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Tarot Pull of the Day: The Star Reversed

The reversed Star card can mean that you’ve lost faith and hope in the Universe.

You may be feeling overwhelmed by life’s challenges right now and questioning why you are being put through this.

You may be desperately calling out to the Universe to give you some reprieve but struggling to see how the Divine is on your side. Look harder and you will see it. The Divine is always there.

Take a moment to ask yourself what the deeper life lesson is and how this is a blessing, not a punishment.

Often, the reversed Star is a test of faith. When confronted with a challenging situation,

you can either crumble like the Tower or stand firm in your conviction that the Divine is

everywhere. You will also learn how to trust not only in the Universe but also in yourself. You are a vessel for the Divine and when you have faith and confidence in yourself, you allow the Divine to shine through.

The Star reversed also shows that you are disengaged and uninspired with life or components of your life (for example, work, hobbies, relationships, personal projects, etc.). Perhaps you started out with great vision and enthusiasm, but you are now finding yourself overwhelmed by day-to-day routines that are boring and dreary.

This card is particularly relevant for career readings when you feel disconnected from the work you do and wonder if it’s time to move on or make a change.

Reconnect to what is truly important to you and your soul’s purpose for this lifetime. Align your daily life with this purpose, and you will find new sources of inspiration.

The reversed Star urges you to take time out for self-care and nourishment on a deeply

personal and spiritual level. Your energy reserves may be well and truly depleted, so rather

than pushing yourself even further, make time just for you. Book a massage, reconnect to

your daily spiritual practices, take a warm bath – whatever it takes to nurture your spirit and reconnect with your inner essence. Being near water or engaging in a purification ritual will help to nourish you on a deeper level.

Source: The Ultimate Guide to Tarot Card Meanings by Brigit Esselmont

Personal Interpretation:

Honestly, this card is very relatable to me at the moment as I have been so overwhelmed with tasks in my way to achieving my current goals. Because of this, I feel so demotivated and uninspired lately, but I’m trying my best to get out of this mental blockage. I know I have to trust myself and The Universe that I can overcome these challenges and find a way to reenergize myself and focus on my purpose or what I need to accomplish.

I’ve been feeling disconnected, discontented, and disappointed, and I’m struggling pretty much to regroup. I know this is the worst time to be procrastinating because I have a target to complete this year, and I don’t have the luxury of time to just be sitting here unintentionally living my day.

I have noticed that having a daily ritual benefitted me in more ways than one, so I plan to establish a morning ritual to help myself stay grounded and consciously living at the moment with direction.

Recall what really matters to me at the present moment, what is truly important, what will bring me closer to my goal, what practices will help me gain something in the future?

Don’t lose hope. Continue with the struggle. You will be guided by The Universe. Believe that you will reach your goals. Just continue working on it and never give up.

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day 3: tarot of the day

Death Reversed

“What changes are you resisting?”

Often the answer can be found in what you are avoiding. It's time to challenge any form of denial. You know what needs changing. You know what needs your courage right now. The question is if you are going to approach your personal transformation with passive or assertive energy. Passive energy is going to make you dread change. You will say to yourself "Why is this happening to me?"

When you approach difficult changes and life challenges with courage, then you have some control over your response to this situation. Facing fears gives you great power over them. You no longer find yourself running and hiding from reality. Death reversed brings you in touch with the very things you've been avoiding. This is where you will find the next steps toward your personal evolution.

Death reversed asks you to step out of shadow and back into the light. Confront and let go of all that which no longer serves you. What has been keeping you stuck and in a state of fear or immobility?

This card is very healing for clearing out energy blockages. Death (upright or reversed) is always accompanied by Rebirth. Rebirth is the Yang to Death’s Yin. As the sun sets here it is simultaneously rising elsewhere. Do not fear what is changing right now. Often the fear isn't of something, but rather the fear of stepping up, taking your power back and allowing yourself to grow past this lesson. "Old and familiar" can often seem comfortable even if it's killing you inside.

Have courage because the transformation you are resisting will lead to a better you. Let your changes happen. Your sun will rise again.

This interpretation is from The Ultimate Guide to Tarot Card Meanings by Brigit Esselmont.

