screamsintovoid

[screamsintovoid]

Forbidden Things

‘Censored’ is the word

that rolls out of their tongues

when they see two men holding hands;

‘Haram’ for a woman who lights up a cigarette

or chooses to indulge in

one-night stands.

“Sshh. Don’t talk about that”

They say when a man describes that

he just had his heart broken,

Impermissible is a term for visible bra straps

or girls sitting with their legs open.

Shame is what they use

when a woman leaves her husband

who cracked her head;

Taboo is the word that covers up

things that happen in bed.

Condemned is for people

who talk about mental illness

Ruled out is for an incident of rape

even after it was witnessed. 

Weak, gross, effeminate

are for a man who likes make-up

No sharp objects in your 

cabbin baggage

perhaps the only veto that holds up.

And then they tell me that

I can’t marry a man 

who doesn’t belong to my caste

I am prohibited from having a choice

because our lifestyles are a sharp contrast.

“No good can come out of this,” 

they say

“He will only do you harm”

What they don’t know is that

forbidden things have a secret charm.

We’ll fight for us with everything we’ve got

Nothing can make us sway;

They aren’t aware that

they cannot prevent the waves

from meeting the shore

day after

day. 

[screamsintovoid]

Rubies & Sapphires

You see bubbles on the surface

in the pot of rasam that is boiling on the stove

Standing in the kitchen, when she comes

and tells you that you probably forgot to add turmeric

Or that you should always add salt only in the end

By doing this, she trusts you to find your own way and

yet keeps a hold on you

You are agitated by the contradiction

of this relationship

I’m only looking out for you,

she says. I don’t want the same struggle

that hardened me, I want you to learn that

I caved and gave up my medical practice

So that I could raise your brother and you

Not that I ever regret it, I would give it up

a hundred times over, to see you both taking

your first footsteps, or spilling a whole jar

of detergent and smiling naughtily

Sweet girl, the world is harsh and jagged

where only the strong make it

You have to be a wall of cement

and always be prepared for people

Who try to tear you down

I don’t praise you so that you won’t see yourself

as valuable only when men compliment you

I reprimand you when you fail so that

You will never allow someone to shame you

for your imperfections

I tell you that my times were tougher

so that your problems will not scare you

And you can tackle them head on

But Ma, you say

What if it was okay to slow down

and grieve when sadness takes over

What if it’s okay to share your opinions

about abortion with me, and ask me for mine

What if you would compliment my saree wearing skills

and ask me questions about the boy I am interested in

Over a cup of tea

If we could set aside our mother-daughter roles for a while

And giggle like friends over silly pictures

What if you didn’t have to show me that you are strong

All the time, and maybe open your mind

to the concept of a river

slowly eroding a mountain day by day

instead of lightning striking it once fiercely

The core element of both rubies and sapphires

is Corundum. Isn’t it funny that

we both have the same core

and can still be

so different during adversity?

You are angry, headstrong and hostile

While I can be calm, pleasing and easy

Silly girl, she smirks

You don’t have enough chromium

And you change so easily

The trace amount of impurities in your core

make your colours varied

You smile back and say

How great is it that

Impurities can also produce magnificent results

You both nod and come to realise that

In a very long time, you have agreed on something

That both of you shine in different ways.

[screamsintovoid]

Alternate Universe

Goodbye.

Now is not your time to say

Things will get better

Whether you make each day count or not

You can keep going, it won’t matter

Hoping for something sucks

You no longer feel that

Great things can happen to you

Because your heart knows that

Everything is not going to be okay,

And it is foolish to believe that 

The universe is sending you signs. 

[screamsintovoid]

10 types of photographs everyone has taken in their lives

The Ground-Up Tree Shot:

You look up at the sky and spot a tree with spread out branches and leaves, as opposed to the regular concrete skyline. You take a picture, and this is the one which makes you feel so small, yet so appreciative of something so huge above your head.

The Sunset at the Beach:

Your back is to the camera. The waves are gently seducing your feet and your toes are sinking slowly into the sand. You’re either reminiscing an old flame, wondering if you could move to the coast, or thinking about how to make this moment eternal.

The Family Shot:

It’s someone’s wedding. Standing on stage for a picture can depend on height order, how much you cherish the happy couple, colour co-ordination of costumes, or simply how well you can arrange 36 people in 3 rows before the focus lights blind you.

