savingmywords

[savingmywords]

Darating yung araw na gugustuhin mong bumalik sa lugar kung saan ka nagsimula. Alalahanin yung mga istoryang kay saya. Balikan yung oras kung saan ang munting pangarap ay binuo at pasalamatan ang mga taong naglakbay kasama mo. Lalo na yung mga gurong patuloy na sumuporta nung pinili mong lumayo. Minsan ka man tumalikod sa espasyong 'to, ang mga turo ng kahapon ay hahakbang kasabay mo. ♥️

[savingmywords]

First Theater Rejection

November 14,2018

Today was my first ever audition rejection and it did really hurt. I guess I failed and surely wasn't good enough. I've waited for it but I disappointed myself for not doing great. I did prepare for today's audition, remembered what I learned from PETA but I really got scared. My hands were shaky before I entered the room. I did the italian run not to miss any line but then I forgot the next word in that monologue. I failed, I knew. The panel was scary and even asked me if I had other interpretations. I said Yes even I didn't have. They didn't finish me with the lines and said "thank you". That hurt so much but I saw one panel writing then I overheard my name "Madelaine" from her seat and kept writing. I didn't have any idea what was it. Then when I said "thank you" after my audition, one panel sitting at the center said back "Thanks, Mads" and smiled at me. I didn't know what was going on since I was still trembling. But, it was a nice experience though. Promise to do better next time.

[savingmywords]

To My Everything

TO MY EVERYTHING:

This journey isnt as good as others. Doubts and fears are inside my heart, wondering if I could surpass one thing. You know me 100 % and You dont want me to take a moment without You. You have been my strength since You gave me my life. Life that has numerous ups and downs but Your hand is always ready to give. I dont know how to take a path when You arent beside me whispering words I want to hear. You are my companion when I dont feel like talking especially when I cant describe my feeling. You are always there when I need You the most, when everybody walks away from me. Nobody chooses me because I am not everyone's cup of coffee because I am nothing but You are there to listen, You always tell me that I am beloved and I deserve Your love. You make me believe that when you disturb me with doubts and fears, there are more things out there that are reserved to make me feel better. I can't do small things without You coz You are my refuge. You are my voice when I can't speak, You fight for me when I cant even stand for myself. You are so amazing. I am sorry for all the wrong things I make everyday. I am a sinner but You always forgive me. I am not worthy but You love me. Thank You for believing in me in times of despair. I fail but You help me rise again. You are my everything, Jesus.

[savingmywords]

Not Shortlisted

August 9, 2018

It's easy to tell yourself "it's fine if it's not for me" but deep within your heart you are crashing for it's the thing you always wanted. It hurts me. Really hurts me for I was rejected before I stand in front. I wasn't shortlisted for the dream I've been imagining for long. I already pictured out things in my head, I listed down the important events that could happen and I was so excited because I was ready to begin embracing my passion. But everything disappeared in one second. I know there are things that aren't destined for us, it's just that it saddens me that I wasn't able to prove what I am capable of or at least just let them see me perform.

[savingmywords]

He Came

July 14, 2018

We watched VLF together and we were both amazed.Friday the 13th wasn't real because he came.I knew I was happy this day, my heart dreamed again. I dreamed again to be on stage. Amazing plays indeed as it tackled what was really happening nowadays. It was cute being with him again,I mean we were just two today. I fell in love with him but I realized we better off as friends and I was okay with it. It was fun being with him really but I knew in my heart, God wanted someone better for me.