What I make sense of this in relevance to my day is that it’s telling me that I’m refusing to change. I pulled another card to clarify what I need to work on and I got the The Empress card in reverse which I understood to be a representation of self-love and self-care. I know that I’ve been neglecting myself especially my health. I always succumb to my detrimental habits (cigarette smoking) and lack the self-discipline to quit. I know that I need to focus on taking care of myself. It’s been years since I kept on blabbering about quitting, but I failed miserably in attempting this. I hope I can gather my inner strength to fulfill this long-time objective. Right now, I’m fighting over my thoughts not to cave in and to withstand my cravings. I hope I can emerge the winner in this battle against my substance addiction. One thing though, it amazes me how my tarot deck is very honest and on point in giving me advices and enlightening me with the current challenges I’m facing.

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a gentle reminder

Artwork by Shana Van Maurik

“But remember, there are two ways to dehumanize someone: by dismissing them, and by idolizing them.” ―David Wong

Hannah, there may be people who see you as way less than who you are. These are people who do not truly "see" you; people who do not have full access to who you really are.

Likewise, there may be people who see you as way more than who you are. People who do not truly "see" you; people who do not have full access to who you really are.

And somewhere in between those two perspectives is the most important set of eyes from which to see yourself: your own.

I know how tempting it is to want to be seen as someone great in the eyes of others—especially in the eyes of those we care about. Somewhere along the way I, too, began to selectively see myself through the eyes of other people. It was easier. It always is. Because it absolved me from the responsibility of looking at myself through my own eyes. It rid me of the responsibility of loving and being accountable for myself.

It's always easier to outsource love and accountability for the self. And it's always a trap.

Artwork by Jason Chuang

You see, when I was little, I modeled my behavior to the liking of my parents' eyes. It's natural—no?—to want to be accepted and loved by our parents. Later on in my teenage years, I fell deeply in love for the very first time and, surely enough, began to model my behavior and sense of self according to that one girl's eyes. It's natural—no?—to want to be liked by the people we like.

Wanting to be liked and accepted is not the trap itself. The trap is not being okay with being disliked. The trap is internalizing someone else's view of us as our own. The trap is avoiding looking at ourselves for who we are. The trap is only seeing who we'd like to be in someone else's eyes.

The trap is bypassing the responsibility of looking at ourselves with courageous vulnerability. The trap is not allowing ourselves to see what we love about us and what we need to work on so that we may be able to fully welcome ourselves under our own skin. The trap is thinking that it is someone else's responsibility to give us the love, compassion and accountability we are unable to give ourselves.

Artwork by Pride Nyasha

I'm not saying "don't be kind to others" or "don't care about other people's opinion towards you." Sometimes there's valuable feedback in the way others may see us. Sometimes other people's view of us reveals something great about us that we may have disregarded or taken for granted. Other times it may reveal something not-so-great about us that we may also be disregarding. And other times, their view of us reveals absolutely nothing about us and it is only a projection of their own needs, fears and expectations.

This is why nurturing a view of ourselves through our own eyes is important. So that we may be able to discern if the image we have of ourselves is actually ours - and not somebody else's projection that we have internalized.

Gentle Reminder: do not base your identity on how likeable or pleasing you can be for someone. If that becomes your main goal (catering to somebody else's wishful idea of you), you will find yourself consistently drained and exhausted for chasing after someone else's image of who you should be.

Artwork by Jane Koluga

Chasing after someone else's idea of you is the quickest way to run away from yourself. Having the constant need to always be liked by others keeps us from getting to know ourselves intimately. It detaches us from our bodies, from our dreams, from our needs and, ultimately, from the accountability of being ourselves. After all, we are the ones that have to live with ourselves for the rest of our lives. Twenty-four seven, three sixty five. At some point—hopefully sooner than later—we have begin to make peace with ourselves so that we don't seek self-validation through others.

Is self-acceptance easy? Absolutely not. It is one of the most difficult things we get to do in life. Meeting and seeing ourselves clearly in the mirror requires forgiveness, compassion, accountability and courage — it's not something we can get done in one afternoon and move on. It's a daily practice.

