sayrcs-blog

[sayrcs-blog]

— ♡ ❛ closed starter for @brcntes

     sayre had noticed that bronte was giving her the cold shoulder ever since everything went down. although she mostly blamed herself, it was definitely something that affected her considering she didn’t find herself with many girl friends. she knew that bronte was staying at the hotel after an interesting game of truth or dare, so the first thing sayre did to jumpstart her morning was head back to where the party was. sure, it was seven sharp in the morning –– but it’s never too early to get some fresh air. she knocked on the door probably a little too loud for such an early hour, “bronte ? is this the right room ?” she didn’t know what else to say. “should we talk ? i feel like we still haven’t gotten closure.”

[sayrcs-blog]

cabrcras:

     it was easier when they were younger. at first, she was just that family friend that was two years older that he was forced to hang out with while their parents caught up. then she was a pimple-faced teen and he was a shallow teenage boy that didn’t see her often enough to see past the caterpillar she was to the brilliant butterfly of a personality. finally, in an act of what could only be considered bittersweet poetry, she was there, and she was amazing, but then she was someone else’s just as he realized what he’d been missing out on. now he was stuck - fixated - on the what if. he had to move on though. she was happy, he had other things, it was possible for them to be just friends, he knew this, he just needed the emotional kick to the chest to make it a reality.

     “ just a bit, ” he chuckled. “ yeah. the producers said the hotel rooms downstairs are designed for privacy, but i’m almost positive that’s a lie. i mean, who could resist filming a celebrity sex tape when given the opportunity ?? ” seriously, how any of the crew thought they were going to believe any of this was private was beyond him. “ but there are balconies that i don’t think are monitored too clearly. there’s also the bathrooms, but like ? ” he trailed off with a quirked brow, not feeling like he really needed to explain that one. “ i just could use some fresh air away from all… all this. ” he may be a city boy, but 24/7 cameras made him nervous, especially when he was about to unload. he also didn’t want sayre’s reaction to be recorded. the less pressure on her, the better. best case scenario is that all this turned out to be just like ripping off a band-aid: quick and easy, though it might sting at first. but hey ! at least it would be done and over with, hopefully leading to an easier season for the both of them.

     sayre looked back on her memories with a warmth of fondness. she didn’t really think that she was ever the most gorgeous girl around ( and still didn’t think so, despite whatever her boyfriend said ), although what she did gain as time passed was confidence in being herself. at times it was difficult, but she tried to always put on a strong front for people that were around her. even though she was only two years older than matteo, she felt like she watched him grow into his own shoes as well –– whether it was on the show or outside.

     “okay –– why are you so right ? i mean, we can’t really escape it anyway –– this was our contract pretty much. either way though, social media is always on our tails, you know ?” she was rambling slightly, but perhaps it was just the party buzz that made her feel a little jittery. she nodded her head, “oh, i refuse to follow you to a bathroom anyway. i sort of like breathing and i just know that i will do nothing but gag if i stand in there. i don’t care how fancy this place is, bathrooms never fail to disappoint !” she smiled, “so – are we good to go now ? i’m excited to hear what you have to say.”

[sayrcs-blog]

     for once, sayre was glad to be at a party. this was the culture that she was missing out on when she decides to sit on the couch with her only company being a textbook rather than going out with her boyfriend. this was the sort of thing that was drawing him away from her –– slowly, but surely. it had already sown its seeds and it was only a matter of time before something even worse happened –– right ? or perhaps that was a little bit of the pessimism that the show was poisoning her personality with. there was something about being in such an environment that could be intoxicating. at times where she felt like this though, she was happy that there was a makeshift constant in her life: matteo. the companion that she could always lean on. 

     it was a different experience. something that she still wasn’t quite used to, but she was going along with it anyway. anything that glittered caught her eye. the surroundings, therefore, easily distracted her –– perhaps for the better. oblivion is bliss –– and she would rather not thing about the impending problems that would soon crash down on her. the events that had happened the past few days surpassed any of the drama she had in her life before the show –– including high school. is this what it meant to be a normal girl ? maybe normal wasn’t the right word, but was the drama happening as some sort of karma for not having any in her teenage years ? she sighed before matteo put his hand on her shoulder.

     as she turned around, she was delighted to meet the sparkling eyes of her childhood best friend. there was a certain air surrounding him that commanded her attention –– that’s different. she thought. “oh – truly i’m not missing out on anything i assure you,” she smiled. the confidence that he was exuding was unprecedented and she tried to mask her surprise. “ah – okay ? that’s fine with me. have you already scoped out a location ?” she laughed. “important ? i guess we better get a move on then.”

