride bikes and have the three girls as passengers. We got the bikes and went to Brick Hostel where my friends from Koh Phangan were staying. Evan, Zach, and Meks from England got solo bikes and Silver from England took Georgia on his back. I really wanted to go to Doi Inthanon National Park because I had seen a very specific picture of a view that I wanted to find, so I had a goal set for the group. Everyone was super into helping me find the spot trough the day. Florian and I led the pack and I was navigator. It was awesome having Florian drive because he's super fast and a bit reckless and our bike was nuts but he still made me feel safe. We drove about an hour and a half on highways and pulled off at a place that looked cool. It was a bunch of food stands, a waterfall, a stream with places to sit, a temple, etc. the area was so remote and beautiful. We spent an hour or two climbing rocks and eating lunch. We weren't supposed to go on the waterfall but we went anyway. For lunch, Sophia and I shared Pad Thai as this tiny little place in the forest. Halfway through eating, we looked a bit closer at the food and realized we'd been eating ants the entire time. See below: We kept driving up the mountain and made a few stops along the way, including paying to enter the national park at a checkpoint, filling up our gas tanks in a village and pulling off to make sure everyone was caught up. The ride itself was gorgeous, flying through the trees, half expecting the motorcycle to give up on us. At the top of the mountain, there was a restaurant and and souvenir shop. A nice guy gave us some free apples to snack on. The summit is the highest point in the country, clocking in at like 2000something meters. It was crazy to think that the other day I was 20m below the sea and today I was so high up. There was a huge group of Asian tourists at the summit and they were all begging for pictures with us and saying Obama to us repeatedly. We took a bunch of photos with them and everyone was in a general state of confusion. At least we had free food. I asked everyone I could where to find the view in my picture. We were led in so many different directions, but the gist was that we had driven too far up and needed to go back down the mountain a bit. We stopped at a nature trail where you had to pay to get in, the Thai national observatory, and a couple other scenic overlooks. I couldn't find my view. Our last stop was the place in the picture I was seeking out. It was a temple complex and it was breathtaking. It was 2 temples set in the mountains with gorgeous colors and etchings, flower gardens stretching in all directions, and a patch of grass where we all laid down and took some time to chill. After an hour or so, we drove back down the mountain for 2 hours to the hostel. The drive was wicked. We were cruising so fast down so many curves with cold winds on us. My favorite part was a stop we made at a local market off the highway about 30 minutes out. They had all kinds of street food but I went for the mega sized carrot and a bag of tomatoes. People had creamed black bean bun things, mystery meats, and spicy mangos. Back in town, a slight miscommunication left me stranded in the street half a mile from the hostel with a dead phone, but I ran back, helmet still on my head. It was a sight for the books. Some people went to grab food but I stayed back for a shower and a nap. We rallied the troops back together to go to Brick. We met the usual crew and a few others there, and we all heard to Zoe in Yellow again. It was another amazing night. We were dancing like crazy. I even saw UD study abroad there! We had such a squad going and we took up so much space in the club room. When Zoe closed at midnight, we walked to another bar called Spicy which was more of an underground spot. Once again, we partied like crazy. Around 1:30, we grabbed some tuktuks back to Brick, and the streets were crawling with insane drunk people hopping on cars and stopping traffic. My started driving without me in it but Jimmy threw me on before it was too late. We walked home from Brick pretty soon after we got there. I'm still glowing from a perfect day. To everyone who was with me for the events that happened today: each one of you is an incredible, adventurous, independent human being. I can't imagine a better group to have shared this day with. I learned about trust, instincts and teamwork in a setting where I was not expecting to do so. I was a bit focused on a destination throughout the ride, but today was truly about the journey and not the endpoint.

[sarmtravels-blog]

Day 13, Chiang Mai: FOMO

You can't get lost if you don't care where you are.