[savingmywords]

Friday The 13th

June 13,2018

I didn't expect that it would happen but I was just a little worried when I was thinking about it. I'm fond of dreaming when I'm awake as if everything's gonna be real when I begin to put things in my head. I went to office knowing that when this day ends, I'd be seeing him to watch VLF together. I got a big smile and energetic morning until he messaged me in the afternoon that he wasn't sure if he could make it tomorrow for he has a promo shoot for PPP. He said he would try his best to come but I doubt he was going. I mean he was sincere telling me that but it just saddened me that I already expected him tomorrow. People always do it to me and I feel a little hurt every time. I already bought tickets for us, he said he was going to pay for it no matter what happens.I'm not into money but well, who am I to decide for himself? I'm beginning to forget my feelings for him and I know it's working but I wanna be friends with him still. I want to know him more and I thought tomorrow would be the best time. But maybe, God is just saying to me that He is just challenging my heart to let go and trust the process. So Happy Friday The 13th to me :)

[savingmywords]

Heart's Challenge

July 8,2018

God is challenging my heart right at this moment. May mga araw na napapaisip ako na yung mga bagay na gusto kong mangyari,nangyayari. Pero I have this thing in my mind na parang dahil gusto ko siyang mangyari. Chinachallenge ako ni God kasi I told him na if his heart isn't for me, let this feeling go and help me forget about what I feel. Kaya ko naman tanggapin if that is the will of God and I know di naman kami swak talaga. Little by little, I'm trying to forget what I feel and focus on God. These past few days,gusto kong matuloy kami sa VLF on Sat kaso our other friends backed out kasi magkikita naman kami on Sunday. Sabi ko baka nilalayo na ako ni God sa kanya. But earlier, I texted him kung nakabili na siyang ticket kasi I was at ccp to buy tickets for our batchmates. And he asked me if yun lang yung papanuorin ko. So I told him na manunuod ako ng ibang SET ng ako lang magisa since nagno na yung iba. Then he suddenly messaged me na sabay na raw siya manuod kung okay lang. Syempre umuo ako,mas masaya namang may kasama manuod no. Pero may kaba sa puso kasi kaming dalawa lang yung manunuod. May kaba sa puso ko baka magustuhan ko siya ulit. Natatakot akong mahulog ng tuluyan dahil nakikita ko pa rin siya. Help me God to make my heart pure. If this heart does not belong to him, take it away. I can wait Father, I know You planned a better person for me.

[savingmywords]

Biglaang Lakad

July 2,2018

Today was my last day to figure out things before reality comes back tomorrow. I only have today to get my energy back and put myself back to work. Honestly, I don't feel like going to office anymore but I have to and make the rest of tomorrow a meaningful one. I have to fight and be patient to what is ahead of me. Stop making complaints and rants for it pushes me down. I have to be positive to attract gratefulness. I decided to walk with KC today-a co-workshopper in PETA to end my rest days. We dropped by PNU to give back what I borrowed from Alessa and we made the rest of the hours great. Then, we went straight to my alma mater to visit Batingaw's workshop but no one was there. We waited for Abe's message for us to go to PETA and have a quick merienda. She had her training so we needed to set apart that lead us to message Kuya Paolo to join us. And Jomari and Luis came that made the day. We catched up and reminisced the workshop days were we were so intact. We missed it so much that it became our weekend life. I am happy to see them because I found passion in their hearts and I'd love to be with them.

[savingmywords]

Surprisingly Wonderful!

June 24,2018

I was beginning to accept the things I could no longer change. I was starting to trust the Lord with what tomorrow has to offer. That weekend made it easy for me to let go and let God. Little by little, I was getting contented with what I have and what did God do with my life. There were still "whys" but God fixed my broken heart that weekend. He showed me how great His love for me. I left the place with joy in my heart,felt like I was complete. I didn't finish the ending worship for I needed to go to PETA and meet my friends. There, I was happy listening to their success that PETA absorbed them to have a workshop to be a member. I remember how jealous I was the first time I heard it but that moment, I knew to myself I was smiling without bitterness in it. There,I realized God fixed my heart. And we came at PETA Theater, we saw Kuya Norbs and said hello and suddenly he showed me gestures that really made my night. He told me why didn't I tell him that I was an SPA. He said I should be in the training class but it was already closed

Then, he promised to make it up for me in the 2nd batch. My heart beat faster than it used to be. I couldn't explain the happinees I was feeling then. All I knew, God worked in my life. All the tears I shed disappeared as fast as it could be.

