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[scarluxia]

August 4, 2019

My brain wasn’t doing well yesterday. I didn’t fully dissociate, but I ran into a lot of execution errors and I could hear myself talking on autopilot but I didn’t know what I was going to say. I would want to do or say something, but there was a mental block/delay. Feeling a less extreme version today. Leigh put me in a hotel and my goblin instincts took over (lol) and I hoarded all the packaged…

[scarluxia]

August 3, 2019

Daydream about James I take a vacation from work to visit the country he’s in. I’ve saved plenty of money and updated my passport accordingly. I pack clothes that suit my Goth aesthetic, as well as some red for passion and white for ladylike innocence. I plan to dress like a lady, so none of my clothes are too revealing. I arrive at the airport on time and everything runs smoothly. When I…

[scarluxia]

July 31, 2019 | Wednesday

Rin tagged me in a post letting the world know she’s going to therapy and it’s really helping her. I’m glad. Most of her problems could be solved by reaching out to professionally-trained assistance. Meanwhile, the RAM for my computer came in and is being installed. We’ll see how this goes. It feels like an era of growth and transformation. I hope others, including Loki, also find the help they…

[scarluxia]

July 15, 2019 | James leaves for Europe

Narvi kept me up late to sit with him, poor fella. I got to watch YandereDev’s stream and he called me sweet for saying he’s my favorite dev and I hope he gets better. (He got sick at Anime Expo.) We have a good rapport. Yoga’s about to start and I’m tired from staying up with the cat. James starts his European biking trip today. I think he’ll be sharing it on social media, how…

[scarluxia]

July 11, 2019 | Saïx/Marluxia Day

Yesterday’s yoga was amazing. My hips felt a lot better afterwards. Then last night, after overeating, I did a HIIT workout and discovered how much yoga had challenged my muscles. It felt good,, though, knowing I’d been active.

[scarluxia]

May 30, 2019

I woke up in a bleak mood. I feel like my friends don’t pay enough attention to me, and then I feel guilty for feeling that way. I threatened to start invoicing my friends if I spend more time on them than they spend on me. I know I’m choosing to reinvent myself, but… I feel like I have no choice. I feel like I can’t be loved by just being myself. Witness all the times I’ve been punished for…

[scarluxia]

the You fandom needs to STFU about "hating Guinevere Beck = victim blaming, WAH."

In the book, sure, she was an asshole, but she was paradoxically a better character. The show tried to make her a ✨relatable everygirl✨, but instead they made this self-absorbed, flaky, tactically inept, lying, cheating, whiny twit who couldn't find a way out of a wet paper bag. Quite frankly, trying to pass someone like her off as an "everygirl" is insulting to real women. And you know what, yeah, there ARE a lot of ways she could have avoided being unalived by Joe, and calling her out on tactical ineptitude is NOT the same as saying she """deserved""" what happened. I don't care if she did or didn't, but I WAS cheering when Love Quinn said Beck was unremarkable and mediocre.

When we first met Beck, she showed some signs of intelligence and likability that sadly didn't last past a couple episodes. She had a steady job, was working her ass off, showed some serious balls to the professor who was acting inappropriately towards her, and it was easy to root for her. When Joe started stalking her and acting like he was the lead in a romantic comedy, yeah the show did a good job of pointing out how those types of comedies can influence toxic behavior on impressionable minds.

but dear GOD that girl was so up her own ass! I do feel like Joe genuinely tried to help her at some points, sure for selfish reasons, but I honestly don't care about those. He kept house for her, cooked for her, threw her this gorgeous theme party and baked her a really thoughtful cake. He even vouched for her and got her a job at his place of work, which she couldn't even BOTHER to attempt to do properly. It's understandable that she would need SOME time off from doing anything to mourn her friend's death, but I genuinely don't think that's what was going on there. I think she was being a flake and grasping for anything to use as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility. She didn't get her worked turned in on time for the lady professor even though Blythe did EVERYTHING in her power to help her (side note: "the most analog princess in the land" would use a pen and paper, NOT A TYPEWRITER). This chick just didn't want to be helped and I cannot overemphasize how much I HATE that type. A lot of her problems were her own damn fault because play stupid games = win stupid prizes.

Was Joe a dumbass for aliven't-ing people close to her? Yes; she would realistically be considered a suspect, and don't even get me started on him TAKING A CALL WHILE TRYING TO HIDE A BODY. (They're both tactically inept but I can rant about Joe in another post.) But up to a point he did care about her, and I believe he did trust her to a degree and she betrayed that trust.

Now, sleeping with her therapist HAHAHAHAHA okay MAYBE he took advantage of her because blah blah blah position of power blah blah (although another fandom I'm in has probably warped my view regarding that). But she didn't even have the grace to act ashamed or even try to pin it on him for taking advantage of her. That makes me think she CHOSE to cheat on Joe. And if memory serves, this was right after she'd gotten back WITH Joe after helping him cheat on Karen. He was 100% correct to suspect her. Now, following her to verify it, that's a moral grey area (hey, the internet remembers what those are, right?), but she was WAY more concerned that he was """following""" her than the fact that SHE was doing something that hurt him and got caught doing it. (And I'm not absolving him of responsibility; he fucked up, too, a lot, but again, that's for another post.)

