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If the sun were to explode, you wouldn’t even know about it for eight minutes

And nothing in the world gives me a heavier heart than knowing I wouldn’t be able to reach you before the world went dark.

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I remember all my bad hair days I spend too much on movies I'm trying not to rebuild bridges with apologies. I love you and I don't know your middle name I don't think about you. well, only on weekends. and I'm trying to list all the reasons it was my fault too. I miss you like warm days in September: more than expected I'm writing more. less about you. I focus more on school and less of what's happening on the other end. I'm trying to be better than I was. i keep pieces of you that hurt. to remind me exactly of what it was, hell.

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I. I go to bed early before thoughts of you fall into bed next to me. I take up the entire space. there's no room for you tonight. 

 I. I wake up early. I go all day. I watch the sun rise on Wednesdays and try not to cry. you meet me at the front door at 4:16 

 III. a boy in my class smells just like you and I try not to be angry at him. 

 IV. I throw out your things and don't tell anyone I picked them out of the garbage in the middle of the night. 

 V. i read your old letters and try to be angry instead of sad. the way you write your name makes me sick. I lose the envelope with your address on it. 

 VI. I cry in the car and tell my mom it's just another bad headache. it's fine. let's just go home 

 VII. it's been six months and it still sets a fire under me when I hear your name

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the art of letting go

i. fall out of love with the idea that love will make it hurt less

ii. it will still sting when he doesn't call keep your phone on silent and keep moving

iii. do not look down at your feet while you walk they know what to do trust them and look everyone you meet in the eye

iv. there is nothing beautiful about letting yourself be taken by someone who will never fill in the holes they left hold tight to what keeps you whole. there is no romance in the art of letting go

v. do not shrink in comparison. you are not small you won't let your body forget it, so why your mind? raise the bar, expand. 

vi. never stop swinging your fists.

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sometimes, I do not remember the happy things. I remember crying on the staircase with nothing but a broken heart the morning after you decided you wanted to leave this earth. after you decided the sky was a better fate for you that wrapped up in my love. I remember saying goodbye and watching you walk away from me. that was 9 months and four days ago, and I would be lying if I said I didn't keep count since you stepped foot on that plane. there is nothing romantic about airports or bus stations. there is no magic in loss. it hurts, and they are simply the backdrop to what hurts the most. I remember sitting on the phone in silence and wishing more than anything I was where you were, so my heart didn't have to stretch all the way to your door from mine. telephone lines are simply the worst at relaying how much I miss you. sometimes I forget your voice. i listen to your favorite song and find myself questioning my sanity when I can smell your smell, and your hand is in mine again. even if you're still so far away. I remember staying up all night before you left. fighting sleep as if it mattered. you were still planning to go. no matter how many times I asked you to stay. time waits for no one, but I still can't let go. I remember watching you roll away again. a hundred times now, a thousand. it never ever gets easier. I keep hoping one of these days you'll turn around. it's the type of pain that never forgets I always remember sitting across from you in a parking lot in a town we barely knew, defeated. a war lost so many times before it was even fought. I had nothing left. neither did you. I've yet to find anything beautiful in a goodbye. there is nothing poetic to the art of letting go. so no, sometimes, I do not remember the happy things. and that says more about me than anything else ever could.

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what to do when he leaves

1.  do not go with him,  do not let any part of you disappear

2.  realize that sometimes  memories are more important, and burn everything that hurts

3. he may have taken pieces, but you still have the rest. rebuild. do not wait for someone to bring you what is missing.

4.  remember "if you love him, let him go" is bullshit, but do it anyway

5. it is going to hurt let it burn, but do not live in it 6.  there is a time for everything, and a time for everything to end. close the book and pick up a new one 7. sleep with the doors unlocked sleep on his side of the bed, pretend he is coming home. celebrate when he doesn't 8. keep running nothing can hurt you if it can't catch up.

9. go ahead and cry don't let anyone say you shouldn't be wash him away one last time

10. let him go

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I want to secretly admire you from afar while simultaneously yelling every single thing i love about you right into your face. i will miss you even when it becomes easier to let go. I will miss you when it is easier to forget you are gone. i crave you like a nosebleed, something red and real and reminds me sometimes its not in my head. at least not anymore. i have started world war four with my feet because they can't take me to you and because i already had the third with my head.

you have taken sleep from me and that's enough to drive me insane.

i am a tornado of mixed up emotions, a combination of all the things i wish i wasn't. i wear your name around my neck so when someone mentions you, it gets harder to breathe. sometimes i tell them to keep going.

i am trying to explain what it feels like when the world drops out from under you. walking on a tight rope tied so tight between us that i'm scared it will break before i make it into your arms. i am trying to make people understand what its like to have a piece missing. i am trying to stop missing you, but i do not think i stand a chance. 

if the stars fell in love you'd be the first on their list. number one, bold and black on the list of things that ripped the universe in two. if a star exploding created it all, what does it take to end it?