◤closed EVENT starter for SAYRE!   〉 @sayrcs

     the event was in full swing. folks were drinking, partying, and making bad decisions whether through alcohol or through the tasks handed to them on silver platters. matteo though ? he was having a moral dilemma. a completely sober moral dilemma, not a drink in his system outside of a bottle of water to quell the nerves. he’d spent the night so far corresponding with beatriz and catching up with james. the latter conversation had led to somewhat of an epiphany for matty about being honest, and having the morals he’d used to live by growing up tossed raw in his face certainly pushed that epiphany further. in the end, matty realized he was living quite a lie. and the liar ?? himself.

     the current situation: he was on a reality tv show. he held feelings for two girls. one of which was sayre posey, his childhood best friend. the issue with her ? she was happily dating another man. the other girl was bronte vilaro, a woman he’d barely just met but already had him weak in the knees, heart, and psyche. she was a powerhouse, hell on heels, and one of the most brilliant and beautiful people he’d ever met. the issue with her ? himself. he was his own blockade. one could say sayre was holding him back, but sayre, as far as matty knew, was clueless to his feelings and just minding her own. it was him, all him. he was the cause for his own strife.

     answer ? simple. get over sayre. the execution ? much harder. he’d tried a lot. ghosting her, ignoring her existence, meeting someone else, etc, but she was always a tickle in the back of his mind and an ache in his heart. the only thing he hadn’t really tried was rejection. he was too afraid of potentially ruining such a long standing friendship. sayre was good - good for him - even in just a platonic sense, and he didn’t want to fuck that up.

     until now.

     he didn’t know what it was that triggered the change. the chatteau ? the conversation they’d had about rhett ? losing bronte ? he didn’t know, and frankly he didn’t care. it was like the moment he felt okay with the idea he had to spring into action, lest he were to talk himself out of it by dwelling too long. he spotted her a bit away, dazzling, radiant even, her blonde hair catching the party lights and giving her an ethereal aura. she was so cute, so sophisticated, she almost didn’t look quite right surrounded by all this polished chaos. he’d personally rather they were rolling down grassy hills and watching clouds for this conversation, not surrounded by cameras and prying eyes, but if this was how it was going to be, that’s just how it would be. he didn’t want to risk chickening out.

     he approached her, surprisingly calm, and gently placed a hand (his nails were still painted from last they got together) on her shoulder to catch her attention. “ hey, ” his voice was soft, but there was conviction behind it that surprised even himself. “ hate to drag you away from all this hustle and bustle, but if you’re willing to make a mad dash to hide from some of these cameras, i need to talk to you about something. ” he took in a deep breath before adding, “ it’s kind of important. ”

[sayrcs-blog]

beaxmartin:

bea knew. of course she knew. people didn’t vanish into thin air and return without a word because they wanted to relive the past in any form later. rhett wouldn’t have mentioned anything beyond their friendship to his girlfriend. just enough to explain why they tagged each other’s names in stupid late night retweets sometimes, and knew each other even before they were forced to live in such close quarters. if she had said it, ‘ i didn’t know you didn’t know ’, she wouldn’t have believed herself. but standing across from sayre was overwhelming, the accumulation of several days fraught with tension and an atmosphere so loud she found it impossible to think clearly. so — “ i — i just wanted to apologise. to you. that’s it. okay ? i didn’t know you didn’t know. okay ? ” 

she must have sounded like the names she had been branded with, crazy, jealous, bitch, someone who dealt in words suddenly struggling for them. “ we shouldn’t talk about this here. when we’re not sober. ” bea was sober. sayre too, she assumed, based on the girl’s demeanour and the slur missing from her questions. “ but later. i’ll find you again later. ” she made no effort to move away from sayre, stock still, crossing her arms and rubbing her shoulders and shivering. she kept talking, to fill the silence or force sayre to drop the subject she had brought up. whatever came first. “ what’s law school like ? i couldn’t never manage it like you. ”

     sayre was desperate to hear what bea said. she felt as though the other girl was teasing her just as trailers were supposed to do before a movie was released. she was leaving her with hanging questions and a burning desire to know what was truly behind the facade that the other was putting up. it was clear that bea had pained a lot of people for a reason that sayre assumed was for the show ( although could anyone be sure with these people ? some just do it for kicks ). “i still don’t understand what this apology for –– didn’t know what ?” the past couple days have been filled with emotion with everything seeming to be dropped on sayre without any forewarning. her heart rate was slowly climbing and her thoughts were whirring, “you can’t just leave things off like that ?” although it was framed as a question it was more of a statement.

