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lorde // liability

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Starting something new. Over 2 years ago I entered a new relationship.

Facebook is to public and this is more safe for me.

It's been 94 days without who I thought I was in love with. 94 days ago, I wasn't sure I'd make it to day 94.

Its been 13 days since I sent a text. And it's going to keep going up. I most likely will ramble. So enjoy.

In the end, he has shown many narcissistic traits. He was playing many people at once. I was never good enough to show off on social media but a week after we broke it off for good, he posted he was in a relationship with "such and such"

After 2 years, of me wanting him to post my name or even post a picture...and he never did. Psh. I never even met one of his friends or family members. Talk about being blinded and naive.

Less than a month in and he's sending "her" flowers (never did with me) he's even climbing literal mountains with "her" and posting pictures of them together on social media. He's doing everything I ever asked him to do with me. He was seeing me and 3 days later sleeps with someone "who I didn't need to worry about". He had no interest in sleeping with me anymore and that's because he was already sleeping with her long before he called it off with me. This is something I have had to come to terms with these past 94 days. His disinterest in me the last few months we were together, showed terribly and I never thought twice about it at the time.

He was stringing me along for a majority of our so called "relationship" and is now giving this woman everything she wants. He never wanted to leave his place when I was there. He never wanted to plan things out. And he knew what he was doing, he said. (Meaning when I said, you know I'm not coming back, right) so he threw me away for a girl he was entertaining for well over a year and was finally able to take his shot with her. I was not valuable to him anymore. It sucks for sure. To have feelings grow foe someone and they are stuck as a bud in soil. Feelings never growing, and love one sided.

It's been 94 days and tomorrow will be 95. I am strong and I am grateful he finally cut the cord with me. I wasn't leaving, with the little attention he was giving me. So he had to do what was necessary to get rid of me for good and that was to post what he has posted and go into a full blown relationship 3 days after seeing me last. I was torn to shreds.

I threatened suicide, I didn't want to be here anymore, I think that was around day 20ish?

I have grown since then. I have had time to relive moments with him and open my eyes to the reality of it all.

They say the first 90 days are the hardest. As cliche as that sounds, but ultimately I believe it's true. The first day was death all in itself. But I dug to much and hurt myself for whatever it was worth. But it also opened my eyes to who he wasn't. He was not faithful to me throughout the 2 years that I was with him. It is a sad pivotal moment in time to remember, the thought of not feeling wanted anymore. It was long ago, but he kept flooding me with affection and what seemed to be love. There was a time where I no longer felt like he wanted me around and from that point on, I felt awkward for even staying the night.

He moved on, is the point. He moved on long before he discarded me to the curb. I was played at the good old ripe age of 33. How comical it was to being sitting on a bench at the beach less than a week prior to him leaving me on "read" then saying he was done. (All through text) not a thought to think to ask to sit down and have a heart to heart and be honest.

Tomorrow will be day 95.

I'm making it by and I'm going to be okay. Healing is a process and even though he seems like he may have the love of his life in his arms (according to facebook) then all the power to him, for saying he loved me and instead wanted to be with someone else.

Tomorrow is day 95. I'm proud of myself for being able to wake up everyday, be a mom, go to work, interact with other people and not be so miserable and unbearable to be around. I sure have my days where memories hurt. But someone will find me one day when I least expect it.

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C.L.F

Thanks mom.

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Hurt

He has burst my heart into cold shattered glass.

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Truth

This is not for anyone but me.

I hate the situation i am in. I did it to myself about 3 years ago. I made a decision and i stuck by it.

Almost 2 years went by and i did so well. I was hurting but i was healing. I did it to myself. I was more happy, outgoing, friendly. Alive. I felt good.

But i cracked, even after 2 years...and i am standing exactly where i left off. Nothing has changed. It was the honey moon stage again...then right back into the same patterns. It is the same. I am the same. I feel worthless and exhausted...no i know i am exhausted.

I have not accepted that i will forever be doing things on my own even though i have someone beside me. I feel lonely and not loved. Almost 2 years ago... i felt loved, i was happy and smiling but that was the beginning again.

We are the same two people, we havent changed. I just felt good, i took care of myself, my health. I maintained a good image. I was finally getting happy with my self.

2 years later...30 pounds heavier...shit as much as i weighed when i was 9 months prego.

I feel like shit all the time, not sure if its where i am or who i am with anymore. Im pretty sure 90 percent is the shitty situation that my family is in. That is not helping my relationship at all. Its straining us and wringing us dry.

I dont even want to work anymore. I was doing so well not long ago. Showing up early, doing work, feeling accomplished. Now i sit in misery, in cemeteries (cause its peaceful and i am away from the nightmare) i sit out in my car for hours qt end, just because i dont want to enter the chaos.

I miss him. I miss who he was. Maybe he has always been this mean and nasty person. I know for a fact he probably was. All i am is a stupid b*tch or dumb c*nt. Aint that nice that someone who has been in your life for almost 12 years can really let those words flow off their tongue. People ask me why...

And i have no real answer to the why. Cant really use the fact that he is my childs father anymore...because clearly thats not a reasonable answer.

I still think of how it would be if i was with someone else. How they would treat me...how we would work out. Where i could be, etc.

"Can i be with him for the rest of my life"

The answer is sure.

Afterall, so much history, so much stupid shit. He was my best friend at some point.

I made yet another mistake that i can not take back this time. No matter how much i love him, no matter how much the smell of him calms me, and when he does smile and love me...makes my heart melt all over again. I cant let him go, no matter how much pain i am in...and it kills me.

(Horrible grammer, phone typing sucks...i miss my computer)

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“Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive.”

— Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre (via subinie)

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Everything was perfect once…

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Stop waiting for an explanation…

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I want you to know that you ruined me. That I don’t know if I can recover from this. This isn’t me being dramatic or trying to make you feel bad, this is me putting the cards on the table and telling you that telling me you were different and that you would love me despite my flaws, and then throwing my insecurities in my face was cruel.

You hurt be beyond repair, I will never be the same. I will mend the wounds but the scars will remain a painful memory. (via crashingwaves-burningsouls)

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When there are more tears than smiles, leave. When there are more fights than jokes, leave. When it hurts more than it feels good, leave. They don’t have the right to destroy you just because you love them. And loving them doesn’t mean you have to stay.

A lesson I learned the hard way -Jess Amelia (via jess-amelia)

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And it’s amazing how much noise people ignoring each other can make.

Eoin Colfer, Benny and Babe  (via wordsnquotes)