[savingmywords]

S.E 18

June 24,2018

Today is nothing but a wonderful day. Thank You Lord for bringing me here to discern and find my purpose. Today Lord, You showed me how amazing my life is though my heart was broken these past few days. You love me so much that I couldn't contain the happiness I'm feeling right now. Things don't yet fall into its place but I know You'll let me know if it's time and if it's right. My heart is now full even I'm struggling to find myself. My heart is full because of You. Thank You Jesus for emptying my heart so You can fill it up with love. Thank You Jesus for teaching me to wait.

[savingmywords]

Bakit?

June 22,2018

Bakit?

Isang salitang sobrang tumutusok sa dibdib ko. Bakit ko ba ito nararamdaman? Bakit hindi ko makontrol katulad ng kung paano ko kinalimutan yung taong sobra akong sinaktan. Bakit hindi ko mapigilan yung nararamdaman ko sa'yo? Hindi naman tayo ganun magkakilala. Pero yung bawat araw na ikaw ang kausap ko, napakasaya ko. Pero bakit kailangan kong masaktan sa maliliit na bagay. Nagseselos ako kapag kinakausap mo yung mga kaibigan natin at hindi mo ko napapansin. Bakit ko kailangang masaktan ng ganito kung alam kong wala naman itong patutungahan. Ni hindi mo nga alam na gusto kita. Na tuluyan na akong nahulog sa iyo pero hindi pwede. Kahit kailan hindi magiging pwede. Kahit kailan hindi mo ako magugustuhan. Ayokong maramdaman ito. Ayokong mahalin ang taong alam kong hindi naman ako mamahalin pabalik. Sana mawala nalang tong nararamdaman ko sa'yo. Ayokong tuluyan pa akong mahulog kasi kahit kailan hindi mo ako masasalo.

[savingmywords]

I'm Hurt

June 19,2018

It's true that some words are better left unsaid, sana hindi ko nalang nalaman. Sana hindi ko nalang tinanong. I'm hurting right now Father, yung tipong ayaw ko pang umuwi kasi I guess I'm not good enough. Di ako galit sa'yo Lord, I will never get mad at You. Nasasaktan lang po ako kasi hindi ko nakuha yung pinapangarap kong mangyari. Hiniling ko yun Lord e, I always think about it, yung sana lima kami. I always thought about them na sana kami kami pa rin pero Lord, am I really not good enough? Didn't I exert effort throughout the workshop? That's why hindi ako naabsorb to continue my passion? Lord, it does hurt so much. Who am I to ask You why? You are my God and I know You love me. It's just that, it's my dream but it's not for me yet. I'm jealous of them but I'm happy because they deserved it so much but I'm hurt because they didn't choose me. It's like I failed myself. I disappointed myself for not doing great. I am sorry Father for bringing this up to You but I know You'll hold my hand until I,myself could also be part of it.

[savingmywords]

I'm Fallin'

June 12,2018

Two words I don't wanna feel right now. Two words I want to throw away. I guess I'm falling into pieces and I don't wanna reach that peak. I don't easily fall in love with a person but now, the feeling is different. I want to control my heart because I think it is on its way. I don't yet love him but I know, I want our friendship last. I want our company to last. This summer is a big part of my journey and my co-actor who has been my partner in show is getting into my heart. I thought I wasn't gonna fall but everytime he holds me,I wanted it to be real. Everytime he talks to me, I wanted it to be endless. And everytime he grabs me or embraces me, I wanted it to be perfect. I'm liking him and I don't like it.

[savingmywords]

First Kiss

June 7,2018

I couldn't explain the feeling I had this day. Being on stage is the best feeling in the world especially when you are passionate enough to own a space. Today was something I'd never forget. My co-actor and I tried our directors to forget about the kissing scene.I was afraid to be called "maarte or nag-iinarte" because I wanna be a professional actor. We tried but they said "no, you should do it". I wasn't surprised that those words would come because I knew in the first place that I should go for it. Jom made me feel safe and that was a good thing. He didn't asked me when should we do it, it just happened. I was so nervous but acted like there was nothing wrong. He did it and as an actor I should act like it was real. And I did it! And everybody was shouting and cheering for me. Greeting me that I did well in my first kiss. I didn't know what to respond in every word they utter. All I knew, I felt comfortable because Jom made me feel safe. It's just that I have to control my feelings because I guess I'm liking him but it wasn't yet love at all. I just like hanging out and talking to him even we just met. And hats off to him for being concerned with my first kiss.

