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It’s been a while

About 1 to 2 times a year I have a complete break down. I sob, and I don’t know fully why. And every large insecurity rushes back. I keep thinking I’m in a good state but somethings missing. It’s missing me. I feel hollow like I’m acting in a role, one that for whatever reason I decided to do improv and now I’m playing multiple characters at once. Am I confident? I feel it, then I’m reminded how stupid I am. I want to be in a relationship so that someone will choose me but how can I expect that when I don’t really like myself. I had my first breakdown of 2019 almost 7 months after my last. There was different reasons but I felt the same emotion. A complete lack of self understanding. I don’t know why and I hate that my life is so great but I still feel hollow. I almost wish I had something to blame, almost. I want to get help, but another problem I have is a complete fear that I will not be successful or ever feel financially sound. When do you know if you are? Recently I have been staying in more. I say it’s for money but it’s more because I feel so isolated and alone. Counter active I guess. The more I stay in the more I see a whole weekend go by that no one contacts me. Then I feel more alone. Is it selfish to only feel fulfilled when I feel that someone needs me specifically?

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I have every form of social media

And still, no one talks to me

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reoccuring theme

Im just not anyones first choice... never. this has been something ive known my whole life, I am never someones “best friend” its just not me. I never mind it until I look around and see everyone else has that one person that is there’s. I have a weird kind of jealously about it. its almost as if, as morbid as this sounds, I could be dead for hours/days/weeks and maybe no one would know. Thats a haunting idea to know I am that easily forgotten. I know the kind of friend I am. You have a good time while I am around but ahh fuck it ill never see her again. I feel like that how everyone sees me. I am having a lot of complex emotions these days but this is a big one. People dont text me to see whats up, people dont think to text me when they make decisions, no one thinks to ask me if i would want to come, even when i tell people i want to come they are surprised when I show up. I dont know maybe I just hate everyone. 

Makes me feel like I fit my zodiac sign completely. I am having a hard time not being the center of attention. I am having a hard time not being thought about, my feelings not considered. Explains why I am the way I am, so od about anything considered cool. god damn it, my life does not suck at all and i can still find ways to hate it. I am not ready for real life where “I need to choose to make myself happy or continue on an empty existence”. I feel like I should hate myself, but thats not it. I hate the state the people around me are in. They are all like me, in a transitional weird need reassurance state. Its making me think I hate them when I know I don’t, but its this awkward am I cool, did I make the right decision, am I hot, did I miss anything, was I embarassing, was it funny tho???? This final year has been more question inducing and overthought than my first year when my life literally exploded with fun socialness. Now I have a fucking medical condition that is heard the second I make a sound because for the last 4 years I never shut the fuck up while talking to people. And now I have less understanding of my sexuality, and of my place in my social standing then before. Who am I, where the fuck am I going, and I hope all turns our well.

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life rn

I have been enjoying life and its strange spontaneousness until recently. I am sure this is not some new feeling, but I sure do forget how confusing it feels. I feel like I just woke up in the woods with only the clothes on my back and they are no different than anyone elses. What do I have to offer the world, where will I be in 5 years? I wonder if I will be happy in 5 years? Will I have some really dark times? 

I ended things with a boy I have been in limbo with for almost a year now. It was about time but it was not going anywhere. I wonder how many leads in my life I will follow to then abandon. I miss thinking the world was mine to figure out and conquer. Im realizing now its just me and my thoughts, and they slip out of my mind faster every day. 

My mom said something that hit me like a ton of bricks. Some random girl we met in cincinnati who we ended up having a couple drinks with asked my 57 year old mother what its like getting old, and my mom was not offended at all. She said, “Its like looking in the mirror and not recognizing yourself, its seeing your mother look back at you from the reflection. You still feel young and then you see what you look like”. Thats not what im scared of, I kind of like the idea of getting old. I am scared of having a life with no purpose. Im scared I wont make money or enjoy what I do. I am afraid no one will love me and be my partner for taking on life. I am afraid I won’t get the chance to have a baby of my own, or even own a sweet pup to call my own. I am afraid I will never talk to my friends again and lose touch with everyone I know. I am afraid I will watch and let myself ruin my own life just because I am too scared to start failing. for fucks sake I wont even play the lottery because I think losing is a waste of money. If only I had as much hope as those people who always play the lottery, minus the gambling problem obviously. 

Im figuring it out, Im gonna get that on a Tshirt, cause that seems to be what I am always doing. 

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I passed

This trip has been a test on myself, kind of are you fit for real life. And I passed it but I know I wouldn't have before. I am someone who is open and understanding and that has brought me to other people of the same accord. I love life, I know it's dark and people can be evil but for the most part people are sweet and good.

