schizochasm

[schizochasm]

I've walked 11.3k steps today.

I went to the gas station twice. (Once at like 2am)

And my friend wanted to go get ice cream, so I went with them to town.

No wonder my feet are killing me.

At least extra steps are always good ig.

[schizochasm]

Tw; w3ight talk

Did the calc for my ugw as it stands rn. (I might move it if Im not happy yet. But I do have a stopping w3ight too that won't move.)

So to get to my goal w3ight I need to lose another 11.5kg.

If I'm left to my own ways it'll take at most 23 days.

Most likely faster than that.

3 weeks.

That's nothing.

Ive f4sted for 3 weeks before. I can do it again.

That's assuming I can go that low before looking too th1n.

I can do that.

I've lost much more already.

It'll hopefully not take too long.

But I'm used to it being a long term thing.

All I can do is f4st and get my steps in and wait.

I will have to eat on Sunday with the fam on dad's side.

But other than that I hope I can f4st in peace.

11.5kg...

That won't take too long...

That's doable...

And I'll hit goals on the way.

I have goals before then.

So I'll have little motivators and milestones along the way.

It's so close.

I'm so close.

If I can do this, I can do Anything.

[schizochasm]

My friend wanted to meet up just for a ciggie.

And they were going to the local kiosk cause they forgot their drink. So I went with them.

They had monster. And we checked the tiny store next to it for milk, but they only had 3%.

I accepted the last of their chocolate when they left, so I think all suspicion should be cleared pretty much.

So I took the little detour to the gas station on my way back.

And I saw this absolutely Tiny woman in front of me in line.

I swear she must legit have a smaller frame/ bone structure than most people.

Cause she was Tiny.

And she didn't look sick/ too th1n somehow. Even though she was So Small. I swear. I don't think I can even Get that small. My Bones are wider than that!

Nothing like irl people to trigger you I swear.

I Need to be that tiny, but for my frame.

I need people to look at me and Notice how small I am.

God damn.

[schizochasm]

I gotta go to the gas station again to get milk and monster.

No idea when we're going to the store and I am out of milk.

Can't wait to walk in this heat again!

[schizochasm]

So I got fd up fr as punishment for eating when I went to bed.

It's been ages since it was like that.

I'm not used to that type of punishment.

I passed out at some point. I assume my mind was just done and couldn't be kept awake anymore.

And it really got to me. As was the purpose ig.

It's stuck in my head.

Let's just say it won't be happening again.

Idk why I thought it was a good idea to go against him.

Before starting, but a bit after making it clear what was in store I asked him why he didn't just tell me not to, or stop me. he literally told me "It's more fun to punish you than to stop you, you know."

So yeah...

I always end up regretting it.

But I literally needed that with my health concerns.

He made it clear health concerns don't matter.

Idk...

Moving on feels weird.

But it's what I have to do.

Life moves on.

[schizochasm]

I maintained.

I'll take it.

Since I ate, maintaining is fine.

[schizochasm]

I'm so tired.

I wanna sleep.

But facing going to bed is just so hard.

I don't wanna deal with the shit thats gonna happen.

At least I'm no longer psychotic.

I was proper psychotic for a while.

And now I'm just so tired.

And my body hurts.

God I wish I could just go to bed like a normal person.

I have no idea what to do while I stay up.

I'm too tired to want to do anything.

Guess I'll watch YouTube and idk...

I can't even be bothered with my idle game rn.

I'll figure something out.

Maybe make paper stars again...

Haven't done that in ages...

[schizochasm]

Okay so I'm not used to my new low tolerance for eating.

When I go get shit to eat, I still get as much as I used to eat at once. And the same types of things.

But I can't stomach nearly as much anymore. And "heavy" foods in texture don't go down anymore.

I literally can't get myself to eat more of what I got, and I'm not even halfway.

And the mud cake? Just too heavy.

Gonna have to get ice cream for it on Saturday or something.

My brain is like, "yes we like the chips and Cheetos. Good texture. Eat more."

But my physical body can't.

It's too much stuff.

1st world problems.

My stomach isn't used to eating. And it's clearly shrunk some.

I need to remember this next time I get stuff.

I did get 2 monsters and that's been awesome.

And I feel less sick now.

I almost threw up on my way home. No joke.

