savedgraciously

[savedgraciously]

Day 7 - your best friend

ouuuu I love this question!!

my best friend is Andrea. we recently went to veld together and in a couple of weeks, we’re going by to see the Jonas Brothers.

she has been a godsend in the last three years. we’ve always been really good friends since high school but we didn’t really talk much when I was dating my ex. I reconnected with her as if no years have gone by.

she’s my rave mom, my fave support system and my bestest friend in the world. I can always run to her with no judgement and no pressure to hangout because we know we will always see each other.

August = New Journal Prompts

[savedgraciously]

Day 6 - Your day

I woke up at 4:30 am to do a cardio workout before my shift at 7 am. Andrew also gets up really early since he has to be at work for 6 am.

I work as an ECE with kindergarten children. It’s pretty sweet I would say. They’re at the age where they don’t talk back and are capable of doing a lot of things on their own but I’m still there to support them.

we had some pets come into work for the kids to learn about and even feel the texture of their skins. There was a rabbit, chinchilla, hedgehog, tortoise and some other reptiles. My kids did really good and I was very proud of them. My shift was done at 4 pm. Andrew picked me up, showered and I immediately made dinner: chicken Bicol express. Dinner was well loved for sure and we started season 4 of Stranger Things.

we went to bed at 9:30 pm.

August = New Journal Prompts

[savedgraciously]

Day 5 - your definition of love

and I’m backkkkkk…. two years later 😂

life has been different since two years ago. I’ll probably talk about it in a different blog.

now for my definition of love, two years ago Joann would have told you something completely different. Something like, love is not just romance. You can find love in friends and family.

I still believe in all that but to add to this; love is not giving up on the people you love. love is lifting up the people you care about, one person can’t always be at a 100% and that’s okay. But that’s why you surround people who can support you on your darkest and happiest days.

August = New Journal Prompts

[savedgraciously]

2 Years Later, Thank you...

A little bit over a week ago marked the 2nd year anniversary of when my partner of 5 years left me...

I'm sure no one really reads this blog but it's basically my digital diary. Him leaving me was the absolute best thing that's ever happened to me. I always tell myself or others when they ask me about it, "I'm so glad he left because I don't think I ever would have." This is the one thing I was thankful for. I'm writing this as my final goodbye to him as I continue to move on with my life while hoping I never see him again.

Thank you, Thyrane. You loved me and I loved you but I have accepted the fact that we weren't meant to be. We both needed to make room for better things and you weren't that for me. I hope you are happy. It took me a while say that. When I saw you in the beginning of the year, I was devastated. You were with a new girl and you brought her to the Starbucks reunion while I actively made it a point that I wasn't going to bring Andrew with me because I'm not that kind of person but he did come to my rescue about an hour later after I saw you.

When you left me 2 years ago, I didn't know what to do with myself. At that point, I haven't been alone for 5 years. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with you, grow old with you and just figure life out with you but nope, you had different plans for us. You were pulling away without me realizing it. I was still giving you my all while you were leaving me breadcrumbs and the bare minimum. You gave me a chance to fall in love with myself again because God knows I forgot how to. I became more active, I lost 40 lbs, I went out with my friends who I barely saw when I was with you, I did things that I never got to do, and I can't thank you enough. Probably the scariest things I ever had to do was leave my job as an ECE and move out of my parents' house.

I remember training to be a vision therapist and I didn't think I was good enough. It was hella hard to hype myself up when I had you for the last 5 years reassuring me that I'll be amazing. I hate how I relied on you that much that I couldn't even talk myself up. Eventually, I finished my training and I was a great vision therapist. I can straight up say I did that myself without you (obvi the support of my trainers) I couldn't believe in myself unless you were around but since you were gone, I figured it out. Moving out of my parents' house was a spur of the moment kind of decision; Kristy needed a new roommate and I offered. It was great 75% of the time but that won't be mentioned too much here. This is about me thanking you.

Thank you again for letting me go because you know very well I never would have, ever. Sometimes, I wonder how I would be if I ever saw you again... To be honest, I don't ever want to see you again. But I don't have that kind of control with the universe and God. If I do see you again, I hope I don't react the same way I did last time. You don't have that kind of power over me so I'll be better. No closure was my closer and I've made my peace with that. If you wanted to reach out, you would have. You were a big part of my life and now, you're just someone I used to love and spend a lot of time with.

