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oopsie life decided my ass needed more kicking 

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Anaïs Nin, The Early Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1923–1927

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I was wounded early, and early I learned that wounds made me.

Adonis, from Celebrating Vague-Clear Things; Celebrating Childhood

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silentknives​:

Emily only offers a smile as a response—whatever undertones it implies is completely up to him. She says nothing else, only motioning her hand for him to follow. It’s a relatively short walk. There’s no use in indulging in small talk (not that she genuinely enjoys it anyway). She’d much rather save all her questions when they’re all settled. The café is small, but with plenty of outdoor seating. She spots a nice, semi-located place that overlooks the sea and the docks.

The sea, she thought, her eyes narrowing as her gaze sets on the water for a moment. What lies beyond the sea? Beyond the ‘hell on Earth’? Would her search end there? Would it satiate the belly of the beast—the devil—that resides within her?

Once inside the cozy café, she went on to order her usual, and then gestures to Jack to order whatever he’d like. Surely her budget would suffice for the both of them.

“I’d recommend the mille-feuille, if you like something light and fluffy, but also sweet.”

The trip is spent wandering in both mind and body, waiting for just one wrong move on her part to send everything into chaos. It doesn’t happen; frankly, it would be preferable to the suspense hanging overhead. At the very least he’s given a semblance of relaxation when they arrive to the venue. Too many eyes for a dagger in the chest here; the only weapon she’ll have is words. What a lack of fortune it is that her next few are oh so “charming”.

“Something to match my personality, I’m sure.” Resignation is held within the bark, owing to the fact her suggestion ends up being his choice. A minute amount of studying shockingly didn’t prepare John for the variety of new vocabulary and nutriments found beyond the sea. 

It lands itself in his vision: a cascading plethora of rolling waves, once a mystery but now truth. If only the man could find it impressive. All it is an abyss, dividing the world into seemingly distinct partitions that in reality are all the same at their core. Crossing a thousand blues would still net the same end result: a torrent of red, unfettered by reason. Greed, bloodlust, and hate permeate to every corner, never changing. Some might be more hopeful about it, but not him. Not him.

“You wanna hurry up and get to the point or are you content with just staring at the water all day?” Back to her, again. Hopefully? his suspicion will be proven wrong, but on the other hand... things never are that easy, are they?

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where does your anger lurk?

in your fists.

holes in the drywall, no recollection of how it got there. coming down from a haze of red... there's blood on your palm, dripping from bruised knuckles. blinding rage. pulse quickens, mind goes furiously blank.

tagged by: I’LL STEAL IT, NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW tagging: anyone who knows

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what darker love do you embody?

love like a black hole.

you call it love, but it is painfully cold. some may call it cruel. no others may touch what you have, you have laid claim. you can feel the emptiness clawing and crawling into where your heart should be... and that same darkness which crushed your soul will wither the one you profess to love.

tagged by: @accendible (thx friend :D) tagging: yes

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They will cut you to pieces, child.

Alice Notley, from Certain Magical Acts

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“Did you cut your hands on me? Are my edges sharp?”

— Sufjan Stevens, Enchanting Ghost (via regulusblacking)

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how do you need to be touched?

cautiously.

your teeth are bared, as they have been, your jaw aching for so long as growls slip free. you always have to defend yourself. you lash out in fear. you need someone who does not shrink back... a hand falling slowly to your shoulder, however briefly, in a reminder that you do not have to lunge. there is no danger here, now.

tagged by: @silentknives​ (thanks friend!) tagging: @everyone 

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oceansvanidicus​:

“Oh, no, it really is a miracle. Or a curse. They’re the same thing either way you look at it.”

Turning to face the other, Armin’s eyes narrow in. Despite the gleam, there’s something missing in them though whatever it is, it is carefully hidden beneath a thick layer of curiosity and wariness.

An odd combination, but fitting.

“The world is full of secrets, most of them nipping at our heels the more we ignore them. You can’t uncover much of anything if you’re dead.” His gaze finds the text again, but he knows it front and back already. While admittedly a bit dull, he couldn’t help picking apart the words and meanings over and over again, like loose thread from a quilt. He carefully unraveled each square until he either found a solution or more questions.

“And what is fiction but a reflection of the world around us? The good and the bad, of course.” Not that many fiction books were particularly imaginative, in his opinion, but that’s only because he didn’t know when to stop thinking, to stop analysing.

He didn’t dignify the last question with a response, rhetorical as it must have been, and settled for running his finger along the edge of the paper, eyes alight with a worn but gentle light.

“But I have to ask if you’re willing to share, why do you think that? It’s a bit nihilistic, don’t you think?”

As his more cheery partner preaches gospel, their eyes are what draw his attention the most. They shimmer with something foreign, or maybe... forgotten? Certainly their ability to spew the drivel coming out of their mouth is a result of that mystery held in those orbs. The now irritating look of them could be related to the question that stops him in his tracks. Maybe it’s how presumptuous it is that causes his teeth to grit.

