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[scentedbluebirdkid]

[scentedbluebirdkid]

[scentedbluebirdkid]

rip maaaam

BOJACK HORSEMAN S05E06 - "Free Churro"

[scentedbluebirdkid]

[scentedbluebirdkid]

BoJack Horseman S06E03 ‘Feel-Good Story’

[scentedbluebirdkid]

“Mr. Blue / I told you that I love you / Please believe me” - Mr. Blue by Catherine Feeny

Ever since I finished BoJack Horseman (again), I’ve had this song stuck in my head. This soft instrumental plays as we watch Diane and BoJack on the rooftop for possibly the last time, and it makes me think about how fleeting moments are. 

I am going through nothing quite as terribly sad or perhaps existential, but that’s what I love about this show. And every time this final scene comes on, my heart is bursting with a bittersweet feeling. I’m sad my journey is over; I’m sad BoJack is getting a reality check and nobody waited around for him. I’m happy though because this is a beautiful representation of relationships and how your own self-destructive behavior can peel out and touch everyone around you. 

In any case, I am starting antidepressants soon. I guess they’ll be ready today, but I don’t know if I want to try them yet. I’m so nervous about putting something new in my body. But I’m going to do it. 

Diane did it. She was scared about gaining weight. And she did it anyway. And you know what? Nobody, I mean nobody, mentioned her weight gain on the show. She was still Diane. 

Diane’s my favorite. In so many ways I see myself in her struggle. I want to write something profound and great, but how do I access the trauma?! But it’s okay if I don’t. I’ll write what I write and find solace in that. 

Thank you, Diane Nguyen, for helping me get my shit together. <3 

[scentedbluebirdkid]

“Through my own carelessness and misfortune, the world has retreated from me, and so now it makes perfect sense that I should retreat from the world.” - The Midnight Library

I started The Midnight Library by Matt Haig today. It’s a new book club pick. It’s very indie, realistic, I sense some sci-fi too. Reminds me of The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom. 

I did some work this morning. Wrote about 1300 words, all of which were pretty nonsensical. My brain was buzzing too much for me to focus so I just went to lay in bed. I’ve been in bed for probably 6, 7 hours now? 

Just feeling sad today, like I was yesterday. I watched Time’s Arrow, one of the most impactful episodes of BoJack Horseman, last night, which sent me into tears. But I was sad before that too. I just don’t feel like I have anyone. I came up with a way to describe it last night: I feel like I’m so empty but also overfilling at the same time. 

Like I’ve got nothing left inside of me to give. Nothing good, nothing productive. No friendship, no ability to create connections anymore. But at the same time, I’m so overwhelmed with my emotions that I spend hours in bed just so miserable and wondering why anybody talks to me at all.

Similarly I wonder why my boyfriend even sticks around. Lol, last night he said to me that our relationship was “great.” I nearly laughed out loud. It’s not bad at all. He’s very sweet and nice to me. We have tons of fun together. We enjoy the same movies, music, sense of humor. We are good housemates. But I don’t feel emotionally met. And I know it’s because I expect so much. The way he works is that he needs alone time. We both work from home all day and so when the day’s over, he unwinds by chatting with friends or going to play a game. I don’t have a way to unwind. I just sit in my bed and stare at the TV, watching The Office for the 93483983th time. 

He hasn’t the slightest goddamn idea how I’m feeling, but I won’t even bother telling him because it’s all been said before, thousands of times. I don’t know why I bother trying anymore. You can’t change people.

But then part of me doesn’t think we’re doomed. I know much of the issue is because of my anxiety and depression. It’s because of the media I’m constantly consuming. I’m always comparing my life to others. Jim from The Office does CYZ for Pam, a crazy romantic generous gesture, and then I think, “Why doesn’t my boyfriend do that for me?” But look, life isn’t a movie or TV show, and I have to remind myself that. 

I need to get my mental health back. I have so many highs and lows. My lows always come around the same time Aunt Flo visits, so I know it’s likely hormonal too. (Same story with my acne.) I am literally overrun with my out of control sad emotions. I will probably be fine in a few days and then I have next month to look forward to.