     she shook her head, “i’m in a perfectly good mindset.” for right now at least. perhaps the news that bea was going to break to her was only going to further make her inclined to follow her task. it was a party after all and sometimes people have to let loose. especially after the roadblocks that sayre has run into recently. “later is a relative term. now can be later ! so, i say you just get it off your test. it might be –– cathartic in a way,” she immediately interjected once bea was done talking. “law school is great,” she said quickly, “but right now ? doesn’t seem like the most interesting conversation topic.”

[sayrcs-blog]

└ tweet ✦ tweet  ┐

@matteoc: !!!!!! as appreciative as i am for you to offer... i don't think the "i'm prettier in pictures" excuse would fly in this case

@pocketfulofposeys: maybe the bartenders will be drunk too... u never know. i don't condone illegal activity guys btw... i'm just.. offering counsel

[sayrcs-blog]

└ tweet ✦ tweet  ┐

@matteoc: i lost my fake id i'm so upset :(

@matteoc: now i won't be able to party hardy at the bash tonight :( :( :(

@matteoc: its so hard to be a law abiding 20 year old :( :( :( :( :(

@pocketfulofposeys: u can use mine ? you definitely look like me.

[sayrcs-blog]

     sayre was excited for the bash. last year, she had nothing but fond memories of the night –– the flashing lights and the way that the rays seemed to bounce off of every reflective surface to make her feel like she was encapsulated in a disco ball. she loved anything that glittered and the rank cast parties certainly did that. although this year seemed to be tainted. things had already shifted from the plan that she always had running in the back of her mind and she was torn over whether she should get drunk once and attempt to forget everything or just sit idle by, like she always seemed to do. 

     stuck in her own world she flinched slightly with bea’s touch on her arm. she didn’t know whether it was the surroundings that were making her cold or if bea’s hand just seemed a little icier than usual. while she would love to forgive and forget, the aftermath of what had happened still lingered in her brain and seemed to compound what happened with elliot. “oh –– yeah –– of course we can talk,” she had a small smile on her face. despite everything, she wanted to hope that bea was her friend. that perhaps she wasn’t just some loser who couldn’t handle more than three important people in her life. as bea was speaking, the music allowed sayre’s mind to drift off until she heard the keyword: rhett. she gave a small shake of her head in confusion, “wait, what ? you’ve totally lost me here. are you letting the party vibes get to you already ?”

*  ☆*ﾟ— SAYRE / @sayrcs event !! welcome back bash ☆

the first thought: ‘ sayre ’.  the second: ‘ fuck ’.

bea hated the dress she had found so pretty just a few hours ago when she was in her bedroom, looking into her mirror and turning so she could see the place where the fabric’s slit met bare skin. in a crowd, it was too high, the straps too thin, easy to snap, her top dipping too low. she was barely holding it together when she slid off the stool she’d stolen within five minutes of reaching the top step. sayre. fuck. “ sayre, wait. can i talk to you ? ” 

those were ominous words. she would have hated them if someone else had said them to her. but beatriz had been called a hypocrite so many times lately it had sunk into her skin and settled in her blood. the way she saw it, there were two things that could happen: she could tell sayre everything now, or she would never get to. she wanted to tell sayre everything. maybe because she knew what would happen if sayre knew everything. maybe because she wasn’t thinking. 

in the fray of the party, even if there was a live feed, even if they all ostensibly had camera men, if her voice was low enough bea couldn’t be heard. she reached out for sayre’s arm. her words were an unintentional flood, once she made herself say them, and she stumbled over them.