Is self-acceptance necessary? There is no progress without it. It's what allows us to own our strengths, bet on them and pursue our dreams. It's also what allows us to acknowledge our frailties and—if they matter to us—work on ourselves to overcome them.

Gentle reminder:

If you are having trouble accepting yourself wholly, don’t stress it. Acknowledge that it's hard work. Begin, perhaps, by accepting yourself in parts. In little, tiny parts.

Start with your smile maybe. That smile that gently blossoms on your face whenever you encounter something that—even for a glimpse of a moment—makes your soul flutter.

Start there.

The journey to discover why, when and how the soul flutters is the journey of self-acceptance. Start noticing it in the little things. Don’t deny them anymore. Accept them.

Jovanny Varela Ferreyra

Founder of The Artidote

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day 2: tarot of the day

The Tower Upright

Keywords: Sudden change, upheaval, chaos, revelation, awakening

Expect the unexpected – massive change, upheaval, destruction, and chaos. Any event that shakes you to your core, affecting you spiritually, mentally, and physically. There’s no escaping it. Change is here to tear things up, create chaos, and destroy everything in its path (but trust me, it’s for your Highest Good).

Just when you think you’re safe and comfortable, a Tower moment hits and throws you for a loop. A lightning bolt of clarity and insight cuts through the lies and illusions you have been telling yourself and now the truth comes to light. Your world may come crashing down before you in ways you could never have imagined as you realise that you have been building your life on unstable foundations – false assumptions, mistruths, illusions, blatant lies, and so on.

Everything you thought to be true has turned on its head. You are now questioning what is real and what is not; what you can rely upon and what you cannot trust. This can be very confusing and disorienting, especially when your core belief systems are challenged. But over time, you will come to see that your original beliefs were built on a false understanding, and your new belief systems are more representative of reality. The best way forward is to let this structure self-destruct, so you can re-build and re-focus. And let’s be real – with a card like the Tower, you have no choice but to surrender to the destruction and chaos, no matter how unwanted or painful. Change on this deep level is hard, but you need to trust that life is happening for you, not to you, and this is all for a reason.

This destruction will allow new growth to emerge and your soul can evolve. After a Tower experience, you will grow stronger, wiser, and more resilient as you develop a new perspective on life you did not even know existed. These moments are necessary for your spiritual growth and enlightenment and truth and honesty will bring about a positive change, even if you experience pain and anxiety throughout the process.

Thankfully, the Tower doesn’t always associate with pain and turmoil. If you are highly aware and in tune with your inner guidance system, then this tarot card can indicate a spiritual awakening or revelation. You may be able to see the cracks forming and take action before the whole structure comes tumbling down. You may create a massive transformation before you reach the point where change is your only option. In its most positive form, The Tower card is your opportunity to break free from the old ways of thinking that have been holding you back.

The following interpretations are from the book The Ultimate Guide to Tarot Card Meanings by Brigit Esselmont.

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day 1: tarot of the day

First of all, I got my first tarot deck (The Original Tarot from Da Brigh) on December 26, 2020 from Amazon which was the perfect gift I ever received in Yule. Along with this, I also got The Seasons of the Witch: Samhain Oracle, a stunningly beautiful oracle deck, I would say. This was bought for me by a special someone who’s existence is so dear to me. Thank you for this. He basically asked me what I wanted for Yule and I said, I wanted this tarot deck! I personally don’t believe that your tarot deck should be gifted to you. It’s perfectly fine if you bought it yourself since it is gonna be YOU who will be using it, so you should be able to choose which deck resonates with you. I’ve been eyeing this classic deck for awhile now and also the one from Nightmare Before Christmas tarot deck. But since I’m a beginner in tarot, this deck would be more suitable for someone who’s a complete novice like me.

Since it’s the beginning of the year, I planned to do a one tarot pull a day to get myself acquainted with my cards. I read a recommendation somewhere that it would be a great practice to help me understand the meanings of each cards without overwhelming myself and at the same time, create a connection with it.

I know this post is one day late. I recorded my first tarot reading of the year on my phone’s notes and then I decided today that I would document it here in my Tumblr blog instead.

Yesterday morning, January 1, 2021, I got The Chariot card. I contemplated on the visuals and then looked for it’s meaning to better grasp the message it’s trying to tell me.