Thank you, Thyrane.

[savedgraciously]

For The One I Didn't Know I Needed

Hi you,

Meeting you was something I was expecting, knowing that I was on the dating apps. But one thing is for sure, I didn't think you would ever be this significant in my life. Getting on the apps after being single for 2 weeks wasn't the best but damn, I sure was glad that I did that.

You were someone I wasn't expecting myself to fall in love with. Yes, you had all the traits of my childhood crushes; blonde hair, blue eyes and damn you're tall. Hell, I found you hella attractive since Day 1. The way you smiled at me when I waved hi to you to get your attention, I was hooked from there. Granted yes, I was coming out of a 5-year relationship but I wanted someone to keep me company as I navigate through life without the person who broke my heart.

You didn't want anything serious either which I was fine with because looking back at it now, I'm sure it would have been a terrible idea. I'm glad we worked out the way we did. You taught me how to chill out and just take things day by day because knowing me, I was always planning wayyyyy too far ahead and it broke me. Okay okay, I know I still plan ahead but only because I want things to be more convenient for both of us and usually it works out well.

It's been a very tricky 4 months between us. We've hurt each other in more ways than 1 and I'm going to own up to it, it was my fault. All you ever did but make me feel loved, secure and happy but I know I have a tendency to sabotage my relationships because in my head, I don't deserve to be happy. Or maybe I'm afraid of getting hurt again so I hurt myself more??? I know it doesn't make sense.

You are the absolute best person I have ever met my entire life. You have had a big impact and I'm going to try my hardest to keep us going. Please don't give up on me. Please don't give up on us. I really love you. I never thought I would be capable to love again but here we are... I'm so in love with you. I want us to get through whatever life throws at us and come out stronger.

I know I have a lot of things to work through but the thought of losing you... I can't fathom it. Imagining a life without the absolute best person in my life, it breaks my heart just thinking about it. I want to keep waking up next to you. I want to keep doing fun things with you. I want to keep taking care of you.

I love you so so much with all I have left in this damaged heart and soul but damn, I will be better to keep you in my life.

[savedgraciously]

Day 4 - What I ate today

Breakfast: overnight oats, hashbrowns and green tea

Lunch: quinoa with peas & carrots with chicken adobo and cucumber kimchi

Dinner: maybe nothing? I'm intermittent fasting.

August = New Journal Prompts

[savedgraciously]

Day 3 - Your Parents

Lol, I suck at keeping up with this. I swear I'm trying my best.

My parents... probably the most selfless people I know. They gave up their nice, cushion-y jobs to bring my siblings and I to Canada in the hopes of a better future for each of us and that was the best decision they made.

My mom and I didn't always have the best relationship when I was younger but now that I don't live with her, I can tolerate her more and she doesn't try to control me anymore since she doesn't know everything going on with my life anymore or at least she doesn't try anymore.

My dad was always the more understanding one between the two of them. I'm a daddy's girl; If I needed the car, he will let me use it. He was a disciplinarian when I was growing up but it was more so my mom than him because he worked all the time.

August = New Journal Prompts

[savedgraciously]

Day 2 - Your first love

Oof.. if you've been here a while, you will know who my first love was. It was Dweeb.

I used to blog a lot about him in 2016 to early 2017. He was the guy I had a long distance relationship with that didn't last very long. Total 10 months, 5 months together and 5 months apart. I really thought I was going to make it with him but we were young and dumb so it was a recipe for disaster.

I did see him again when I went back home to the Philippines for a visit. I met up with him thinking I'll be okay and not catch feelings but then I did... it took me a while again to completely get over him but it was such an experience I wouldn't have to have happen again to me and it definitely helped me learn some things. Like just because you see him again and catch feelings, that doesn't mean he feels the same way. Or not everybody ends up with their first love. I'm not one of the lucky ones.

To this day, I still think he's the one that got away from me. Not that I still love him or anything. I just think some things are better left unanswered or else i will spend the rest of my life wondering what could've been.

August = New Journal Prompts

[savedgraciously]

Day 1 - Introduce Yourself

Hello! I'm J, I've been on Tumblr since I was 14 years old and I am now 27 (turning 28 next month). This account specifically is made for my thoughts; this is basically my journal.

