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saturnsgrove-ed · 4 years ago

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Saturn's Grove Entry 3

Saturday, June 19th, 2021

Tw: Eating Disorders! Self Harm EXPLICIT DESCRIPTIONS! Mental health struggles! ED behavior! Non-recovery! NUMBERS! CALORIES! WEIGHT!

NOT A PRO BLOG. JUST MY THOUGHTS. NO THINSPO EVER.

CW: 160.2 lbs 40.8lbs from next GW, 60.8lbs from UGW

Good afternoon friends and readers, I have an interesting story today. I recently (earlier in the afternoon) found my old, original ED journal. A small, unassuming composition notebook hidden at the bottom of a box I never fully finished unpacking, tucked away in a closet I don't really use. Suppose that was a good place for it, good as any place to keep a forgotten well of slur-laden meanspo and self loathing.

I'd opened it out of curiosity, musing that I could very well use a notebook to transcribe these entries in case my blog was ever purged by Tumblr's ridiculous form of moderation -- the plan is to never get big enough (pun intended) to gain any attention from the mod team or mod bots! Anyway, what I found was, is fact, not a blank notebook, and I also won't be sharing any pictures of it, as not only is it private, but its also incredibly triggering. Luckily, I seem to have grown at least a little, and it didn't seem like a beacon of motivation as it once would have, but rather a terrible reminder of what happens when I let this disorder take over my life. I don't intend to allow myself to descend into that place, not ever again.

I'll hover just outside the entrance, playing gay chicken with full blown anorexia instead.

Jokes aside, looking back on this, reading through my writing, telling myself to do these terrible things and violently ridiculing myself for a binge -- which, looking back at the numbers, were not binges anyway -- was really eye opening to me. It revealed a lot about who I am, who I was, and how far I've come. Currently, upon some self reflection, it seems I'm doing this mainly out of a feeling of undeserving, a desire to deprive myself. Back then, it seemed it was more of a time when I had a self destruct button built into my psyche itself.

(!!TW!!)

I vividly remember, during that time, sitting in my car in a Walmart parkinglot after being unable to find my razor in the mess of my apartment. I'd driven all the way to a store to buy the sharpest Xacto blade they had, just to sit in my car and hack at my left arm; some of the scars from which still remain. It took about twenty minutes of that to calm down, noting that I was now bleeding all over my car, streaks of red covering my shirt and jeans, even some crimson shimmering on my steering wheel, catching the sunlight coming in through the gaps of my cracked, shittily made plastic and aluminum car sun-visor.

A few minutes of calm followed my bout, only to realize I needed to make the walk of shame back into Walmart to buy gauze and bandage tape, so I did. I wonder what people thought as I had put a large jacket on, in the heart of summer in Phoenix, Arizona and returned to the store after having left not half an hour earlier. I went to a completely different check out lane as I did the first time, to avoid concern and judgement, but I knew I wasn't being clever. Red was seeping through my grey jacket and staining it in slowly-blooming patches of black, shining wetness. It was a shameful thing, and I hurried home after wrapping up my arm, no doubt loaded with clothing fibers and dog hair from my old jacket.

The jacket was a total loss, and I tossed it in the apartment dumpster when I returned from my terrible venture.

I'd mostly forgotten this memory, at least in so much detail, until opening the old ed journal, and I've decided to don't want these memories anymore.

Its going in the trashcan with the cat shit I dumped in there last night. Right where it belongs.

Bye for now.

#not pr0 #just using tags #tw ed content #Self Harm mention #sh tw #tw self loathing #Tw self harm #Tw cutting

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saturnsgrove-ed · 4 years ago

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pls tell me im not the only one

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saturnsgrove-ed · 4 years ago

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Saturn's Grove

Entry 2

Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

Tw: Eating Disorders! Self Harm mentions, not explicit! Mental health struggles! ED behavior! Non-recovery! NUMBERS! CALORIES! WEIGHT!

NOT A PRO BLOG. JUST MY THOUGHTS. NO THINSPO EVER.

42lbs from next GW, 62lbs from UGW

As an update to my prior entry, I have, in fact, thrown out all edible things in my fridge, but for the sake of fasting safety-- as I'm planning to go as long as humanly possible, here --I've left a handful of low cal safe foods in the cabinet pantry, as well as some things I'm not entirely sure what to do with, just in case I end up on the verge of passing out. I'm doubtful that would happen at home, it's far more likely to happen while I work, so I've put a single (sugar free) pudding cup in the work fridge.

In retrospect, the 60cal sugar free pudding cups were, quite possibly, the least offensive food item in the house, and throwing them out was a miscalculation of extraordinary degrees. How stupid of me to toss the pudding cups, and yet leave the 100cal/bar special k diet pastry bars.. I am weak to my fruity desires -- the cinnamon ones can go suck an egg, though, its artificial Berry Superiority in this house! In all honesty, though, the special K pastry crisps, or whatever it is they're called, are a great kick in the ass mid-day if you're planning to not eat much (or anything) else throughout the day. Theyre quite lovely -- well, the blueberry and strawberry, at least. I'm not sure what the point was of making cinnamon ones when the cinnamon flavor is mediocre at best. Now, don't get me wrong, I do like cinnamon, just not the lackluster, and frankly pitiful, way it's used in the Special K bars, and if I am going to waste 100 calories, it had better taste like an angel shat it out, alright?

Anyway, back on topic...

My fatass heart shrieks every time I so much as have a passing thought of throwing out all of my lovely sourdough in the breadbox, so I have procrastinated in killing that particular carb-laden monstrosity. Soon.