Click here to see pictures from Chiang Mai! Woke up super early to catch our respective ferries. Everyone left around 5:45 for the pier (Tom to Krabi, Georgia and Evan to Chiang mai) and I left a bit later. After the usual 7/11 pit stop, I took the ferry to Koh Samui. It was a 2-hour ride and the rain poured and the waves rocked the ferry up and down. I knew I had to book a hostel before I arrived. Everyone I had met on Koh Phangan was staying at Brick Hostel, which looked amazing. However, in the interest of continuing to meet new people I randomly googled hostels and picked one semi close to Brick. I then slept as much as I could and got a taxi from the Samui pier to the airport. I met Shan from Florida in the taxi and we traded into, but I'm not sure I'll see her again. I waited a long time at the airport, which is an open-air, tropical kinda place with not much to do. They delayed the flight twice and I fell asleep in my chair a few times waiting. We even got on the bus to the plane and they made us get off for another delay. So annoying. The plane ride was nice and easy. I had a window seat and I passed out. We got a meal even though the flight was only 1.5 hours. When I got to Chiang Mai, I took a  taxi to my hostel, The Living Place 2. It's cute and seems to be social enough, costing only $6 a night. JJ showed me to my room and I was kinda disappointed to have my first top bunk so far haha but now I kinda like it. I was exhausted and needed a shower, but I met Sophia from Germany and Florian from Germany and they convinced me to go for a walk. Our hostel is right in the Muslim corner of the city, 2 minutes from the infamous night market and a 10 minute walk from the entrance to the gated city. The three of us walked about 20 minutes to get food, and then Sophia had to go so Florian and I walked back together. We hit up a few temples and shops on the way. I told him I wanted to go to a national park that's about 2 hours away but that I wasn't comfortable driving my own scooter, so he said he wanted to go too and that he'd be happy to have me as a passenger! We asked JJ (the hostel owner) about the park and she said it was a great place to go for a day. I took a nap for a few hours and woke up around 19:00. We had plans in the group chat from the full moon party to get a squad to go to the night market and get a drink after. Zach, Naomi, nate, Georgia and Evan are all in Chiang Mai too. Around 8, I brought Sophia with me to meet the crew at their hostel. Evan and Georgia met 2 Brits on their travels who joined us as well. I told everyone about the national park idea and everyone wane wanted to join. We decided we would leave around 8:30 the next day. With the plan set, we went to the night bazaar with is basically a huuuuuge set up of shops, food, entertainment, etc. All of us bought some things because Chiang mai is the cheapest city we've seen. I found a place called Little Istanbul in the bazaars "food court" and got some falafel. Evan said he's convinced I think I'm in Israel. A traditional Thai dance show started where we were sitting to we watched for a few minutes. Then we headed to the part of the city about 2km away that's basically a strip of bars. We went to a well known place called Zoe in Yellow. The night was amazing. I was in a great mindset with comfortable people. I even saw the people from UD study abroad there. We hardcore danced, did some shots, fended off creeps, and just had a straight-up good time. After 2 hours, Sophia and I got a tuktuk back to the hostel and went to bed. Thoughts about FOMO:

FOMO: the Fear Of Missing Out

I've always had a huge problem with this. I worry about choosing the wrong or the worse option. I worry about everyone having fun without me. I worry that if I go one way and everyone else goes another, even if I didn't want to go their way, I'll miss out.

The best example of this is choosing my hostel for Chiang mai. Everyone was staying in the same place so it felt like I should stay there too. I didn't want to be left out of anything or miss any experiences. However, I wanted to meet even more people and not be bound so tightly to a group.

Everything about FOMO is in your head. You set standards for yourself. You are the only one forcing restrictions on yourself. You give yourself chains and weigh yourself down to connect with what is familiar.

Therefore, you are the only one who can realize that and decide to remove the weights and understand that there is never a worse option. There are two options, and you have every right to feel whatever you want about the options and to choose whatever you feel is best for you.