If you've been here a while or you've been reading my journal, you'll know that I've been through so much shit in the last year but now, I'm feeling so much better.

I was an early childhood educator for 5 years until I decided to do a complete 180 on my career. I'm now a neuro-visual therapist. It's a really fancy job title for someone that teaches you how to use your eyes properly and bring more awareness for your vision. This is the best job I have ever had and I don't see myself leaving anytime soon.

I'm the 4th and last child of my family. I have 3 older siblings, 2 brothers and a sister. I'm closer to my oldest brother and my sister. I don't talk too much to my other brother due to some personal issues. I don't live with them anymore which makes my relationship with them a little better. I was always closer to my dad growing up but now that I'm living away from them, I'm very close to both of my parents.

I know how to drive! I just don't have a car to drive. I can borrow my parents' but that's very rare. If I need to go anywhere, I usually take the TTC or I get picked up.

I am an immigrant; born and raised in the Philippines. I moved here when I was 15 years old. I don't see myself moving back there, ever. I still have my bestest friends there and I miss them so much.

I'm a Virgo! I don't really believe in it. Well, more so for myself vs. other people. I could be introverted unless I'm with people I'm very comfortable with. I am an extremely neat person! My attention to detail when things are messy is top tier. I can't say the same for my work though, hahaha. Sometimes I completely miss details in my files at work unless I really take my time with it. I'm very caring when it comes to people I care about and at times, I could be judgmental. Not really my best trait.

August = New Journal Prompts

[savedgraciously]

August = New Journal Prompts

[savedgraciously]

Day 30 - about anything

Songs that helped me get through it...

Clean by Taylor Swift / "Just because you're clean, don't mean you don't miss it"

the 1 by Taylor Swift / "would've been fun if you were the one"

Normal Girl by SZA / "This time next year, I'll be living so good. Won't remember no pain, I swear"

Special by SZA / "I used to be special. But you made me hate me. Regret that I changed me. I hate that you made me. Just like you"

Keep Your Head Up by Birdy / "Hold tight, you're slowly coming back to life"

The Way Life Goes by Lil Uzi Vert / "I know it hurts sometimes but you'll get over it. You'll find another life to live. I know that you'll get over it."

W.A.Y.S. by Jhene Aiko / "That life only gets harder, but you gotta get stronger"

better off by Ariana Grande / "I'm better off not being around you"

Cornelia Street by Taylor Swift / "That's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend"

see you later (ten years) by Jenna Raine / "Time wasn't in our favour"

Let's Get Back Into Journaling

[savedgraciously]

Day 29 - about us

Us... We haven't been us since June 10th, 2022. I'm deciding to write about you and me so I can remind myself to never look back again if anyone from my past comes back to haunt me. It doesn't have to be you. It can be anyone that was there when we were "us."

I felt loved by you at some point in time. You loved me when I couldn't love myself and how I looked. Early 20's Joann clearly needed that but now that I'm almost 28 and I've done the work to get to where I am, I'm happy and content. I have my friends, family and a job that I enjoy going to everyday, I'm good.

I've definitely felt pain before you but the pain you put me through was a different kind. I didn't think I would ever get over it but here I am, a year later, writing about it with my newly found peace and contentment. Now I know to never accept the kind of "love" you were giving me. You gave me the bare minimum. You gave me false hopes. You gave me the chance to fall in love with myself again and I think that's the only thing I can be thankful for. All I can is I hope you're okay and you're feeling as content as I am.

I'm glad I loved you. Loved. I don't anymore, thank God. I haven't felt love for you since 3 months after the break up but I did miss the idea of you and what we could've been but sitting here now talking about it, maybe I didn't love you anymore even towards the end. I was just afraid of the idea of not having anyone but you weren't really doing much for me anymore aside from that.

Let's Get Back Into Journaling

[savedgraciously]

Day 28 - about you

I guess this will be the second last time I will be talking about you.

Yesterday was your 30th birthday. I didn't greet you because why should I and going no contact with you was the best thing I didn't know I needed until I was forced to go through it. Thank you for that.