The Chariot Upright

Keywords: Control, strength, willpower, success, determination, travel/journey

This is a sign of encouragement.

Take control and navigate your path.

Your decisions are in alignment with your values and now, you are taking action on those decisions.

Fuel your desires with your willpower and determination and channel your inner power to bring them to fruition.

When you apply discipline, commitment, and willpower to achieve your goals, you will succeed.

Don’t be passive, take focused action and stick to your course no matter what challenges may come your way. You will be pulled in opposite directions and find your strength and conviction tested.

Keep your focus and remain confident in your abilities.

Have self-discipline to concentrate on the task at hand. Don’t cut corners or take an easy route.

The following interpretations are from the book The Ultimate Guide to Tarot Card Meanings by Brigit Esselmont.

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new year tarot spread

This 12-card spread is an awesome way to close out the year and set yourself up for an amazing year in 2021.

Create a sacred space, grab your favorite Tarot deck, and get ready for some powerful visualizations. Make sure you have your Tarot journal handy so you can write out your insights – you'll want to come back to this spread throughout the year to see how you’re tracking!

New Year Tarot Spread

The previous year in summary

Lessons learned from the past year

Aspirations for the next 12 months

What empowers you in reaching your aspirations

What may stand in the way of reaching your aspirations

Your relationships and emotions in the coming year

Your career, work, and finances

Your health and well-being

Your spiritual energy and inner fulfillment

What you most need to focus on in the year ahead

Your most important lesson for the coming year

Overall, where are you headed in the next 12 months

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When I was in kindergarten, I participated in a play. We were doing Snow White. I’m so fascinated with the queen’s role also the witch in the story, but I didn’t make it and landed with the mirror character instead. At that early age, that’s how it started for me. I came to know that my fondness for peculiar things makes me different. Other children would want to play the Snow White role, but I wanted the witch one. From then on, I never really thought that my fondness for strange stuff would stick to me making me an oddball. Growing up, my interests for magic, witchy movies, horror genres, vampires blossomed more. I knew then that I have penchant for the macabre and occult something majority of people won’t grasp.

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Every cigarette I inhale, I kept thinking & hoping it being the last one, but later find myself taking a hit off another and the pattern goes on and on and on, I even lost count. Sometimes I ask myself, what will it take for me to entirely stop this madness. I’ve been struggling so hard to quit, but my mind easily gives in.

I’m so disappointed with my failed self control. I’m starting to feel like it’s too high of a hurdle to overcome that I want to give up the process. This bad habit has been dragging along for what, 12 or 13 years? I just want to wake up one day with these urges gone. I’m getting old and the best thing I could do for myself is to live a healthy lifestyle.

Majority of my friends have successfully stopped, but why can’t I do the same? Is my resolve too weak? Is my resistance glass-like one can easily break? I’m tired of putting up with its nuisance. It’s a waste of money, it’s dangerous for my health, especially that I’m having breathing problems because of my rhinitis, and a whole lot of reasons telling me why I should stop. The list goes on. Can I really do it? I wish one day I could go back to this post in the near future and congratulate myself for having really done it.

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my first artidote newsletter

I really love this email I received from The Artidote, and I’m putting this here as a self reminder.

Hi Hannah, thank you for subscribing to my free newsletter. I hope the gentle reminders sprinkled down below help you as much as they help me.

Happy reading.

Jova

Artwork by Aykut Aydogdu  

"This year taught me that my loneliness has more to do with myself than anyone else. The loneliest I will ever be is when I do not have the strength to love myself." — Marianna Paige

I've been thinking about the different ways in which we end up unable to love ourselves. At least wholeheartedly and fully. The way we can love a flower, for example. Or a sunset. Or a dog.

Have you ever wondered, Hannah, why is it that we can't love ourselves the way we love a flower? I mean, we're both fragile. We both require water, sunlight and good grounding to receive our nutrients.

Or why can't we love ourselves like a sunset? We are equally mesmerizing to stare into, full of mystery in our eyes, color in our souls, deeply nuanced and tragically transient.

Or at least love ourselves like a dog? We also wag our invisible tails at anything that promises joy, we both crave affection, and we also will fiercely defend that which we are lovingly loyal to.