“ i know what i did didn’t make any sense to you. to anyone. and people got hurt anyway. but i wanted you to know what i was — i was supposed to — i was told to — i didn’t want to do to rhett what he did to me. please tell me you understand that, at least. ”

[sayrcs-blog]

└ imessage ✦ que sayre sayre ┐

matteo: don't worry, you'll have your oceans 8 in no time (which btw that movie looks rad, we should go see it. i'm always a slut for rihanna and sandra bullock)

matteo: nah. get defensive. you won't know how you really feel until you try to defend it

matteo: i don't know your boyfriend well enough to make a judgement call on that. i don't know. i just want you to be happy posey pocket (woah throwback). do whatever is good for you. even if that means running away to australia or living in a box, i'll support you... to an extent. i guess if you're really living out of a box i'll tell you to get your shit together. but australia is nice????

matteo: YOUR ARTISTRY IS SHIT!!!! just cuz i SUPPORT you doesn't mean i'm going to LIE TO YOU!!!

sayre: wait WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW RIHANNA WAS IN THAT MOVIE

sayre: gahhhhh omg. well i would suggest that maybe you guys get to know each other better but i am feeling like everything is sensitive right now. yikes :(

sayre: GOD MATTEO sometimes i just need you to feed my ego ???? you know i'm sure picasso's peers thought his stuff was ugly too but that doesn't make him any less of a genius !

[sayrcs-blog]

┊ text → sayre ┊

rhett: i am trying to make you feel better, but i would never say something just to say it. i meant every word i said to you.

rhett: the messages don't mean anything to me. i mean, i like the positive and supportive ones, but the rest ? the rest, i filter out. the only girl i want saying she loves me is you.

rhett: why would i resent you? i mean, it's fun and all, but when it comes down to it there are more important things. like, if i'm looking back twenty years from now, i'd rather remember being with you than some half-lit drunken night.

rhett: i can't say that i wouldn't miss it, but for you, yeah. i would

sayre: it means a lot, really

sayre: i think maybe i just need to clear my head a little. can't guarantee that i'll be back in the room tonight

sayre: [unsent] even though this probably would've been better discussed in person

sayre: this isn't how i imagined the season starting out

[sayrcs-blog]

ellictss:

          “ if you didn’t have time for it, you wouldn’t be here. “   he shrugs. she’s going off about everything he’s said and he’s listening to every word of it, taking it in, soaking it up, considering how he’s supposed to use it for his own benefit. he pressed his lips together and crossed his arms over his chest.   “ a picture is worth a thousand words, baby. come on, you know that. “   the picture seen by just anyone might not think much of it, but told through elliot’s words and gestures, can turn into something completely monstrous. but you don’t do that through grand words and vomiting. it’s through sprinkling details. some lies don’t need to be spelled out directly you just need to plant the seed for a neurotic little gnome to figure out herself. that’s exactly what he intended to do, with mock sympathy on his face as she finished her ramble all about her insecurities. ones she was laying out right in front of elliot.   “ you know what it means, princess. you’re the one who passed the fucking bar exam, not me. “ he shrugged.   he tilted his head to the side with a slightly pouted lip.  “ she was, wasn’t she. she looked thinner than you, too.” just because he was trying to act sympathetic didn’t mean he wasn’t going to cast shade when he could.   “ maybe rhett’s projecting. i don’t really know what it means, doll. just that he’s a piece of shit. “   he reaches out to gently pat her knee before leaning back against the bed, folding his hands together.   “ i think i do vaguely remember him saying he just wished he had a girl who was a freak, that you were as bland as a saltine. if there one thing i could tell, was that girl definitely gets down between the sheets. “   he sighs.   “ i was so surprised. “

     sayre was desperate. she wanted to get the entire picture and of course she should hear it from rhett, but the party that was in front of her was equally as important in her frantic state of mind. “yeah –– but can’t there be a little more to the story ? i mean, clearly i can’t tell everything that’s going on in the picture. there has to be something behind it –– or maybe nothing. am i going crazy ?” she rubbed her arm with slight defeat. the vague nature of his replies were driving a force inside sayre that she couldn’t quite pinpoint, but it had her grasping – begging for more information. sayre is completely in her own head. it’s what makes and breaks her.

