saucetartar

[saucetartar]

“Am I a good person? Deep down, do I even really want to be a good person, or do I only want to seem like a good person so that people (including myself) will approve of me? Is there a difference? How do I ever actually know whether I’m bullshitting myself, morally speaking?”

— David Foster Wallace, Consider The Lobster (via quotespile)

[saucetartar]

“A certain man once lost a diamond cuff-link in the wide blue sea, and twenty years later, on the exact day, a Friday apparently, he was eating a large fish – but there was no diamond inside. That’s what I like about coincidence.”

— Vladimir Nabokov, Laughter in the Dark

[saucetartar]

“Remind yourself that past and future have no power over you. Only the present — and even that can be minimized. Just mark off its limits.”

— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations (8.36)

[saucetartar]

I was young and dumb. And when i get older, i'm gonna keep telling myself that i was young and dumb. That's because i'm actually made some progress. Or perhaps i'm just plain stupid and careless.

[saucetartar]

“It is hard to understand yourself properly since something that you might be doing out of generosity and goodness is the same as you might be doing out of cowardice and indifference.” – Ludwig Wittgenstein, Culture and Value

[saucetartar]

I don't want to be born. Not because life is not fun, nor can I enjoy life.

But, I can't bear the pain of my own existence. Where I was thrown here, nothing i could do but merely not to die.

Although through this life I've experienced many good things possible; friendship, love, adventure. But, I can't find any meaning of what I've been doing in life.

I eat merely not to die.

I sleep and wake up merely to survive.

From morning to night,

From day to day,

From week to week,

From month to month,

From year to year,

I endure myself.

Nothing I can do other than this. I will keep doing it, no matter what. As long as I am still alive.

But, If I could choose, I would choose not to be born at all.

[saucetartar]

When life gets tough remember that you'll eventually die someday. So let it beat you. You don't have to try too hard if you don't wan't to. For some people breathing and waking up everyday is their biggest obstacle. And if you think so, then just keep doing it. One step at a time. Ugly, broke, have a bad personality, and sleep too much? Who cares. You do you.

I know suicide is always an option. But, remember your favorite tv series that's still on going? Maybe the ending is worth waiting for!

[saucetartar]

“She too was afraid of death. “If I could overcome that fear, I’d be happy….” Immediately, a nameless anguish seized her. She drew back from Marcel. No, she was overcoming nothing, she was not happy, she was going to die, in truth, without having been liberated. Her heart pained her; she was stifling under a huge weight that she suddenly discovered she had been dragging around for twenty years. Now she was struggling under it with all her strength. She wanted to be liberated even if Marcel, even if the others, never were.”

— Albert Camus, Exile and the Kingdom - The Adulterous Woman (via words-and-coffee)

[saucetartar]

Is it really possible for someone to achieve life goals without even knowing who is he?

At first glance, it seems like the answer must be “no”, for the trivial reason that if he does not know who he is, how does he know what his goals are? This is perhaps one reason why there has been significant emphasis on self-knowledge throughout the history of philosophy. If we do not know who we are, how can we possibly know how we should act?

The maxim “know yourself” has been attributed to many different thinkers throughout history, including Thales of Miletus (7th-6th century BCE), who is often considered to be the first philosopher in the Greek tradition. But it is possible that this maxim predates even Thales. Plato tells us in the Protagoras and the Phaedrus that this maxim could be found inscribed at the Temple of Apollo at Delphi. A popular legend was that this and the other Delphic maxims had been first given by the Oracle Pythia (likely 8th century BCE), and are thus the words of Apollo himself.

But once we’ve established that self knowledge is important, there is still the problem of how exactly one is supposed to come to know oneself. And so we launch ourselves into the rather daunting process of self-inquiry. We might first turn to our trusty friend science, but it tells us that we are living organisms, human beings, and so on, and this is not really the kind of knowledge we are looking for here. We might then turn to history, which can tell us a lot about the historical contingencies that led us to be the people that we are today, inculcated into a specific tradition of human practice, but, we might wonder, is this really all that we are? We might then turn to practical philosophy which can tell us that we are each rational agents capable of making choices that we will then have moral responsibility for in a political society, but again we might find this rather wide of the mark. We could also turn to more theoretical questions about identity, personhood, and so on, but will even these help us find what we really want?