[savingmywords]

Oh No Peta!

One week before our final showcase. I'm really excited to perform on Peta's stage and a little worried for myself because of long lines I have to be delivered clearly.But I have one thing on mind, our director asked for a kissing scene with my co-actor. I said no at first because mama and auntie gonna watch but Kuya Ian said we had to do it to make the scene better. It's always bugs in my mind 'coz it's gonna be my first kiss. I don't wanna fail my director and also,I want to be professional because I dreamed of being one. But my friends wanted me to go for it but some requested me not to because it's still actor's call for my limitation. I want to go for it not to be misunderstood. I want to push for it to make me a better actor. My co-actor is really concerned with me and don't want to do it just for the sake of showcase. He is concerned because it's gonna be my first kiss. I appreciate him so much and hats off to him. And now, I'm in between saying yes and rejecting it.

[savingmywords]

Be An Instrument

May 17,2018

I was still overwhelmed of what had happened tonight. Sometimes, what we utter is already everything to somebody. We don't notice it in ourselves lalo na kapag kusa lang itong lumalabas sa bibig mo. Pero dito ko narealize na every word has a power, a power to tranform us to who used to be or power to change tomorrow. Prayer meeting just ended and I left that room teary-eyed. I felt God's presence in the entire room as Ate Tine's shared her words. I didn't expect it to be that way. It was just an ordinary day for me when I had to attend PM to breathe and thank God. I went pass 8 and I thought the prayer was already in the middle but it just started. This day was different for I wasn't able to attend last week's PM and I missed this feeling of being complete. I was really listening to every word but I had goosebumps when I first heard my name. I wasn't that close to Ate Tine, nagkakasalubong lang kami sa corridor and says hi to each other. Pero di ko talaga inexpect na mamemention ako for changing her. For bringing her back sa praise ministry. I still remember na parang ang hirap nya iapproach nung panahong bago palang kami magkakilala. Yung tipong hindi siya yung ate na magiging kaclose ko. Lagi niya akong binabara every time na minsan di ko alam kung joke. Nagli low siya sa praise kaya ko napansin na di na siya umaattend kaya every time na nagkakasalubong kami sa corridor lagi kong sinasabi "ate, attend ka ha. Kanta ka ulit". Yung mga salitang yun were just simple words na minsan inaasar ko lang siya pero yung mga salitang akala ko wala lang e may impact pala kay Ate Tine. Yung mga words palang yun ang nagpabalik sa kanya sa praise at magworship ulit kay God. Ngumiti yung puso ko dahil ginamit ako ni Lord to tap somebody na wala akong kamalay malay na naging tulay na ako. At lalo kong nasabing God really works in our lives.

[savingmywords]

Still In Awe

May 10,2018

I am still in awe. Can't believe that a vatican actor was once in front and watching us perform. It was a roller coaster feeling. Remembering that I was just watching her on screen and today,we were honoured to be critique by her. She was kind and strict but full of wisdom. My classmate in PETA is her son so we all decided to rehearse in their place. Then, Tita Ruby cut us out to give some techniques to perform better. She was like a mother to us. At first, we hesitated to give our all because we weren't that prepared and lines weren't memorized yet but later on, we got to follow the flow. And one thing Tita Ruby said that I will never ever forget. "Magaling ka! Very good, Buo yung boses mo alam mong may experience". Those words were words I strive to hear ever since I joined theater. I know in myself, I am not as good as others but words came from a theater actor was everything to me. Thank You, Father for today. For letting me experience and explore new things. I will never regret this moment.