Painting (detail) by Antoine Cordet

I've come to realize that, perhaps, one of the main differences why we can't love ourselves like a flower, a sunset or a dog is judgement. We don't judge a flower for not having enough petals. We don't shame a sunset for not being colorful enough. And we don't demand more dogness out of a dog. We simply accept them, just as they are, and are extremely glad for their existence.

Notice that when we judge, we inherently are detaching ourselves from the object of our judgement. It creates a separation. Distance.

So imagine what happens when we judge ourselves. We detach from ourselves. We create a distance between who we wish to be and who we can't accept that we are; distance between what we should be doing and what we actually are doing.

And that's one extremely painful place to put ourselves in: the painful space between who we yet not are and who we do not want to currently be.

Artwork by Raya Gunova

Today, I'm reminding myself (and you through this email) that:

1. Comparison is an act of violence - especially when I am comparing who I wish to be with who I currently am

2. Acceptance requires forgiveness

3. Acceptance does not mean compliance or "settling-for"

4. You can both accept yourself wholeheartedly as you currently are AND still have a vision for who you are aspiring to be

These are important reminders for anyone who's having a hard time connecting with themselves right now. I try to remind myself of these as often as necessary. I wasted literal YEARS of my life stuck in that painful middle space between who I wanted to be and who I couldn't accept that I was.

Those years became fertile soil for anxiety, overthinking, and depression to settle in. It distanced me even further from who I wanted to be: a full human being with flaws and virtues figuring life out one day at a time and not losing his mind & loving heart in the process.

It wasn't until I started practicing acceptance (yes, it's something we have to practice) that I began coming out of that sunken place. Acceptance sometimes looked like a feeling I had been avoiding. Other times it was a responsibility I had been rolling my eyes at. And other times it was just simply letting go of something that deep inside I knew was already over and no longer serving me.

Artwork by Wenqing Yan

Try it this week, Hannah. Be conscious of what acceptance means to you at this particular moment in your life. How is it manifesting in your life? What is this moment calling for you to finally begin accepting? Acceptance can be closure. And it can be the beginning of a new phase in your life.

Anyway, that's it for today. Thank you for having read this far. This is possibly one of the longest e-mails that I will send you. Feel free to let me know if I should definitely keep them shorter

Until next time.

Keep accepting. Keep forgiving. Keep Loving. Keep breathing.

Jovanny Varela Ferreyra

Founder of The Artidote

Coach at The Four Fellowships

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under the weather

A week ago, I caught a severe cold, but nothing to worry, it’s not COVID. I’ve been having intermittent low-grade fever (thanking my immune system for fighting for me) which I was brushing off using mind power and tons and tons of water.

Jandel sent me money to buy meds and snacks (my sugar daddy), and he also renewed his Netflix subscription because he’s waiting for Attack on Titans. I’m drinking tea and eating junk food while watching Netflix. I saw this Ghibli movie, Ocean Waves, but I thought it was a total waste of my time because I didn’t like it.

I’d definitely look silly if someone sees me holding my Selenite crystal on my forehead. I’m envisioning it absorbing my cold, but yeah, I did that. I bought a set of tumbled stones, trinket dishes, and a teacup-saucer set online. I’m pondering if these are really responsible purchases I made, being an unemployed person and all. 

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law of inertia

I only got myself to blame for this terrible headache I’m suffering right now. My tired eyes are complaining for having slept so little. They’re so tired they’re literally crying ready to pop out of the socket. I drank two large mugs of coffee, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. I wanted to sleep early to get some much needed rest, but sadly, I just can’t afford to until I’m close to passing out.

I’ve been a certified freeloader for a year now. It hurts my pride that I’m not doing anything around the house. Even my own laundry is piling up. I keep bumping on it outside my bathroom door, but I’ve just been ignoring it, pretending it’s invisible. It’s the least chore I prefer to do.

I skipped studying for four days because I didn’t feel like it. If I depended on my feelings alone, I seriously won’t get anything done. I need to break out of this inertia. Self-motivation is not cutting it. I know that the getting started part is the hardest and what I need right now is a driving force that can shove me out of my miserable stagnation. At the end of all this, when I’ll finally have this daunting task completed, I very well know that my future self, with her eyes rolled, will regret why I’m being such a retard for taking my sweet time when I could’ve immediately just acted on it.