Maybe it’s the fact that he’s right.

“I have my reasons.” Those words were about all he could muster without spilling every unpleasantry whirling in his mind out like garbage. Screams, scars, and solitude were credible evidence to prove the point, but John would dare not speak of them. Again he can see the red pooling in his palms, but a blink later and it’s gone. Realizing the vague answer will only prompt personal questions, a sigh escapes him as he fumbles for something more clear.

“You know something that should be fictional, but isn’t? Colossal beings making humanity their dinner and forcing them in a 50 meter tall cage to kill each other in. You’re telling me there’s a bright side to that?” The page his eyes find themselves on again is full of facts; a part of him wishes it all was made up. A part of him wants to laugh at the author for making a story so ludicrous, but he can’t. 

The good and the bad, huh? What a joke.

“That optimism’s only going to get shattered one day. If it doesn’t, then congratulations on being Titan fodder.” An oxymoron of vindication and resignation swirl in umber as they meet blue, waiting for the rebuttal soon to come.

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Rage, maybe rage would lift me up, make me stand, make me walk—

Marlon James, Black Leopard, Red Wolf (via antigonick)

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“you can not remain a war between what you want to say (who you really are) and what you should say (who you pretend to be) your mouth was not designed to eat itself. — split.”

oceansvanidicus — indie armin arlert rp. semi-selective & mutuals only. sfw & 18+

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I doubt; I fear; I think strange things which I dare not confess to my own soul.

Bram Stoker, from 'Dracula'

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"In this world, we’re just beginning to understand the miracle of living.” - @oceansvanidicus

Dull is the most apt description for it: the tedious labor of scanning paper and shoving the words into the mind like they’re meant to mean something. One could assume the reader lacks understanding; that’d only be a half-truth. The material isn’t fully incomprehensible, yet it is  antonymous with interest in the unfocused hazel eyes that “attempt” to study it. How unfortunate that it’s necessary, leading to an arrangement that lacks favor. Tuning out meaningless words with sight and sound up to now, a small few finally manage to sound somewhat entertaining.

Eyes focus now, directing their attention to the source, as if it will help absorb and dissect the statement bit by bit. For once it gives him something to think about: the miracle of living... The idea swirls inside for a moment, an inspection underway to find what about it strikes him. Results point to the nature of the notion as the culprit: it’s paradoxical. 

“I think I’m beginning to understand that you don’t understand. Life isn’t a miracle, not in the slightest.” The response comes in a voice about as dull as the last however many minutes spent poring over useless information. His wrist flicks in a slight wave, as if shooing any counterargument away before it starts. “But hey, maybe you prefer reading fiction. Who am I to judge your interests, huh?”

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                                           i’ve gripped rage,                                    i’ve wielded it like a weapon.

[sauersten]

❥     𝟖𝟎𝐬 𝐇𝐈𝐓𝐒    [   𝚂𝙴𝙽𝚃𝙴𝙽𝙲𝙴 𝚂𝚃𝙰𝚁𝚃𝙴𝚁𝚂    ]   .

sentence starters inspired by various lyrics from random hits from the 1980s !!   some lyrics have been slightly modified to be more usable .  change gendered language   &   add context to your needs .  happy roleplaying !!  ♡

