scottgalina

[scottgalina]

Every Kellyoke So Far, Ranked

My morning routine at work has become thus: First, I enjoy the greatest iced coffee with skim milk and sugar that New York City has to offer, courtesy of Bashir on the northwest corner of 43rd and Broadway. Second, I do whatever work things I have to do that are none of your business (unless you’re someone I work with in which case I prioritize your things). Third--and at this point it’s around 10:45a/11:00a--I open YouTube and click my first recommended video and laugh. You see, every weekday morning, without fail, in the top left corner of my YouTube homepage is the day’s Kellyoke. If for some reason you’re reading this and don’t know what Kellyoke is, allow me to educate you. Kellyoke is the way Kelly Clarkson opens every episode of The Kelly Clarkson Show. But more than that, it is, quite simply, a way of life.

Born from Kelly’s extensive history of #KCRequests on tour (fans request songs on Twitter, she covers them) Kellyokes are approximately two minute covers of popular songs--usually a verse, chorus, bridge, culminating with Kelly simply vocalizing at the end. This is where I laugh. I laugh because not since Jessie J was on that Chinese reality show has there been such a consistent stream of covers sung so exquisitely and captured with such perfect audio.

And I laugh because Kelly Clarkson’s voice is not to be believed. I know everyone “knows” what a good singer she is, but I’m not sure that people have fully come around to the cold, hard fact that she’s one of the greatest vocalists of all time. Certainly that she’s the greatest singer of her generation. 

Each Kellyoke begins with a “Woo!” or “How y’all doing?” or some other burst of excitement from our fearless leader. Then she launches into the cover of the day. Sometimes (mostly upbeat songs) she’ll travel through the audience, traversing down and up stairs and dancing through the rows. Other times she stays stationary at a mic stand either by her band, or somewhere else in the studio surrounded by fans. (This super informative, though nowhere near long enough (nothing could be, really), Vulture piece sheds a little more light onto what goes into these decisions.) Most end with Kelly at “home base” in front of the couches she interviews guests on, which is captured by a weird camera that seems like it’s a GoPro and is stationary so never has her perfectly framed, and always seems lower quality than the other cameras. Kelly concludes each song with another “Woo!” or “Hey!” and always gestures to her band, usually accompanied by her saying “Give it up for my band, y’all!” She’s a class act! (If you’re used to watching Kellyokes on YouTube, then you’re used to them immediately being followed by the official Kelly Clarkson Show bumper which begins with Kelly saying “I will not stop talking.” I learned how to use GarageBand so I could edit that out from the mp3s I make of each Kellyoke. It’s a sad life, what can I say!)

As God decided was my duty (I was bored and, again, sad life!), I recently rewatched all of the Kellyokes that have aired to this date (I mean, you can imagine, it wasn't a hardship.) and below have “ranked” them. But I use the term very loosely. Because how can you rank perfection? Even the “worst” (and I use it even looser this time) Kellyoke is still at least a minute and a half of KELLY CLARKSON SINGING. Which is better than anything else on the planet. It’s better than mango even. So please take the “ranking” aspect lightly.

A brief housekeeping note: I have omitted both the first Kellyoke, “9 to 5”, because it was the first and there was a pre-taped component to it, and the medley of her own songs she performed on November 1st, because I wanted the list to only be covers. “Can’t Stop the Feeling” was performed on November 6th but seems to have been scrubbed from the internet. I remember it being perfectly fine, but didn’t include it because I can’t prove it. I’ve also not counted the November 21st “Neon Moon” cover because it was performed with Gwen Stefani, Blake Shelton, and John Legend, and November 25th’s “Ain’t Going Down (Til the Sun Comes Up)” because it was a duet with Garth Brooks. This is about KELLY and KELLY ONLY.

With all that out of the way, please find every Kellyoke so far ranked.

53. Express Yourself - 9/20/19 Okay, this one is really scary. On paper all the pieces are there: Kelly Clarkson, looking amazing, singing one of Madonna’s most famous songs, working her way through her audience. The catch is that the audience in this instance has been replaced by soulless facsimiles of human beings that seem to have been directed to tune out the music they can hear and instead focus on a song in their head (keeping what it is to themselves) and engage with Kelly as though that’s what she’s singing. It’s horrifying to watch as no one sings along with her and everyone claps to a different beat. Even when she gets to two seemingly gay men, they don’t sing along! Were they told not to? It’s almost like when you watch a party scene in a movie or TV show and you know they either played elevator music or were dancing in complete silence because they didn’t know what song they were going to dub it in later. This is a good excuse to make something the worst and not have it be Kelly’s fault, because she’s perfect.

A quick note on the audiences of The Kelly Clarkson Show before we go any further. It’s unclear what they’re told before each taping. A lot of times it seems as though they’re instructed to clap any which way but on the beat. Almost like the warm-up person says to everyone “Forget anything you’ve heard or instinctively felt about clapping!” It’s very strange. It’s also very strange to watch the way they interact with Kelly Clarkson who is singing sometimes inches from their faces. I know you can’t judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes, but I am VERY confident in saying that if Kelly Clarkson was singing anywhere CLOSE to my body, I would be neither calm nor collected. I might be shocked. I might be stunned. I might faint. But in no way would I be able to carry on normally. More of all this throughout the list!

52. Believer - 9/19/19 This is a totally solid entry that suffers only because it aired back-to-back with the “Express Yourself” episode and I resent how into this song the audience here is; the total opposite of the other one. Everyone should know “Express Yourself”! I don’t think that’s too much to ask! 

51. Come and Get It - 11/8/19 This is ranked low mostly because I’ve always had an issue with a song that’s opening lyric is a young woman singing to a man “You ain’t gotta worry, it’s an open invitation,” so this choice bummed me out. Kelly sounds great, but we’ll keep moving! 

50. Cake By the Ocean - 11/13/19 A pretty straightforward rendition of a song that doesn’t allow many vocal pyrotechnics. That’s okay. It’s still early.

49. Blow Your Mind 10/8/19 The least-known song Kelly’s covered so far (I think? Right?) leads to some pretty low energy from the audience. Kelly sounds really good, but the whole thing just kind of...happens.

48. Happy - 11/22/19 This is about exactly what you’d expect, which is not a bad thing. Kelly Clarkson singing can never be a bad thing! 

47. Wrecking Ball - 10/15/19 An understated opening with a bit of a funereal vibe, if we’re being honest. This one finds Kelly starting planted in the middle of the audience with a few terribly uncomfortable looking people right in her shot. She plays with the melody which we love, and things get better once she starts walking, but all in all this isn’t one that moves the needle.

46. Delicate - 11/5/19 Some confusing excitement at the top as we try to figure out where Kelly is and what’s going on and then it’s like...Oh! She’s there and that’s what’s going on! We almost do really well with a song that feels like it’s fool-proof in terms of clapping on the beat, but our friend in white and our other friend in yellow prove that’s not quite the case! It really takes all kinds!

45. Sucker - 9/10/19 The second Kellyoke, and first proper one, is perfectly solid. The faster parts trip her up on the words a little, but her voice sounds impeccable on the chorus.

44. You Look Good - 11/11/19 My biggest takeaway from this perfectly lovely Kellyoke is that Kelly’s pocket is literally...every note ever written. It’s a common theme that will come up over and over on this list, but it never ceases to amaze me how flawlessly she sings. Even watching all of these videos back to back, it doesn’t get old! She is the greatest singer in the world! 

43. Juice - 9/30/19 She’s looking great and having fun here! If I could complain, it would be about Kelly not singing enough, which reminds me of a story MIA told after she worked on Christina Aguilera’s album Bionic. MIA was excited to write songs to show off Christina’s insane range and Christina was excited to make mellow, less-showy songs in MIA’s style that didn’t require her to belt the way she usually does. It seems their time together was...fraught. 

42. Jealous - 10/16/19 Kelly’s at home, both in leopard print and staying in one place at a mic stand in the band area. It seems pretty obvious that it’s because she really does not know the words to this one, and to make her navigate the stair-business along with the cue-card-business would be totally unfair. We have many more exciting entries on this list, but then she does....that at the end and you wonder why anyone else bothers singing ever!

41. What Makes You Beautiful - 10/10/19 This is fun for everyone, and the arm swaying alleviates all the clapping mishegoss so the audience looks good too. Nothing of it is too consequential, but her alternatives to the melody at the end are great!

40. Independence Day - 10/23/19 If this entry is a tad underwhelming, it’s only because it’s so in Kelly’s wheelhouse. But what a wheelhouse to be in! 

39. Ain't No Other Man - 9/16/19 A lot of YouTube comments on this video (Yes, I read the comments. Have I not been completely transparent about how miserable I am??) suggest that Kelly was holding back vocally on this one which feels true. Is it because she’s not fully confident on the choppy arrangement? Is it because Christina was a guest that day? Is it because she wasn’t feeling well? Who could ever know. Regardless, she still sounds better than literally every other singer on their very best day so who cares?  My only true “note”: It would’ve been nice to hear the “D-do your thang, honey,” right?

38. Any Man of Mine - 10/18/19 Another song that Kelly seems to love singing. I know I’m wrong, but the violin player doesn’t necessarily feel like he’s not chasing her throughout this whole thing. This is also, by my calculations, the first ever Kellyoke to feature a key change. We love to see it! (Am I using that right?)

37. Let Me Blow Ya Mind (10/9/19) The strangest thing about this Kellyoke entry is that every which way its listed on YouTube only credits Eve, leaving out Gwen Stefani, which I can’t figure out. The title is “Let Me Blow Ya Mind (Eve Cover) By Kelly Clarkson | Kellyoke” and the description is “Kelly Clarkson covers Eve's 2001 single, "Let Me Blow Ya Mind" for a live audience.” What gives? This one really makes the case for Kelly making every single song sound, not necessarily better, but like a song that was written for her. Maybe there are songs she wouldn’t sound good singing. If there are, she’s smart enough to not try!

36. Roar - 10/11/19 Kelly’s “Woo” at the beginning is maybe the most excited one in the Kellyoke canon. She looks great in purple (even if the sleeves are a little funky) and the vocal run on the final “roar” is breathtaking. A real motley crew of audience members here!

35. What About Us - 11/4/19 A slightly wonky arrangement that Kelly can’t seem to get in the groove of, but it’s Her singing P!nk, so it’s hard to complain. Kelly and P!nk should co-headline a stadium tour together. I think everyone would love that. Thank you in advance!

34. Shut Up and Dance - 9/23/19 This is all good and fun, but I’m most fascinated by the two women at the 26 second mark, one of whom seems to be hugging herself in order to reach her hands back to her wife, girlfriend, friend, or stranger behind her. It’s a really sweet moment that’s only marred when Kelly gets closer and the woman releases her hands to reveal that she, like the vast majority of The Kelly Clarkson Show audience members, hasn’t yet mastered the basic human function that is clapping.

33. Wild One - 10/17/19 Kelly enters through a new side door for this one, bypassing using the stairs at all. This one is great because Kelly seems to really genuinely love the song. 

32. Straight Up - 11/18/19 This one is fun both because it’s unlike most of the other songs on this list and because Paula Abdul was the guest that day (along with Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson, and Justin Guarini.) The lyric flub during the first chorus is a little vexing, but for the most part it’s all just a joy, with everyone firing on all cylinders. 

31. Love Me Like You Do - 10/7/19 This song feels a tiny bit like you can hear her say “Oh, I know that one. Let’s just do that.” right before she goes on. The high pony seems like it was styled by God and the option-up at 1:01 garners a rare reaction (from the girl on the aisle and her, seemingly, sister) that acknowledges that the people in the audience are MERE FEET from Kelly Clarkson while she sings like THAT. Kelly’s vocals at the end are gorgeous.

