scuddysmind

[scuddysmind]

Work in progress

[scuddysmind]

[scuddysmind]

I’ve said this before ... I’m good at figuring out what ppl want to hear. Idk if it’s manipulation or not . But I can follow a conversation enough to know what the other person wants at the end . I’ll tell you exactly what you need to hear if itll put a smile on your face and give me a step ahead . But does that make me wrong .

We all have goals in life and we all have to do things to make it happen . Idk I see myself differently than others . I know what I want in my life . I know I want to grow in the industry that I’m in . I know I want my shop. I know that I’ll have to climb a ladder and rn there’s a door . If you sit with me long enough I’ll figure out what to say to get you to open that door . But I can’t be clouded and a lot of the time anger clouds my judgment . But I’m clear now and I was given a guide .

For the first time ever I have a 6 month and 5 year plan . The 5 year plan I set out , I was told I can do it in 2 . My 6 month plan I’ll get finished in less than 6 weeks . I’m good . I have goals and I have an amazing support team that I love and would like to trust so I’m going to try

[scuddysmind]

I miss him and I hate me for it

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You know what I hate about myself the most ... being able to recognize a mood swings and still not being able to stop it... i can’t talk myself out of it even though I know I’m trippin . I think I hate that I’ve given up trying to fight it . It’s tiring and I hate myself for being so weak .

[scuddysmind]

I’ll be on here more to vent . I don’t have anyone to talk to and the last person I thought I’d be able to maintain a friendship with is gone . I question myself. Like why do I have this problem . Why is it so hard for me to want to be around ppl . How did he make it so easy for me to be around him and why can’t I find that with anyone else ...

But then I realize , I don’t want that with anyone else . What we had was special . Or at least to me . I cared about him more than anyone . He was by my side through everything . He’s the only person that knows everything . But by making him the gatekeeper he used it against me . He took my secrets and used them as daggers .

It’s still hard to accept that it’s over . Mostly because it doesn’t have to be . If I just conformed and acted the way he wanted I could still have him . I know the exact words to get him back in my life . But that’s lot what I want . I want to be happy . I don’t want to walk on eggshells . I don’t want to have to be strategic with my words . I want to be free . I want to be able to speak with out having to pause and think about how my words may affect someone .

I realize I want the peace that being alone brings but that means I have to accept the silence that it brings . I have to accept the solitude . I have to learn to live with my thoughts . I have to learn to be alone .

[scuddysmind]

Chadwick Boseman photographed by Bjorn Iooss for MR PORTER

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Luxury

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I used to think I knew what I wanted . I just know it’s not this

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by cremedenuage

[scuddysmind]

source

[scuddysmind]