Aside from the bread, my carb-heavy options are quite limited, and I'm glad to have gotten rid of the tofu (sweet, sweet tofu) in my fridge, else I surely would have drenched it in soy sauce and binged the entire block in a single sitting. If you aren't a fan of raw tofu covered in a kidney shuddering amount of the liquid salt that is soy sauce-- you're wrong. Your opinion is invalid. Soy sauce drenched, raw, ice cold tofu blocks... the most wonderful binge food. Salty, soft, melts on the tongue, and absolutely DANGEROUS. Sure, tofu is quite good for you and all that health nonsense... and it tastes incredible... but 100g of tofu is 76 calories. How dare it be so high in calories when I could certainly eat a thousand grams of tofu, were I ever so inclined to do so? Although, this may be a problem only I have, as most people turn up their noses at the very mention of "plain tofu". Pardon me, tofu is not plain, it is subtle, just as mozzarella cheese is subtle, not bland.

I suppose arguing semantics around normal folk is pointless, but I'm sure some of you understand what I'm prattling on about. People with normal relationships to food are honestly... terrifying. You're trying to tell me you can't look at a food and rattle off the calories? Or worse yet, that if you can't, it doesn't cause you incredible stress and give you that heavy, sickly anchor of dread settling in your guts? Ridiculous. Sure thing, just go eat your burger and don't stress about it... who do you think you are to flex that hard on me? How dare you, random stranger, cause me to have an internal monologe where I lament and carp over my own issues that I have no intention of actually fixing! The audacity of these perfectly normal humans, I swear.

Sarcasm aside, it really is jarring to realize not everyone has a constant alarm in their mind over what they're eating. This past weekend, I went to Sonic with my SOs (we are poly, for context), and I have never been so worked up (internally only, of course) over a pathetically small, egg and cheese burrito. You want to talk about plain, bland food? Have a Sonic egg and cheese burrito without sauce. Disgusting. I loved it.

I'm starting to believe I just have really awful taste in food in general. Whatever, at least I'm not one of those pinneaple-on-pizza heathens.

Bye for now.

#Ana #not pr0 #just using tags #twed #male ed

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saturnsgrove-ed · 4 years ago

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Saturn's Grove

Entry 1

Monday, June 14th, 2021

TW: eating disorders, ED behaviors, self loathing, mental health struggles, jokes about suicide that aren't actually 100% jokes, dark humor, abuse mention, dysfunctional family.

NOT A PRO BLOG. THIS IS JUST MY FEELINGS. NO THINSPO EVER.

Cw: 164

44lbs from next GW, 54lbs from UGW

!!! -Originally from an ed discord server personal vent channel ("diary" channels), for context on some of the points I've made in the second to last paragraph.

I am currently debating throwing all of my food away. I might. I probably will, actually. Give it to the chickens, let them gorge and grow fat and happy on my self induced suffering-- that sounds about right.

Anyway, what spurred this shit? Great question. Not planning on answering that so early here, but I'll preface, in short, with 🌟Family Trouble🌟 and past history of 🌟Abuse🌟

For future reference, if you see "🌟" Its a lovely tone indicator that I am being sarcastically reverent to that which causes me the most pain. :)

Escapist fantasies are nice, I've been thinking about dropping everything and moving to Missouri. But why the fuck would I move to Missouri? Not sure. Just like the landscape, I think. West Virginia, too. Anything that is 1: not the desert, and 2: at least three states away from my family, would be lovely. Do you ever get that desire to simply.. walk off into the wilderness and just die? Welcome to the vibe of my life! Death and escapism are irrevocably intertwined here, because isn't death just the ultimate escape?

Unfortunately, I am a coward, so the ultimate escape will have to wait until I have a breakdown severe enough to make me grow a pair and try it! Probably not gonna happen. As I stated before, I am, first and foremost, a 🌟coward🌟. Which, I suppose is what also leads to my terrible coping mechanism of lying in the face of danger or conflict -- instead of just coming out with it when things get shitty.

On to other things...

I have started a 3-ish day fast, a liquid fast because I am weak, to punish myself. I would like to be able to go for an entire month, we'll see how that goes. I was friends with someone, once, in an old ED server who managed an entire month before ending up in the hospital. I'd like to think I could manage it, and, due to living out in buttfuck nowhere Arizona, maybe I could just die! Doubtful Apologies if my humor offends, I'm really only partially joking, and... Well, you did come here of your own volition.

Also excuse my lengthy and roundabout ways to explaining things, 'tis the curse of an author who never writes in first person. Third person is far more appealing, but it would be strange to refer to myself as "Kaden", using pronouns that are not a single letter, or do not explicitly start with "m" and end with "e". Strange doesn't encompass it, really. You should try it sometime; write about yourself as though you're looking in from the outside. It's terribly revealing and I don't think I've ever been meaner to myself. You can only say "I hate myself" so many ways in first person perspective after all... second person is lovely, however. "You stupid bitch" "Why would you eat that" "This is why you're a fat, ugly fuck." Lovely, but third person? Oh man. So strange, but so satisfying. Reading it back later on is like reading a personal attack from a close friend, and it is terrible fuel for my self destructive tendencies -- alas, it is still just a bit too strange to do consistently.

This is what I was talking about when I referred to tangents, ironically enough. The idea of personal diary channels is actually a really interesting one; personal vent threads, the private and intimate illusion of a personal diary, yet the public scrutiny and possible ridicule of an open discord channel. My heart is palpatating at the very thought, though I suppose that could just be my vitamin deficiencies.

Anyway, that's all for now, but I'll be back soon enough, I'm sure. Don't be surprised if my writing style flips around a bit depending on my mood-- this is my lowest which, interestingly enough, lends itself to a rather in depth but still sarcastic and self depreciating voice in my words and explanations of things. Being buried by your own thoughts and feelings had that effect, I suppose.

Bye for now

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