Why the FUCK did she feel the need to go snooping in the ceiling after she was so freaked out about him following her (aka invading her ✨privacy, wah✨)? When you snoop, you might find things you don't like. It's an occupational hazard of being FUCKING NOSY. (I would know! 😃 )

Her reaction to what was in the box was... average. Can't fault her for that. But the way she HANDLED IT OMG. Like... What Joe was doing was absolutely not normal, but she should have KNOWN hey, this guy is fucking obsessive and crazy at this point! Maybe being fidgety and super obvious about trying to get away, and ALERTING HIM TO THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO GET AWAY, IS A STUPID IDEA!!! Literally she could have just said, "Hey... I'm SO sorry but I accidentally broke your jar. I promise I'll buy you another one. In fact, we can go shopping now if you want." & then give him the slip at the store using the ladies' room or whatever. Now with that  being said, no, she didn't """deserve""" to be knocked out and wake up in a cage, but I'm not sure how the fuck she expected her super obvious attempt to leave (when he was SURE to discover what happened) would work in her favor. Dumbass!

Waking up in the cage. Okay, here's where my personal tactics diverge from what's considered a "normal reaction". I actually pitched a "wake up in a cage" plot to a friend to use with our frenemy characters. Maybe this shows a lack of diversity on my part, but I'm pretty sure EVERY single one of my characters would have the sense to pretend it's a romantic vacation. She clearly knew that's how he wanted to be perceived. Failing that, she could have played dumb (I'm not sure why that was hard for her since she legit IS DUMB).

"Joe? Honey? Uh... what's going on? Did you bring the pancakes?"

or

"Hey, I'm sorry I broke your jar, but don't you think this is an overreaction?"

or literally something else innocuous like that.

Playing into his desire to hear what he wanted-- FUCKING EVENTUALLY, IT TOOK HER GODDAMN LONG ENOUGH-- was a smart move, but she overplayed her hand and screaming at him about being a """psycho""" or whatever 🙄🙄🙄 probably just motivated him to deathify her faster because obviously he'd get defensive & be in denial about that shit. Calling a psycho a psycho rarely works out in your favor just FYI.

Pretty sure she had him knocked out at one point, so like... she could have Removed him as a Threat permanently but she didn't and that was also a tactical error on her part. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS make sure you finish a job like that if you think your life is at risk.

Anyway it's like 3:00 a.m. and I'm rambling about a show I honestly loved at first, but GOD!!! BECK IS THE WORST JOE GIRL IN THE SHOW. Book Beck at least had some COMMON FUCKING SENSE and she had a better chance at surviving her captivity. It actually made me SAD that Book Beck didn't, but Show Beck I was just fuckin rooting for Joe to pest control her ass already.

 (Marienne is my favorite but ONLY after I saw her showing some serious fortitude in season 4.) I adored Love the first time I saw season 2 but then the second time it was like ehhhhh being the whiny brand of manipulative was really unnecessary, and good GOD did the writers lose track of her character in season 3! I don't even know if 2 Love and 3 Love were the same PERSON! And, no, you can't put all those fuckin changes on post-partum.  Post-partum affects aspects of your mood and behavior; it does NOT change your entire fucking personality. I miss the fun, carefree, obsessive but adorable about it Love from like the first few episodes of season 2 before the whinging and mind games set in. And, seriously? They didn't need to make her first husband's demise not-an-accident. I was fine with thinking he died from illness, but learning retroactively about her paralyzing a MUTE MAN WHO USES HIS HANDS TO TALK just felt... weird. Also how the FUCK did Ms. "LA runs deep in these veins" make friends with someone like Sherry and cut out Sunshine, Sunshine's wife forget-her-name, and GABE???? Should be fuckin criminal. I think those three kept her grounded.

And the Season 4 girl was... ehhh she gave him useful resources and took his crazy in stride, but idk she's otherwise forgettable. I don't even remember her name (nor can I be assed to look it up). I think it might have been Kate, but don't quote me on that. I didn't like her overall personality.

And yeah I'm bitching about a LOT of the women in the show, so let's name some ladies I liked.

- Blythe. Super pretentious but in similar ways to me, and she's cultured and intelligent enough to get away with it. Also she DID do her utmost to help Beck, and her romance with Ethan is completely adorable.

- Peach to a degree. Her actress is hot, and while she wanted to keep Beck as a pet, she was also pretty generous about helping her. Her love for Beck was equally as obsessive as Joe's, but you know what? She knew Beck longer and in addition to being a closeted lesbian, she struck me as borderline with some of her reactions to things, and that's GENUINELY relatable, not "teehee tv execs think this is relatable!"