It's as simple as staying in on a night where everyone is going out. No bad option. Don't tie yourself to one or the other. Don't feel like you have to do something because everyone else is doing it.

My point is that once you realize that you are the only one responsible for feeling FOMO and allowing yourself to be bound, you can be liberated.

[sarmtravels-blog]

Day 12, Koh Tao: island time

Click here to see pictures from Koh Tao! Woke up today at 5:23 sharp. We all got ready and cleaned up the rooms to check out, then went to 7/11 to grab some grub. Breakfast for most of us what cereal in a bag with some milk. We took a taxi (aka a pick-up truck stuffed with 11 people) to the pier and watched the sunrise as we waited for the small boat to come.  We did 2 dives today. Adam from London joined our group as he is already certified. He was supposed to be my buddy but his ears couldn't pop, so Georgia was my buddy again. Frank briefed us on the dive spots and taught us some hand signals to point stuff out to each other. Luckily, we were not tested on that. Both dives were incredible, swimming through a whole new world as a guest to the fish in their environment. Between dives, I got really seasick and I sat as it rained a bit waiting to feel better. The second dive, Adam came into the water with us for a second to take some pictures and videos. The GoPro isn't supposed to go past 10m so he took it up with him. On the second dive,  we saw a really cool anemone that was home to a clownfish (Nemo) family. We practiced some skills on the bottom to make sure we were ready to be certified and the fish weaved in and out of our legs as we practiced. Then, on the boat, we did our logbooks and congratulated each other. At the dive shop, we wanted to shower but the power went out. We left our bags locked up there and went for lunch. During the meal, I cancelled the Samui Hostel I had booked and I decided I would stay for the pub crawl and take an early ferry to Samui tomorrow for my flight. After we ate, everyone kinda fell asleep so I wandered the town a bit, bought some homemade jewelry, and acquired a ferry ticket to Samui for 6:30 tomorrow. I went back and rallied the troops. We checked into Taco Shack Hostel which ended up being a really nice place with hot water and A/C. We rested, met Matilda for foot rubs and pedicures, and went to shop around and get some food at  this cool, bungalowish place. We got a quick taxi to the start of the Koh Tao Pub Crawl and began an amazing night. There were 4 stops: a pool party, a ladyboy (drag) show, a bar with live music (think Rooneys on a Thursday) and a beach party. Each stop was full of people on the crawl and I met some cool friends along the way. At the first stop, we went on a water slide that was definitely not built sturdily, hung out with the bartenders, and got some free watered-down drinks. At the second stop, I had a front tow seat at the show and I won a free breakfast (that I gave to Matilda because I knew I was leaving the island). One of the hosts of the crawl did a little Magic Mike stuff and that was just... yea that was awesome. At the third stop I was singing along so loudly. I knew it was bad for my already sore throat but I was having so much fun. At the fourth stop, we danced like wild animals on the beach and I finally went skinny dipping!!! I met a dude who got his rescue diver certification today so it felt a bit safer. There were no stars because it was so cloudy, but it was still a gorgeous night. We taxi-ed to the hostel and set our alarms for 5:20 to catch our respective ferries. Monday musings:

I can feel the trip getting shorter and shorter.... I don't regret the way I've spent my time; I just wish I had more of it.

It's been fun to be in a group for a few days but I'm ready to branch out and meet some new people. It's gonna be cool reuniting with people from the full moon in Chiang Mai while also making new friends.