Up until June 2022, I always thought I would've grown old with you but when you left, that was it. It wasn't the dream anymore. I'm glad we don't have to be in each other's lives anymore. You did make me happy at some point in my life but being with you was also some of the most painful time I've gone through. I'm thankful you decided to leave because I don't think I ever had to guts to finally be the one to say goodbye. Do I regret my time with you? No, I don't but regret staying for that long because I was hoping for forever with you.

I have some questions for you but I don't think I would ever get the answers because I don't want to see or hear from you ever again. I've muted all your friends on social media. You appear on their posts sometimes and when I see it, I feel indifferent to seeing you which is a good sign. I feel like I've reached a point where I can legitimately say I'm okay.

Again, thank you for giving me a chance to love someone like you and to be loved and taken cared of by you even if in the end, you hurt me. I can't wish you happiness or anything because I am indifferent to the idea of you and your friends. Hopefully, your next one won't be as needy as I was and my next one will help me grow and not bring out the worst version of myself.

Let's Get Back Into Journaling

[savedgraciously]

Day 27 - about me

Hi, it's me! I'm the problem, it's me!

I'm Joann. 2022 Joann was a whole ass mess. I'm pretty sure if you read my blog you're very well aware of what I've been through. However, 2022/2023 Joann has been doing the work. I've sat in my loneliness and I actually enjoy the solitude now. Before, I used to hate it. I didn't know how to enjoy my own company. When I moved out in the beginning of the year, that's when I fully understood how nice it is to be alone.

I feel like I've done all I needed to do to heal. I still have my moments for sure and I still need to work on how to detach myself from certain people and situation but aside from that, I'm doing pretty good. My self-awareness is so good. So good that I know when a decision is bad I can admit it and when it doesn't work out in my favour, I can hold myself accountable and not blame other people and that's on healing and growth!

As for my health, I've lost 40 lbs since I was broken up with and I'm so happy about it. I never thought I would lose this much and I love myself for it. I've been very disciplined and consistent with my routine. I've been able to wear more clothes that show off my body. 2022 Joann would have never considered wearing cropped tank tops but now, that's mostly all I wear outside. I also enjoy showing off the tatties so why not?

Let's Get Back Into Journaling

[savedgraciously]

Day 26 - about calmness

Finally, a topic I can say a lot about...

I've reached a point in my healing where I'm okay with what I have going on. Having a job that I love and looking forward to going to everyday is such a big factor for me. I got my friends, family and I basically live on my own and can take care of myself.

I've been pretty calm this month because I chose to focus on what I have vs. what I don't (a partner). The universe decided to throw me a curveball and said, "she's calm and peaceful. Let's make it chaotic."

So the girl that kept touching on my ex... in front of me... during a friend's birthday party. She decided to re-insert herself into my life by messaging and commenting on my pictures on Instagram. What really boggles my mind is why now... exactly a year after she did what she did...

Some questions are better off left unanswered so I'm leaving it unless she decides to come out and say what the fuck she wants to say.

Let's Get Back Into Journaling

[savedgraciously]

Day 25 - about similarities

All of my friends are different people but we always compliment each other in good ways. Sometimes I struggle to process a situation so I would confide in my friends to see what they would say. Some of them have similar reactions like mine and some are slightly different.

I feel like if I'm too similar with a person it's nice in some ways but that's not always the case. I like hearing various views on things and situations. Hearing about different people's opinion is good.

Not sure where I'm going with this but okay....

Let's Get Back Into Journaling

[savedgraciously]

Day 24 - about differences

This is a quite a topic. I'm choosing to talk about my roommate, my close friend and one of the best people I know.

Before I moved in with her, I was aware of the differences. She's a nerd and I'm not. We're both mentally unstable but more so her than me. She can literally sleep all day if she can and I don't like being unproductive. With cleanliness, my attention to detail is *chef's kiss* and her she'll do the bare minimum.

I have never lived with a roommate before, always with family but I prefer a roommate because with family, they expect to do things for them. As for roommates, not so much. She used to leave her dishes overnight in the sink but I've told them story about how dishes is such a triggering topic for me. Since then, her and her boyfriend have been cleaning up after themselves much faster. She hasn't complained much about me except for my volume during certain situations but that's it. Maybe I complain a lot more and I feel bad but I feel like we're in a good place now.

Let's Get Back Into Journaling