30. Sugar - 10/29/19 This is the perfect example of a song that Kelly sings and instantly makes feel like her latest single. Her voice just elevates everything! There is nothing she can’t sing! I hope I’ve made that clear at this point! The audience loves this one and how cute is Jessi with her beret and tambourine? Give it up for Jessi, y’all! 

29. Mine - 10/28/19 Kelly looks and sounds amazing here and the audience crowded around her are all doing their best impressions of human beings having a good time and enjoying live music.

28. Can't Feel My Face - 10/14/19 A fabulous horn-centric arrangement lets Kelly’s voice really soar. One of the best audiences, clapping-wise, that we’ve seen.

27. Ride - 11/14/19 Obviously the stars of this entry are Kelly’s dress and hair and the queen in the audience who knows all the words. We get the octave jump earlier than usual which is exciting.

26. Feel It Still - 11/20/19 I’m wondering how many of the artists whose work is represented on this list have heard these covers. Do you think they lose their minds? Are they so honored? Does it make them crazy to know that they will ever be able to sing as well as her? Do they reach out to her privately? Or can they not stand the thought of speaking to someone so talented?

25. Til the World Ends - 9/26/19 When I first saw that she was singing this, I was thrilled because, along with “I Will Wait”, “Crazy For You”, “Go Rest High on That Mountain”, and “My Man”, her 2012 cover of the full version is one of my favorite #KCRequests of all time. (If she ever does “I Will Wait” for Kellyoke I will cease to exist. Know that.) This arrangement is a little different and a little slow to my ear, but still...what a song! 

24. Miss Me More - 9/17/19 Kelly’s having a great time with this one in spite of an audience full of people who are dressed like they didn’t know they’d be on national TV, not only that day but in this lifetime, nor are capable of acknowledging that Kelly Clarkson is singing like that a few feet from their stupid faces. Bonus points for the logo colors. Pink goes good with green.

23. Lips Are Movin' - 10/30/19 We still don’t know why this had one of the most dramatic entrances in Kellyoke history (I can only assume it’s because they taped it the same day as the Halloween episode and wanted to take advantage of Bridget being at the studio? Can anyone reading this even begin to imagine how terrible it is in my head?) but it turns into a perfectly lovely rendition.

22. Never Be Like You - 11/7/19 What could it possibly feel like to sing like this? Do us mere mortals have a point of reference? Is it similar to the way we walk or sleep because it’s so easy for her? Or is it something she has to work towards and feels accomplished after completing like me jogging for one city block or completing a customer service phone call?

21. If It Makes You Happy - 9/25/19 A little low energy and doesn’t lend itself totally to the walking around (she almost doesn’t it make it to where she needs to be at the end!), but again, her voice is so unreal that it doesn’t really matter. I wonder why she chose to do the second verse (“I still get stoned” isn’t totally her brand) and it’s nuts to me that the verse is literally low for her but...whatever! HPA (high pony alert) as well! 

20. Uptown Funk - 11/18/19 First of all, how great is this entire look? This made me smile because when it started I thought, “Oh sure, we know how this will go.” And then I thought a little ahead through the rest of the song and was like “Oh shit, she’s really going to tear into all the ‘Don’t believe me just watch’ business isn’t she?” And, reader, she does! And the vocalizing at the end is just gravy. 

19. Better Now - 11/12/19 I know everyone has different tastes and it takes all kinds, but this is just factually better than the original, right?

18. Chandelier - 9/13/19 A more somber mood to close out Kelly’s first full week of shows, and the audience doesn’t quite know how to be. But GOD, does that dress move well! The words get botched a bit but the voice makes up for it. I know it goes without saying (and yet I still keep saying it!) but, Kelly Clarkson’s voice is ABSOLUTELY INSANE. If you listen to nothing else on this list (WHY???) at least listen to this one. 

17. I Love Rock ‘N Roll - 10/4/19 Kelly’s right at home here rocking out in her signature leopard. The audience is eating it up--they know this one and it seems like they’re actually listening to it in the room! Kelly screams and growls and sounds amazing. The high pony really solidifies this entry’s status.

16. Before He Cheats - 10/2/19 This doesn’t even sound like a cover. It literally just sounds like her song. 

15. Stay With Me - 11/27/19 Choirs make me cry so I’m a big fan of this. It’s another one that makes you laugh when you remember there’s a literal daytime talk show that unfolds over the 58 minutes that follow it. But then makes you emotional from the beauty of God’s voice. Lots of emotions in one minute and 40 seconds!

14. The Story - 11/19/19 This is absolutely beautiful. Doesn’t feel like there’s much more to say, right? 

13. If I Could Turn Back Time - 10/22/19 Four days after the first Kellyoke key change comes this one that almost doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen! By the time she gets to the mainstage it seems like she’s getting ready to wrap things up, but it’s just a fake out. The key changes and it’s insanity. As much fun as the audience seems to be having here, it does make me think that once a week there should be a taping that is solely attended by gay men. I think it would be just an insane Kellyoke to start, then a Q and A with Kelly and the audience for the rest. I’m not positive what it would mean for the ratings, but that’s not my job! 

12. Bitter Sweet Symphony - 11/26/19 My first thought during this one is that I couldn’t believe that there was more to the show after this. This IS a show! This should have played on a loop for the rest of the hour and everyone else should have gone home. I mean, is this the most gorgeous or WHAT?? An unexpected song, a beautiful arrangement, the voice of an angel. Instantly legendary. Few Kellyokes have begged for an expanded, complete version the way this one does.

11. Why Haven't I Heard From You - 9/27/19 Reminder that Kelly Clarkson is as famous as she is in spite of never releasing a country album. Would she be more famous if she’d only released country music? Or even just one country album? Listen to how at home she is on this song! And look at how much loves Reba! You can just tell! I don’t want to be too presumptuous, but I do feel like the pants here aren’t a coincidence. Feels to me like there might have been a discussion about mobility and how into the song she’d get at the end. And she does! That last line! A true legend! 

10. I Put a Spell on You - 10/31/19 We love a production and this is one, honey! I’ll pay this Kellyoke the highest compliment I can which is that it’s the closest we’re going to come to recreating The Rosie O’Donnell Show in this year of our lord 2019. (That would be assuming, of course, Rosie O’Donnell was the greatest singer in the history of the world.) There’s some questionable back-up dancer business around the one-minute-mark (Was she supposed to be alone? Was she actually supposed to touch Kelly??), but that’s the only thing that’s not absolutely perfect about this. 

9. I Like It, I Love It - 10/25/19 It probably won’t surprise anyone reading this to find out that I wasn’t particularly familiar with this song before hearing Kelly’s version (unless there’s an emergency, I try to make sure the only male singers in my iTunes library are Harry Styles and Steven Pasquale), but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve listened to Kelly’s version. What really struck me is that she didn’t change the pronouns which...well, it made me cry at my desk. It was a long week, okay?

8. Walking on Broken Glass - 10/1/19 Animal print? Check! Iconic song? Check! And buy me that skirt! The real killer here is Kelly’s bridge, which she chooses to FULL THROAT BELT (she knows no other way, really) instead of following Annie Lennox’s falsetto-ed lead. We still get a glimpse of Kelly’s head voice (if not whistle tone) at the end. Kelly’s happy, the audience is into it, this is a good one!

7. Think - 9/12/19 This was only the third episode of the show, so it was easy to think that it might never get better than this. And the truth is, it rarely does! What makes this even more unbelievable than the sheer power of her voice, is that she does this all while going up and down two sets of stairs! Who can do that?! I’ve been known to stop conversations getting on the escalators going up from the Q train just to be able to really focus on what I’m doing, and she’s singing and wearing heels and doing it all at once like it’s no big deal??

6. If I Can't Have You - 10/3/19 This one starts out as a little bit of a bummer because on paper it looks like it may be track seven of her album All I Ever Wanted. (Two quick things here. First, if you ever want me to get light-headed from talking too much and too quickly, ask me about my theory that the best song on any album is track seven. Second, if you don’t know “If I Can’t Have You” get the fuck on it! And then listen to the Smoakstack Sessions acoustic version. And then listen to the live version mashed up with “Can’t Get You Out of My Head” that she only performed a few times in Australia. And then you may marry me.) Anyway, once you get over that initial disappointment, this is a near perfect Kellyoke. If there’s anything else wrong with it (and I know she can’t control the title of the song), it’s only that her whole look is reminiscent of a middle schooler who is playing Smitty in How to Succeed and had to provide her own costume. BUT! Don’t let that take away from everything else to feast on during this one minute and 55 second masterpiece.

5. Alone - 10/21/19 “Anyone here like Heart?” is a clunky opening to what will go down as one of the all-time great Kellyokes, but by the time we get to the “Y’all ready?” we’re off to the races. Because we’re NOT ready! We think we are, but how could we be? I mean, it’s Kelly Clarkson singing “Alone” and somehow it’s even better than you could ever possibly imagine?? Even the audience engagement here doesn’t bother me as much as it usually does. Maybe because I would watch a documentary mini-series about that group of friends, especially the woman in the denim jacket who plays the air drums after Kelly walks away. I feel like she has a gay son. She better work. 

4. Bad Romance - 9/11/19 This one ranks high on both personal and technical levels. Personally, this is certainly something I feel responsible for conjuring through sheer force of will and witchcraft. I don’t want to be buried (“Jesus, I thought this was a silly list of Kelly Clarkson covers!” -you) but if I did, I’d feel comfortable putting here in writing that I’d like “Kelly Clarkson sings a powerful rendition of Lady Gaga's 2009 single ‘Bad Romance’ #KellyClarksonShow #LadyGaga” engraved on my gravestone or the door to my mausoleum or whatever. Technically, again, not much to say beyond “Well, listen to it.” Taking the second verse up an octave is inspired and the ad libs are divine. The flubbed lyrics are a plant to make us think she’s human.

3. Only Girl in the World - 11/15/19 I said “Oh shit” out loud at my desk when I saw the song title, leopard print, and high ponytail all in one Kellyoke. What a trifecta. And what a performance! Let’s be real, this one boils down to the 55 second mark when you and Kelly start a will she/won’t she dance as the bridge crescendos. And like, OF COURSE SHE WILL. SHE’S KELLY MOTHERFUCKING BRIANNA CLARKSON. YOU THINK SHE’S NOT GONNA BELT THAT NOTE YOU WORTHLESS SWINE? I’m no Mister Golightly so I don’t know how to read music that well, but this seems to be the highest belted note in a Kellyoke up to this point. (And PLEASE correct me if I’m wrong. Feels like it’s important for me to know.) Her kids at the end are sweet, but this one became top ten long before they ran out onstage.

2. Let's Go Crazy - 9/24/19 The “Dearly Beloved” probably sounded better in theory, but what otherwise sinks this totally perfect vocal performance is an audience full of goons who deserve to be incarcerated or, at the very least, fined. Did I take for granted that everyone knows how to clap on the beat? Even if EVERYONE doesn’t, the odds don’t seem to lend themselves to how many people in this audience have no idea how to clap. Was there an a support group meeting for the rhythmically impaired that morning somewhere near the Universal lot? Do you think they were laughing in the control room? Also, doesn’t it feel strange that the below people could be in the same room and making those faces at the same time? Surely someone’s should be different. And I know which one I think!

1. I Wanna Dance With Somebody- 10/24/19 This is the Kellyoke motherlode. It may never get better than this. Every choice Kelly makes is the one you want her to. This one has it all: full-throated belting, whistle tone, iconic song, iconic outfit, option-ups left and right. The brief moment of audience participation lets us know that Kelly wants you to think this is for everyone, but it’s really just her taking the opportunity to go fucking wild. It’s what we and, more importantly, she deserve.

