savannahthehuman

[savannahthehuman]

Wowzers I never use tumblr anymore, however I feel the need to vent somewhere. And this place is probably the most hidden yet visible piece of social media I have so I’m going to try and use it to cope, I guess. Word vom incoming.

I have a lot of thoughts, and each and every one of them hurt to keep inside of me. People tell me all the time to come to them if I need anything, or if I need to vent. Because I am always, ALWAYS, there for anyone if they need me, so it would seem normal to expect the same. I dont ask for much. Respect my boundaries, and my social queues. But also for the few times that I do need to confide in someone, please actually be there for me. I have been constantly betrayed, over and over, and it feels like im honestly stuck in Hell. I really dont know what a good friend is or what they are supposed to be anymore. I have put my heart and soul into people that didnt deserve it, and now because they destroyed me, i am so easily hateful and resentful of my new friends who seemingly betray me, even if they dont mean to. After getting shit on essentially by manipulative, toxic friends, I of course was chomping at the bit in order to find new friends or rekindle old flames. But the problem is that if they slip up on something I hold near and dear to me, I cant help but hold a grudge now, I cant let anything slide to save my life. 

I felt awful at the beginning of my break, and no one bothered to listen to me. I brought up my feelings to multiple people and they all just avoided the topic, in fact some literally replied with “lol” and then changed the subject like im some kind of joke. Even though most of the time they are great people and are nice to me, I feel like im back at square one. Alone. I feel like no one truly understands me, and that I dont have anyone I can 100% rely on if I need it. No one would ever go out of their way for me anymore. Part of me feels like I deserve this treatment. The other part says I deserve better. And so I sit in resentment and sorrow. It really feels like nothing I do is good enough for anyone because Im not memorable obviously. Im ready for everyone to completely forget that my birthday is monday. 

Everyone else’s problems will forever be worse than mine and be prioritized over mine. Im tired of this endless cycle of hell that im in. Im tired of psychotic friends that believe im not talking to them enough for their liking, or not giving enough in general. Who send me pictures of self harm wounds despite me requesting not to see them. For constantly begging me to stay because everyone else left. I OWE YOU NOTHING btw. I will be a friend to those who let me be a friend. 

ALSO Im tired of hiding what I enjoy or who I am. I feel like I cant express who I am or Ill be criticized for cultural appropriation or whatever. But let me introduce myself:

Hi. I’m Savannah. I am white and I enjoy all music, including music from different languages, primarily Korean. I have an interest in different cultures, including several asian cultures, and aspire to learn a few different related languages. I am an artist who loves to play video games, especially League of Legends. I am not skinny, and im slowly learning how to deal with that fact and accept it. I am an INFJ and enjoy time alone, and time with my friends. And no one can take that away from me. 

Basically, I just want one person that I would go out of the way for to return the favor to me. Or at least just listen to me when I need it. Thats really all I ask. I dont care about gifts, those make me uncomfortable if anything. Just. Lend an ear. But thats too hard I guess. 

[savannahthehuman]

im sorry im really really sorry I just wanted the best for everything. I wanted to be the best friend I could be to someone who I thought deserved the world. And honestly id probably still give the world for. I thought you hated me... I could have sworn. I never made you happy, I failed at that too. You still missed all your old friends and thought of trying to get new ones while I was around. But you're happy now, you rediscovered your friends and have a boyfriend who loves you and you love him just as much. And I'm glad you have a newfound hope and happiness in life, I just wish I could have been what made you that happy. Instead I was greedy, and ashamed of myself. I just wanted to be treated like a friend and I had to go out and hide things and ruin everything. I didnt want to interrupt your happiness but I did it anyway through means of people whom i never want to associate with ever again. I just miss everything and i failed you. I want a fresh start in our friendship, I want to be a best friend again, I dont want to hide things, but i doubt you want to even look at me again. I'm sorry for making everything awkward and destroying everything. But I have never left, just like I promised

[savannahthehuman]

[savannahthehuman]

To my girls with thunderous thighs, fat bellies, and double chins, take up all the space you need and lay out and relax. Push back tables with force to make room for those powerful thighs. Treat your soft belly kindly. Smile as big as your fabulous body is. Love yourself fiercely.

[savannahthehuman]

banana dog

[savannahthehuman]

[savannahthehuman]

Spring-Summer 2015 Haute Couture CHANEL show

[savannahthehuman]

[savannahthehuman]

tell me it’s okay // paramore

[savannahthehuman]

i’m learning to love myself more

[savannahthehuman]

[savannahthehuman]

He yelled at me until we adopted him

[savannahthehuman]

sorry

[savannahthehuman]

im just sad and lonely and bad at math

[savannahthehuman]

[savannahthehuman]

[savannahthehuman]

"They always say it’s clear to see how parts of you shine through in me."