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my witchcraft reading list

✨ The Modern Guide to Witchcraft by Skye Alexander

✨ Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner by Scott Cunningham

✨ Protection & Reversal Magick by Jason Miller

✨ Witchcraft Today by Gerald Gardner

✨ Inner Witch: A Modern Guide to the Ancient Craft by Gabriela Herstik

✨ Practical Magic: A Beginner’s Guide to Crystals, Horoscopes, Psychics, and Spells by Nikki Van De Car

✨ The Green Witch: Your Complete Guide to the Natural Magic of Herbs, Flowers, Essential Oils, and More by Arin Hiscock-Murphy

✨ Psychic Witch: A Metaphysical Guide to Meditation, Magick & Manifestation by Mat Auryn

✨ The Door to Witchcraft: A New Witch’s Guide to History, Traditions, and Modern-Day Spells by Tonya A. Brown

✨ Waking the Witch: Reflections on Women, Magic, and Power by Pam Grossman

✨ Wiccapedia: A Modern-Day White Witch’s Guide by Leanna Greenaway and Shawn Robbins

✨ Moon Spells: How to Use the Phases of the Moon to Get What You Want by Diane Ahlquist

✨ The Modern Witchcraft Book of Natural Magick by Judy Ann Nock

✨ The House Witch by Arin Hiscock-Murphy

✨ The Illustrated Herbiary by Maia Toll

✨ Buckland’s Complete Book of Witchcraft by Raymond Buckland

✨ Living Wicca by Scott Cunningham

✨ The Stars Within You: A Modern Guide to Astrology by Juliana McCarthy

✨ Wicca: A Modern Guide to Witchcraft and Magick by Harmony Nice

✨ The Good Witch’s Guide by Leanna Greenaway and Shawn Robbins

✨ The Healing Power of Witchcraft by Meg Rosenbriar

✨ Crystal Witch: The Magickal Way to Calm and Heal the Body, Mind, and Spirit by Leanna Greenaway and Shawn Robbins

✨ Light Magic for Dark Times by Lisa Marie Basile

✨ Witchcraft Medicine: Healing Arts, Shamanic Practices, and Forbidden Plants by Christian Rätsch, Claudia Müller-Ebeling, and Wolf-Dieter Storl

✨ A Practical Guide to the Runes: Their Uses in Divination and Magick by Lisa Peschel

✨ The Ultimate Guide to Tarot: A Beginner’s Guide to the Cards, Spreads, and Revealing the Mystery of the Tarot by Liz Dean

✨ The Ultimate Guide to Chakras: The Beginner’s Guide to Balancing, Healing, and Unblocking Your Chakras for Health and Positive Energy by Athena Perrakis

✨ Cunningham’s Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs by Scott Cunningham

✨ Cunningham’s Encyclopedia of Wicca in the Kitchen by Scott Cunningham

✨ The Witch’s Herbal Apothecary: Rituals and Recipes for a Year of Earth Magick and Sacred Medicine Making by Marysia Miernowska

✨ The Modern Herbal Dispensatory: A Medicine-Making Guide Book by Steven Horne and Thomas Easley

✨ Basic Witches: How to Summon Success, Banish Drama, and Raise Hell with Your Coven by Jaya Saxena and Jess Zimmerman

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what the actual fuck are you doing?

A lot of changes happened to me in 2018. It was a year plenty of grueling decision makings and risk takings. I resigned from my position in an insurance company, the longest job I ever had, almost three years. After a month of job seeking, I landed a corporate job on a medical account which I also quit after 4 months of working. I got hired again in a telco company, but this time, I only lasted for a month. I quit that job because I find the work unsuitable for me. Once again, I became unemployed. I’m so fed up with my situation that I came up with an idea to work in Japan, so I enrolled for Nihongo classes, which my dad actually paid for roughly $500. The class started in November of the same year. While still taking classes every weekend, I also got myself a new job in a startup company looking for medically-allied professionals. Here, I met a lot of colleagues who are also in the healthcare industry.