     “who even is this girl ? just a simple fan ? god, she looks like she belongs on the cover of a magazine,” she didn’t exactly want to say her insecurities out loud, but it was clear what she was thinking through the little questions that accented her statements. she sighed. her sadness was quickly consuming her thoughts, “a piece of shit ? you’re really throwing your friend under the bus right now ?” she didn’t even flinch when he reached to pat her knee despite the two not being the closest of people in the house. “surprises in this situation are never good,” she said softly. “i just never saw this in a million years, you know ? i mean i can’t do anything now, i’m just me.” she shrugged, “and this is all coming from you –– and i mean –– you would know, right ? you were his company that night...” her sentences were trailing off.

[sayrcs-blog]

└ imessage ✦ que sayre sayre ┐

matteo: huh... i guess now that you mention it, yeah. if you want me to i can introduce you to a few people? maybe you and sena would get along? or reese? i think you'd really like reese

matteo: i'm... kind of an outside party to this, sayre. i'm really not qualified to give advice on any of this. but?? i dunno?? i can give my opinion? but take it with a grain of salt

matteo: [is typing...]

matteo: you guys love each other. its obvious, and kinda sickly sweet. makes me wanna vomit. but he makes you happy 99.9% of the time. i will say that relationships are really complicated and terrifying, and you are both finally coming out of the 'honeymoon stage' that makes all the bad aspects of your relationship shine. i think maybe he takes you for granted on occasion, and i think you hold him up on this immovable pedestal. there are issues, every relationship has them, but its up to you if those issues are too much for your relationship - and there's literally nothing wrong or bad if you think they are. above all else, you need to be comfortable.

matteo: that was a bit of a block, sorry

matteo: i've been growing my nails out a bit so they're super ready to be victim to your shitty nail art. i'll wear it with pride >:)

sayre: oh goodness i know sena, but reese !!! i haven't met her yet maybe that'll be fun. i mean, i was friends with bea but i haven't talked to her since the whole thing and there's this other girl i know too. but one isn't really sufficient for a girl gang you know?

sayre: i appreciate your honesty in this situation. ordinarily i would get defensive, but maybe you're right about it. i just want him to be happy, you know? and going out seems to allow him to destress and we all know that he needs that...

sayre: how dare u !!! insult my ARTISTRY !!!!! i guess we can't be friends anymore EITHER

[sayrcs-blog]

shilohisms:

shiloh: aw what’s wrong bud ? shiloh: also, what kind of tree can you fit in your hand ? shiloh: a palm tree !

sayre: i would say everything but that makes me belittle actual problems like the fact that some people don’t believe in climate change

sayre: omg..... i would be lying if i said i didn’t laugh

sayre: people don’t appreciate puns/jokes enough these days.

snapchat 👻 → all contacts

[sayrcs-blog]

└ imessage ✦ que sayre sayre ┐

matteo: sayre, you're a gem. i'm sure you have waaaay more friends than you think you do

matteo: everyone loves you, the fans, the other castmates, especially rhett

matteo: i mean, he made that perfectly clear at the chatteau

matteo: but don't ever say your feelings aren't right, sayre. your feelings are super valid. you're one of the sharpest, most intelligent people i know. if your intuition is telling you something is fucky, i think you should trust it.

matteo: do you need me to pick up some ice cream so we can watch musicals. some true bffl time. i'll braid your hair and let you paint my nails

matteo: whatever you need. i'm here.

sayre: no i'm being serious it's actually alarming that i don't have any girl friends over here, otherwise i wouldn't bother you with my petty female feelings i guess

sayre: i feel like maybe my part of the brain that just wants to analyze analyze analyze is really taking over and it's not necessarily the healthiest things right now. should i trust him though? i've never been in a relationship like this or maybe even just a relationship period. how am i supposed to handle these things? is this normal? i feel like i didn't sign up for this

sayre: painting your nails sounds like the best thing that could happen right now....

sayre: :)

[sayrcs-blog]

┊ text → sayre ┊

rhett: you /are/ you and that's why i'm in love with you. i love you for everything you are, not what you look like, sayre. you're smart and half the time i find myself thinking how did i get so lucky because if anyone in this relationship is out of their league, it's me with you.

rhett: and i get that. but if you're uncomfortable, i get that, too. this is a relationship. /our/ relationship. there needs to be compromise from both parties for it to work. if that means me not going out... i won't go out as much.

rhett: you're not annoying. don't say that about yourself.

sayre: ok you're just trying to make me feel better but since i'm just gonna be completely honest it is making me feel better

sayre: it's totally a lie though because all of the fans... go crazy over you? and fans can be relentless... i've seen the comments and tweets and they're wild.

sayre: i mean.. truly you don't have to stop because i don't want you to resent me for it. it's your life too and i'm just trying to live it with you, but not control all the aspects. we're both young, so i guess we only get these experiences once...

sayre: you would really give up something you like doing this easily though?

