saturniiinae - Tumblr blog

[saturniiinae]

//scenes n things//

place: rural small desert town situated in a valley. there are mountains filled with greenery that surrounds, a stark contrast to the dead grass & tumbleweeds that hide in the shallow ditch of the highway.

picture: wild mustard, sage grass, & old, forgotten orchards still ripened with rotting fruit. fresh cut lawn in the summer, the smell of dew on the grass at 3 a.m., firework smoke & sparklers, abandoned apple factories, the high school parking lot where you first fucked up driving, the skate park & sleeping on pavement

[saturniiinae]

//light another cigarette//

when i inhale the menthol into my blistered & burned mouth, i mostly think of what it felt like to float from the back of a pickup truck parked in a place that once was a holy, special, sacred place.

the vessel is a grocery bag of deliquesced banana peels.

recall what it felt like to become the same as the unearthed worms & sand fleas & salted slugs that dry on the sidewalk after a whole night's rain.

i was motion sick from the way the match stick of my soul was floating high into the stars, the heavens the brain tried to ascend to.

i do not think the diseased goat of a boy remembers the blueberry brambles he stole from.

the tree he cut down & lit on fire, only to find it was too drenched in saltwater to keep him warm.

i do not see a point in going through that.

so, what is my lesson dad?

i feel most like me in my cowgirl boots & virginal white linens that drape otherwise naked skin & hair unbrushed. cigarette dangling from my lips, i no longer associate it with the goat.

[saturniiinae]

[saturniiinae]

[saturniiinae]

let's talk what curling into a ball & dying feels like:

it is a familiar scene replayed in front of my face each time i reach out to be walked back from the bridge i have the urge to throw myself off of.

no one really cares, or maybe does not believe that the dying dead could ever feel much more than the need to silence what haunts the hallways of their disintegrating house of a brain.

simply enough, if love was enough to fix me, save me, or whatever the fuck I once expected it to, i do not even know if it would.

maybe, tonight I just feel hopeless.

it has been an all day thing though, a all year thing, a all life thing.

and i am exhausted.

i just want to sleep.

and maybe told that whatever i am,

it is enough.

it never will be.

not for me,

much less anyone else.

but i wish someone would lie to me instead of telling me the explicit truth.

[saturniiinae]

[saturniiinae]

[saturniiinae]

i sometimes forget that this is everyone’s first time on earth too. like. this is my first time seeing a butterfly this color. but its that little girl’s first time seeing any butterfly, ever. and i accidentally left a bag of groceries at the store after paying and now i’m cursing under my breath and it’s like. there a thousand other people out there who did that today too. and a thousand more from yesterday. and. like. we’re not actually alone. and we’re not actually failing. at least not in a way that a few billion people haven’t before you

[saturniiinae]

Heart of Mother Nature

[saturniiinae]

thanks for the spotify link! in a hundred years they’ll cut down a tree with our intials carved into its bark and they’ll wonder why its wood burns so warm

[saturniiinae]

[saturniiinae]

it’s about time i get sacrificed in the woods

[saturniiinae]

[saturniiinae]

[saturniiinae]

i need something that is consistent and safe

[saturniiinae]

Cailee Spaeny as Priscilla Presley in Sofia Coppola’s Priscilla, photographed by Jacob Elordi published in the photo book Sofia Coppola Archive 1999-2023.

[saturniiinae]

here's hoping people never stop asking