Hopefully this keeps the nausea away and makes my body more able to survive all the f4sting.

I'll store the 3/4ths of my stuff somewhere in case I need it some other time ig.

[schizochasm]

Had to eat a chocolate bar on my way home. I was super nauseous and quite dizzy.

Back home and sweating bullets just from that short walk.

And I have chest pain! Wooooo!

That's totally not concerning!

Tbf I haven't eaten in a bit over 5 days.

And everytime I have in the past maybe month by now, it's been 1 thing, and the back to f4sting.

So it makes sense that I'm falling apart a little physically.

I made the right choice getting things to eat.

I think this is needed.

I actually think I need this for my body to survive this shit.

Gonna eat a whole ton of shit now. Lmao

I already feel bad about it. Yeeeeeey!

I literally need this to Survive.

Can my 3d give me a damn break...

[schizochasm]

I wish I didn't have to walk to go to the gas station.

I'm gonna drink a lot of water before I go.

Cause I'm nauseous.

I think I'll allow myself to get something to eat.

Both for the nausea and just cause I need to self soothe rn.

I can't even listen to music cause it makes the nausea worse.

So ig I'll find a good background video.

I do need to eat something when my symptoms are getting this bad.

C ya on the other side.

[schizochasm]

I've finally regained composure.

Im still anxious and uptight.

I'm still quite paranoid in that I don't feel safe. So going to the gas station will be challenging still.

And I'm obv not in a great place mentally.

Typing this feels unreal too.

Like...

I'm so dissociated.

It doesn't quite feel real.

Yeah...

I've regained composure, but still a bit out of it and derealization is still a thing.

But I'm not freaking about it anymore.

I think I'm very on the edge of psychotic rn.

Time to have a ciggie after I give my boi some love.

And then it's off to the gas station at 1:30am.

Hopefully I can handle the persecutory delusions well with just music.

[schizochasm]

Smoking and watching asmr to fight my own mind.

God I wish I could just go to bed.

But for now I'll settle on not losing touch with reality.

Once I calm down just a little I'll go to the gas station.

I won't let this stupid disorder keep me from what I planned and getting my now even more important monster/ dopamine.

[schizochasm]

Me earlier "You know I'm not " in psychosis. ""

Me rn:

Ooooh I'm slipping.

Ooooh I'm losing it for real.

Jeeeesus.

One things all it takes.

Kne little tiny thing.

Fuck.

I'm sweating, I feel like I'm about to start shaking.

And my mind is going.

Lord in heaven have mercy upon my soul.

Fuck.

Ooooh were slipping preeeeetty fast.

Welp

Time to wish I was dead for a while!

Fuck

Maybe if I try I won't completely lose my mind.

Maybe.

Idc

I'm going to the fucking gas station while psychotic.

Idgaf

I made a plan and I Will not change it for this bs.

Catch me blasting music and acting like I'm not actively losing my miiiiind

I hate other people.

People are the worst.

[schizochasm]

Kill me!

Actually kill me.

Right here.

Right now.

I wish to end this horrid life.

Fuck.

I scrolled for you for a sec cause waiting to leave for the gas station.

And some fucker posted "this whole month has felt like being sa'd." Except you know... With The word.

I don't wanna live like this anymore.

Fuck.

And he's already happy about it.

Fml

End me.

I hate my life.

[schizochasm]

I'm waiting til it's past midnight to leave for the gas station.

Just so all the steps count for tomorrow. Lmao

I'm getting monster. I think it'll do me a lot of good. Cause I'm exhausted mentally and physically but can't face going to bed. For obv reasons atp.

I need dopamine. And I need caffeine.

4 min to go.

I really want to sleep, but yeah...

Gotta get so tired I'll pass out right away.

[schizochasm]

I'm so fucked up.

Whenever I smell good food I feel satisfied.

Like the aroma is enough taste to make me feel good.

I'm just walking down the hall or the street tasting the air. And that feels satisfying. Like eating should.

Yeah.

We're back to that level again.

[schizochasm]

Aaaaaaaa

Time for my 3rd ciggie since waking up again.

It's all I can think to do.

Fuck.

I can't get my shit together.

I hate my life.

I hate him.

And I hate my stupid ass brain for making these things.

End meeeeeeeee