Animal cruelty is a huge, sad issue in this country :(

[sarmtravels-blog]

Day 11, Koh Tao: exam day

Click here for pictures from Koh Tao! ~follow @grudagoesglobal on instagram~ I had the room to myself last night because I was sick and went to bed so early. The fan in our room was set to move in a circular motion but I ghetto-engineered it with a carabiner to just blow in my direction. I woke up and Tom came back in. I played some music and FaceTimed Ben to see everyone together going ice skating. I wished I was there but I'm mega grateful to be here!! We stopped at the same cafe for breakfast but got it to go this time because we were running a bit late. I skimmed my homework while I ate. Our 3-hour lesson was about emergency procedures and some of the other stuff we hadn't covered yet. At the end, we took a 50-question (group) exam and frank graded it. Clocking in at 94% with only 3 questions wrong, we passed! We took a taxi to the pier again for the same 1-hour lunch break. We sat at a different beachside restaurant for Thai food and walked to the dive shop. We took a small boat to the big boat, and this time we didn't have a briefing or anything. We knew how to set up our equipment and we jumped right in. Yesterday, the visibility was low and the water was cloudy, but today, you could see a lot better. On our first dive, we practiced how to help divers who have run out of air and how to do emergency ascents. These skills are very unlikely to be used but I'm happy to have the knowledge. [caption id="attachment_361" align="alignnone" width="374"] Georgia, frank, me, Tom, Evan[/caption] We took a 15 minute break on the boat where we ate fresh pineapple and drove to a different spot. This was a "fun dive" where we dove around some coral reefs and saw a lot of fish, one being the potentially dangerous triggerfish. We didn't bring cameras on this dive because we're not pros yet, but Tom will bring hers tomorrow so Frank can take pictures of us diving. We took the small boat back to the pier dive shop and our taxi was waiting for us. I was down to having 60 Baht ($2) in my pocket so I had to go to a bank. Everyone went on the taxi but Frank was nice enough to wait for me and take me back to the hostel dive shop on his motorbike. On my way to the bank, I saw a bunch of groups of Thai people watching a rooster fight on their TVs. Muay Thai is very popular here, but I didn't know cockfights are, too. The bank closed at 17:00 and I got there at 16:57 so I took the livery of letting myself in lol and the employees laughed at me a lot. Maybe because I was in a bathing suit, maybe because I walked in on my own accord, maybe because I'm the only tourist with no ATM card, idk. I needed the money because I spent my last cash advance on a motorcycle crash 😄 We went back to the dive shop and started our Dive Log books. They're just a place to keep track of your dives and any other relevant information. So far, we have 2hr 12min logged. We all went back to the hostel to chill for 10 minutes and then headed to the street to catch a taxi to Sairee beach, another part of the island. It was 400 Baht for the taxi and everything in the area is overpriced for Thai standards. We found a place called V.nizza playing electronic chill music with expensive but amazing food. Matilda joined us for the meal, too, and we all walked around the area after. I heard about a Koh Tao Pub Crawl and I'm tempted to do it tomorrow night, but it doesn't fit with my travel "plans." Back at Tropicana, we went to the beach to try skinny dipping. Once I walked out about 3 meters, the water was only about half a meter deep and the ground turned to mud/quicksand or something. I asked reception and they said people swim there during the day, but we decided it was best to just not. Tom and Evan journaled and Georgia and I laid on the beach looking at the stars and had a heart to heart. I'm so grateful I had the chance to travel with this bunch. I have the room alone again tonight just to make sure no one else gets sick, but I've felt much better today. Tomorrow, we get our scuba certifications!!! Thoughts:

I'm so proud of everyone for doing scuba diving, and I'm especially proud of Georgia for conquering her nerves.

I have a hard time comprehending how people decide to leave their lives and move to a place like this for an extended period of time.... but somehow people do it. It seems amazing.

I have no clue what the hell I want to do next year. Georgia and I asked each other where we see ourselves in 10 years and my answer was hazy whereas it was pretty set a few months ago...

Ok I'm halfway through this trip. WHAT.