The Polaroid:

Revisiting an old technique of polarising light through transparent plastic, to get an instant picture. The extra effort used for fanning the plastic vigorously makes the memory more special. 

The Black and White:

Definitely a portrait. Of an old woman who sells flowers at the corner of your lane. Because there are such less colours to distract you, you concentrate on the picture to uncover some mystery or a hidden emotion. 

The picture you didn’t take:

All those mental images of moments which were so magnificent that you were busy living them; like the time you dressed up for drinks with your friends, the time you drove by a beautiful church in a foreign country, the time you were watching fireworks by the harbour, or when a puppy stole your slippers on the beach and started running. They were etched into your memory and a picture couldn’t do justice to them anyway. 

[screamsintovoid]

28 Life Lessons at 28

I’m writing this post at 28.5 instead of right before turning 28, hoping that the 0.5 added some extra value. 

1. Move. Run, swim, dance, walk, climb, stretch - but move your body regularly. 

2. Make a cup of tea/coffee and sit with your parents, even if it’s for 15 minutes. You don’t have to talk. You don’t have to disagree about politics. Just sit with them. Preferably early in the morning.

3. Cry. In the shower with the water running, in bed when everyone has called it a day, or in your car at the traffic signal. Give yourself the chance to purge. 

4. Sit alone at a hole in the wall cafe and order yourself a cup of hot chocolate. Drink it slowly, while observing people around you. 

5. Isolate yourself every once in a while from all the background noise. Messages, notifications, Instagram, emails. You won’t miss out on much, and you’ll come back fresher. 

6. Sleep for a minimum of 7 hours. This is non-negotiable. Remember when you barely caught a few winks and showed up at important events, being cranky? Yeah. That has to stop.

7. Work isn’t everything. It keeps your tummy full and pays the bills. Find your productive time, finish your tasks and get the hell out of office. Make memories outside. 

8. Learn essential skills like how to pay the taxes, save money, fix a car tire, jump start the car battery with cables, and check blood pressure. 

9. Make plans for the future - it can be as specific as picking out the chest of drawers that you want to keep in your future room. But remember that life doesn’t go as planned. Improvise and adapt. (Probably replace the chest of drawers with a storage bed)

10. Tell your significant other that you love them, often. Even when you don’t like them so much. Especially when you’re finding it hard to like them. They need it.

11. For fuck’s sake, learn how to make at least 5 proper meals, from scratch. Takeout with pizza and beer was cool in college.

12. Be direct and honest while having a conversation with others. Say no firmly but gently. 

13. Cancel plans on occasion. Sit in with yourself and do something that requires minimum energy.

14. Find that one thing that you really enjoy and do it more often. Singing, playing an instrument, painting, or watching war documentaries. 

15. Learn new languages. Watch movies in foreign languages and laugh at how little you’ve learned/can understand.

16. Keep your girl gang close. They’ll be your safety net when nobody else can. Do the same for them.

17. Dress up with no agenda. Not to look good for an event, just to impress yourself. Take pictures.

18. Always eat a meal before drinking. And never, ever, EVER drive home drunk. 

19. Save up and attend a live performance by your favourite musician. Allow yourself to get moved by their music in real time.

20. Eat cake. You need to treat yourself every now and then, because others are not going to do it for you always.

21. Surprise the important people in your life with small gestures or gifts. Pay attention when they talk about their favourite author and send them over a book, just because.

22. Keep flowers pressed in your old textbooks. Open them once in a while and run your fingers through them.

23. Invest in a good jacket, and a few pairs of good shoes. 

24. Play with your hair. Chop it, colour it, grow it out, shave it off completely. 

25. Spend more time at the beach. Swim in the salty water. Let the sun touch you and give you a tan.

26. Plan a spontaneous date with your partner or your friends. Pack a picnic basket with sandwiches and go to a park, or visit the local art gallery and museum.

27. Write in your journal more. Write down how you felt after someone broke your heart. Write down things that you want to remember. 

28.  Live on your own in a different city or country at least once in your life. Manage a house, pay the rent, cook for yourself, fix the taps and have friends over.

[screamsintovoid]

Hugs.

When I was a child no more than 5 years old, my father hugged me very often. His hugs showed genuine loving.