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I have tried so many times to explain how much it hurts to miss you but all I become is a stumbling apology for all the things I've never said

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one day my parents flipped the mattress and everything I loved about you, I lost. 

your smells soaked into the floorboards and your dreams hung off the walls like wet paint. you made a home inside my sighs, inside my sleep, inside my songs. 

when my bed shakes it sounds like an entire flock of birds and I can't tell you how many of them you've left dead under my sheets

I hope the entire god damned state can hear them flying south

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love may be patient but my love for you is bursting at the seams it has no patience for silly things such as time

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I. I have killed everyone  by telling them I love them then never picking up the phone. 

II. its like sitting on my hands to keep from reaching out and tearing you apart.

III. not having the love you want from one person does not diminish the love others have for you but it still hurts when you do not call back

IV. I am in a constant battle with my head and my heart and I wish my heart was not ahead

V. you are the most important game I will ever play if I lose I'll have nothing but my entire body glows with the idea that you want a piece of me at all

VI. I am too far away from the things that matter and too close to the things that hurt and I am still trying to figure out the difference

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do not fall for the boy who writes you poetry  because when he is gone, all that is left are his words and a hole in your heart so big no one else’s will be able to fill 

do not trust the boy who sends you flowers from ten thousand miles away when he should be sending his love; tied up tight and addressed to you so you will not spend another night alone

when they tell you they need you be there, but do not lose yourself you are all you have when they need someone else

do not open up to everyone because open books  are so much easier to close. do not let them take your pages

learn to be okay with distance because it will always hurt. but understand that missing someone means so much more than loving them

run as fast as you can and when someone keeps up indroduce yourself and never let them go

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it has rained every single day since you left

and that alone is a poem in itself

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I get scared in big crowds  and I feel the wrong things for the wrong people  and I can’t forget the list of people who did the wrong things to me

I am 460 miles from your grip and I can still feel your hand on the back of my neck

and I am sitting on my hands to keep from reaching all the way back home and tearing your apart

I feel safe when I’m home in bed  and I keep having dreams that ill never fall asleep again.

It scares me that I will never be 18 again  but I find comfort in the fact that I can never go back

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another list of lost feelings

1. my greatest talent
 is being able to burn bridges faster than I build them

2. I’m afraid you’re going to touch me 
and never come back

3.
 in the movies, you kiss my head while I sleep
 and I move against the mattress.
 now I sit here and wonder how many nights
 I have fallen asleep with your kiss and not known it

4.
 the days are getting longer 
 and I just keep getting smaller

5. the world is an awfully scary place
 but at least I had you

6.
 I lost every word about you
 and I can’t decide if I care or not

7.
 I bought a lighter and now I’m just 
searching for bridges to burn

8. I heard that it takes seven years to get over an allergy, so I’m hoping five years from now my skin will stop itching every time you brush against me.

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I didn't love a lot about you, which scared me almost half as much as it made me feel strong. 

but I loved how every inch of you was written in a different language and on the lucky nights I was fluent, and  sometimes I knew all the passwords to places you kept locked away

and on the worst nights I was lost. and I begged you not to disappear on me again and it fell on deaf ears, foreign words from native tongues. 

I loved that your mattress was on the floor

you said it was because you were getting yourself together, you'd get a frame for it someday you'd settle down when your head stopped spinning, when you were sure you were ready to stop running.

and I told you time and time again that it was okay not to be okay  and it was alright if your bed was on the floor as long as your heart was in my hands

I liked it I liked you more.

I could hold your hand while I laid next to my heart. Right next to the cracked hardwood floor that claimed to never break in fine print right on the label.

All promises are broken in due time. the only guarantee is that It will rain all day, the night after you felt all dried up

You are messy and not quite put together and it's alright because I've got pieces missing too. And there is an entire language I have to learn before I can tell you what it feels like when I lose you to what you can't control. 

And if you walk across my floor barefoot you can feel yourself slipping through the space between the boards.

I keep dyeing my hair and I wish I could say it meant something  poetic and beautiful but I just like feeling new

Maybe if I am darker you will feel lighter and you won't have to bolt your bed down to the floor to feel like you won't float away on me again

show me where it hurts the most so I can settle down and keep the tide from rolling in

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I am tired in a way that an entire lifetime of sleep couldn't cure 

I know exactly where we stand I just wish we were standing somewhere else

there are people walking around with parts of me that I did not give them permission to take.

there is a piece of me that falls from the tip of your tongue every time you tell me you love me from 700 miles away

you remind me of where I no longer want to be