After trying all of this, it may just be the case that our inquiry into the nature of the self reveals that the self doesn't actually exist, in any substantive sense. That is, while we have a convention of referring to such a thing as one's “self”, there may not be anything ultimately there. Perhaps each of us does not have anything like a fundamental essence, and rather our entire existence is completely conditional and dependent on everything else in the world.

So we seem to have returned to our original question: if we do not know who we are, how should we act? And at this point, the answer might just be: in any way we want. This might seem a bit alarming at first, but it is not to say that we can literally do anything we'd like. We all have very real social obligations and personal responsibilities that we should respect as members of a living community. And that's a big reason why actually going through this challenging process of self-inquiry (as described briefly above) is important, so that we can see all of the factors that have led to our own existence, why certain norms have been commonly accepted over time, why we have learned the things we've learned, etc.

But when this process of self-inquiry is over, and we have properly situated ourselves, as unbounded participants in a finite but genuinely enormous world, we might then realize that our options are pretty much unlimited in terms of who and what we can be. Rules that seemed solid and immutable before might now seem more flexible and open to revision. New thoughts and ideas then start to appear. Possibilities begin to seem endless. And so we create ourselves, just as we always have. And that is a good thing!

[saucetartar]

“Am I a good person? Deep down, do I even really want to be a good person, or do I only want to seem like a good person so that people (including myself) will approve of me? Is there a difference? How do I ever actually know whether I’m bullshitting myself, morally speaking?”

— David Foster Wallace, Consider The Lobster

[saucetartar]

Chaos and order are two inseparable things in life that complete each other. The complex duality of life is what binds space and time together anyway. That's the reason why everything exist?

Just like how we can't know the light without darkness. How we need to experience having bunch of burdens to understand the concept of freedom. Rather than stick with one side, embrace all of it and try to find the balance.

[saucetartar]

(Not really) In the Mood for Love

Back to my old self when everything about love is disgusting enough to make me wanna say yucks. It's both relieving and disappointing to be honest. Relieving because i feel like I'm starting to truly know my worth (which is.. not that much. Haaaha). But enough to stop begging, hating, or blaming myself and everything.

Disappointing because i know it's gonna be ten thousand more harder to fall in love. I mean it's always hard from the beginning, but now, not because i'm still head over heels with someone else. But because i don't think someone is worthy enough to spend my time with. Also, i'm not that confident to think i won't be a burden. I've got nothing much to offer.

Another problem is, the love standard is getting higher everytime i read romance manhwa or finished a K-drama. Hiks. So.. unless i got isekaied to One Piece world and meet Zoro... (but get slashed instead T__T).

Till then, i'm all good being single and loving myself. Hang out with friends, spend time with families. No pressure, no unnecessary cries, not worrying about how to make the s.o feel happy and comfortable.

As for my love journey so far, i don't regret any of it that i wish i could turn back the time change the past, since i actually had fun too, half of the times. But indeed it was traumatic enough to make me keep telling myself not to act the way i did, in the future. Love really makes me weak. Sigh.

[saucetartar]

22

I used to think that a birthday surprise is too fancy for me since i'm just a tiny little dust in this big universe. I meaan a birthday! What's so special about it? Also, who cares? I don't even give a shit about my surroundings birthday most of the times. But this year, last night, is prolly my best birthday ever. Surrounded by family and friends that i really adore. Thanks to the mastermind aka my Mother. God, Mom! Thinking about how you approach my friends is embarrassing enough. They don't even know each others yet you put them in the same group chat. How awkward was that? And i'm 22 ffs.. don't you think i'm too old for.. flowers? Oh my. Even when i was in JHS i already knew that's too cringey. Everything is so stupid to the point where i thought i'm wayyy more stupid because i freaking enjoy it. How can i be this happy when i'm supposed to feel gloomy and numb like i used too! Ha!

Some of you guys worried that i'd be mad. Even me, i didn't expect myself to feel so grateful and blessed over these things. Wait. I mean, hey! Imagine seeing (almost) all of your loved ones in one frame. One moment. Never crossed my mind ever.

