scrapethesebarnacles - Tumblr blog

[scrapethesebarnacles]

Some days I still have the itch do like. a big-sibling-storytime for littles. I don’t know -- spending time with ex-partner while they were tiny was like. the one thing I actually got to do kink-wise so far and I miss it. I liked having that time with somebody, and the few others I’ve spent time with I enjoyed as well.

it’s not really practically possible. I have no privacy to do audio or video, don’t think I’d be comfortable on camera, have no idea where I’d put it anyway, don’t know anyone who is a tiny at this point, wouldn’t know how to reach out to anyone, and would probably suck at keeping up with it. but. sometimes I want to.

or like. one of those cheesey-sweet blogs that post love and positivity and talk to people on tumblr, but again, would suck at breaking into the community to talk to anyone, and would probably fail to keep up as is.

i don’t know. I think I just want to make someone’s day better or something. and it’s the one kind of kink that doesn’t require someone to deal with my shit in some way, and. I don’t know. it’s not gonna happen. but I’m thinking about it again.

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you have never been all that interested in history but sometimes you think about allegiance and fealty like it’s the name of the gaping hole you feel in your chest your mouth is full of oaths with no one to pledge them to

what you want is to give yourself away but that’s a two-part offer, and somebody has to be willing to receive

and when i say you, what i mean, of course, is i, i, i, i but it’s easier, isn’t it, to remind ourselves while pretending it’s somebody else easier, to try and say it like it hurts a little less–

what you want is for someone to peel you apart into atoms and put you back together better what you want is to be owned but darling, you’re a lot that no one’s bidding on. nobody wants that job anymore.

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Anyway I am mostly just here to. Have Feelings in a private corner again where I don’t have to feel like I’m making people deal with them, because they won’t go away.

I want. I Want. I want to feel wanted. I know I am loved, but not wanted. Not desired, just... chosen.

I want to act. I want to do things that I have wanted to try for so long that the feeling is a constant thickness at the back of my throat.

I want to stop feeling bitter that other people, people who were once mine and who once called me theirs, no longer are and no longer do, but have other people to have that with, while I have nothing. Unowned and unowning.

I want to know who and what I am. Watching discussions for a couple of days that stir up that what-am-I all over again, but I don’t know. I don’t even know some days if there is a me to be it. I feel so insubstantial. I feel alone. I feel like I’m making it all up for attention. I feel wrong, all the time.

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My body taught me to be tender / I want a new one. / I want fangs. / A jaw with hinges wide as spite and no learned musings of a conscience.

Alison Kronstadt, Bred In Captivity

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Bridget O’Bernstein, “HOW TO BE A BODY”

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The intimacy of letting someone hurt you~

They hurt you to show affection, and you take it to show your affection, and you’re both grateful to one another for the experience, and neither of you would push the other to do something they’re not okay with because you have mutual love and respect for one another~

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Things I am coming to realize I might have a thing about and should deal with or at least consider eventually, a brief list:

Mindreading, especially when paired with humiliation, depersonalization, and/or being treated like a pet

Fearplay

Pregnancy??? But really really not impregnating, just the most fucking ridiculous domestic hands-resting-protectively-on-bellies talking-to-your-stomach-and-giving-it-my-love shit. I’m not even sure what side of this this thing is for and I am baffled to realize it may have been a thing for a while.

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like maybe this renewed swell of desire for somebody to just tie me up and pet me and tell me what to do is just the lack of intimacy sneaking up on me again because it’s now been about eleven months since I’ve had that but I don’t remember my pre-living-with-partner desire being this visceral

and I still haven’t actually done anything so it’s not missing it in that way, it’s just wanting it to a point that I don’t think I’ve ever felt so strongly before

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i want to be pushed against the wall with a hand around my throat

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It’s all about you

• When I punish you, it’s ‘cause you did something that is not good for yourself

• When I give you rules to follow, it’s to help you take care of yourself if I’m busy or too far to do it myself

• When I say “no”, I want you to know that I’m stopping you from doing something that would be bad for you

• When I get jealous of you, it’s ‘cause I can’t believe someone else could take better care of you than myself

• When I text and call you in the middle of the night, I do it ‘cause I need to verify that you’re safe. Your monsters may be under the bed, but mine are all in my head

• When I don’t let you cum, it’s ‘cause I know you’ll feel even more delighted next time, or when I finally allow you to

• When I spank you, it’s ’cause I know you like it. You like to bem reminded that you’re mine and mine only

• When I cuddle with you, it’s ’cause you deserve all the attention I can give all

• When I make you eat something you don’t really like, it’s ‘cause it will be good for your health

• When I say you must take your medicine, it’s ‘cause all I want is to see you recovered and well

• When I hold you so tight you feel like I may break your bones... Well, maybe it’s for myself. I need to make myself believe that you’re real and is really with me.

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Guys you think so

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full of a desperate, lonely wanting tonight, and listening to the song i stole the username from on repeat, because it’s jabbing into that need and that’s the closest i can get to fulfilling it right now

scrape these barnacles, i am utterly yours take my lack of control and swallow it whole break my excuses to leave over your bony knees and scrub the sweat away, make me clean please pull the bad dreams out of me

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how beautiful it would be if you’d ruin me with your hands

thoughts #461 | r.m (via rmeisel)

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Of course, now that I’m trying to find the posts that got my brain going and made me consider making a place to keep and think about things.... I can only find one or two of them.

And somehow going deep into people’s archives for one or two specific posts actually feels more awkward than massively reblogging from them.

This is going to annoy me.

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Honestly, I just want to be cute and little and dumb... Like a pet or a doll who shouldn't try to be funny or smart or independent and just needs to be pretty and trained to do as I'm told and be used. No opinions or boundaries about anything people want to do with me, just an empty-headed doll

honestly it’s just nice to not think and not be responsible for a bit

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Let’s watch horror films and fuck