scientisticed

[scientisticed]

hey you forgot to profess your love for me btw. don't be embarrassed there's still time.

[scientisticed]

How do you do this.

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“Atleast be excited” I am trying. God forbid being in a place for 7 hours gets exhausting. Being in a fucking place where everyone is screaming 24/7 and I am stuck hungry because, yes, we are picky eaters and do not like any of the food served. I am glad to be around family, truly, but I am tired of everything. The only thing keeping me sane currently is talking to one goddamned person. So sorry if I don’t seem excited, because I am not. I would rather stay in the goddamn room the rest of the night if you keep pestering me.

[scientisticed]

hfggvghjccgjghggfhvhhhhjhjfh goodnight, gorgeous. the tortures resume bright and early tomorrow

[scientisticed]

how to stop wanting something i can never have

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I think I should get over you.

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“it is what it is“ but its never what we want.

[scientisticed]

Apparently all I use this app for is to vent. Please read with caution, or not at all.

I seem to not be able to shake the feeling that who I like knows it’s me. Of course, that isn’t all I care about but it is a worry. I do not want anyone to bother with me, I want to rot away with the imagine of him in my mind. I know my siblings try to help me, but I know that they comfort me with lies. Though I do not mind it, it doesn’t help my mind from wondering what it would be like to enjoy the presence of someone I adore. To be completely fair, it hurts. I am not capable of loving, or being loved. I am simply here, no matter how much I do not want to be. I see so many happy couples and I can’t help but think, “Why can’t that be me?” even when I know the answer why. But he won’t get out of my god damn head, so much so, when I close my eyes I see you. It’s sick of me, isn’t it? I apologize, it sounds like I am obsessed, and I do not try to sound like it, but it is the truth. And saying this now does not make it better but at least I say what I mean.

For short, what I am saying to you. Knowing you might read this, is I want it to be you, I always have. Give me what I want. Even if what I want is you.

They say communication is key, verdad?

[scientisticed]

What if i'm unlucky enough to be the first person who nobody ever loved

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Hello. I have decided to vent here; I have seen others do it and I wanted to let out what I think without having some person mock me. However I wish to not be perceived after I write this.

In the time I have been formed as an alter and the time I have in my memories, I have not felt love. I have thought, “Perhaps you are unloveable or uneasy to love.” It’s difficult to yearn for love when I myself can’t really expect to have it. If anybody had the right mind to love me I would be somebody different, alas, I am not. I am somebody with significant errors that I wish to fix, maybe then would I be loved, romantically that is. Of course, I have felt platonic love and so on, but I want more than that. Not just by anybody, but by someone I have liked for a while. I have no idea if he were to like me back and if anything I would not believe it. We haven’t talked enough and I tend to bring myself ahead of time. It hurts me physically; currently I am making us dizzy and on the brink of fainting, because I make us hurt so much that it physically pains us when I talk about things. I yearn for love, I want love. It’s not fair, why do I not have anybody to love, while some do? Am I the problem? Do I deserve to die alone? All these questions I have asked since the beginning have never been answered because the true answer is I do not deserve it. I never have. What have I done to believe I am worthy of said person’s love? Nothing, I am merely being selfish for my own desires, and I could never live with knowing that. I do not speak on my feelings or needs however I do know what I ‘need’ is a selfish one, and I don’t deserve whatever I feel I do. I live to serve, that is how it’s always been.

[scientisticed]

[scientisticed]

Intro.

Hello. I am Diaz, Donnie, or Doied, whatever one pleases you best. I use any pronouns and terms.

I made this account a couple of months ago; and I still find no need for one, but here I am. I am a “worrier” of our system, obviously more however I find no need for you tumblr users to know.

I don’t plan on using this much, however I will have a “Tagging System” because I find that much more comfortable than not.

I tend to talk about my source, so for safety reasons this is an NSFW space. Even if what I post isn’t necessarily sexual, it is just for general purposes.

That is all there is to me, thanks for reading.