My mother and I rarely embrace each other, and if I am lucky enough, her hugs are brief and affectionate.

My best friend hugs me on my birthdays, during the times I have grieved, when I moved out of the city we both were living in, and other happy occasions. Her hugs have always been soft and tight.

My first boyfriend swooped me up in bear-like and powerful hugs.

I hugged a man once, who I could never have. It was brief but embarrassingly intimate.

I hugged the man who severed my heart. It was final, quick and fierce. 

I hugged my brother when he became a father. It was warm and sincere.

My other best friend in the other city I lived in, hugged me when we got drunk. It was wholehearted.

A man who was a friend of my roommate’s, hugged me even when I didn’t ask for it. It was scary, awkward and uncomfortable.

I sometimes hug my grandmother. It’s always nice and cozy.

I also once hugged someone I looked up to. It was a shy, one arm, side hug.

When my niece runs up to me and hugs me, it’s enthusiastic and innocent.

And when I hug the man I’m in love with now, it’s heartfelt, protective, generous and everlasting. 

[screamsintovoid]

Hair and Now.

Hair. 

Shiny, thick, silky, black.

Wavy, long, bouncy, brown.

Curly, short, red.

Extensions, highlights, streaks.

Up, down, side-swept, pulled back.

Fringe, bangs, messy bun, ponytail.

There are so many ways to wear our hair, and so many hairdos that all of us dream of perfecting (no amount of YouTube tutorials can help). We have different looks for different occasions. If we’re not happy with the way our mane sits (or doesn’t), we give it all the extra attention, all the treatment and almost all the money it needs. We spend a considerable amount of time in front of any reflective surface, to make sure that the front section that we ironed oh-so-carefully, rests flawlessly.

But what most of us don’t know is how our hair really grows from its first, basic Anagen phase. We only remember a particular length from which we’ve altered its shape and size.

I’ve never been one to have the same hairdo for more than 6 months. I’ve seen my hair grow out to different lengths; and I have this urge to chop it all off very often. It’s almost like I’m in an on-and-off relationship with my hair. 

I’ve sported hairstyles ranging from the side-swept fringe to short bangs to the asymmetric bob and the pixie boy-cut. With me, there never was a second thought given to what the consequences would be, each time I chose a different look. Luckily my somewhat round face accommodated most of my hairstyles well (there were bad ones, too, but hairbands came to the rescue).

However, this year, I went way out of my comfort zone and decided to do the one thing left on my hairstyle bucket list, if you can call it that. A good friend of mine had recently returned from a long, soul-searching vacation. She’d left with a head full of beautiful soft curls and returned with a shiny bald surface. What I loved was how well she was carrying it off, and I was short of compliments to give her. 

I gave it some thought, and we both agreed that we would go and get my head shaved too. This thought remained at the back of my head and I almost let it slip away. Somewhere, I still didn’t have the courage to do it, simply because I was afraid of how my family would react. But living away from home and visiting your folks once in three months has its perks. Finally, I mustered all my courage and went to the hairdresser. I watched him take the trimmer and gradually take away, what can be the most prized possession, for a girl. 

My hair fell to the floor and was swept away to be thrown into a bin; every last strand of it. I looked in the mirror. The light from the bulb above me bounced off my new bald head. However cliched this sounds, the whole procedure was a liberating one. I couldn’t stop smiling. 

It’s been three weeks now and I have never felt this confident before. Not having hair to hide behind makes you raw and almost naked in front of people, and you start facing that fear. I make more eye contact now. I have gotten some great compliments, several, several stares and even some sceptical comments. People who know me well often come up to me and ask if they can touch the pokey stubble erupting on my scalp. 

The best part is, I get to see each and every phase of hair growth. It’s a slow process. It’s a beautiful process. Isn’t that what life is all about? Many of these slow, beautiful moments that we miss, chasing behind larger, faster experiences. 

I’m doing my best to document this growth cycle with one picture every day. Let’s see how that goes. 

If this post has encouraged any of you having doubts about doing the same, or even just feeling hesitant to get a new haircut, I can only tell you this - it’s only hair. It will grow back. It has to. 

[screamsintovoid]

Finally.

Who knew someone could finally overcome the fear of putting out words and stuff out there for others to see.