- ANNIKA. Annika is the absolute best girl in season 1. I adore her and I'm glad she survived. I wish we'd seen more of her because omg her personality was absolutely perfect.

- Sunrise, completely adorable, sweet, and supportive.

- Ellie's a kid, but for the most part she had her shit handled. Her bratty teenage moments were entirely realistic and didn't detract from her characterization at all.

- like I said, I adored Love at first... until she started treating Joe like everything he did was wrong.

- trying to think of any girls I liked from season 3 and coming up completely blank. I did enjoy a few of the male characters and one of the actors who plays my favorite Canon Love Interest in another show was in it. Season 3 Marienne was pretty meh, but I don't think I hated her or anything.

- in season 4 OH MY GOODNESS Phoebe! Phoebe is everything! I'm SO GLAD she survived!!!

- Nadia was okay. She's so close to Ellie's age that the way Joe treated her was pretty shocking to me 😕 I guess once they're 18+ they're fair game.

- And like I said, Marienne won major points with me for her strength and resilience.

Anyway this has been my late night/early morning rant about why Beck made terrible decisions. And again let me stress - I don't think she DESERVED to be tortured or exterminatus'd. I do, however, think Joe's reactions to her behavior were 100% realistic.

[scarluxia]

it's raining and I can't sleep so… | CW: ongoing homicidal ideation (which i'm impotent to do anything about)

I should probably save all this for therapy but I’m just flashing back to some truly garbage people from my past and thinking about the ways I could have pest controlled them. I regret not doing it. The crazy lady who came up to me and punched me on Monterey & Senter several years back, when my girlfriend at the time just stood there, had to be TOLD to call the cops, then she hid out in a…

[scarluxia]

May 9, 2019

Justin had actually responded and offered to come over an hour after I ragequit Messenger. I’ve been mad at him for days. I feel awful, but relieved that he does care. I should have trusted him. He’s not like the others. I hope he’s not mad at me. I’m so grateful he checked up on me. When he does respond, if he isn’t mad… maybe I’ll try to set up a visit this weekend. Though maybe he won’t want…

[scarluxia]

May 7, 2019

Being silent. Ghosting nearly everyone. Playing dead. It’s not a tactic I enjoy using. It’s hard for me to be silent. Last night, I dreamed James and I were roommates and he let me cuddle chastely with him when Justin failed me. (He says he’s trying, but apparently driving 5 minutes to see me is too much effort.) Dreaming of James calms me. It’s precisely this failure, this lack of effort to…

[scarluxia]

May 5, 2019

Everyone I know is either neglecting me or shaming me for how I feel. No-one’s checking up on me and I don’t think anyone cares if I’m gone. I wish they cared. I wish Justin in particular wouldn’t let me get to the point where I’m so starved for affection that I get suicidal. I want more than anything a reliable husband to take care of me emotionally. I shouldn’t have to do it myself. It makes me…

[scarluxia]

May 4, 2019

I’m having a bad day, emotionally. I feel neglected and abandoned by… Justin and some of my friends. In Rin’s case, it’s her own fault everyone turns on her, but no-one works with me before cutting me off. They just disappear on me and maybe show up again if they need something. Or if I wrangle them into spending time with me, but I feel like I have to drag them kicking and screaming. People tell…

[scarluxia]

4/29/2019 | Monday

Yesterday I went on a picnic at the Children’s Discovery Museum. Food was good and healthy. Company was meh. A good resource for anarchy and permaculture. Kind of snobby– thinks he’s superior because he doesn’t watch TV or believe in public school. Also tries to go for intimacy way too fast and seemed obsessed with sex. But he provided valuable information. Today I took myself to IHOP for…

[scarluxia]

16 January 2016

“Conviction”, from August 6, 2009 John 16:7-11 Jesus: But very truly I tell you, it is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Advocate will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you. When he comes, he will prove the world to be in the wrong about sin and righteousness and judgment: about sin, because people do not believe in me; about righteousness, because I am I…

[scarluxia]

December 2, 2023

I don’t feel quite like myself. I have a sort of out-of-body, half-in, half-out dissociation. I don’t really feel like doing any activities, but cutting or drugs sure sound nice right now. I’ve got Lucius all to myself today so I’m doing neither. I should probably take him to the library but I’d rather… Not to be selfish, but I’m having trouble getting out of bed. How many opportunities at…

[scarluxia]

December 1, 2023

I found out Bex was still talking shit about me and confronted her. She started by saying people keep coming to her with their issues about me and she doesn’t want to be their therapist (disingenuous). I asked her if there’s anything she feels is wrong between us and she says she has some reservations and has been waiting for the other shoe to drop. She said she’s afraid of what happened last…

[scarluxia]

October 26, 2023

“Presumed innocent” is a sick joke. As long as I can remember– back to age 7 or so– people have accused me of doing things “on purpose”, meaning with malicious intention. Most of the time, I was confused and hurt by these accusation. I wasn’t “using people” when I was 10, I was playing with people I liked. I wasn’t “taking advantage of” my dad and most of the time I had no idea what he was…