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Just try to be the best version of yourself and learn random shit here and there. I want to live a life where I can help people along the way without becoming static. Be the best inner hippy/witch/bohemian/boujie type of woman that I know is inside you. Be fearless and brave, and walk in confidence. Be the strong woman I know you are. ❤️

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Very grateful for Bob's help. I went from a complete breakdown, literally being bed ridden, to walking, doing housework, cooking, meditating. What changed you ask? I hit my bottom, my grief was so stacked, it was drowning me. I lost my mom at age 8 and all 3 of my siblings over the past 22 years, all due to suicide. I lost my dad at age 5 due to natural causes. The way I'd dealt with it all was to bottle everything up, push it down as far as I could, and put on the many masks I was forced to wear to get by in this world. Each suicide took a piece of me until there were hardly any left. It felt like that resiliency was gone, I wasn't bouncing back at all.

For two years I gave up. I would stay in bed only to eat or go to relieve myself. I played mindless games on Facebook, you know those match 3 games? It's how I survived, but I felt so useless, so disgusted with myself because 1. I didn't have the energy and 2. I was so emotionally paralyzed from all the unprocessed grief that I physically could not make myself do anything else.

Then my daughter told me something that lit the tiniest of flames in me. She said that I was not doing nothing when I was playing those games, that winning those games was helping me to get through the day, that I was doing as much as I could.

Here's something interesting :

Depression Is The Disease, Video Games Might Be The Cure

Frankie WallaceBy Frankie Wallace Last updated Jul 24, 2019

"Today, over 26% of adults in the United States suffer from depression. It seems that this statistic will only get worse in the future, with depression projected to be the second biggest cause of disability by 2020. Naturally, many people are left looking for ways to cope with this often debilitating condition.

Can video games help people with depression? While there are negative stereotypes associated with video games — that people spend hours playing in order to avoid real life — studies have shown that gaming can be a powerful treatment for depression for people of all ages.

The Opposite of Play

Psychologist Brian Sutton-Smith found that people are more confident, energetic and emotionally positive when they play, and he felt that the opposite of play isn’t work, as most people might assume, but depression. The symptoms of depression are in contrast to those of play, and people who feel depressed lack physical energy, find it difficult to carry out daily tasks, and are generally pessimistic. Fortunately, Sutton-Smith’s findings are in line with what other scientific studies have found: video gamers experience neurological benefits from playing.

This is Your Brain on Video Games

When a person plays a video game, two parts of their brain are in a constant state of stimulation. The first is the part of the brain that processes goals and motivation, also called reward pathways. The other is the hippocampus, which is the part of the brain responsible for memory and learning.

If you’ve ever played a video game before, this may be intuitive. When playing, you focus on a specific goal and are motivated to take the steps required to reach that goal, whether that be to solve a puzzle, battle bad guys, or find hidden treasure. The closer you get to the goal, the more the brain’s reward pathways are activated. When a person is depressed, those two parts of the brain shrink. Gaming can help stimulate those parts of the brain, keeping them active and healthy."

I got to the point where I started envisioning myself doing a particular chore, such as cleaning the toilet or sweeping the floor. Sometimes it took a week before I could physically do it.

One day it finally hit me, that I could surrender to the grief and off myself, or I could fight for my life. I could not and would not, allow my husband and daughter to suffer like I'd had.

I joined some sibling loss groups on Facebook, but I felt a separation because I had lost everyone, and no one else could relate. I did get a lot out of the raw pain shared by others though, and one day the truth of what I'd lost hit me full on. For years I had gone without a family, I was cheated out of a sense of belonging. I had been the baby, but what was I now? There was no one to share all the memories with, no one to turn to for advice. The enormity of it all was so shocking to me. I'd always tried to downplay it all, I'd say things like, "oh well, shit happens," like it was something so minor. Now I realize how deep in denial I really was. When I had to face the hard, cold facts, it was earth shattering. I had moments where I'd sob for 2 hours straight, thinking about each family member, thinking of funny or sad things we'd shared, missing them so keenly, wondering where they were and if they were at peace.

This went on for pretty much a year.

