saturnspinning

[saturnspinning]

Slip, spiral, dreaming like bleeding again, sharp little pins and long, long lines, desire is for all the things this body cannot bring me, for the pain that would destroy me, devour me, consume me, drag me to hell and give me bliss, sweet emptiness, nothingness, what a ridiculous desire, it would be awful wouldn’t it, so why am I daydreaming of bruises, of hands around my throat, of blood, of blood, of blood

[saturnspinning]

Desperate shrill and hollow pill

A scared cat arched back

Ears in close and hold my noose

I can’t keep on like this

[saturnspinning]

Thou art a devil That lay between the skin and bone the chest that holds this body warm and through my voice, you hear the bell ringing for you down to hell it’s nothing a good drug can’t fix we formulated just the quality of fear and slow your heart and prevent you from making art Creation. You are weak the mind and body for me to break. It feels like something new those the game we just like you. It’s nothing that I can’t repair. It’s nothing that time won’t one day. This will all be over soon so whole time hold your obsession with dark and night It’s never let up since you were small the minute. You could hear my call and you made a deal to keep you safe. I felt my wrap in your ribs and you felt my touch like no other and what a life you’ve chosen here a strange, layered beleaguered layer Lonesome tear 

[saturnspinning]

It was always so confusing because she would always say things like it’s OK for you to mess up. It’s OK for you to hurt my feelings. She would say it’s OK for us to have disagreements and she would say it’s OK for us to work things out and you can’t expect to go through life with somebody without hurting them, but when I would do something or say something that she objected to or told me hurt her, she wouldn’t forgive me. It would take her hours to talk to me again and only after I begged and begged for her to look at me, acknowledge me and she would never explain what it was that I had done wrong so it was always confusing and I never knew what it was that I had done. It was always something nebulous like you spoke to me like you were talking down to me. She would say my name like it was an insult and it was to the point where when she said my name it felt like my heart would say she never said my name with love. She only said my name when she was annoyed with me, which was all the time she would be annoyed with me, and it would look like anger because she wouldn’t talk to me or she wouldn’t treat me gently or she would be brusque with me and she was always telling me that I made her feel stupid, but I never meant to. I never could figure out what it was about me that I was doing wrong and so I started to believe that I was wrong and I stopped talking as much because when I would talk would be wrong and when we would watch television, she would shush me and then she would talk over whatever we were watching and, it was almost like when I told her I didn’t like something she would do it more and when I told her I liked something it was like she would avoid it. She would avoid it stop. She would tell me that I liked it and she knew that because I liked, and then when I tried to talk about it, she would laugh at me and she knew I wanted it when I tried to explain to her I didn’t she would start to feel guilty and start to say I’m a terrible person and close on herself and not talk to me so I would take it back and I knew it was wrong. I was just trying so hard to receive love from her. I really believed that no one else loved me. I really believed that she was my one shot to have a partner and there’s a big part of me that believes that, I think she was with me for the same reason she thought that I was the only person who would love her as she became more and more resentful of me for creating a life outside of her for having friends that she felt nervous around for going to work I was ashamed for anyone at work to meet her because I never knew what was going to come out of her mouth Say offensive and talk about sex constantly of course when it came to sex wasn’t interested in actually having conversations with me she would flame up so I spent so much time and I’m still confused and I kept thinking if she only understood all of this, she would change and this is the mistake I’ve made my whole life that I think I can only explain it to someone they will understand and stop treating me so badly if I lay out all of the facts and show them because she never treated me or concern it’s almost like I made it up to make up for it to look for love and care where I had never really gotten it before Because I was raised in an environment where my assistance had to be excused was never freely given, and if I messed up in anyway, it was always threatened that it could go away whether she knew it or not Laura on those fears. She never showed any interest in my poetry. She never showed any interest in my art. The affection that she gave me I was begging for it. Desperate pathetic for any scrap of love from someone else. Never interested in my magic. She’s never really interested in me. She made fun of me for the things I liked, she would make fun of me if I was too attracted to her she would make me so small and so worthless and treat me so respect then she would just say her values and they were always different from her actions

[saturnspinning]

Those who love you can’t bear to see you in pain. Keep it private, keep it quiet.