[sarmtravels-blog]

Day 10, Koh Tao: Saturday night fever

Last night, I woke up at midnight shivering in our no-A/C room. I didn't think much of it. We woke up around 7:15 to grab a quick pre-scuba meal. The place we went to was French but they had American food slash what I might normally eat for breakfast at home- peanut butter toast and coffee. We walked 5 minutes to the dive shop for "class" and had a theee hour lesson about skills in scuba diving and a briefing about what we would be practicing later. We were all exhausted but we did our best to keep up and take notes. We took a taxi and had an hour lunch break at 11:00 by the pier, so we sat at a restaurant on the water. Then, we took a small boat to the bigger boat we would be diving off of, bags of equipment in hand. Our first task was to swim around the boat twice. The current was strong and we all found it incredibly difficult and taxing. Next, we donned our equipment (which is super heavy and includes an aluminum tank and a weight belt) and we kinda just went for it. We did 2 dives with a short break in between. The first was 3 meters deep where we practiced breathing, underwater hand signs, how to recover your mask/mouthpiece if they fall off, etc. I found the skill training to be relatively easy, as  did Evan. Tom was a bit nervous as first but it wore off quickly. Georgia's hesitance lasted into rhe second dive, but we were all super proud of her for conquering a fear. [caption id="attachment_353" align="alignnone" width="2448"] Tom and Georgia checking out the water[/caption] The second dive was ~9m deep and we practiced ascending/descending, equalization, finding neutral buoyancy, etc. This is definitely the kind of thing you get good at over time. In fact, our instructor, Frank, has only been diving for 6 months, but at 2-4 dives everyday, he got his Dive Master certification. He's a great teacher- he reads our faces very well and has an immense amount of patience. His German accent and sense of humor make the course interesting as well. [caption id="attachment_354" align="alignnone" width="3264"] Tom, Georgia, me and Evan on the big boat[/caption] After our dives, we went back to the dive shop by our hostel. We played a game of pool to cool off after an exhausting day. I went back to the hostel to shower because I had a bad headache. I met Tom, Georgia, and Evan out for dinner at a beachfront restaurant. I didn't feel good and I hardly ate. Actually, I even fell asleep at dinner haha. I left early and dropped off my laundry at a place that does it for you to be picked up at 17:00. On a whim, I walked into a clinic because I felt feverish. I kept getting really hot and really cold. They took my temperature and I had a temp over 101. They gave me Tylenol and said that because it hadn't been kind, they couldn't do much for me but she told me their opening time tomorrow just in case. I went to 7/11 for water and a pharmacy for Advil and crawled into bed. Everyone else just got back, but I don't have the energy to do much and I'm determined to wake up at 7:15 feeling awesome for a day of scuba. Being sick in a foreign country sucks, but at least they have families medicine and the nurses were beyond nice and helpful. Thoughts:

Scuba diving is kinda terrifying because so much can go wrong but as long as you breathe calmly, normally and continuously it's malady-free.

I have 3 more chapters to read for scuba but there's no way that's happening. He doesn't even go over half the stuff from the chapters anyway.

[sarmtravels-blog]

Day 9, Koh Tao: making it work

There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.