[scottgalina]

Diamond Heart

JUST DANCE (2008) I’m a senior in high school. I check Perez Hilton compulsively and he posted this as one of his “New Music” posts or whatever they were. I can’t remember the content of his writing or what he scribbled on whatever picture of her, but I remember the little pink “Play” icon to push to listen to the song at the bottom of the post. When you push it, the time bar scrolls out to the right until the song ends and then it wooshs back. So, in order to listen on repeat (the way I’m compelled to) you have to go back to that tab, click play again, and then go back to whatever you were doing. (If you’re me, “whatever you were doing” probably means posting on BroadwayWorld and reformatting my AIM profile.)

I listen to it over and over and over and over. She is nobody. Doesn’t have a Wikipedia page; only a MySpace. She’s brunette in some of her profile pictures and under her “Favorite Music” she lists “Hairspray” which makes me smile but follows it up with something like “(the band, not the musical)” which does not. She has a few songs on there to listen to (definitely “Just Dance,” “Poker Face,” and “LoveGame”) and a few demos (I remember “Paparazzi” and “Beautiful Dirty Rich” mostly). Somehow, I finally find a way to download all of them as mp3s. (Kazaa? LimeWire? My timeline is fuzzy.) I burn them onto CDs and the CDs travel into whoever’s car is driving us around Suffern--mine, Jake’s, or Christine’s. We love her, but we constantly say to each other “If I walked past her on the street I wouldn’t know it was her.” There is no Twitter, no Instagram, just this MySpace that doesn’t seem to be updated very often.

I become obsessed. Soon The Fame comes out. I have a leaked version burned onto a blank CD (LADY GAGA-THE FAME written in Sharpie in my best handwriting) because it was already released in Europe, but I buy my hard copy on the day of its American debut. (I was in the city with my English class seeing Spring Awakening. I bought it at the Virgin Megastore (Can you believe the kids don’t know about the Virgin Megastore?) and had to go downstairs to find it because it wasn’t part of any display anywhere. We had dinner at Ruby Foo’s before the show. (Can you believe the kids don’t know about Ruby Foo’s??))

Soon, she announces tour dates. I freak because the New York date is at Webster Hall and is 18+. It’s at the end of March and I don’t turn 18 until June. Christine and Jake are already going to be 18 by then so it isn’t an issue for them. I start trying to figure out how I will get in. My dad offers to take us and walk me up to the door to say I have his permission to go in. I look into buying a fake ID. We wonder if they’d really turn away a sweet, overweight, clearly gay, almost 18-year-old who doesn’t want any trouble--only to see Lady Gaga live.

Before we can come up with a definitive course of action, everyone starts hearing “Just Dance.” I know it’s a big deal when the straight guys blast it from their cars while we all wait to leave the parking lot after school. It’s in all their mixes with Jason Derulo’s “In My Head” and Shwayze’s “Get U Home.” She gets so popular that the New York tour date moves from Webster Hall to Terminal 5. I know getting in there won’t be a problem--I had seen Mika there the previous February. (Can you even fathom this life I’ve lead?) The issue is, the new date is a Saturday night in May. There are 7:00p and 9:30p shows--demand is that high that fast. But, it’s a night I’m scheduled to perform as Gaston in my children theatre’s production of Beauty and the Beast. (Can you even fathom this life I’ve lead?) I don’t end up seeing The Fame Ball live.

BAD ROMANCE (2009) November, my freshman year of college. Move-in was rough. The days following were rougher. All of September is an anxious, depressed blur. But now it’s November and I’m very happy. The happiest I’ve ever been. I have a group of friends that I like and like me, I’m doing well in my classes because they’re about things I’m interested in, I’m kissing boys, and this weekend is Fall Ball--Purchase’s annual drag competition. It’s my first time actually seeing drag queens perform live and I’m in heaven. Christine came to visit for the weekend because, well when your gay best friend’s school has a drag competition you go to visit for the weekend. The “Bad Romance” video has only been out for a little over a week, but of course some queen in the dance conservatory has already put together a live recreation with like 20 girls doing the choreography. I scream so loudly and jump so hard that I think I might die. (We were still drinking the original 4Lokos then, so I really could have.)

But, I’m getting ahead of myself. In September, in an effort to meet new people and make more friends, Tyler (who I’ve known for all of ten days and am already best friends with) and I watch the VMAs in the community lounge of the Farside dorm. The RAs ordered pizza for everyone but I'm still anxious and not eating. It’s a good show to watch in a big group--the opening Michael Jackson tribute, the K*nye/Taylor thing, P!nk (you like that?) performing “Sober” on the trapeze, and, of course, Her. The “Paparazzi” performance, the Best New Artist win, the reaction shots in the audience. Suddenly, everyone in the room, all these strangers, know who Lady Gaga is. My Lady Gaga. And are singing along to “Paparazzi.” It isn’t just Jake, Christine, and I in my driveway letting the song finish before I get out of the car. She is...famous.

Things really accelerate from there. It's the first of many thrilling times to be a Gaga fan. “Bad Romance” is part of Alexander McQueen’s Plato’s Atlantis, then the first demo leaks. Then the final version is released. And then the video. This slow-trickle-release of different versions leads to a lot of confusion but overall excitement, as evidenced by the below tweets.

I watch the video for the first time sitting at my desk in my freshman dorm. And then I watch it again. And again and again and again. I start pulling people into my room to show it to them for the first time. I sing the songs from The Fame Monster with abandon--in my room with the door open, walking around campus, in the shower in my hall bathroom. Someone on my floor makes their Facebook status “Oh god why are you singing lady gaga showtune style with a lisp why god why” and I screenshot it and post copies on the door of every room on the hall. He comes up to my door the next day. “Well played,” he says, and apologizes.

Later that year I get written up by my RA for playing Her music too loudly too late at night.

BORN THIS WAY (2010) It’s a Friday morning, sophomore year of college. The song is premiering at 6:00a on z100. Tyler’s sleeping in his bed across the room from me. Our first class of the day is at 12:30p and we are garbage people so we have to set alarms to wake up in time to make it. But, this morning I’ve set two alarms, the first being for 5:59a, so I can listen to the song’s debut live. When the radio turns on, “Blame it on the Alcohol” has just started. (There’s so much in this life I won’t remember--why do I remember this?) It finishes at 6:01a, probably, but it’s long enough to make me wonder what the fuck is going on and start to freak out. It starts. No matter where I am, no matter what’s going on, whenever I hear the beginning of “Born This Way” I’m instantly transported back to this moment. The build; the crescendo; the way it sounds coming out of my clock-radio; the way it makes me feel. Elvis Duran and the Z Morning Zoo (You can’t take that away from me!) starts and I listen for a little before going back to sleep and waiting for my second, more traditional alarm to start my day.

My goal that night is to go to out--to “The Apartments”--and hear the song in the wild. I make my intentions known and soon start getting texts about which parties will be playing it at what time. I play the song out loud for the rest of the day on repeat. From the moment I get back from class, our eight-person-suite is filled with Her voice, until the moment we leave to go out that night.

I know I eventually heard it that night, but I don’t remember where or at what point. (I think we were still drinking 4Loko then? Mostly it’s because that first time hearing it has superseded all other memories from that day.) Born This Way will go on to be my favorite album of all time.

APPLAUSE (2013) It’s been two long, eventful, months since I graduated college. Graduation was on a Friday in late May and I started my internship the following Monday. (When asked when I wanted to start, I foolishly said “Well, I graduate on Friday, so I could start on Monday if you wanted!,” thinking I’d look like the overachiever I wanted to look like and be told “That’s nice of you to offer, but why don’t you take a week off for yourself and then start the next week.” Instead I got “Great! Let's plan on Monday.”) That was the end of May. At the end of July I got hired to stay on as an employee. Now it’s a Saturday afternoon (sunset, to be exact) at the beginning of August and I’m at a Kelly Clarkson/Maroon 5 concert at PNC Bank Arts Center in Holmdel, NJ and my socials are indicating that both Katy Perry’s AND Gaga’s new songs are leaking. If I remember correctly, “Roar” leaked immediately in full and “Applause” trickled out in short, murky clips that I struggled to hear as we filed into the arena.

I’m living at home and commuting on the bus every day in and out of the city. During the day I feel like the coolest, luckiest, chic-est young professional, until I get to Port Authority at night and text my parents asking what’s for dinner.

When we get to work the Monday following the concert, Conrad (a co-worker who already feels like an inevitable best friend) forwards me an unmastered version of the full song. I listen to it quietly at my desk and am over the moon. She is back. There is new Lady Gaga music. It’s been a minute, and things were looking a little funky for Her. In February she had cancelled the remaining dates of The Born This Way Ball (including the show I had tickets for; still waiting to hear “Highway Unicorn” live!) due to a hip injury and then was kind of laying low for a while.

“Applause” is weird but I fucking love it. I’m happy again in the way I was at the beginning of college--making new friends, building a new life for myself, and listening to new Lady Gaga music while I do.

PERFECT ILLUSION (2016) Tyler and I have been living in a two-bedroom in Astoria for three months. We are finally adults.(?) We’re huddled around my phone in my bedroom--the song is premiering on AppleMusic at 10:00p. I have a feeling I’m going to love it. It starts and I can’t sit still. Soon I’m jumping on my bed. The key changes and I think I’m going to go through the ceiling. It’s perfect. I play it on repeat for the rest of the night. And then the rest of the week. Tyler has since told me that he didn’t like it at first, but by sheer force of will I got him to come around. It’s the start of another phenomenal time to be a Little Monster (and Big Loser!)

Soon will come Joanne. Then the Super Bowl. The Joanne World Tour. A Star is Born. Enigma. Awards season. It’s late December 2018 as I write this--over ten years since I bought The Fame at the Virgin Megastore. That’s a long time to be so infatuated with someone, but it doesn’t feel like it. I met Her once (a book signing) and have seen Her live nine times. It’s hard for me to believe I don’t know Her. About twice a year I have vivid dreams that we’re friends.

Two months ago Tyler and I were at a screening of A Star is Born, after which was a panel with Her. I kept turning to him to say “That’s Her. That’s Her actual body. Like, when I make you watch the Super Bowl performance once every other week, that’s the literal human who did that. That’s who recorded ‘Boys Boys Boys.’ That’s who rewrote ‘Poker Face’ for Her first SNL performance. That’s Jo Calderone. That’s who sang ‘Edge of Glory’ on Howard Stern. Who dedicated ‘Hair’ to Jamey. Who wrote ‘Gypsy.’ That’s HER.”

And I love Her.

[scottgalina]

Harry’s for the Home

This is a commercial for (what I think was) a local business that was on TV a LOT growing up but no one seems to remember except me. I write and post this in the hopes that my husband is also constantly scouring the internet for it and finding this will lead him to me.

An older woman in a pastel pantsuit and hat rings the doorbell of a younger blonde woman who has just moved into the community. “Ladies’ auxiliary!” she says. “Mrs. Miller,” the neighborhood newcomer answers, “Come in.” Mrs. Miller does.

