scatteredlightevenbeam
janie
they're only days!
~
(my stupid journal secret menu DLC)
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Aurora Australis (Southern Lights) - Stirling Dam, Western Australia
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I want to touch everyone I meet. I want to pull away my human kin, my sisters, my brothers, from the phone and the television, and lay my hands on their face. On their chest, in their hands, and look at their eyes and wrap one arm around them while we stand in the sea and while we dig pits in the sand to bury the bees that come to the beach to die, so they can rest peacefully.
I want to go somewhere new and look across the stream at a man under a tree, and come down off the bridge and meet him there. I want to find somewhere to feel like my body is my very own vessel, like I'm finished just piloting a suit of armor while the burning in my nerves persists.
I want to meet with someone and talk with someone that will never give me a reason to fear him, I will never need to forgive any great transgression or wonder when he will scream at me again, tell me I am wrong and I have been bad. I don't trust anyone after what happened.
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Oh, I know the madness will fade. I know I'll go to sleep feeling safe and comforted again. I know the longing will finally leave me, the guilt you forced on me will go. I know it won't matter soon, how I bled for you, how I stayed for you, how I loved you and ached for you. I won't yearn even a year longer, it is like the sea. The memories draw near and their gravity brings a high tide from my stomach into my throat, and this will all be sorted out tomorrow.
And then I do it again–
(I have grieved before and I will grieve again).
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There is so much truth, but little you need to know. I think of you. But I am busy looking after myself.
(Also, I don't really forgive you. I just wish none of it ever happened and I think often about how that would be.)
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