scooberdiver
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anyway crazy how we take the risk of mentioning our whole deal like. once. offhandedly. and then it turned into an interrogation about it and then a stupid fucking "oohooho I know about your disorder because I read about it on tumblr sometimes so i get to say inside jokes to you now even though i know fucking nothing about your situation hehehaha" conversation. and now. this. respectfully shut the FUCK up.
#we grew uo wirh a younger brother who mimicked literallt everything we ever did we KNOW what that looks like#newsflash asshole youre not quirky and cute youre fucking annoying and miserable to be around.#but nooooo cam thats meaaaan you cant sayyyy that I DONT CARE. weve dealt wirh Enough BULLSHIT in our lives im.fucking DONE#we're in a safe enough place right now where we shouldnt have to put up with shit like this anymore. you are a TAR PIT of a person. ugh#haha weve had two conversations im going to use tumblr system terminology to talk about you now#because of course im allowed to do that wink wink nudge nudge SHUT THE FUCK UP . god.#go see a fucking therapist its not my job to put up with this. pay me 1 million dollars. fuck you.#🪞
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#if this becomes a Haha Fun Silly Groupchat Conversation im fucking leaving i DONT CARE. im not doing that shit .#jesus fucking christ sometimes talking to macs friends makes me wajt to tear my hair out. i need my own friends so bad#🪞#whatever. we have work friend hangouts this weekend. for real this time.#i need everyone to shut the fuck up forever . become an individual stop attaching yourself to us like a fucking LEECH . UGH.#god i FUCKING hate it here
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only foods that have any worth to me: buttered noodles + mozzarella cheese . frozen raspberries.
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re: fluctuating feelings in relationships , for moments where evryone not in here *taps head* feels like a stranger , i 've decided to just treat people i know i 'm supposed to know like friends of a friend , which is what they essentially are . i may not know you but we both know the same guy so i 'll make conversation with you while being friendly , why not ! and you don 't know me but you know a different me , and that 's enough to be chill together i hope
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the problem.with trying to osdd assign characters is that i have such an awful aversion.to all of the terminology that comes with talking about this shit so it's impossible to talk about anything without making direct comparison to my own situation and exposing WAY too much information I don't want certain people to have. I BARELY tolerate the word system. someone said the word singlet to me a couple months ago and I felt physically sick. like actually got goosebumps. it sucks and it's bad and I don't want to use it. like ever. and I KNOW that's a me issue but it's not one I feel like fixing right now. hence why i never talk about any of this. it's all bad . it's all uncomfortable.
#im not having fun with friends in my mind .#gill had to force me out of the bathtub two nights ago so i didnt fucking drown myself by accident !!! its not like.#aha funny blorbos in my brain. its sucks.#the closest we got to that was like. cam started out as an imaginary friend. which like.#i dont even know how accurate That is. like. fuckin. idk. its not like.#loke theres a solid. two people.in the whole. worlld who i would eben feel VAGUELY comfortable discussing this with#and if anyone outside of those people tried to make aha silly funny joke. about any of it#i think i would start killing !!!!!!!#do you think i dont know the irony of like. my longest existing alter being what started out as an “evil version of me”#im self aware of that enough and weve worked throigh enough of our issues now thag its not like. a problem for us anymore#but if like. anyone who didnt have the Context of that enough to understand it even thought about remarking on it. fuck you fuck you fuck y#like thats. ruin friendships type material.#whatever im just making up scenarios to be mad about now.#👻#its FINE. that stuff can be reserved for. this blog snd maybe dms with trusted friends. whatever
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I just! it's like ! guy in your head who scares you who does things you wouldn't normally do and you hate it !!!! and you want to control him so bad without talking to him and it's kind of sucks so much for both of you!!!!! he's trying to help you!!!! yeah maybe thats like. a sick and twisted way of trying to help bit like. he's not like! evil! I don't fucking know. impossible to talk about this shit without exposing way too much about myself and I am NOT doing that where certain people could read it
#👻#WHATEVER. WHATEVER. im done talking about this. im judt feeling so many things about it.#i need to make a post about superfun before i do this.#which im never going to do . so itll never happen. ughhhhhghghghvhhhhvhhhghvhghvhghghghhhh.#the pain of being misunderstood.#im going to bite somethign i think
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y.ugioh is a DANGEROUS SHOW
#yeah rhat guy has a guy in his brain big time -_-#👻#pain and suffering. it feels like a disservice to want to write an essay abt ygobefore i write one about dp. however. theres so much thsre#and im barely like. 1/16 of the way into the show. im not even DONE WITH THE FIRST ARC YET#its just . like. god hes just sooooooo. idealogically similar to how cam used tto be its insaaaane to me.#yeah u mesn theres a guy in your head that only comes out when youre in extreme danger most of the time from Being Bullied . yeah ok.#what the fuxk ever man.. i feel like that landlord poem. the painted over star on the ceiling is right there. why do i need to write it
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yknow what fuckin sucks the MOST about this whole deal. mac will brute force being absolutely miserable the entire time something is going on. and then AS SOON as it's over one of us is pushed in to deal with the low energy/low motivation/mood swings etc etc. like way to avoid your consequences like a champ man
#this is such a recurring theme. like. i thiuhht the point of us beinf a system is like. idk. sharing the burden of whateverrs going in#(<< gill rubbing off on me. ew.)#and im not SAYING i want to be the one dealing with feeling like garbage in the moment.#bc god knows id be too mean about it for anyones comfort#but at the same time like. itd be nice to have some context for why im suddenly here and our body feels like its fucking falling apart#its like you can measure our bad weeks by how much we post on here. lmao.#its always like..month of silence. zac complaining about fronting at work. three weeks of silence. gillion having a panic attack.#2 months of silence. fuckin. me i guess#its just really kind of funny.#🪞
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It's just me, myself, and i. Three completely different people.
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I think I need to get like super into tarot reading. I think that would be good for us
#🪞#got like. a huge wave of emotion thinking abt it earlier. idk where it came from#mac and i both like. dabbled in tumblr witch stuff when we were. going through it.#i think theres still a “”“potion”“” buried in the backyard from when grampa was in the hospital. lmao.#etched a fuckin. anti spider ward in the bedroom door. and u know what? havent seen a spider in that room since .#i gotta. get back into that i think . just to have something to do#i dont think i actually Really believe any of it#like. we're too science brained for that. but at the same time. idk. i think it would feel good#we're paralyzed by indecision tok much i think tarot readings would be good. for me at least . idk abt anyone else.#one of macs work friends has a gorgeous deck and when we got. fucked up to play dnd a couple weekends ago#she did readinfs for all of us on the porch and like. idk. something abt it feels significant#i know its probablt just like. zodiacs in that theyre vague enough to be able to apply to anything. but also. idk. u know?#whatever. theres a couple weird spiritual stores ive got pinned on gmaps . maybe next time ive got proper front after work ill go. idk.#there was suuuuch a good one in indy. i thinkabt that one a lot. also a good one in richmond when we visited a couple summers ago.#like. i Dont believe in it much. but i can appreciate the aesthetic#god. am i gonna be a fuckin. witchgirl. is that gonna be me. idk if im ready for that to be me.#but at the same time like its kind of fitting i guess
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Being an evil doppelganger has to be so fucked up like imagine meeting a better version of yourself. Some chain of events going differently that led to "you" being a better person in a way you can never achieve. Personally I'd have no other option but to try and kill them
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shirt idea who would buy
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