This is what grieving looks like. It's dark, so bleak, and and so scary, it takes courage to stop and turn, and face the raw hurt straight on, but you have to. You have to face it and grieve for everything you lost when someone you love dies. You have to let the ugliness of it all out. Yell, cry, swear, let that rage out. They are gone forever, they're not coming back. That's the scariest and most heartbreaking of all, that they are just gone, wiped from this earth.

. I was also struggling with agoraphobia, and as luck would have it, we bought a travel trailer and had it towed to the RV park where my sister-in-law had hers. Now I was still playing my games on my iPad, but I was able to keep the dishes done up. I was still eating easy to cook packaged meals, but I could keep the dishes clean.

That second summer, I stayed at the campground all summer long. I started cooking things from scratch, easy things like soups, fried rice, and meat and potatoes. Nothing fancy but I was cooking!

The third summer was when I started talking to Bob, I'd stumbled across one of his videos and the rest is history.

When I would talk to Bob over the phone, I talked about them, my mom and my siblings. I shared those memories that I couldn't share with anyone else. For me, Bob became my grief eater. I could dump it all out on him, and he heard it. Someone was listening to my pain, my sorrow, my anger. Surprisingly, it only took about a month. It seemed that whenever I talked about them, I was actually purging myself. After a few weeks, I noticed it was getting easier to get up and do something I had started reading books he'd suggested, and a passion I didn't realize I had woke up in me. I loved to cook and bake. I would just watch my hands go through the motions of chopping or stirring and it became very relaxing. I was delighted when my hubby would take a bite, close his eyes, then look at me with amazement. Then I started cooking more for my in laws, and that was even better! I was really good at it!

I had found a Chihuahua puppy the previous winter, and she naturally fetched so I started throwing a ball outside, in the field right outside my trailer, so I felt safe. I started walking with my 2 dogs, a terrier x schnauzer and my energetic Chihuahua.

This week I surprised myself by being able to go on half hour walks, then the one morning, I decided to vacuum. It wasn't hard to do, I realized how small a job it was. Every morning for the past week, I'm 3 days in, I've been able to make breakfast, do the dishes, and vacuum! I haven't done that all together in years!

So don't give up. Those tiniest of things you're doing, aren't as tiny as you think.

Sorry for the novel, but I hope it can help someone else thru the process ❤️

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try and say it with him ❤️

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Hey. Do something to treat yourself well today. 

Get a coffee. Eat a cookie. Wear a comfy shirt. Wash your face. Brush your hair. Stretch your back and shoulders. If you can’t find the energy to do any of those, just close your eyes and take a deep breath with your stomach. Hold it for four seconds. Exhale slowly. It’s going to be okay.

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*hug* Take care of yourselves, okay? Get some rest. Drink some water. Eat a little something. Take your meds. Take a good, deep breath. Keep your needs in mind.

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Sometimes it rains, sometimes it pours, but sometimes - and this is important - the sun comes out and you remember. You remember why you get up each day and try again. You remember why you keep fighting. Please hold on - for those moments in the sun - please hold on.

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How Grief has changed me

im just rambling...

It seems like a million years ago, the old me, before I was crushed by grief, could get ready to go out by showering, doing my hair, doing my makeup, getting dressed...it was just part of the process.

Now, I have to plan everything out in steps. So today we got invited out to supper. I had a shower at noon, let my hair air dry and then swept it back in a clip. There, hair done. No makeup, no energy or motivation to put anything on, so going au natural.

Outfit chosen, pretty much consisting of a bedazzled shirt and black jeggings and laid out on the bed.

I wear dentures, so brushed them, dried them, put the glue in and set in my mouth.

Now playing games on FB, getting dressed in 15 mins.

Psyching myself up to going out, my husband 6’2 with me, so I know I’m protected. I’m 4’11”

I used to be able to do this all in fell swoop.

This is one way grief has changed me.

What about you guys? How has grief changed you?

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So I talked my 30-year-old daughter through some suicidal urges this morning. I stayed on the phone while she waited for her bus. My heart was aching that I couldn’t be there in person. She is currently at the hospital, waiting for a doctor. Her name is Laura. Prayers please thank you

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So true

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My sister wrote this for me, 2 years before she suicided.

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