“   something’s  buggin’  me .   ” “   something  ain’t  right .   ” “   my  best  friend  told  me  what  you  did  last  night .   ” “   i  should  have  been  with  you  instead .   ” “   wake  me  up  before  you  go .   ” “   i’m  not  planning  on  going  solo .   ” “   take  me  dancing  tonight .   ” “   you’re  my  lady ,   i’m  your  fool .   ” “   it  makes  me  crazy  when  you  act  so  cruel .   ” “   come on ,  baby .   let’s  not  fight .   ” “   we’ll  go  dancing   &   everything  will  be  alright .   ” “   we’ll  go  dancing  tomorrow  night .   ” “   it’s  cold  out  there ,   but  it’s  warm  in  bed .   ” “   don’t  look  at  it  like  it’s  forever .   ” “   i  guess  that’s  why  they  call  it  the  blues .   ” “   time  on  my  hands  could  be  time  spent  with  you .   ” “   picture  my  face  in  your  hands .   ” “   live  for  each  second  without  hesitation .   ” “   never  forget  i’m  your  man .   ” “   cry  in  the  night  if  it  helps .   ” “   i  simply  love  you  more  than  i  love  life  itself .   ” “   some  boys  kiss  me ,   some  boys  hug  me ,   i  think  they’re  okay .   ” “   the  boy  with  the  cold  hard  cash  is  always  mister  right .   ” “   you  know  that  we  are  living  in  a  material  world .   ” “   i  am  a  material  girl .   ” “   boys  may  come   &   boys  may  go .   ” “   experience  has  made  me  rich   &   now  they’re  after  me .   ” “   opposites  attract .   ” “   you  must  try  to  ignore  that  it  means  more  than  that .   ” “   what’s  love  got  to  do  with  it ??   ” “   who  needs  a  heart  when  a  heart  can  be  broken ??   ” “   it  scares  me  to  feel  this  way .   ” “   there’s  still  enough  time  to  figure  out  how  to  chase  my  blues  away .   ” “   i’ve  done  alright  up  ‘til  now .   ” “   i  wanna  dance  with  somebody  who  loves  me .   ” “   i’ve  been  in  love   &   lost  my  senses .   ” “   sooner  or  later ,   the  fever  ends ,   and  i  wind  up  feeling  down .   ” “   when  the  night  falls ,   my  lonely  heart  calls .   ” “   don’t  you  wanna  dance ??   ” “   i’m  sick   &   tired  of  everything .   ” “   all  i  do  is  eat   &   sleep   &   sing .   ” “   there  are  moments  when  i  think  i’m  going  crazy .   ” “   the  sight  of  you  will  prove  to  me  i’m  still  alive .   ” “   some  boys  take  a  beautiful  girl   &   hide  her  away  from  the  rest  of  the  world .   ” “   i  wanna  be  the  one  to  walk  in  the  sun .   ” “   you  could  never  know  what  it’s  like .   ” “   there’s  a cold   &   lonely  light  that  shines  from  you .   ” “   you’ll  wind  up  like  the  wreck  you  hide  behind  that  mask  you  use .   ” “   did  you  think  this  fool  could  never  win ??   ” “   i’m  still  standing  after  all  this  time .   ” “   i’m  picking  up  the  pieces  of  my  life  without  you  on  my  mind .   ” “   i’m  still  standing .   ” “   if  our  love  was  just  a  circus ,  you’d  be  a  clown  by  now .   ” “   heaven  is  a  place  on  earth .   ” “   they  say  in  heaven ,   love  comes  first .   ” “   we’ll  make  heaven  a  place  on  earth .   ” “   in  this  world ,   we’re  just  beginning  to  understand  the  miracle  of  living .   ” “   i  was  afraid  before ,   but  i’m  not  afraid  anymore .   ” “   when  you  dance ,  there’s  a  magic  that  must  be  love .   ” “   i’ll  be  coming  for  your  love ,   okay ??   ” “   i’ll  be  gone  in  a  day  or  two .   ” “   i’m  slowly  learning  that  life  is  okay  ??   ” “   it’s  no  better  to  be  safe  than  sorry .   ” “   you’re  all  the  things  i’ve  got  to  remember .   ” “   you’re  shying  away .   ” “   i’ll  be  coming  for  you ,   anyway .   ” “   sweet  dreams  are  made  of  this .   ” “   who  am  i  to  disagree  ??   ” “   everybody’s  looking  for  something .   ” “   keep  your  head  up .   ” “   it’s  gonna  take  a  lot  to  drag  me  away  from  you .   ” “   there’s  nothing  that  a  hundred  men  or  more  could  ever  do .   ” “   i  seek  to  cure  what’s  deep  inside .   ” “   i’m  frightened  of  this  thing  that  i’ve  become .   ” “   some  are  born  to  sing  the  blues .   ” “   sometimes  i  feel  i’ve  got  to  run away .   ” “   the  love  we  share  seems  to  go  nowhere .   ” “   once  i  ran  to  you .   now ,   i’ll  run  from  you .   ” “   you  need  someone  to  hold  you  tight .   ” “   don’t  touch  me ,   please .   ” “   i  love  you ,   though  you  hurt  me  so .   ” “   i  just  want  to  tell  you  how  i’m  feeling .   ” “   we’ve  known  each  other  for  so  long .   ” “   your  heart’s  been  aching ,   but  you’re  too  shy  to  say it .   ” “   you’re  turning  heads .   ” “   anything  you  wear  looks  good  on  you  especially .   ” “   there’s  nothing  i  can  tell  you  that  you  haven’t  already  heard  a  half  a million times ,   but  still ,   i’d  like  to  say  you  wear  it  well .  ” “   they  can’t  compete  with  you .   ” “   you’re  more  than  just  a  pretty  face .   ” “   you’ve  got  exactly  what  it  takes .   ” “   can  you  feel  it ,   too ??   ” “   i  toss   &   turn  in  my  bed  in  the  morning  when  i  think  about  you .   ” “   i  attempt  to  look  my  best  for  you .   ” “   you  sure  are  sweet .   ” “   would  you  mind  if  i  had  a  little  bit  more  of  your  time ??  ” “   just  keep  doing  what  you  do .   ”

[sauersten]

All I could see in front of me was loss and darkness.

Margaret Atwood, from ‘The Testaments’