At this point, I think that the younger woman offers Mrs. Miller something to drink, which Mrs. Miller agrees to. If not exactly that, she asks something that creates business for her in another room and she excuses herself. Mrs. Miller, left alone in the living room, says to herself (she has a real older-Jewish-woman-in-the-suburbs way of speaking (kind of like me in middle school)), “Such expensive-looking furniture, I don’t know how they afford it.” Or something to that effect. Mrs. Miller takes it upon herself to investigate. She flips a pillow cushion over to read the tag. “Harry’s For the Home?” she asks aloud. (By the way, the tag is HUGE so as to read on camera. It would NEVER be on furniture, certainly not pillows! Growing up this frustrated me to no end.) She looks under a vase and finds the same label. “Harry’s!” (To reiterate, SHE IS ALONE IN A STRANGER’S’ LIVING ROOM.) Then, she literally lays down on the floor and looks under the coffee table!!!!

The shot is this: we are on the floor with Mrs. Miller looking at the profile of her face. She is laying fully on her back looking up at the tag under the table. She says again (still surprised!) “HARRY’S?!”

THEN! The younger woman whose house we’re in walks back into the room. We only see her feet in the frame. “MRS. MILLER!” she exclaims. Mrs. Miller turns to look directly into the camera with a shocked face. She has been caught and she is EMBARRASSED, HONEY! The frame freezes on Mrs. Miller’s face--eyes wide, mouth agape. “Harry’s For the Home,” a male voice says, and then gives some more pertinent information that is also displayed OVER Mrs. Miller’s still frozen face.

[scottgalina]

4/26/18

It was Thursday so I had therapy in the morning. We didn’t talk about anything too eventful or out of the ordinary (my problems are consistent in that way) except for a feeling I’ve been having recently, during some arbitrary moments of deep sadness, that I’m on the precipice of big changes in my life. That sometimes the ground feels like it’s shifting under me and I’m not sure towards what, but I’m trying to resist it as little as possible. I said that it was scary, but it felt exciting. At one point we found ourselves talking about the universality of the gay adolescence. How isolating it was to grow up with all those feelings and so few people to talk to about them, and even less people (if any) to compare them with. But how there are now so many 26-year-old gay guys who are friends who spent the 90s memorizing Disney movies and the early 2000s secretly downloading Rufus Wainwright songs on LimeWire all over the country, wishing they could talk to each other.

It was a beautiful April morning--truly not too hot and not too cold and all I needed was a light jacket. I walked to work from therapy and called my grandma on the way because she had texted me that she missed me the night before. We talked about my siblings, about my parents, about vacations (past and future), and about a big birthday that’s coming up for her. We talked about the connotation of the number vs. how she actually feels--how youthful she acts (and is) in spite (defiance?) of this big, looming milestone. I tried to give her some sort of advice, as though I had any point of reference for how she could possibly be feeling, or have had any experience turning...the age she’s turning. (I didn’t dare tell her that within the hour I had mentioned to my therapist that I feel so old.) We talked about which recently opened shows she should see and which she should skip. She told me she had her meditation class in the afternoon and I told her I was seeing a documentary about Howard Ashman that night.

At some point during the day someone texted me about something my mom did that made me laugh so I called her to laugh about it together and we fell into this laugh that only the other can bring out. It’s the kind of laugh that you don’t dissolve into; you just open your mouth and are transported to the thick of it--immediately lightheaded from not being able to breathe, tears instantly pouring. The kind of laugh where, if you’re me (or my grandma, or her grandma, or, I’m assuming, many grandmas and granddaughters and fagelah grandsons before us,) you have this instantly nagging feeling in the back of your mind that something bad is going to happen soon because no one should be allowed to be this happy. We had that kind of a laugh over this thing that someone told me she did and I swear I laughed so hard it gave me a headache that required two Advil to fully recover from.

At a different point during the day, someone forwarded my boss the below quote from Tennesse Williams and he asked me to print it for him. I got chills when I read it.

“The world is violent and mercurial — it will have its way with you. We are saved only by love — love for each other and the love that we pour into the art we feel compelled to share: being a parent; being a writer; being a painter; being a friend. We live in a perpetually burning building, and what we must save from it, all the time, is love.”

After work I went to the movie. I was (obviously) really excited to see it but it was also something I was dreading because, well, it’s like seeing Carousel--common sense may tell you that the ending will be sad. But I went because I wanted to and I felt like it was my duty.

When the movie opened with pictures of a young Howard, I was struck by his sister telling us that he (like me, and so many of us) used to put pillowcases on his head to stand in for long hair and turn the curtains covering a window into those hanging from the proscenium in the theatre in his mind. (When we were in Barcelona a few weeks ago my dad walked into the living room and caught me playing with the curtains. “For 30 years you’ve been doing that,” he said.)

There were a few times at the beginning of the movie that I got choked up--moments of joy, wondering whether Howard had that feeling at the end of a good laugh and knowing that, if he did, he was right to. I got pangs of guilt when I put together that Howard was only 27 when he became artistic director of the WPA Theatre and 29 when he wrote God Bless You, Mr. Rosenwater with Alan Menken. I got chills when I realized that Smile played at the Lunt-Fontanne--where Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid would play long after he had died.

But I fully started sobbing when we were presented with video footage of Jerry Orbach and Angela Lansbury recording “Be Our Guest”. Beauty and the Beast was my first favorite movie. (It’s still my favorite movie today--in the way that we all just accept that there will never be a better movie than The Wizard of Oz so everyone’s favorite movie is really their second favorite movie.) I can’t tell you how many times I would rewind and watch “Be Our Guest”. Or how many performances my family was treated to (or, suffered through, in hindsight) in which I played all the roles. In the moment I didn’t really have time to figure out why I was sobbing--why I was so affected. All I knew was that I was and I couldn’t control it. Thinking about it now, I was crying about so many things. Crying knowing how soon after that recording session Howard was going to die. Crying that when he died he was only 40. Crying about all he could have done if he lived longer. But also crying at the thought of what he was able to produce in 40 years--what he left behind. Crying because isn’t that what we all want? To leave something behind? To channel our love--as Tennesse Williams said--into something that we care about and make a difference? I was crying for all the Howard Ashmans who would have grown up to be Howard Ashmans but didn’t get to. I was crying at the joy, the ecstasy, of musical theatre. The jubilation of the full orchestra. The talent of Jerry Orbach and Angela Lansbury. I was crying because when I was growing up I took Beauty and the Beast for granted--it was what it was! No one wrote or recorded it! It just existed! But now I am an adult and I know that things are made. There are budgets and contracts and rewrites and deadlines and fights and you get older and you find these things out. Beauty and the Beast was made. And now I know that, and somewhere I always knew that, but it really hit me hard to see that one piece separated from the whole. I cried in appreciation of the gift that Howard Ashman, and everyone who made Beauty and the Beast, gave me and all of my friends that I was yet to meet across the country--putting pillowcases on our heads, wanting adventure in the great, wide somewhere

Of course, not long after that, Howard died and the movie ended. The whole audience stayed, sniffling, through the end of the credits. We all shuffled out of the theatre, red-and-puffy-eyed, down the three escalators and out toward, what had turned into, the beautiful April night.

When I was on the train I took my ticket out to take a picture of it. I immediately got tears in my eyes. I was, as Hedwig says, wide open.

When I was walking from the train to my apartment, the wind picked up in such a way, at such a time during “No Tears Left to Cry” that made me feel like I was in heaven. Or at least a fabulous, female pop star onstage in front of my adoring fans. It was really nice.

It felt like a day that was the start of something--new and a bit alarming.

That was calling out for me to commemorate--we’ll wait and see.

Who knows?

There may be something there that wasn’t there before.

[scottgalina]

Something Kinda Funny: Spice World at 20

I saw Spice World for the first time on February 9th, 1998. My dad took me and my brother to see it in movie theatres. Probably not the boys’ night out my dad would have envisioned growing up if you told him he was going to have two sons when he was older, but that’s the kind of dad he was and is. (I was dragged to Jets and Knicks games too, so the door swung both ways.) I know that was the date we went because I wrote about it in my first grade journal the next day.

I loved the Spice Girls. Always did, still do, and can’t imagine I won’t always. It’s funny, because for the past two weeks a lot of the Spice Girls fan accounts I follow on social media (I’m single!) have been posting celebrations of Spice World’s twentieth anniversary. I always had plans to watch it this weekend just to do my part as a Spice fan in 2018, and then Friday happened and it seemed less like something I wanted to do and more like something I had to.

I can’t remember the last time I saw the movie. I have it on DVD so I’ve never been too far from it, but I’d say it’s definitely been years since I saw it. Maybe I made people watch it with me in college? Maybe I watched it alone in college? (I was single then, too!) Regardless of when it was, it’s been years. So I was excited when I popped in my DVD to see if, twenty years later, Spice World is just as infuckingsane as it’s always seemed. And, reader, IT. IS.

Based on the opening credits (which roll over a Top of the Pops performance of “Too Much”) the film is based on an idea by The Spice Girls and Kim Fuller and written by Kim Fuller. A (very) quick search tells me that Kim Fuller is the brother (!!) of Simon Fuller (the Girls’ manager at the time and creator of American Idol, etc., etc.) and screenwriter of From Justin to Kelly. So. That’s who we’re dealing with here. The biggest question I have is...how did this happen?? The movie is literal nonsense! In the days leading up to watching the movie, I’ve remembered different things that happen in it and thought “That can’t actually be in the movie, right?” or “I never understood why that was in there but I bet now that I’m an adult I’ll see how it illuminates something about celebrity or the way we live.” But, I’m here to tell you that all those things actually happen and none of them make any sense!!!

Let’s just start with the most basic question you’d ask of any movie you were watching: What is this about? Okay. So. Spice World is about...the Spice Girls. And at this moment in their lives, the Spice Girls are preparing for a very large concert at Royal Albert Hall that will be televised all around the world. The stakes are high!! But preparing for a concert does not a movie make, so there are other things that happen. One is that Alan Cumming’s character is making a documentary about the Spice Girls. We can’t quite tell if there’s an angle to this documentary or why exactly he’s making it, but he is. Spoiler alert: nothing comes of it. There doesn’t seem to be a reason that this sub-plot is in the movie at all. Another inexplicable subplot is that George Wendt’s character is a movie producer who is commissioning a film to be written about the Spice Girls. I guess this is in there as a wink-wink-nudge-nudge to the audience who is actually watching a film about the Spice Girls. (They talk about no one caring if the girls can act, to get ahead of it. (I have to say, sometimes they’re actually not bad actresses! But also sometimes they are VERY bad actresses.)) So there are two dead end subplots going on about movies being made about the Spice Girls within a movie about the Spice Girls. Got it!

Another subplot is one in which Barry Humphries plays a newspaper editor who wants to take down the Spice Girls. Why? Because they’re so successful and he’s sick of having to write about them! If you’re like me, you were probably traumatized by him spitting a lot (it’s still disgusting) and making it rain inside his office. He hires Richard O’Brien’s scary paparazzo to stalk the girls and bring him negative stories to run about them. Luckily for everyone, Richard O’Brien fits in toilets!

Yet another subplot revolves around the girls’ friend Nicola who seems to have been friends with them all growing up, except if we’re really picking this movie apart (I know what you’re thinking: “We’re not doing anything, don’t drag me into this you fucking loser.” You’re right! I’m sorry! If I’m really picking this movie apart…) the Spice Girls are BAD FRIENDS. Here’s why: When we first meet Nicola, she’s very pregnant and has shown up unannounced to a rehearsal for the Royal Albert Hall show. The girls stop the rehearsal to chat with her, which is nice, and ask her when she’s due, which seems like something friends should know--even peripherally, if not exactly. “Last week,” she says. Okay, so it’s DEFINITELY something they should’ve known. Got it. “How’s Trevor?” Geri asks, leading us to believe that Trevor is the father of Nicola’s one week overdue baby. “Trevor left me,” Nicola tells the girls, to their poorly written and acted shock. To me, it just seems like if they were better friends surely that would’ve come up sooner. And if it hadn’t that’s fine, they’re just not as good friends as this movie wants us to believe. The next time we see Nicola she’s at a press event for the big show. No sooner does she start chatting with the girls then they’re whisked away to answer questions from the press--you know, the purpose of the event. Nicola, now presumably at least a week and a half overdue (at least!) is left to wallow in her pregnant pity about being deserted by her friends. Someone asks her if she’s part of the Spice phenomenon. “I’m nobody,” she tells him. He promptly walks away because this is a Spice Girls press event and he was just trying to be nice.