It might be just another hbd hbd night to them, or they just simply bored and have nothing to do, or perhaps they feel bad because my mother text them personally. Whatever the reason is, i wanna say thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's actually way more deeper than just a birthday surprise. For me, yesterday's event is really a thought-changing. I experience a lot of new emotions and i feelings i've never knew before. And i love it very much to the point where i'm willing to die right here right now so that i could only remember the night as my last memories. (If necessary.. but no. Lol coward). Big kiss to each one of you guys. Thank you so so much. You guys have no idea how much it affects my life.

Special thanks to my mom and my sister. The sweetest thing you guys ever do for me. Ahaaha. I really wish you both of you a happy life and a sane mind. You guys also deserve a lot of happy positive things and of course a proper partner!

Cheers to the more laugh-less gloomy day of mine.

[saucetartar]

-

Without you telling me, i already know how strong and smart you are. Your life is hard and your mind can be so fucked up too sometimes. But you're unbeatable. And without you telling me, i already know how bad i am and how i really need to grow the fuck up. I wish i could change everything too, from the way i think to how i handle things. My personality, the way i look, or even the way i dress.

I hate wasting my time thinking about how to not wasting my time. I hate to always see life in a negative way. I don't wanna have an amazing wild and fun life, i don't need those. Just wanna figured out how to take care of myself and enjoy my every day life. And i'm fucking trying here. Like i wanna be like this. I don't. I just wish you could understand me better, encourage me gentler. Since you've been here too?

[saucetartar]

4-5

2021

I used to feel really sorry for you. How tragic your life is. How, I thought, you deserve so much better than this. Wondering why the God you always worship these past few years, treat you so unfair. I would be very mad if i were you. But you, you're fine with everything. More than fine, you feel relieved and blessed. You said.. God knows how strong you are, and It pay attention towards your existence. Your love to your God is absurd. But your strong belief is the one that keeps you alive and sane (in a way).

The more i talk to you again lately, the more I realize you don't need my pity or anyone else at all. You live a much better life than the rest of us. You have found your peace. You have nothing to worry about, not even people's opinion, not even having no food, not even getting left behind, not even death.

It's hard to feel grateful, but you do it every second so easily. You enjoy every breath you take. Even when you're at your lowest, you thank the God, and you meant it. You embrace the past, appreciate the present. And most importantly, you are always ready for whatever happens in the future.

Sure you're still far far faaar away from being kind and wise (from others perspective including me. Well actually, especially me), but hey, what matter the most is how we judge ourself?

Still, I truly envy you, how you appreciate yourself and your life. You live the life i've always wanted.

Peaceful, stable, simple, unbothered, fearless.

[saucetartar]

“Everyone is identical in their secret unspoken belief that way deep down they are different from everyone else.”

— David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest

[saucetartar]

My top 20 anime so far.. or atm

1. Shingeki no kyojin (no doubt)

2. Natsume Yuujinchou (ayakashi.. youkai..)

3. One Punch Man (lol, I'm always into an overpowered character)

4. Saiki K (kan)

5. Mob Psycho (🙂)

6. Kaichou wa maid sama (usui<3misaki forever!!✨💕🌸)

7. Ghost Hunt

8. Tasogare otome x amnesia

9. Hinamatsuri (just finished it 2 hours ago)

10. Kamisama hajimemashita

11. Noragami

12. Hataraku maou sama (agak harem jd agak.. gimana gitu. Tp ttp kesukaanku)

13. Shiki (anime terserem di dunia)

14. Gosick

15. Barakamon (thanks to my bf)

16. SAO (meski cinta2annya terlalu over tapi.. pernah jd top 2 bareng snk)

17. Isekai shokudou

18. That time i got reincarnated as a slime (S2 belom tamat krn waktu itu masih ongoing trus agak krik jd mager lanjut. Pokonya kalau udh isekai trus mcnya super kuat, mantap)

19. Ao haru ride

20. Overlord (ainz ooal gown my lord.. mc tengkorak tp seksi)

Ternyata 20 cuma muat segitu padahal masih banyak yg keren banget. Malah gak masukin kimetsu no yaiba, jujutso no kaisen, dr stone, bnha dll dll dll. Oh!Seved deadly sins dan ao no exorcist jugaa!! Hhhh. Kapan kapan dibikin lebih serius krn ini nulis jam 4 subuh, agak ngantuk.