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Happy

Happy to check back in. I am happier now and more secure in who I am and my desires. Still surreal that I literally live in Europe right now. This is insane and I feel like I won't really get it till I'm gone. Last weekend I went to interlaken Switzerland and it took my breathe away. That place has a piece of my heart it was amazing. Just touched down in Scotland on a beautiful day! I'm meeting nananoon soon and then Amanda, what a blessed position we are in. I'm not religious but this experience has made me feel much more spiritual. This place is adorable, I also look like I fit in lol

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i hate myself

I am an idiot. I am a dumb drunk idiot. I dont want to drink anymore, not like that. I know I have said it before but for the first time I told my mom. I Should have learned this already. I should know this by now. The amount of injurys I have gotten drunk. The amount of times I could have died but luckily didnt. The unanswered questions. I cant live like this and my mom was right. She said “shannon if this is a problem you have to do something about it. You wont be able to keep a job or have relationships” that struck a cord with me. I have had to miss work cause Im too hungover or worse drunk. I have had to end relationships because of my habits drunk. I have ruined my life in little ways that I just brushed off and said life move on. I have made decisions so that alcohol remains a huge part of my life. Its disgusting. Im ashamed. Clearly I have no value for myself. and I dont, I hate myself. 

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the worst night of my life

last saturday I went out thinking I was about to have a normal night out with friends. I ended up at a strip club and talking who i guess was a hooker. I bought a nice bottle of champagne (moet) trying to be nice because i was having a good time but little did i know what i was getting myself into. Thats the last thing I remember until a memory of just sounds. I remember saying “no, i dont want to do this” in a room with a man and a women. I remember a man going “its okay thats okay” and then I woke up in a creepy room alone. Confused I put my shoes on and left. As I walked out the room a man came up to me and was very nice, he was the manager and said he was with me in that room. He said i had fallen asleep after saying no and that he did not touch me at all or rape me or anything like that. I believed him because I was scared, confused, and lost. I didnt have money and had to call a cab so he took me to an atm. I tried to take out money but it didnt happen because I dont have the pincode. He gave me 200 crowns and walked me upstairs. Next thing I know Im in a cab on my way home. The only thing on my phone was a text from my friend mike that said “are you okay, did you get home safe” and thats it. My friends didnt care, they didnt text me or call me. I had hoped it was over. Then I started getting an itch, im still figuring that one out but that means he might have raped me... My mom called me today freaking out, for good reason. There is 2 charges of $638 three times each. That is over $3,800. I dont know what to do. I called the club and they said i would have needed to give them a code to use a credit card, but I didnt. So how were these made. 

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welp fuck tn

we had a weird one,I was a part of a group of weird and catty girls. We were petty and dumb. I dont know much else to say about it because I was a part of it . Im not happy about it. 

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im pissed and dead ass sober so i cant find a happy medium

all my friends here got drunk which was fine i choose to be less drunk be cause of past mistakes but me and jordan had to be vigilant for our small squad. so we called a cab, 2 against 3 black outs and it was not a winning game. We tried to shove all of us into an uber which was a collective decision and not personal faults but resultied in someone outside the club calling the cops on us ( personally I would say that person A. was at a club at 2 am to be a beat ass nark or B. needs to figure their own life THE fuck out and coming from me thats a fucking beat down insult) and so I had to squeeze out the uber and my phone came out my pocket because womens clothing pockets are made to fit hmmmm lets see male interpretation of our minds, the way they say our bodies should look or/and probably just the right amount of womens wage which is “equal” to  a white male.  im a proud feminist but am generalizing which does no good. Long story short my phone popped out. but since our uber had gotten pulled over he did not want much to do with us so i understand not answering us. but then courtney, thank the mofo haevens got him on the phone and the only issue she made was promising him an exact dollar amount, I would most definitely pay him money but he promised 300 euro which is about $400 and i do not have that I gave him 1000cz which is alot here but is about $40. he was mad for good reason but still gave me my phone.All I can say is i cannot catch a fucking break here. But in a odd distant way I feel that feeling so lost, so hopeless, and so god damn cornered will benefit me. So far it has shown me that the friends I have made here care and more than I could have ever imagined, god bless. For the future I am sure I will see more, but i will continue to drink like I did tonight yet obvi spend less money I will cook and starve (liberal with the word starve because I know I wont die) but I will buy less, conserve more and appreciate what I can. rough night but that will make me as strong as possible. If I am lucky enough to live a long life, which believe me (me) is something that soooooooooooooo few get to enjoy  I will have evidence of failure and hopefully success and if not I will live in the woods of alaska and make a lil weed farm and j chill for the rest of my time here on earth. But Shannon this is a message to your sleep deprived, slightly drunk, !00% pissed the fuck off, and grateful for the friends I have made and people I have trusted that life is weird and its never as you expect. You are not better than the girl who gets raped in an alley or the boy who drowns in a bath or even the genius girl who has a mysterious stroke you are lucky for every moment you can obtain and never take that for granted. Blacking out is not an option, and cant be anymore. I am taking control now and for all. This is your life and everyone else is just livin theirs. 

