sashawantstofeelbetter

[sashawantstofeelbetter]

[sashawantstofeelbetter]

Today I buried the hope of ever seeing you again.

- my heart is a graveyard

[sashawantstofeelbetter]

Hey mike if you ever see this, it’s sasha. I just really need a hug from someone. Would you give me a hug if i saw you in person? would you let me hug you? Do you ever think about me? Do you feel better already? I don’t feel better yet, how did you feel better? The crappiest part of all this is how many regrets i have. If i had stayed clean that first July we dated, if I had a therapist sooner, if I had known i had borderline and knew how to work on it, if i could see what’s happened 3 years later, if i had been smart enough to change before you left me. Is this even ok to say to you? Is this weird and stuff now that we’re becoming strangers again? That last sentence made my eyes well up with tears and my cheeks feel a million degrees. Strangers. No no no no no!!! Please, no. Why did i have to mess this up? Why didn’t i do a better job? Why am i the way that i am? Why do i always change, learn, and realize everything too late? Will that ever stop happening me? I just want a hug. I don’t know. I can’t sleep at night a lot and i do my best not to login to icloud and look at all the pictures of the past 3 years, but sometimes i do. I guess what i want is a do-over. I want another go. I want to do better this time!!! As much as i want(ed) you to take me back, or to say that you love me, or to lay down together and share everything again, that’s not what I want. I don’t want our past. I don’t want everything thats happened. I’m sure you don’t either, good god. I really messed this up. My heart is so broken, i frickin broke it myself. I fell so stupid in love with you so fast and you were everything I had never even dreamed i could have. First, you’re handsome, you have a loving family, a big one I wanted to become a part of, you have empathy, you are sensitive, you made me feel loved for the first time in my life I feel like. You gave your heart to me and I gave you mine. Me. Me. Me me me me me me. That’s where everything always goes wrong. I met you, we clicked, I tried to hide my addiction, and I will never forget that day you sat down with me and told me you knew, and that it was okay, that I could get better, that you wanted to help me get better. You didn’t see me as a junkie, a nobody, a loser, a monster, the way people oftentimes see addicts, and the way I see myself. How the fuck did i mess this up? That was a once in a lifetime thing, and I fucked it all up. I miss you a lot. I wish I could go back. I wish everything could be different, but it can’t be, and now it’s over. I wonder how long it will take for my heart to heal. Is yours healed? Do you still love me? I just miss us. The good version of us. I never deserved that chance I got with you. Sometimes I try to tell myself that you were an asshole, or that you didn’t treat me right, or that you’re entitled and spoiled and insensntive and selfish, just to see if that narrative would hurt any less, and it doesn’t, and it’s not accurate. I lost someone loving, and someone beautiful. I lost them. I lost them. I lost them. I lost him. I lost you. I wish i could make a time machine and go back. My fucking soul hurts. I already hurt a lot, and I hurt before I met you, and it’s like no matter what I just cause myself more and more and more and more and more and more hurt. Please make it stop hurting. please just give me a hug. I’m really sorry, i’m doing my best to be better and to try and never miss out on love again, because i really need it. I will always remember you, and i will always miss you, and i hope that one day I can forgive myself for all this mess. I’m really happy you’re doing well again. I’m so sorry i took that, and so much more away from you. I was sick, or I am sick, and i just didn’t mean to. I wanted us to be forever and get married and I wanted you to come to my college graduation and I wanted to have beautiful babies with you and have our headstones side by side and truly be forever with you. I just never ever meant to do bad, but it seems like i do it a lot. I’m doing a little better now, sober and in therapy and stuff, and i just wanna be able

to forgive myself. I don’t know if i will ever get there. Do you forgive me? you told me you did a few times as I sobbed and you left, you said you weren’t mad at me and that you forgave me. Is that true? how do i forgive myself? I just really need a hug. i just really need a hug