The next time we see Nicola is in a flashback. The girls are at an old cafe (that has closed for the night) they used to haunt and want to play the owner (who was probably desperate to go home and not in the mood for this) the demo of “Wannabe”. Nicola is there too and she...pushes play on the boombox and then watches the girls perform. Huh. Okay! Maybe that’s the source of some tension?? Anyway, cut to the present and it’s the night before the Royal Albert Hall concert so we can only assume Nicola has entered her tenth month of pregnancy. Naturally, as we all do the night before a big day, the girls want to treat their severely and dangerously pregnant friend to a night out on the town. And she agrees! They find a prime spot to dance on one of the balconies of a kooky club, but then an unidentifiable remix of “Who Do You Think You Are” comes on. “I love this song,” one of them says. “That’s because we wrote it!” says another. (I can’t really overemphasize that they’re saying this about an anonymous club beat. There is no way to know what song is playing for about another 45 seconds when Geri’s voice comes in.) The Spice Girls decide that the balcony isn’t the best place to dance to their own song at this club. They want to go downstairs to be the center of attention! Which Nicola tells them is fine. So they go! Leaving her alone! What’s the worst that could happen? Well, as soon as the chorus kicks in, Nicola’s water breaks, wouldn’t you know?? Anyway, the point is that on closer viewing, it doesn’t seem like the girls and Nicola are that great of friends. I guess the point was to show the girls being present for the birth of a girl? To carry forward the Girl Power legacy? To portray them as godmothers? Still unclear!

I know we’re pretty deep into this already, but there are so many bananas things in this movie that I haven’t even covered yet, so you’re going to have to bear with me. (I mean, MEAT LOAF PLAYS THE BUS DRIVER!!!!!)

Of course a lot of people remember that the girls meet a group of aliens deep in the woods (all the toilets broke down on the bus, as luck would have it), but does everyone remember how sexually aggressive they are? One grabs Mel B’s breast, one makes Victoria sign their (his?) bare stomach, and one kisses Geri. Speaking of sexual forward-ness, there’s also, of course, the incident in Milan. You see, the girls have to fly to Milan to perform a previously un-released, but instantly iconic, cover of “Leader of the Gang” with back-up dancers who, during dress rehearsal, are clad only in fake tans and tight white briefs. This doesn’t fly with Clifford (the Girls’ manager), so a compromise must be made. And the compromise is...they will perform in assless chaps! I mean, do you remember seeing this for the first time!? If you’re a straight woman or man or a lesbian you might not, but honey, I will never <clap emoji> for <clap emoji> get <clap emoji> <deep breath> IT. The Spice Girls singing and dancing! Pyrotechnics! Those tan butts!! (In terms of formative tan butts on film, I’d say this scene is only second to Mario Lopez on Nip/Tuck in terms of helping me make sense of some things.) Anyway, if you’ve ever thought about that scene and been like “Is that what really happened in that movie?” or “Wow, that is fucking insane,” the answer is yes, it does and is.

Another thing that happens in Spice World (budgeted at $25 million, PS) that you may hazily remember, but turns out you only hazily remember because it was only hazily executed, is that two young girls win a contest to spend time with the Spice Girls, who happen to be feeling particularly adventurous that day. Which leads to the seven of them hopping off the Spice Bus and jumping into a nearby boat (as you do) to take a spin around the River Thames while singing “My Boy Lollipop” and having general fun. Only, the driver of the boat gets distracted and has to swerve to narrowly miss something floating in the water (I think we’re supposed to infer that Richard O’Brien planted it there? Or else that boat driver is just really fucking careless. I mean, talk about precious cargo!!!) The driver swerves the boat and the two contest winners and Victoria fall into the water. It’s a whole thing and it ends up in the newspaper, which makes the girls seem careless and irresponsible, which like...is not wrong based on the fact that they just jumped into a stranger’s boat with two children they didn’t know. (Also, this movie is only 93 minutes!)

All this is to say that a lot of really insane things happen in Spice World (and that’s without me even mentioning the Bruce Willis/Demi Moore reference nor that Roger Moore plays Clifford’s boss. I just don’t have the time! Also, Clifford and Claire literally do have sex which was totally lost on me growing up, probably for the better). While I was watching the movie and while I was writing this, I tried to think about if a movie like this could get made today, and if it did, who would be famous enough to justify it. The last example I can think of (and maybe I’m wrong, please tell me if so!) would be The Hannah Montana Movie, and even that was based on a TV show and squarely aimed at children and teens. I don’t think Spice World is that. Spice World is literally about the Spice Girls, playing themselves. In a movie, not a documentary. And it’s an adult movie! There are butts! Victoria intimates that Geri should take her top off to wake up an unconscious boy! George Wendt’s character says “I’m wet already!” I guess what I’m really wondering, and may always be wondering, is how the fuck did this movie get made?

Before I let you go, I do want to be clear that I know picking a movie that’s not made to be picked apart or analyzed in any way, shape, or form is like screaming into the wind or trying to get me to take a spin class--pointless. If reading this makes you think anything, I hope it makes you want to watch Spice World again. Because as ridiculous as it is and as hard as it is to imagine functioning adult human beings writing it or spending money on making it, it’s fun. And I imagine that’s all that anyone involved wanted it to be. It doesn’t take itself seriously, it doesn’t try to be anything it’s not. It just makes a case for how great the Spice Girls are. And I want to tell you.. I think they’re pretty fucking great.

[scottgalina]

2017 - BOOKS

[scottgalina]

MOMENTS IN THE WOODS: MY ULTIMATE THEATRE MOMENTS OF 2017

I don’t have much to add to what so many have said about this year and how fucking shitty it was, but what I will say is that you’d never know it looking at a list of all the things that New Yorkers were able to see. Whether leaning into the current political hellscape, or providing a completely unrelated escape, the 2017 season had something for everyone, and (more importantly, and maybe rarely) something good for everyone.

If this list seems long it’s only because I love love love love love love going to the theatre. And if you see the dates I saw things are close together and realize how many nights I spent at the theatre this year, just know that it still wasn’t enough for me. If you’re reading this and you saw a lot of the same things as me, let me know what you think! And if you’re reading this and want to see more theatre or feel left out for not seeing things, YOU SHOULD. Go see theatre! There are so many ways to see things. I saw so many of the shows listed below through student rushes or standing rooms or TDF or under 30 discount programs. See whatever you can, whenever you can. Theatre is vital. Art matters.

So, without further ado…

MOMENTS THAT MADE ME GENUINELY LAUGH Most of Randy Graff’s lines in The Babylon Line. (1/10)

More than I can count in School Girls which should be a TV show or a movie or just at LEAST not close forever on December 31st (which it’s scheduled to)!!! (11/16)

I’m putting The Antipodes here because I did laugh a lot and want to make sure it’s accounted for on this list but it could kind of go any and everywhere. (4/15)

MOMENTS THAT MADE ME CRY The courtroom scene at the end of Yen. (2/11)

Come From Away’s finale. Every. Single. Time. (2/19, 3/25, 6/8)

MOMENTS THAT TOOK MY BREATH AWAY Katrina Lenk singing “Omar Sharif” in The Band’s Visit. (1/4)

Sara Bareilles singing her way through her own EXQUISITE Waitress score with the ease of someone…actually she makes it seem easier than anything I’ve ever seen anyone else do before. (4/12)

The bathtub slip in Cost of Living. (6/28)

Walking into the Imperial for the first time to see Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812, and then MANY moments that followed. (1/25, 2/3, 3/10)

Christine Ebersole singing “Pink” (one of the most beautiful songs of this, if not the past few, seasons) in War Paint. (3/3, 4/6)

Michael Urie and Mercedes Ruehl’s fight in act three of Torch Song. (10/19)

The title song in Hundred Days. That voice! The salt! (11/15)

MOMENTS THAT MADE ME SCREAM IN GAY ECSTASY Siobhan McCarthy forgetting the words to “By the Sea” at the first preview of Sweeney Todd and being fed them by STEPHEN JOSHUA SONDHEIM FROM HIS TABLE. (2/14)

Seeing Mel B as Roxie in Chicago. She was…..not good. I still screamed in gay ecstasy. (2/17)

The Chromolume in Sunday in the Park With George!!!!!!!! (3/2)

Cate Blanchett singing and dancing to “What Is Love” in The Present. Literally Haddaway’s “What Is Love”. Cate Blanchett. (3/17)

Laurie Metcalf’s glove business in A Doll’s House: Part 2. (4/18, 6/13)

The dance party in Charm. (8/31, 9/18)

MOMENTS THAT MADE ME SCREAM AND CRY IN GAY ECSTASY I mean, most every single solitary moment Glenn Close was onstage in Sunset Boulevard but really truly from “Hog Eye?” until the standing ovation at the end of “As If We Never Said Goodbye”. (3/9, 4/12)

“Fuck you, Nora.” (Also file under: MOMENTS MADE ME GENUINELY LAUGH)

Ti Moune’s Sasha-Velour-influenced-entrance in “Why We Tell the Story” in Once On This Island. (11/8, 12/3)

MOMENTS FEATURING THE BEST BELTING OF THE YEAR Grace McLean in Natasha, Pierre.. (Was it belting? Was it screaming? It was perfect.)

“Me and the Sky” from Come From Away. Duh. Also, Jenn Colella’s vocal part during “38 Planes (Reprise)/Somewhere in the Middle of Nowhere”.

Patti LuPone singing “Forever Beautiful” surrounded by portraits of “herself” in War Paint.

Stephanie J. Block tearing into “What Is It About Her?” at MCC’s Miscast. (4/3) (Also file under: MOMENTS THAT MADE ME SCREAM IN GAY ECSTASY)

Alex Newell making the sand shake singing “Mama Will Provide” in Once On This Island.

Jimmy® Awards winner Jai’Len Christine Li Josey taking the Palace Theatre hostage during “Daddy Knows Best” in SpongeBob SquarePants. (11/17, 12/4)

MOMENTS WITH RAIN EFFECTS Preparing for the date in The Glass Menagerie. (2/25)

I think there was one in The Present?? Mostly I remember the loud gunshots and the aforementioned musical number. But there may have been rain too.

INDECENT!!!! I mean come the fuck on!!! That’s THEATRE, HONEY!!! And the thing about Indecent is, like, I want it to be produced everywhere and for everyone on the planet to see it, but shiver imagining some high school doing the final scene with two sophomores twirling around in a blue mylar curtain. But watch the PBS broadcast if you were a fuckface and didn’t see Indecent live!! Art matters! (5/2) (Also file under: MOMENTS THAT MADE ME CRY)

Once On This Island. (And it’s right after you’ve resigned yourself to there being no rain effect which is some real fuckery but makes it THAT much better.)