Click here to see pictures from Koh Tao! This post is dedicated to Ben for helping me through one of the toughest nights of my life from across the globe. You're the best. I woke up at 7:00 today feeling much better. I took a shower to get the paint off and walked outside. People were still drinking so I got a spiked iced coffee shake that was so yummy. We lounged around for a while and during that time I packed and ordered a taxi for 12:00. I got pad Thai for breakfast with Zach, Naomi, Georgia, and Evan. Me, Evan, Georgia, and Tom from Israel/California all had plans to go to Koh Tao to get scuba certified so we took the taxi together. Evan and Georgia got an earlier ferry and Tom and I had to take one a bit later. The ferry was huge, had decently comfy seats A/C and a tv. We both fell asleep for an hour and woke up with 20 minutes to go. [caption id="attachment_343" align="alignnone" width="2448"] Ahhhh the morning after[/caption] The island were on now is fascinating. It was founded as a place to keep prisoners in 1933, but 14 years later they were all freed. Now, it's a hub for scuba diving and lounging around. However, they lack proper sewage and it's a very poor place. When we got there, people were following us around to make us get on their taxis. Luckily, we could walk to the scuba shop we were taking the course with. The dive shop is in 3 locations, one being by the pier and one being my our hostel. The guy explained that our course would be 3 days and that we would be able to start tonight. The price we saw online was 9200 Baht ($262) with a accommodations, but the guy said they didn't offer that price anymore. We expressed some disappointment and he said he would put us up in Tropicana resort (550 Baht - $16 a night, per person) for 3 nights, on him! We took a taxi to the resort, which is a 15 minute drive from the pier, nestled in a cool wooded area. Our room has no A/C or hot water, but we're here for free which is sweet. [caption id="attachment_344" align="alignnone" width="1280"] Taxis here come in every shape and size[/caption] We went down the road for some Thai food which ended up being so delicious. Then, we went to the dive shop by the pier to register and get fitted. Our instructor is Frank from Germany and he seems awesome. The course is SSI instead of PADI which is somewhat off-putting because everyone we know said to do PADI, but there don't seem to be any major differences between the two certification processes. No matter what, I become a safe and comfortable diver. Our homework was to read 3 chapters about scuba diving on our phone. Everyone else was too tired or too lazy to read the information, but being that I am terrified of this activity, I'm taking it pretty seriously. A lot of the important stuff I learned in my classes in college (boyles law, parts of the ear/sinuses, etc). It's really fun for me to see my school knowledge in the real world. We went for some snacks and Thai massages, got super sleepy, and headed back to the hostel to prepare for a 7:15 wake up. Reflections on my time in Koh Phangan: The past few days were so hard on me. The things I've faced are hard enough at home but they become intensified when it feels like I have no one here for me. I am emotionally and physically drained. But I made the choice to do this alone and I won't let a few tough days weigh me down. I crashed a motorcycle in a location far from where it had to be returned and was left feeling guilty and broke, covered in bruises and gravel burns, but got back up and I rode it home in style I had a strong of panic attacks and all I wanted was a hug when I couldn't get one, but I found my peace and I'm dealing with it. I'm islands apart from my only semblance of a travel companion lost his phone, but I'm managing out here alone. I have to wake up tomorrow and learn how to survive underwater with my own personal life support, but I'm taking deep breaths and making the vast ocean my friend. I dropped everything but my backpack and went to a foreign part of the world with little structure and a love of Type A planning, but I am respecting the newness of every moment with gratitude. I am coming out of these few days stronger than ever. I am making it work. Maybe it sounds stupid, but if one person can be inspired by my conquering of the unknown with the craziest rebounds, I've done part of what I set out to do. If you're reading this, it's not too late. Get the hell out there and make it work.

[sarmtravels-blog]

Day 8, Phangan: full moon

Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.

Click here to see pictures from Koh Phangan! Woke up approximately 5 hours after I fell asleep at 6:00 to a message from Naomi that she was going to the beach. I hopped out of bed and into a bathing suit. Me, Naomi, and Zach grabbed a quick breakfast and Nate met us there. For some reason, I wanted stir fried rice for breakfast. It was surprisingly delicious. We walked to the beach and ran into Lettie on the way so she joined us. We laid on the beach for a couple of hours, and at some point, Evan, Georgia, Sara from Germany, Raphael, and will joined us too. It felt so nice to just lay there and dip in the ocean a couple  of times. My bike wounds have been healing really quickly because of the salt and sun. After a bit of lounging, we walked to a restaurant that had Israeli food and feasted on some hummus. At this point, it was 17:00 and we planned to start partying at 21:00. I went to get a massage because my back/body ached a bit and the lady was TOUGH on me. I had a little sunburn and she was legit smacking me. I kept telling her to do it softer, but she did not understand that concept. Ugh. I met some Australians outside the hostel and we went to grab food. I found a vegan place and split burritos with Mason from Sydney. On our way back, we grabbed some clothes for the Full Moon Party. We met up with everyone at the hostel and had the usual party in the street. I went to the beach with Zach and Naomi to check it out. There were thousands of people, Thai people yelling at us to buy things, and people on all kinds of drinks and drugs. I was feeling a little nervous and the feeling only got worse. The party was extremely overwhelming for me and I was very anxiety ridden. It just didn't feel safe. I ended up going to bed early but I still had a good time for a bit. Not too much to say in this post because it was a rough day, but tomorrow is a new day and I'm ready to crush it. Thoughts:

There are some things that are fun to do alone and others that can be enjoyed much more in a group of people you trust. This was one of those times where I wished I had a squad from home with me.

