sassysaysfucku-blog

[sassysaysfucku-blog]

Im not really sure how to start this out for it to flow well so Im just going to jump into it and hopefully yall can follow. On September 9th 2016 i attempted suicide. I downed a bottle of vodka and about 30 muscle relaxers. I didn't take the pills all at once, i dont know if my intention was to die or to just take all the emotional pain away to be honest. So i took a few at a time..and continued doing that until i passed out. I was in and out of sleep, my body felt really heavy and i could feel my lungs starting to go in to paralysis. At this point i was somewhere in between fear and relief. It was almost over. I wouldnt hurt anymore. But let me tell you, no matter how much you want to die, actually feeling yourself dying is really fucking scary. I dont know how long this went on but i was asleep again when my mom came down stairs and started freaking out and shaking me. I could barely open my eyes to look at her. She called an ambulance and some how i managed to walk upstairs by myself. And then i must have blacked out again and i woke up in the ambulance (those people were super rude to me btw). At the hospital i was in and out, every time i woke up i asked for my mom and they lied to me and told me she wasnt there and she was because she followed the ambulance, i saw her driving behind us. They didnt let her see me for about an hour and at that point my sister and brother in law were there. I vaguely remember waking up when they came in the room. They wouldnt pump my stomach they were just going to let the drugs run through my system. Well i fell into a coma. I was out for 4 and a half days. I had swelling on my brain and abnormal brain function. They didnt think i would wake up and if i did they thought i would be brain dead. They tried to bring me out the coma a few times but i was unresponsive. From what ive heard my eyes were dead. They were open but i wasnt there. When i finally did wake up i had a tube down my throat (because i aspirated into my lungs) and a room full of people crying because i was finally responded. (I tried to pull the tube out lol and when the doctor took it out it was quite painful). A lot happened to me while i was out though. I had a nurse that didnt pump my lungs like she was supposed to which could have killed me and the doctors tried several different medicines on me. When i woke up my memory was so bad i couldnt remember something for 2 seconds, i couldnt work my phone, i couldnt walk, and i talked really funny and slow. I was in the icu for two or three more days after i woke. Once i could..kind of walk again they put me in the psych ward for 5 days. That place... it could honestly have been worse but every second i was in there i just wanted to cry. Now the thing about the muscle relaxers i took is they dont run through your system the way normal ones do. They attach to your neurons and once you think youre done detoxing off of them another wave hits you over and over again, and id start feeling all messed up again and slow and my legs would feel like jelly. I went through this up until my 3rd day in the psych ward. At least it was really strong until then. I didnt start getting back to at least semi normal until about a month after i got out. I was still talking funny and my memory was still awful, and its still pretty bad but im decent at hiding it now and i talk normal. My sister and her husband didnt leave my side the whole time i was in the hospital until i had to go up to the psych ward and then my sister visited me every chance she got along with my mom and Danny (my boyfriend.) My sister and her husband helped me so much while i was in there and took me into their home and helped me even more once i got out and even decorated a room for me and everything and ill never be able to express how thankful i am for that. And im so thankful for my boyfriend sticking by me through all of that and his family for being so understanding. And my mom for welcoming me back home with open arms when i was finally ready and for never losing hope. So, why did i do it? Ive struggled with depression since i was about 12 and about that same time i started self harming. The self harm didn't last long because hiding the cuts was too difficult. Ive had a pretty traumatic life, but im not going to get into all of that. I struggle with anxiety. I am constantly over thinking something to the point it can make me have a break down over the tiniest thing or make me feel completely insane. I felt like i was constantly fighting with everyone. I felt like i wasnt good enough. And quite frankly my life was falling apart. How am i now? Well to be quite honest i still feel the same way i did then, i just honestly put up with it. Every single day is a struggle for me to make myself get out of bed. To make myself talk to people. To make myself eat. To shower and put on makeup. To go to work. All of it is so hard constantly to the point it makes me physically hurt on top of all my other health issues.90% of the time i dont express this to anyone because people expect me to be 100% okay or else they think im going to attempt again and freak out if i take a nap or go to bed early or dont respond to a text right away. If you actually made it this far, thank you. Im posting this for 2 reasons; 1.) I needed to get all of that off my chest. And 2.) I refused to really talk about it or answer anyones questions about it until now. Im okay with talking about all of this now and if you still have any questions feel free to ask. ~love always, Sassy 💗