And then there’s TMOARE (The Mother of All Rain Effects)… O. I saw Cirque du Soleil’s O for the first time this year and have seen it subsequently every night in my dreams. It is.. It just has to be seen to be believed. And there’s going to be a time in the not-so-distant-future (his fingers were bleeding from typing so hard, the keyboard started to crack under the force of his keystrokes) when you’ll be able to see, in the same weekend, if not on the same night, O at the Bellagio and Lady Gaga at the Monte Carlo. And I thought the greatest double bill to come out of 2017 would be the idea of seeing School Girls and The Wolves back-to-back. But if you could see Gaga and O that close.. It would just be.. I don’t even.. You wouldn’t be able to…… Anyway, I move to Vegas December 1st, 2018! (11/10)

MOMENTS WHEN SET CHANGES MADE ME GASP Multiple set changes in the National’s Angels in America that made me think “Literally how big is this stage?? Is it….infinity???” (5/27)

Joe Mantello pushing the back wall open at the end of The Glass Menagerie.

The apartment to hospital shift in Mary Jane. (10/15)

The opening of People, Places, and Things. (I was on the good side, FYI.) (10/24)

The car in Once On This Island. I still close my eyes and think about that and have to bite my bottom lip to stop from shrieking wherever I am.

MOMENTS I WAS IN THE SAME ROOM AS HILLARY CLINTON Cynthia Erivo’s last “I’m Here.” (1/9)

Patti LuPone and Christine Ebersole singing “If I’d Been a Man” on opening night of War Paint. (4/6)

This time at Orso. (6/8)

MOMENTS THE DEFY DESCRIPTION The entirety of Heather Christian’s stunning, unbelievable, bizarre, breathtaking, inspiring masterpiece Animal Wisdom. I don’t even know if it belongs on this list because I don’t know if it was a theatre piece or an exorcism or a therapy session or…what exactly… But what I know for sure is that I’ve never seen anything like it and I never will again. (11/29)

A VERY FEW OF THE BEST MOMENTS IN HELLO, DOLLY (3/15, 4/20, 7/6, 10/6) The house lights going out.

The overture.

Bette’s entrance.

The “I Put My Hand In” shuffle.

“Well, thanks for telling me Cornelius. I often wondered.”

GAVIN CREEL SINGING “OUT THERE”!!!!!!!!!!

The pastel costumes!

The train!!!!!!!!!!!!

The hat shop revolve. (Also file under: MOMENTS WHERE SET CHANGES MADE ME GASP)

Bette rippling.

“Betsy Ross’ flag is passing.”

Bette Midler singing “Before the Parade Passes By” on Broadway.

BETTE MIDLER CATCHING THE BATON SINGING “BEFORE THE PARADE PASSES BY” ON BROADWAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Jennifer Simard’s “Sweet Rosie O’Grady”.

The drop-reveal of Harmonia Gardens!! (Also file under: MOMENTS WHERE SET CHANGES MADE ME GASP)

I mean, the title number, what do you want me to say? I don’t have the energy and you don’t have the time.

Obviously the beets.

Obviously the dumplings.

“So Long, Dearie” in its entirety.

Bette’s final quick change. Down to the tights. (All the tights!!!!! She wears different tights with each outfit!!!)

“Wonderful woman.”

Them singing “Hello, Dolly”. (Also file under: MOMENTS THAT MADE ME CRY)

The curtain call costumes. The rose petals. Bette on the passerelle. (Also file under: MOMENTS THAT MADE ME SCREAM AND CRY IN GAY ECSTASY)

The title drop that comes in at the end.

HONORABLE MENTIONS Jennifer Holliday’s final “Push Da Button” in The Color Purple; The Wolves in its entirety (which was on last year’s list as well and will be on next year’s because I have tickets to see it again in January!); John Mulaney being fucking brilliant in MCC’s benefit reading of Fat Pig; the paper airplane in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory; Nya’s monologue about how much she loves her son in Pipeline; Bob LuPone in The Violin; Bryonah Marie Parham’s “Can’t Help Lovin’ Dat Man” in Prince of Broadway; Phylicia Rashad doing literal choreography in Midsummer Night’s Dream; Jennifer Ehle just existing in Oslo; the goat in Once On This Island. (You didn’t think I was going to leave out the goat, did you??)

[scottgalina]

What I Bought at the 2017 Broadway Flea Market

A green streamer from the Tarzan set

Natalie Merchant’s Ophelia on cassette

Mary Beth Peil’s contact lenses (not from a show or anything, just her old contact lenses)

A Broadway Bear of Rue McClanahan as Morrible

A urinal from the St. James

An original sketch of the set of Bobbi Boland

A Jane Fonda workout VHS

A pierogi from opening night of Natasha, Pierre... (not preserved in any way, it’s actually a little disgusting)

A piece of The Mambo Kings marquee

A snow globe they gave out at the Prymate first rehearsal

A ringlet of Karen Olivo’s “It’s Quiet Uptown” wig

Seven copies of Yentl on DVD

A Frost/Nixon script signed by Beth Fowler (no idea why)

Carole Shelley’s sugar cookie recipe

The seat Beyonce sat in at the Music Box (this one was a whole thing and not particularly legal)

A deodorant stick signed by the original cast of Naked Boys Singing

The suitcase from Bright Star (handheld, not the flying one)

Bubble fluid from The Gazillion Bubble Show

[scottgalina]

BroadwayCon

As thousands of theatre fanatics from across this country descend upon the Javits Center for the second annual BroadwayCon, I’ve decided to publish a list of panels, events, and discussions I pitched to the creators that went un-produced. Here’s hoping we’ll see some (or all) of these at BroadwayCon 2018!

Unafraid to Say “I Love You” In this master class, Scott Galina will walk participants through the art of singing large group songs by yourself. Examples include “It’s All Over” from Dreamgirls, “Goodbye Love” from Rent, and “Tunnel of Love” from Side Show. There will be an emphasis on isolating voices for each character, picking which harmony line to sing, and how to navigate overlapping dialogue.

I'm Not Hearing This: Susan Egan, and Other Impressions I Can Do

Songs I Only Know Because They're in Rock of Ages

The Wizard and Lie: Words Idina Belts on L Moderated by Scott Galina, this group discussion invites participants to contribute their favorite examples of words that don’t start with L but somehow do when Idina sings them. Examples include “I’m lever going back/the past is in the past,” “Look at me low,” and “Do you know what I lnow.”

Why Don't You Go Jump in the Lake, I Will Shove You Under the Goddamn Bed, and Other Insults That Only Work in Musical Theatre

Hit It, John! Participants screen and discuss their favorite Broadway performances from The Rosie O’Donnell Show.

“Miss Glinda” and Other Places to Clap When You See Wicked

Almost Real For two and a half hours, participants will close their eyes as Scott Galina uses guided imagery and the cast recording to recreate the original Broadway production of The Bridges of Madison County using only his words.

Always Starting Over At the End of the Day: Turntables on Broadway

Cynthia as Aida and Other Dream Casts

It's Divine: Listening to the Side Show Original Broadway Cast Recording with Scott Galina

Let It Go Not to be confused with his Idina Menzel discussion, in this master class, Scott Galina isolates moments in every musical and play he’s ever seen that had the potential for full frontal male nudity.

[scottgalina]

Moments in the Woods: My Ultimate Theatre Moments of 2016

In the past, I’ve posted a list of my top-ten theatre moments of the year, in some random order that I decided, but when I looked at the list of what I saw this past year, something about it didn’t lend itself to that format. As such, below you’ll find everything sorted into a few different categories that more accurately represent how they made me feel.

There are a lot of things we don’t know going into 2017 (what songs Gaga will sing at the Super Bowl, when exactly World War III will start, if Susan Egan will have a Chita-in-Chicago-esque cameo in Beauty and the Beast, etc.) but what we know for sure, is that on April 20th, Bette Midler will open Hello, Dolly! at the Shubert Theatre. And if that’s not enough to keep you hanging on, then I don’t know what possibly would be.

MOMENTS MADE ME GENUINELY LAUGH Pretty much the entirety of Oh, Hello, but if I had to narrow it down to something more specific, I would say “Bob Fosse.” (11/30)

Sutton Foster making the sandwich in Sweet Charity. (Also file under: TWO HOURS I SPENT TRYING TO MAKE A LIST OF WORKING TRIPLE THREATS) (12/2)

Too many moments to count in The Robber Bridegroom. Justice for The Robber Bridegroom!!!!! (3/10, 4/13)

Andrea Martin’s phone business in Noises Off. (But also, just all of Noises Off.) (3/11)

The majority of The Wolves. (When it (fingers crossed) transfers to Broadway, can they please include a comprehensive leg stretch guide in the Playbill?) (9/22)

MOMENTS THAT MADE ME CRY The end of Falsettos (which I had never seen before) made me cry so hard I had to stifle a whimper and literally bounce with sobs. (12/8)

Most of the first and the entirety of the second act of Dear Evan Hansen. Just a consistent stream of tears. Needed Gatorade after. (5/26)

All the Chava business in Fiddler on the Roof. (By the way, if you guys ever get me with a few drinks in me, ask me if Bielke’s a lesbian.) (2/24, 12/13)

They do “The Obliterated Place” in Tiny Beautiful Things and it is...unbearable. (11/29)

MOMENTS THAT TOOK MY BREATH AWAY When Brian Stokes Mitchell joined Brandon Victor Dixon to sing “Make Them Hear You” at the end of Ragtime on Ellis Island. (Also file under: MOMENTS THAT MADE ME CRY) (8/8)

“The Ballad of Jane Doe” in Ride The Cyclone was a rare tri-level-gasper (not since The Glitter Vortex in Finding Neverland!). First, the initial lift. Then, the voice mid-flight. THEN, THE FLIPS!!!!!!!! Name something better than a girl singing during a flying effect. No, it’s fine. I’ll wait. (11/9, 12/1)

“The Dance at the Gym” at the gym. (West Side Story at the Knockdown Center, 3/5)

The full company coming up those steps at the beginning of Fiddler on the Roof. I fucking loved Fiddler on the Roof. (2/24, 12/13)

The majority of Bright Star, but let’s just say “If You Knew My Story” for now. (4/29)

Marin Mazzie singing “I’m Still Here” at the CSC Benefit. (3/14)

MOMENTS THAT MADE ME SCREAM IN GAY ECSTASY The Vogue/fashion/runway number/situation in the Radio City Spring Spectacular. (6/23)

The opening moment of War Paint--the lights coming up on Patti LuPone and Christine Ebersole sitting next to each other at make-up vanities. (8/10)

Cheyenne Jackson and Ramin Karimloo singing “Lily’s Eyes” in The Secret Garden concert. (2/21)

Audra McDonald tapping, kicking, and belting during the title song of Shuffle Along. (Also file under: THREE HOURS I SPENT TRYING TO MAKE A LIST OF WORKING TRIPLE THREATS) (4/1)

Karen Olivo singing “Satisfied.” (Also file under: MOMENTS THAT TOOK MY BREATH AWAY) (10/19)

MOMENTS THAT MADE ME SCREAM AND CRY IN GAY ECSTASY Heather Headley walking onstage for her first performance in The Color Purple and LETTING IT FUCKING RIP. (5/10) 

Hearing Rachel Tucker sing the infamous “melt” riff live at the Gershwin. (Also file under: MOMENTS THAT MADE ME GENUINELY LAUGH, MOMENTS THAT MADE ME CRY, MOMENTS THAT TOOK MY BREATH AWAY) (7/27)

MOMENTS I COUNTED ALICE RIPLEY WEARING A NEW WIG IN AMERICAN PSYCHO Four

HONORABLE MENTIONS Jessie Mueller singing “She Used to Be Mine” in Waitress; Jennifer Holliday unhinging her jaw in The Color Purple; Alice Ripley at the toilet in American Psycho; Broadway for Hillary (still waiting to find out if I get my money back); “Wait for Me” from Hadestown; The Last Five Years concert; Phylicia Rashad singing “Beautiful” in Sunday in the Park with George.