Came 2019, I began to love my new job. With influence from fellow workmates, my interest for working abroad as a nurse rekindled. I then started preparing for the NCLEX too, which I originally planned to do since 2015, but kept on postponing for a later time. In the middle of the year, I got myself distracted with my online business, an occult shop. I became so occupied with it that I forgot about the NCLEX. It was thanks to my dad who really pushed me to finally go for it, but of course, I was very adamant at first. I got promoted at work, but sadly, I had to leave to focus on my studying. I left my hometown determined to take the NCLEX once and for all. I enrolled in review classes for about a month as my dad suggested. I did self study for half a year before I took my licensure exam on July 13th, 2020. It’s the COVID year.

At present time in writing, 2020 has been a remarkably tough year for all the people around the world brought by the pandemic. But despite all that’s happened worldwide, not that I’m indifferent to the hardships and difficulties of others, I still consider this year a lucky year for me in terms of my goals. In fact, I’m beyond grateful for the opportunities and blessings I’ve received this year. As a consequence of COVID-19, NCSBN adjusted the exam from 75-265 items down to 60-170 to accommodate more examinees in the testing area. The examiners are now required to answer a minimum of 60 questions to pass until further notice. However, the level of difficulty is still the same.

Just like me, my acquaintances paid for more than $400 in review classes. We also bought UWorld subscriptions which cost us $100. We spent not only money but a lot of effort and time in studying as well. Because of the rising outbreak, all of our exams were rescheduled. I was supposed to take it in July 1st, but it was moved to the 13th which I think was a good thing as it was just after the Mercury retrograde. In the face of all those obstacles, I was able to take the exam and my computer shut down at number 60 which took me an hour to complete. I was totally out of it the whole day. I didn’t know what to feel. I paid $8 to get my unofficial results which states that I passed. Until now, the idea of me being an officially registered nurse in the state of New York feels surreal.

Some of my acquaintances from the review classes I took got their exam rescheduled too but couldn’t make it as there were no longer available slots. I got pretty lucky with mine because I got booked right away just 2 weeks from my original appointment. The chances of getting an open slot this year is fairly low and the next possible open schedules are not until June 2021 which is such a long wait, if you tell me. All the contents from the arduous review sessions are probably forgotten by that time. There were also people outside the region who were planning to take the exam too, but couldn’t because of the COVID situation.

All things considered, granted this favorable moment in my life, I am filled with gratitude. Now, that I’m done with step one, I’m going to set out for another exam, which is the IELTS. I know, when does this ever end? I have a looooong way to go to achieve my goals. I used to think that I started too late in my journey, but regardless, I’m not going back now and hopefully, this time, I can stay on track.

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constipated and sleep deprived

Most of my days are spent doing absolutely nothing. I’m so good at being lazy that sometimes I creep myself out if I ever purposely accomplish something, even just a little, out of my day. I’m the slothiest human it’s becoming a grave sin.

How are my days spent? When I’m asked this seemingly scary question, I feel a pang of guilt, a churning sensation in my stomach, a panicked brain signaling my defense mechanism. I’ve had too many futile attempts of making a to-do list with little follow through ending up feeling discouraged from it. Now, who’s fault is that?

I’m always the unconventional type. I try to do things on my own. I rarely follow the norms and I sometimes like to challenge authority. I’m no longer a teenager by the way, but oftentimes, I have a problem with following some orthodox rules and if I do, it is when I’m left with no choice or when I’m forced. I like to deviate from the crowd. I know this probably sounds so antisocial, but trust me, I haven’t gone to prison yet nor I ever dreamed so.

Most of the time, I’m highly caffeinated, which is kind of pointless because it isn’t even put to good use. I don’t even get why I sleep so late at 3:00 or 4:00 AM, then wake up at noon feeling like crap, regretting and reflecting on what I’ve been doing for getting so little sleep. I don’t have insomnia, it’s just my brain overpowering my body clock. It’s like I don’t ever want to go to sleep because I want more hours in my day to do something fruitful, but I’m not seeing any results. It feels as if I’m running in place, never getting far, even if I’m going fast. I want to punch myself real bad. Sleep is important.

