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TRUE STORY

TRUE STORY: the appropriate response to "you're emotionally retarded" is apparently NOT "your face is emotionally retarded." in other news, i'm going to start teaching a class on sweet comebacks. -partyczar

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douchebag dialogue

3pm, sunday

me: i just booted in front of the department of the interior while wearing a tshirt that says "i make smart moves"

khortsarethenewjorts: FTW.

- partyczar

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FACT: partyczar might develop abandonment issues

this weekend i went to a daydrinking event (something new!). i didn't pregame due to extreme exhaustion (epic bang sesh with SLAM the night before) so by the time we arrived at the venue i was a little sober fish in a vast sea of nonironic pastel shorts. i immediately lunged across the bar and snagged a bottle of moet. as i embarked down the road to blackout city, i was accosted by the far drunker female roommate of BRICK, who i happen to be casually seeing (but not slamming). she decided, in her 1pm blackout, that i absolutely had to know that the reason she was such an epic bitch to me in the past was not because she disliked me as a person. no, the reason for her open hostility was apparently because she was banging BRICK. they're roommates. did i mention they're roommates?

now, this wouldn't bother me in the slightest, as i can't claim exclusivity here (see: fratlax and SLAM) and i certainly can't claim that our relationship is serious (although second base.... that's pretty big). you know what's appalling?

the fact that one night when i slept over, BRICK left the bed where we had just made out, went to his roommate's bed, and banged her... then returned to his room to cuddle with me.

when i gchatted khortsarethenewjorts this, she stopped responding halfway through the story. she returned an hour later and said, in her best andy samberg impression, "sorry, i just had seeeeeexxxx, and it felt soo goooood."

-partyczar

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greendrank:

Best senior column ever, 50% because of the picture that finally got published, 50% because of the message. Read it. Though my foodie buddy deserves a shout-out, too.

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douchebag dialogue

blackmagic: me and ass tat aren’t really hooking up anymore since he got back from peru khorts: i’m sorry for your loss? blackmagic: he was cute and he obvi had a good sense of humor to have mom written on his ass, and being arrested 5 times khorts: 5 times?? blackmagic: yes blackmagic: dui, indecent exposure blackmagic: his goat got repossessed

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douchebag dialogue

partyczar: important update that i know you care about: fratlax and i are now gchat friends boxslayer: i am very happy for you. partyczar: i’m getting the impression that you aren’t as invested in this relationship as i am boxslayer: i don’t know how invested you are, either boxslayer: you want him to make an investment, in fact. into your safety deposit box. partyczar: i really hope that, for everyone’s sake, you didn’t just refer to my vagina as a safety deposit box boxslayer: yeah, there’s no safety about it

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I don't know you. Probably never will. But this is amazing and I'm in love with it. I hope some internet archaeologist in 1000 years finds this and shares it with the future.

Thank you so much!! We also hope an internet archaeologist finds this... and that somehow that is a real job in the future, because it is highly unlikely that our descendants will have any marketable skills past "googling shit."

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this is my judgy face: khortsarethenewjorts

this past weekend i returned to the alma mater for alumni weekend.  this included attending a paul bunyan-esque date function with teen wolf’s frat.  i wanted to pack lightly, so i only brought the essentials: one pair of jorts.  no pajamas, no dresses, no change of clothes whatsoever.

after about six drinks in the barn at this dfunc, i desperately eyed the 20-girl line for the bathroom and decided to explore my options outside.  lucky for me, there were two empty porta potties just beyond the bonfire.  i beelined for one of them, locked the door, and, since i’m a lady, chose to squat instead of sit in that tiny, pitch-black stankhole.  oh what sweet relief as the golden shower began to rain down onto… wait.  IS THAT ON MY LEG?!  WHO THE HELL PUTS THE SEAT DOWN IN A PORTA POTTY?  bitches, that’s who.  FUCK.  we’re only an hour into this party and i’ve already peed my jorts.  my only pair of jorts for the entire weekend.

i cleaned up as best i could and returned to the party.  nobody noticed.  in fact, i discovered that british kilfs must be attracted to the scent of peejorts, because one of them tried to make out with me.  when my face rejected him, he went for my furry bomber hat instead.  i didn’t stop him, figuring at least i could help him fulfill some sort of furry fetish.

when i got back to the place i was staying, i realized i needed to wear these jorts to a sratty reunion the next day.  so, i hopped in the shower with my jorts on and hung them up to dry afterwards.  a word to the wise: jorts do not dry overnight.  i showed up to the reunion in my soggy jorts in 50 degree weather, smelling like a homeless man and inviting strangers to the funeral for my dignity.

judging you so hard right now, khorts.