[scottgalina]

2016 - BOOKS

[scottgalina]

11/9/16

I didn't plan on writing anything today, but as I was getting ready for bed and thinking about the day in my head it struck me that I should try to get it all down so that a record exists somewhere. (I'm super into Facebook’s On-This-Day thing and the TimeHop app so it’s more for me than any gay millennial time capsule Logo is accepting submissions for.)

I don't keep a diary and I love attention so I'm posting it here.

I really thought she was going to win. Last election all the polls said Obama was going to win and he won. All the polls said she was going to win so I did what I do when I'm excited--planned what I was going to eat.

We ordered pizza to eat as we watched the results come in. The plan was to eat until we were almost full and then when we were waiting for her speech (acceptance speech?) we were going to heat up chocolate chip cookies and put scoops of vanilla ice cream on them. Fuck calories. (There was also white wine.) And then suddenly she wasn't winning and I didn't have an appetite. As the results got worse and worse I compulsively checked Twitter, but refused to check Instagram. It seemed like one was a necessity and the other was frivolous nonsense. I’m weird, what can I say?

I went to sleep at 1:00 a.m. It didn't look good for her but I still thought I was going to wake up to find out that once everyone reported all their votes she’d have won. I couldn't go to sleep accepting that she’d lost.

I woke up at 5:00 a.m. and hit the home button on my phone which was flat on my night table. The brightness was all the way up and the way it hit my ceiling filled the room with light. I swiped up to try to turn the brightness down without looking at the screen but it opened the camera so I had to keep futzing around with it until I said “GODDAMNIT” out loud. Finally I looked and saw all the New York Times notifications that came in overnight. She didn't win.

It's dramatic and if anyone else said it I’d stop reading what they wrote IMMEDIATELY, but the only way I can describe it is to say I felt sadness in my soul.

I guess I scrolled through Twitter for a little and then somehow willed myself back to sleep until 7:30 a.m. Usually I listen to pop music and showtunes in the shower and while I get ready but I felt like I couldn't do that in good conscience this morning. I listened to the song “Joanne” on repeat and at a low volume because it somehow felt appropriate? I don't know.

I didn't do my hair because it felt vain and I knew I wanted to wear black because I'm fucking gay and things like that matter to me, so I did.

So many people have described it already, but there was this palpable feeling of despair that filled my Manhattan-bound train. You could see the looks on people’s faces that said “Did that really just happen?” And the next line wasn't “Have I actually understood.” It was quiet and it was overwhelmingly sad.

At some point during the fifth or sixth “Joanne”, I got two texts from my mom: “Call me when you can. I can't even get out of bed.” And that's the first time I cried today. I cried because I knew my mom couldn't even get out of bed because she was worried about me. She was worried about what our new president meant for me. But I never worried about that. That's not what this was about.

I've never been ignorant to the fact that the winner of this election would probably not have a major impact on my day-to-day life. I don't see our president-elect carrying out a lot of things he's promised. There will not be a wall built. His running mate isn’t sending me to a fucking conversion camp. But there will be hate. There will be a top-down directive to hate. And to be afraid. And to act upon your fear. And there's some 16-year-old gay kid in Kentucky that's going to bear the brunt of that. Some girl who's going to debate putting on her hijab in the morning when she's getting ready for school. I wanted my mom--and everyone--to not be able to get out of bed for them. And yet here we all were on the W train because, as promised, the sun came up no matter what and we all had to go to work.

And I was embarrassed because I had tears streaming down my face on this crowded train and I was wiping them away trying to see if people were looking at me or if I was in the clear and I caught this girl’s eye on the other side of the train. And I swear she nodded at me. And, of course, that just made me cry harder. So eventually I pulled it together and switched my iTunes over to a full catalog shuffle because I realized that “Joanne” wasn't exactly helping matters. (Linda Eder’s “Unusual Way” was the first thing to come on, which was nice.)

When I got off the train and went upstairs I called my mom because I knew I had to and the longer I waited would just make it worse. So I stood there in Times Square and started crying while it rang and then really let loose once she picked up. And we talked and I told her who I was upset for and I got her to be upset for them too.

Once we hung up I stood a little longer and cried some more. Tried to get it all out. I cried for Hillary. Hillary who I voted for because I love and passionately wanted to be our president--not just to not vote for her opponent; not because I thought she was the lesser of two evils. I thought about the fact that someone else was going to be our first female president and, though I know I’ll be over the moon at the time, it made me cry that it won’t be Hillary Clinton.

Eventually I got myself to work and sat at my computer and cried a few more times. I cried when I saw Lady Gaga holding the “Love Trumps Hate” sign hanging off the garbage truck; not because it was Gaga but because love does trump hate. Somehow it didn’t on November 8th, but I have to believe that it does. I cried when people started tweeting quotes from Hillary’s concession speech; when I saw the pictures of her in purple delivering it. I knew I couldn’t handle watching it and I still haven’t yet. Eventually I’ll watch. Late at night and under the covers. And then I’ll cry some more. I cried thinking about all the times we’re going to see our new president’s face. All the times we’ll have to see our new first lady. The inauguration, the speeches, the state dinners, the talk show interviews. It’s petty, but I can’t stand the sight of them. I cried because I cannot believe that she’s not going to be our president.

At some point I stopped crying and did my work. I tried to limit how much I was checking in on Facebook and Twitter. It was a lot of the same, and one of the things that really echoed in my brain the whole day is what a bubble I live in. I work in the arts. I got to leave work today to see a matinee. There aren’t a lot of things that someone who works in a factory in Kansas and I have in common. People had reasons for voting the way they did that I’ll never understand. I hope that they feel they made the right choice and if they were driven to elect someone who has never held office in any capacity to be leader of the free world, I hope their lives are made better for it. I’m still in shock and disbelief that it happened.

I don’t know what the point of writing this was. I haven’t been writing towards an ending. It hasn’t even been 24 hours since he’s been elected and it seems like I’ve felt every emotion that I have access to. I’ve been trying--as I’m sure you all have--to not be angry, but it’s not easy. I’m really fucking angry. And sad and mad and hurt. I’m happy that it was a close race; that he didn’t win in a landslide. I’m proud to say that I voted for Hillary Clinton. And I’m anxious as we head into this new way of living.

I could tell you all how important it is right now to spread love and light. To smile. To find silver linings and positives, but all your Facebook friends are saying that better than I can. They’re all right and we should. We have to. Because this will all be too unbearable any other way. We should donate money to charities that share our values. We should keep retweeting suicide prevention hotline numbers because you never who it’ll reach. We should keep seeing movies and watching TV and writing rambling blog posts about how we feel.

At the end of the day my mom texted me again. “How are you doing?”

I said “I’m dealing.” Which I am.

[scottgalina]

The Fourth Debate: Questions I Still Have

Believe it or not, I completely forgot the election was this Tuesday. I’ve been meaning to make up my mind, but the truth is I still haven’t decided who I’m going to vote for. It just feels to me like the candidates are so similar and without knowing their views on certain topics, I don’t feel like I can really make an informed decision.

I’m not saying that any of the moderators did a bad job (I know Martha Raddatz will be one of the first people to read this), but here are some questions I would have asked if I had had the chance to moderate a debate:

Secretary Clinton, who was your first Elphaba? Mr. Trump, same question.

Mr. Trump, I’d like to ask about what the first 100 days of a Donald Trump presidency would look like. Specifically, do you think Natalie Portman or Emma Stone will win the Oscar for Best Actress?

Secretary Clinton, many Americans’ fears are at an all time high as they look towards the future. What can you say to assure them that the film adaptation of A Little Life is in the right hands?

Secretary Clinton, what position have you guaranteed Michelle Obama in your cabinet? Is it her choice? Should we institute a monarchy and crown her queen?

Mr. Trump, what will it take for you to release your tax returns and VH1 to release all of the “Liza and David” footage it has?

Secretary Clinton, who is your favorite shark on “Shark Tank”? Mr. Trump, same question.

Mr. Trump, many have been critical of your running mate, Mike Pence’s, support of conversion therapy for LGBT youth. What do you have to say to those thousands of teens across the country who are struggling both with their sexuality and planning affordable trips to New York to see Bette Midler as Dolly Gallagher Levi?

Secretary Clinton, Mr. Trump has consistently brought up the 30,000 emails deleted from your personal server. What are the chances that the American people will find out what those emails contained and that Gypsy with Barbra will be made?

Mr. Trump, though you’ve been very critical of President Obama on a myriad of issues, do you agree with the common belief held by many that the crowning achievement of his presidency was the Kennedy Center Honors’ tribute to Barbara Cook? If not that, then what?

Secretary Clinton, a common criticism is that Americans don’t find you trustworthy. What is your response to those people and also the people who are wondering whether Beyonce will join Lady Gaga at the Super Bowl for the first ever live performance of “Telephone”?

Mr. Trump, I’d like to bring up Rosie O’Donnell. This isn’t a question as much as it’s a statement. Rosie O’Donnell built an entire generation of gay men, lesbians, and the friends who took them to prom with her bare hands. I live and breathe for Rosie. Rosie is my religion. Rosie brought Taboo to America which is more than you’ve ever given us. When I was in elementary school I would set the VCR to record “The Rosie O’Donnell Show” every day. My mom let me stay home from kindergarten the day Barbra was on her show for the first time. I watched every episode of Rosie on “The View”--both seasons. I watched every episode of “The Rosie Show” on OWN. Until the last breath you take you should be groveling at Rosie’s feet, begging her for her forgiveness. You should give Rosie’s Broadway Kids as many of the millions of dollars you claim to have as you can until you have just enough to live. I hope that for the rest of your life Rosie’s is the first face you see when you wake up and the last face you see before you go to sleep. I hope she consumes your every waking moment. I hope she haunts you. [The audience roars. It takes two and a half minutes for them to settle down.] Care to respond?

Moving on. Secretary Clinton, though the economy has gone up during President Obama’s two terms in office, many Americans are still not confident. Wouldn’t a proper Spice Girls reunion tour featuring all five members both raise spirits and create job opportunities (tour crew, security, bootleg t-shirt makers, platform shoe designers, etc.)?

I don’t care who you’re all voting for (I so care who you’re all voting for) but I do care that you all exercise your right to vote on Tuesday (or before)! Use your voice! Make it count! And, do your homework. Make the right decision. And lemme know if you have any questions.

[scottgalina]

The First Lady

Wednesday, November 5, 2028

Dear diary,

It happened. He won! John was actually elected today. Or was it yesterday? I guess technically it was yesterday since it’s after midnight. I'm so fucking tired I can't even see straight. I'm so happy this whole thing is over; I've only gotten to watch the first three episodes of The Gooder Wife on Netflix. (Alicia's a grandma! Congrats Zach and Nisa!) I swear I could sleep for a week straight!

Tired as I am, it’s all very exciting. Just the idea of making history in such a remarkable way. Who ever thought this country would actually elect an out gay man? The leader of the free world is a homo!! (I have to remember to stop saying that.) When we were going over the numbers yesterday (Two days ago? Monday.) we knew it would be close. I could hardly sleep thinking about what it would be like if he lost. On a national level, what would that mean? Would that set our community back? Would he want to run again in four years? Surely there would be bottom jokes in the press. And then personally, what do you say to your husband when he loses the presidential election? "I'm sorry?" "Better luck next time?" Make a bottom joke? I'm so happy to not have to figure it out.