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emotional today

im emotional as fuck today. I keep crying to myself thinking about how shit i feel. Not feeling good about yourself sucks cause your the only opinion that is constantly in every single thought and movement. I am disgusted by myself at the moment and pretty much just ashamed

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goals until i get new ones

-- eat better

--no sleep around 

--drink less alcohol

--save money 

--be careful, you dont have much money this is a foreign place

--buy a coat and more socks/notebooks

--stop smoking cigarettes

--take it easy on weed not every day 

--take it easy on drugs, only do it in small amounts you can trust, do not mix, when taking a dose cut it in half, and then cut it in half again and tiny incraments depending on conformability

--fewer hangovers

--work hard in these classes 

--buy detergant 

--make and effort not to share drinks, meet strange men, lose friends

--call mom more, you miss her

--and Kelly

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Prague is hard

so far i have cost my parents over $3,200 extra to get me here. Now im here making mistakes left and right that jeopardize my future and literally any dignity.  This feeling comes and goes, its the same one when I lost Kellys passport. Im a fuck up, I fail so much I feel incapable of being responsible. Being here with Sam doesn't make it better, she constantly condescending  me on things I am not right about or when I ask a question she starts from the beginning as if shes talking to a child. I get it i interrupt to much i have to work on that. So I get it because Im pissing myself off. WHY THE FUCK cant I be more vigilant and more on top of my life the way other people are. I said in an earlier post, Im afraid I could become an agoraphobic not because I dont like people, i am like as social as it gets sometimes but im just so afraid of messing up that id rather just stay at home and keep to myself. Also the social thing, when out and about i like meeting people and talking and will keep talking and making jokes to make them feel comfortable, but drinking is something I cant control and its starting to scare me a lot. Blacking out is so stupid and unsafe, especially the way i tend to do it. I dont think Im going to drink when im older or never more than a drink or two. I clearly cant drink like someone who values themselves, their reputation, morals, and overall well being. To conclude I have a lot of things I want to work on so Im trying one fucking second at a time. Literally fucked up my flights today. Moving on and accepting the things I cant change but doing my fucking best to change the things I can. 

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20th century women

Just saw this movie and there is part where the boy’s mother says “I will never get to see him out in the real world” and that got me. My mom doesnt know what I am like to people I have a friend like relationship with. She doesnt know my weird social things and how outgoing I am. At dinner she told me I was always the quiet one... that took me soo off guard. Me quiet? I enjoy meeting new people and saying my opinion I never thought of my self as quiet, but know I guess I know what she means. I am quiet when I feel I should listen, when adults are talking to me about things as confusing to me like life and adulthood or things I have no real knowledge or understanding of, yes I am quiet. But thats because I know its a time that I should listen. I loved this movie though and I just showed me how different I am from my mother, in this movie her son is having his ideas changed by other people and his mother cannot control that the same way these things happen to me. I love tattoos, I think they are beautiful, you can show parts of your self that normally are only brought out by your thoughts and milestones of life that can now just be sitting right there on your arm. My mom would sob and probably slap me for “defacing” my body. Id want a tattoo with meaning, but like words when you say them enough they lose their meaning, I am sure a tattoo would work the same way. So I want a tattoo with absolutely no meaning, just their because I thought it was cool and thats all. In a sense having tumblr and the internet in general has shaped me in a way she never even tried too. My mom is a stay at home mom with 3 kids and didnt work for 20 years. She doesnt believe in tattoos or dying your hair for the hell of it. Piercings to her make you look like a slut. Being non-religious is basically a first class ticket to hell. My parents joke about gay people or god forbid I brought a black man home. If I dated an asian man I would hear every joke you could think of from my dad. To me my parents are so old fashioned so I cannot even imagine what they thought of their own parents. I am happy to have the thoughts I do, and to believe so strongly in the things I do. As my mother clapped in elation to the sight of trump getting ready for his inaugural speech, I told her about the Womens march on washington, and said I would have wanted to go. She shout me a look, the kind that made me feel awkward and like I had to defend what I just said. Next she said, “its all about abortion”, i responded “its about women”. Also something I am now noticing, I have a very hard time with eye contact with strangers, every time I lock eyes with a stranger I instantly look away. Why? Prolonged eye contact is so intimate, sharing that with someone I will never see again seems kind of magical. A moment of intimacy thrown to the wind. I am going to work on that and report back, I am sure I will meet more people. You know what, I think think this is a grand idea. Making eye contact like that with people will intrigue them, possibly make them uncomfortable, and just possibly do a lil something so someones self perception.  Long eye contact it feels flirtatious, so basically my plan is to flirt with everyone, rather, flirt with life. 

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College

What in the fuck am I paying for to go here? I haven't learned anything other than social skills, the only reason I'm getting calls about my resume is cause I said I could code. If they ask me to code on the spot I'll either shit my pants or be so awkward it ends

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Again

In another funk, not sure why, I'm tired a lot, I hate my friends, I hate being drunk, I hate eating in front of anyone, why am I getting all these problems now.

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funk

I dont know what is going on the last two days. I had a good time on saturday untill I lost all the money I came out with, a purse, and my sisters passport. I started crying but thats not just why. I cannot take care of anything, I cant seem to do anything that the people around me are. I cant get a job, I cant stop losing things, I cant get someone to like me more than just to hook up. Ive never had a hard time smiling and having a good time until now. I dont want to talk, I dont want to smile, I want to be alone.