-khortsarethenewjorts

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TRUE STORY

the appropriate response to “did we have sex in the backseat of a pledge’s car” is NOT “probably.”

-partyczar

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MMMNOPE: you ask me how good your pickup line was

are you also going to ask me how well you performed in bed after we smoosh?  NO.  because you will never get near my fun zone after that debacle of a conversation.  the only reason i spoke more than a sentence to you was because the guy before you legit used the line, “so, do you come here often?” and then ran away to dance with a wooden support beam when i said “no.”

MMMNOPE.

-khortsarethenewjorts

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this is my judgy face

one chilly wednesday night during basketball season, our alma mater had a very important game. naturally, we put on our duke gear and drank excessively, introducing partyczar to sparks along the way. when we won said game, we ambled over to shooters to continue the revelry. it is important to note that, while it was 40 degrees outside, partyczar was wearing a child-sized nolan smith jersey, booty khorts, and uggs. because she is a lady.

partyczar, as usual, ended up sleeping in a dorm room on campus that did not belong to her. she also had an 8am class. being the conscientious student she is, partyczar went to her 12-person seminar the next morning wearing her clothes from the night before and smelling of both success and the early stages of liver failure.

partyczar forgot a few things: books, a writing utensil, and the fact that nolan smith sat next to her. JUDGE.

-khortsarethenewjorts

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TRUE STORY

never, ever work out with someone who has seen you naked. you’ll feel obligated to prove you’re hot and in shape beyond human possibility.  which explains why i agreed to run 4 miles and 6382615 stairs with fratboy yesterday.

after hanging out with your slampiece, you should be icing your no no zone, not your hamstring.  TRUE STORY.

-partyczar

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MMMNOPE: you jump out from behind a pole...

...and ambush me with the line "wanna dance?"  holy hell!! you just scared the shit out of me! has that EVER worked for you??

also, pull your pants down. for god’s sake, it looks like someone just gave you a wedgie in the bathroom. actually, that’s probably not far from the truth.

MMMNOPE.

-khortsarethenewjorts

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REBUTTAL

partyczar,

1.  need i remind you that my lack of mischief management on that night led to many subsequent nights of your panties dropping faster than a ceramic plate at a greek fete?  you’re welcome.

2.  you cannot judge the illustrious young man for his accidental self-roofie-ing.  when you have that many pills, it’s hard to keep them straight.  though come to think of it, it was also hard for him to keep other things straight as well.

3.  on an unrelated sidenote, i would like to add to the judging by letting everyone know that after this young man moved out of his apartment, he left the door open and i drunkenly pillaged it one night.  thanks for the model sailboat, but i left your smoking apparatuses under the sink.

4.  you missed a real show.  it was like vomming the rainbow if only the rainbow were one continuous shade of neon green.  i also cried green tears, like a leprechaun.

-khortsarethenewjorts

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this is my judgy face

i was speaking with khorts today, and we began reliving the glory days. specifically, a little event known as jortsfest.

when khorts turned 22 she threw a party. this event was huge for multiple reasons:

1. it was the first (and arguably most notable) occasion of khorts being the worst mischief manager of all time. i woke up in a bunkbed, sans jorts. that is all that you need to know.

2. khorts ate too much of her jorts cake, drank too much of her lemodka (lemonade, shame, and vodka), and smoked too much. she later vommed neon green in her own closet.

3. the apartment where she smoked? belonged to an illustrious young man who claims to be in love with us both. i also believe he once roofied himself, but that is neither here nor there.

4. and when did she smoke this substance that took her over the edge? DURING HER OWN PARTY. yes, khorts left her own birthday party to partake in questionable activities with a dude who once roofied himself. then came back and vomited for 4 hours. at minute 1 of the vomathon i decided that it was teen wolf’s problem and peaced.

khortsarethenewjorts, i’m still judging you.

-partyczar

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douchebag dialogue

me: i'm full of emotions

fratlax: gin isn't an emotion