Even thinking about the inauguration gives me diarrhea. My event planning experience is spotty at best--my bar mitzvah and picking a balloon arch from the Stumps catalog for the eighth grade dance. (I was student council president. So I’m slightly familiar with what it takes to hold office.) How many balls are there? Ten, I think. Do I have to plan all of them? It would be kind of fun to play Coke and Pepsi at one, but I have a feeling that won’t happen. Maybe we can do the Hora? Although, the gay thing might be enough for everyone. I don’t think we need a picture of two Marys in yarmulkes being held up on chairs on all of the front pages tomorrow. I’m assuming someone will get in touch with me about planning them. I don’t have to take any initiative on that, right?

Speaking of, now I have to start thinking about what my initiative is going to be. I was putting it off because I thought it might jinx things, but I’d really like to hit the ground running in January. John said it can’t be getting Academy Award history added to the core curriculum. Weed’s legal, so it can’t be that. I want it to be something fun. Something I can get celebrities involved in, like when Michelle Obama did the dance at that high school with Beyonce. This will be a great excuse to become friends with Gaga. I think I’d like to do something involving Broadway. (Speaking of, it’ll probably be easier to get tickets to Hamilton now, am I right, diary??? Do I have to pay for those? Serious question. Is everything free for me? How does that even work?)

Another thing on my to-do list is figure out what I want to be called. I guess First Gentleman like Bill was. I was joking in the campaign office like “Can’t I just be First Lady?” And then when no one laughed I said “Or what about First Fag?” which did NOT make things better. I mean, lighten the fuck up people! That was about a week’s worth of HR meetings. John wasn’t thrilled, to say the least.

I’m nervous about meeting my Chief of Staff. I hope I get to interview the candidates, but I don’t want to seem too fussy, so I haven’t brought it up yet. This person is going to know EVERYTHING about me, so I hope it’s someone I like. The whole “no privacy” things is freaking me out a little. I’m trying to accept the fact that there will be approximately 15 people who know that I’m pooping every time I’m pooping. (I’m scared I’m going to forget that and end up reading some New Yorker profile and seem like I was taking a 20 minute shit.) But what about when I want to sing in the car? Or have to Nair my back? Sometimes it feels like I can’t talk to John about these things because it makes him think that I’m not excited for him, which I am! It’s just a big life change and I value my alone time and privacy.

To be honest, diary, I do worry about people finding out we met on Grindr. So far we’ve been good sticking to the whole “set up on a blind date by friends” thing, but I’m scared that one day I’ll slip. God, that would piss him off. I already feel bad enough about the tape of me singing all three verses of “Truffle Butter” leaking. (Hope someone made a pretty penny off of that.) And I know I didn’t make things better when I told the hosts of The View I would kill myself if they didn’t make the Wicked movie soon. (I hadn’t slept the night before!!! I was so excited to finally be on The View!!!!) But if everyone found out how we really met, that would probably be worse than both of those things combined.

OH FUCK. YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST REALIZED? I have to switch over to a government phone and laptop now, right? There’s no way I don’t. So what happens if I want to look at things I technically shouldn’t be? (I’m more worried about bootlegs than porn, to be honest.) Do I have to get a separate, non-government computer? Is that how Hillary got into trouble? Ugh, I wish I got more into politics before I started dating John.

This is all a lot to think about.

But, I should go to sleep. We have an interview with a hologram of Barbara Walters first thing in the morning.

Here we go!!!!

Love,

Scott Galina, the First Fag

P.S. - DO I GET TO PICK WHO GETS THE KENNEDY CENTER HONORS?!

[scottgalina]

2015 - BOOKS

[scottgalina]

Moments in the Woods: My Top Ten Theatre Moments of 2015

Welp! 2015 is done! Remember life before “25″? Anyway, here’s a list of my favorite things that I saw this year (with honorable mentions for things I didn’t have room for). As a reminder, to my knowledge Lady Gaga still has not seen Hamilton. Hopefully it will run into the new year!

Here’s to 2016, which will bring AUDRA MCDONALD in a NEW MUSICAL. Sleep easy!!!!!!!!

10. THE KING AND I (3/12, 4/16, 9/24) Of course there are other reasons to see The King and I (Ruthie Ann Miles, the boat, that stage) but if you don’t see it before Kelli O’Hara leaves, you’re a real dunce and I can’t help you. I mean, those dresses!!!! Her eyes!!!! That voooiiiccceeeee. National. Fucking. Treasure.

9. CAROUSEL (4/19) This one kind of speaks for itself. Steven Pasquale singing “Soliloquy.” Not gonna get much better than that in this life.

8. THE GLITTER EFFECT IN FINDING NEVERLAND (4/15) Not much to say about this without spoiling things (for anyone who doesn’t know how Finding Neverland ends) but, I’ll try. When this effect first starts it’s like “Oh, cool.” And then it’s like “Oh, sad.” And then it’s like “Oh, WAIT.” And then it’s like “Oh, WOOORRKKK. Oh, YAAAASSSS. Oh, SLLLAAAAYYYYYYY.” And then it’s like “Oh, very sad.” I think that about sums it up.

7. WICKED (9/15, 9/22) Never has the line “happy is what happens when your dreams come true” been more accurate than when they were sung at Rachel Tucker’s first performance as Elphaba in Wicked on B R O A D W A Y. There’s so much to say but I just don’t have the words in my vocabulary. Who ever thought we’d see the day?? I guess God knew; but who else?! (Joe Mantello.) This woman’s voice is so singular and so amazing that it’s like “How are you real?? Wait, are you real??? Who can sing like that?!” I’ve heard rumors that she’s done the infamous “melt” riff onstage at the Gershwin. I haven’t seen it for myself (I mean, duh, I’m sitting up and typing this), but if that’s true, we’re really not safe. Because that is fucking LETHAL. I don’t know if anyone’s ever said this, but you can quote me on it: “Run, don’t walk, to see Wicked.”

6. THE WIZ (12/3) Yes, this counts because it was a live event in 2015 and it took place on a stage. You guys. I am still not over The Wiz. HOW FUCKING GOOD WAS THE WIZ?! It’s just factual. The Wiz was so fucking good. I have watched it so many times and it never gets less exciting. The poppies and the singing and the vogue-ing and that new song and the costumes. And Shanice!!!!!!!! Who could deal?!

5. THE COLOR PURPLE (11/16, 12/10) I wrote something like this after I first saw this revival of The Color Purple, but I feel it’s important to reiterate. There is no way to prepare yourself for this production. You say: “I get it. It’s Jennifer Hudson’s Broadway debut. She has such a great voice and I already know the story. And isn’t that girl from Orange is the New Black in it? I’m ready.” No, you stupid fuckface, you’re not. You’ll never be ready. If I lived to be 150 I wouldn’t have been ready. The Color Purple answers the question “What happens when you take all the best voices on Broadway, put them in one place, give them an amazing story and a score that soars, make sure they each have a chair and a place to hang it, and then at the end Cynthia Erivo sings ‘I’m Here’?” The answer is: MURDER SCOTT GALINA. It’s like, do NOT see this show if you value your life but also, you can NOT miss this show if you value your life. I leave it to you to decide.

4. INVISIBLE THREAD (12/1, 12/6) Here’s who this wasn’t one of the best theatre experiences of 2015 for: the people who sat next to me at Invisible Thread. You guys. I didn’t really know this, but I can crrryyyyy. Nay, SOB. I mean, woof. This show really got me. There are many injustices in the world (Steven Avery’s life sentence, gay men not being allowed to donate blood, Kony, etc.) but there would be none greater than Invisible Thread not getting a cast recording. 

3. THE ORIGINALS (Hedwig and the Angry Inch: 1/21, Into the Woods: 6/21, Little Shop of Horrors: 7/2) Here’s a fact: 2015 was the year I sat in theatres and saw John Cameron Mitchell sing “The Origin of Love,” Bernadette Peters sing “Last Midnight,” and Ellen Greene sing “Suddenly Seymour.” I’m not particularly religious, but that is one strong argument that there is a God and he is a real fucking fairy. What we--as a nation of gay men--did to deserve such blessings I won’t dare to guess, I will only bow my head and say “To God be the glory.”

2. THE LEGEND OF GEORGIA MCBRIDE (8/20, 9/9, 10/3, 10/11) Fun fact about The Legend of Georgia McBride: I was the universal swing but never got a chance to go on. UGGGHHHHH THIS SHOW WAS SO GOOD. I fucking loved seeing this show. I could have seen it so many more times if I had enough time and people stopped complaining about how loudly I was reciting lines in the house. Sometimes whence I close mine eyes at night, I just pick certain parts to relive and it makes me smile. I wish you all got to see it because it was so lovely and uplifting and fun. I miss it.

1. HAMILTON (2/15, 3/28, 8/6, 8/25, 11/19) Look, you’re not going to hear anything from me that you haven’t heard from anyone else. The show is really really really fucking good. I don’t really know what to say beyond that. There’s belting, there’s a turntable, and it’s at the Richard Rodgers. It’s just like If/Then!!!!! What more could you want? I just typed out “Let’s break down the best parts” but it’s like, you don’t have the time and I don’t have the energy. I will say that the three parts I find most particularly relentless are “Right Hand Man” into “Helpless” into “Satisfied,” “Take a Break” into “Say No to This” into “The Room Where It Happens,” and “Hurricane” into “The Reynolds Pamphlet” into “Burn.” I mean those sections are like real overload in a show that’s already real overload. 

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Chita Rivera’s entrance in The Visit; the sound design of the Spring Awakening revival; watching Cicely Tyson walk in The Gin Game; the strobe, balloons, and milk in Lazarus at NYTW; Steven Pasquale singing “What is It About Her?” in The Wild Party at City Center; Jayne Houdyshell talking about refugees and e-mails in The Humans; how AMAZING the food Carey Mulligan cooked in Skylight smelled; Kristine Nielsen looking out at the lake at the end of What I Did Last Summer at Signature; “A Musical” in Something Rotten; getting to see The Bridges of Madison County again; the Bombshell reunion concert; the men’s capes in Wolf Hall; the three times in 2015 I got to see Idina Menzel in If/Then

[scottgalina]

Thankful (Kelly Clarkson album) - Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia (2015)

Cynthia Erivo singing “I’m Here”

Episodes of Shark Tank with Lori and Barbara

The story in Grace Jones’ memoir about going to Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver’s wedding with Andy Warhol

Leah Remini’s Scientology press tour

The end of “Take a Break” when they’re just SCREAMING at each other

Every single solitary word of A Little Life

The Vine of the woman screaming in the Apple Store

The idea of Zayn and Gigi being a thing

Howard Ashman

Rachel Tucker playing Elphaba on Broadway

The way she sings “I’m so mad I’m getting old” in “When We Were Young”

The high note in “When We Were Young”

“When We Were Young”

Broadway

Christine Baranski’s wardrobe on this season of The Good Wife. Lots of baubles.

Imagining what Barbra and Gaga talked about at dinner that night

Idina singing “Always Starting Over” eight times a week again

The American Ambassador on Narcos

Any product Jennifer Aniston endorses

Nyle DiMarco

“Cool for the Summer” which I’ve only recently gotten into for some reason

The Legend of Georgia McBride

Patti LaBelle’s nails

Ursula. Still.

That picture of Liza and Princess Diana

The entire second season of The Comeback

Barnes and Noble

Geneva Carr in Hand to God

“I Want Your Love”

But also just Lady Gaga in general

The phrase “Tony Award winner Kelli O’Hara”

The upside-down smiley face Emoji

Betsy Wolfe singing “Let It Sing”

Kelly Clarkson not giving a FUCK

That scene between Audra and Meryl in Ricki and the Flash

Ellen Greene still fitting into her original Audrey dress

Key changes

Tigris in The Hunger Games

Lesley Stahl’s hair

That woman who ran the marathon with her period