scorchedlife-blog

[scorchedlife-blog]

What's up with all of these trucks?

That's the first thing a friend asked me the first time she came south. I bit my tongue and didn't answer. But... Everytime I leave my comfortable trailer home to venture into town trucks are everywhere. Not normal trucks, but huge trucks! There's trucks with nicknames like, 'Bottom Clawer' that look like they're out to destroy a truckstop in a shitty Stephen King movie. There's trucks with memorials to dead relatives splattered across the back. There's trucks with testicles hanging off rear bumpers. Just looking aggressive isn't enough, though! They sound like angry bears wrestling for sweet honey-dripping bear poon in a Yellowstone bar brawl when they crank up. Giant smoke stacks shoot out black poison. - I don't mind that last one so much. The quicker it's over with the better! Cmon, fellows! We all get it. You have small penises and are having to make up for it somehow. Your guns, boots & Natty Lights just aren't screaming loud enough that your pecker couldn't satisfy a house fly in heat. So, you take that extra step and blow all of your hard earned money on a big dick-rig and drive that thing around a Wal-Mart parking lot like your Patrick Swayze. But, no matter how high of lift kit you put on that thing, no matter how big of tires or how loud the pipes are, you're still gonna be a bit on the wee size in the parts department. I'm not telling you to sell it and get a mini-van to drive. Oh no! I'm just telling you it's ok to just admit your short-comings and cry on somebody's shoulder about it.....Just not mine.

[scorchedlife-blog]

The Pissy South

  I've had the good fortune to travel a lot. - I've been everywhere, man! - Everywhere I've went I've carried my accent and Crimson Tide t-shirts along with me, both of which strike up conversations regularly. One of the few positive sterotypes about Southerners is that we're friendly & nice. The problem is it's BS. Sure! Southernerners are friendly and polite, but only in the most superficial of terms. The real underlying emotion that fuels the Southern Mind is RAGE! Throw in spices like distrust, suspicion, hate & paranoia and you're starting to get a taste of the gumbo that folks survive on in these parts. It's not just directed at outsiders, agitators & minorities either, but even at each other. The religion, manners & common courtesies of the place hide a dark, seething underbelly of jealously and anger at one's family, friends, neighbors, church members and any other folks in the vicinity. Growing up in the Heart of Dixie some of my first memories are of listening to the constant whispers and gossip that infested every social gathering. The women would be talking about everything from who was a slut to who didn't clean their house enough. The men were more generalized in their topics, typically trying to stick to conversations about hunting, fishing and football before going off on random angry diatribes about 'ni@@ers' and 'liberals'. As a kid I thought this was normal. As kids tend to do, I learned to emulate and recite certain opinions and catch-alls looking for the approval of the adults around me. But, as I got older and found out everybody everywhere wasn't this pissed off I started to ponder, "Why is everybody here so pissed off?" I've been trying to answer that question throughout my entire adult life. Here's my best guesses: * Because life here is boring. There's so little to do. Until this year you couldn't even buy a beer in my town on a Sunday. Bars and clubs, the social centers in most parts of the country, are either banned from existence or don't open up until 7pm or later. The height of socializing occurs at church, Wal-Mart or in some farmer's field. * Because of the religious fervor. I'm agnostic, and not some militant atheist looking to rid the world of the evil of religions. I find those folks to be annoying as well. But, the religiosity shit here is ridiculous. It permeates everything to the point of being suffocating. Every corner has a church and in most of those churches the version of Christianity being pimped is anger-fueled fire and brimstone. It's not hopeful or uplifting. It reflects less the message of Jesus Christ and more the message of a deranged lunatic standing on a corner in Time's Square declaring God is about to destroy the world. One of the first interviews I was called in for after resigning from my last job was with this tall, goofy looking guy with glasses wearing a suit from Sears. Before ever getting to my credentials or experience he asked me 3 times, 3 different ways what I did on Sundays. I kept answering 'watch football and spend time with my family'. He kept asking. He was looking for one answer, I knew it and refused to give it to him. - He wanted to hear me say I went to church. - After the third time he asked I got up and walked out. * Because most folks here are broke. The South is poor, really poor. The median income in my town is $20,000 per year. About the only way to get rich here is to inherit money or steal it. There's no such thing as upward mobility. There's no social safety net, programs to help people better themselves are almost non-existent, nor unions to fight for better wages and the education system is a joke. Being poor and watching the haves while being the have-nots is infuriating and frustrating, but here the anger doesn't get directed at the powerful, but instead the powerless. The 'others' are always screwing you over! * Because most people here are powerless. The south, even up until modern times, is feudalist in its make-up. A select few well established families and businesses reign supreme. That leaves everybody else out in the cold, or in this case the blazing hot summer heat. When you can't influence the world around you, it starts to piss you off! To conclude, I was born and raised here in Alabama. Most everybody I love and care about are from here. But, it's long past time we do some introspection and examine ourselves. We've been so busy being angry that we've lost track of what we should be angry about. It is ruining us and leaving generation after generation in poverty & ignorance.