I’m going to stop right here not because I’m going to attend to my most pressing task, but to take a dump instead. Maybe I’m like this because I’m always constipated and lacking exercise.

[scatterbrain000]

brain clutters

I’m stuck in a loop of personal torture. For years, I’ve been constantly depressed. I’ve spent half of my life procrastinating and the worst part is, I’m pretty conscious of it. I guess, I should be done with that quarter-life crisis shit. I’m already past the age of “I should be acting like an adult,” because I already am one, but too stubborn to admit it. But really, how do you adult? Is it defined by age, income, milestones, mindset? I’m struggling to be a better person. I want to improve myself. I want to stop being so oblivious with what’s going on around me or maybe, I just didn’t really care that much. I want to stop wasting my time because I’ve already wasted too much. On the flip side, I want to spend my energy on what really matters.

The more I get to know myself, the better I am at coping with my distress. I can’t say that I’m doing a good job, but fairly enough to reassure. Honestly, I know the important stuff that I need to confront, but I just keep on stalling and delaying it like some illness you’re hoping to go away with time. It’s true, I’m in denial and I’m scared. What if I don’t succeed? Even how dumb that question sounds, it still has its crippling effect. I’m not a person to act spontaneously. I tend to overthink endlessly, which is practically draining, and it hinders me to act on urgent concerns. Every now and then, I stop myself from thinking and just do whatever the hell I’m supposed to do to get it over with, but I wish I could be like that all the time.

Recently, I uninstalled a social media app to get away from all the unnecessary toxic. I certainly needed a digital break to restore my peace of mind which I find truly of help. I noticed that the time I spent unproductively using that app is spent on other things more beneficial to my being.

I know I’m leaping from one topic to another and I’m not even sure where I’m going with this. It really shows how complicated and confusing my thoughts are. At the moment, something’s nagging at the back of my head saying, I need get on my review classes right now and stop running off from my task. I think 2020 is the year that I’ve done a lot of studying in my entire life. It’s demanding and exhausting, but I have to do it.

To sum this all up, this is me procrastinating and fleeing from my responsibilities. I hope I could stop slacking and half-assing things and have the discipline to committedly do something seriously.

[scatterbrain000]

day one ramblings

I start my day drinking a cup of black coffee. It’s the essential part of my mundane routine. Even if it seemed ordinarily repetitive, it’s I feel the most excited about when I wake up first thing in the morning. The anticipation of making my coffee, drinking it, tasting the bitterness as it’s lacing and seeping in my tongue, lighting my initial cigarette of the day. Unfortunately, it’s a bad habit I associated with my coffee drinking.

I don’t particularly feel that my days are anything exceptional, if at all, but I’m grateful for every new beginnings. I’m listening to music on my earpods while writing this, but I stopped playing it in the middle and switched to speaker mode, so I can concentrate more efficiently.

I’ve always been fond of writing in my early days. I wonder when I’d stopped doing things I used to enjoy. When I was in high school, I aspired to become a writer, but I suck. Somehow, I became apathetic and depressed that I’ve neglected it. My character took a 180-degree turn, but I’ve always been so cynical and misanthropic, nothing new there. It disappoints me that my writing isn’t good enough, that it stinks and not worth reading, so I just dropped it. I previously had a WordPress blog that I failed to keep updated. I relentlessly created so many of them over the years, but I hated everything that I wrote, so I just deleted them completely. It’s funny to me how this ruthless cycle has been going on for a decade.

I’ve long been reflecting on my inconsistencies and impractical idealism. Ever since, I’ve always battled with my being perfectionist. I oftentimes talk to myself about it. “Hey, it’s okay to make mistakes. You don’t have to be perfect. Just doing the best you can is already enough. Don’t compare yourself to others. Things don’t automatically turn up to be great the first time.” I always keep this in mind every time I start frustrating over what I do. It helps control my awful predisposition.

I’m aware that nobody will read my personal writings no one’s supposed to and that I’m being too hard on myself, but mostly, I’m just a huge ball of anxiety. My goal with this, basically, is for self-awareness and thought organization. I’m an introvert and my thoughts are so messy. I can’t keep up with the chaos inside my head and this digital journal is like my private therapy.