The theme of this trip is not letting the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. I've said it before and I'll say it every time I try something new.

[sarmtravels-blog]

Day 7, Phangan: crash(es) and burn(s)

Thai expression of the day: chom kaew. It means cheers 🍻

Click here for pictures from Koh Phangan!

I woke up at 8:15 today- a small victory. I messaged Evan to see what he was up to because everyone in my hostel was still asleep. Me, Evan, and Zach from Alaska went for coffee and some grub. We crafted a plan to rent bikes and go about 45 minutes north for some snorkeling. We got Nate, Georgia, Lettie, Raphael  from Sweden, and Naomi from England on board as well.  Remember how I said I was sharing a bed with Davin's brother? Well, I met him and his mom this morning. He slept at his moms hotel last night. His name is Royce and he doesn't drink or anything, but his mom does (Red Bull included). They went to their bungalow to rest because they're planning on partying all night as well. It ended up ended up being me, Evan, and Zach who rented bikes to drive. Georgia was my passenger and Naomi's was Zach. It was a beautiful ride up the coast. Driving 2 people was harder but I still felt comfortable and cautious. We picked up another friend, Matilda, on the way. Of course, the very last road to our destination was unpaved slippery rocks and gravel. I crashed not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES, with the last part doing the most damage to us and the bike. To be fair, it was a tough road for any biker. For me, I had already driven 40 minutes and this was the only thing separating me from the beach we were headed to. Directly post-crash, my adrenaline kicked in and I was nervous but I felt okay. Shortly after that, I started to feel pains everywhere and I had a mini panic attack. Georgia and I ran into the ocean to wash our bloody selves. We all sat down for lunch on a beach cabana with a gorgeous view but I was totally freaking out. I made myself eat and drink but I was not doing okay at all and I felt very alone. My biggest anxiety induced was the fact that what goes up must come down. We still had a 45 minute drive ahead of us. To relax, the boys took a walk and we women got awesome Thai massages right on the beach. The lady was so nice- she saw my wounds and cleaned them for me. I pumped myself up to drive back by repeatedly telling myself how lucky I was that it wasnt worse, that Georgia was okay, that you can't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. I was beyond scared to drive back, so I traded with Evan and took the solo bike for a bit, but even so the first few kilometers was super tough terrain. Zach and Evan took turns walking our bikes. I ended up driving back with Georgia and we had no issues. Back in town, I had to return the motorcycle and pay the fees. It cost WAY more than I thought it would but I just wanted to get it over with. I cried a little, sucked it up, and decided to make it a good night. We pregamed at and around the hostel. Everyone was putting on body paint and fun clothes. Around 2:00, we got a sketchy truck-taxi thing to "the jungle experience." It was basically a music festival in the middle of the jungle... fire dancers, music, people painting, etc. So many people from our hostel were there. We didn't leave til 5:00ish. It was awesome. [caption id="attachment_330" align="alignnone" width="2448"] UV paint and my huge bruise... a nice juxtaposition[/caption] Lasting thoughts...

I keep feeling upset about the motorbike. I was being really cautious but once we hit that road, I couldn't handle it. Still, I'm so lucky I'm okay.

This hostel (Dancing Elephant) is so beautifully communal. Everyone is so fun and nice and caring. I'm happy I found the squad I did.

Finding the balance between stupid and fun-crazy when you're alone is the hardest thing ever