[sayrcs-blog]

sayre: happy earth day !!!!!

sayre: yeah i could use one.

snapchat 👻 → all contacts

shiloh: happy earth day ! shiloh: reduce, reuse, recycle, respect mother nature ! shiloh: wanna hear a joke ?

[sayrcs-blog]

ellictss:

              sometimes a little REST and RELAXATION was all elliot really wante.d especially after nights of going a little too hard. he had a light headache and he’s been nuring some orange juice since be woke up. he was taking comfort in his room, one legs crossed over the other as he was flipping through his feeds, replying to tweets, going live for an hour before turning on netflix on his laptop and laying back. he was fully aware of the drama surrounding him in the house. it was amazing how some of it didn’t even have anything to do with him. he was expecting company at his door, but it was quite an awakening when sayre busted open his door without even knocking.   “ polite as ever, twinkle toes.”   he sighs, keeping his eyes on his screen as she lets her get all of her ranting out. let her have it for right now.

she was mad, though, and taking out aggression on him as if rhett’s mess was his fault. not that it was really a mess at all but he wasn’t letting sayre know that.   “ calm down, barbie, you’re acting like i was the one who blew him.”   he rolls his eyes and shuts his phone off to give her his full attention.   “ why would I be the one to get the credit for your boyfriend being a sleaze bag? he was the one who was saying he was tired of your vanilla ass. “   he snapped, squinting his eyes.   “ do you really think you and your PILLSBURY PASTE BOY are on paradise island? just because you got a tight ass and falsies doesn’t mean you’re exempt from men being men.”   he huffs, taking a second before starting again.   “ your boyfriend was a drunken mess, i had no control over how many shots he took, or whether or not he blacked out. blame me all you fucking want i can take that, but he’s not into this — “   he gestures to all of her, a bit dramatically.   “ anymore. “

     “i don’t have the time for your snarkiness,” sayre retorted back at his oh-so-loving nickname. she was fully aware of how she looked or acted, but now was not the time to be focusing on her. she wasn’t the situation at hand. “can you really blame me for barging in though?” her heart rate was steadily decreasing. good. a sign that showed she was finally processing some of the information that had been fed into her brain in the few moments prior. in the future she might regret being so rash and harsh, but in this exact moment, this felt like the right thing to be doing. the only way that things could be handled.

     “blew him?” sayre gasped slightly. her face began to scrunch slightly –– was elliot really insinuating something to her ? “is there more to this story than what i see in the picture?” she thought she knew the answer, but she wanted to hear it from someone who was actually there. from someone who would’ve seen everything with his own two eyes even though nothing in the past told sayre that she should trust anything that elliot said. perhaps this was the effect that love has on people. it makes people think crazy things and not always for the best. “men being men?” she was constantly questioning everything that elliot was saying, but not in regards to her boyfriend –– in regards to what she thought about herself. she fell onto a chair that was sitting in the room –– deflated. “god –– what is this all supposed to mean ?” elliot was probably the last person she should trust with her relationship, but desperate times call for desperate measures and she wasn’t even sure who to talk about this to. “i mean, i saw she was also a blonde in that picture and just –– what !?”

[sayrcs-blog]

┊ text → sayre ┊

rhett: the only person i have eyes for is you.

rhett: you're more than welcome to come with me and elliot or whoever whenever. i've said that over and over.

rhett: if you want me not to go out... you just have to ask. but i could go out less, i guess ?

rhett: i don't want you to be.

sayre: i appreciate that and you're the only person on my mind EVER which is so frightening to think about because you're such a hotshot and i'm just... me

sayre: i know it's just not my scene and i wish it was but every single time i maybe have the courage in my stomach to do it i just... can't. i don't want to stop you though, it's what you find fun and i want you to have fun

sayre: this is just a lot for me. i've never been in this sort of situation and maybe you're used to this since you lived in la and have been in the industry longer than i've ever spent time in california so i guess you're just going to have to bear with me being annoying...