sea-it-all-blog

[sea-it-all-blog]

Kuching

I knowingly purchased a ticket and flew Malaysia Air (cheapest option, obi) from peninsular Malaysia to the island of Borneo, figuring they probably had their shit together after that messy plane disappearing into thin air thing, and I was right. It was great-my veggie meal was delish and we didn’t crash or disappear, so yay!

Kuching is a small, predominantly Chinese Malay city on Borneo concentrated on the waterfront with a bunch of great outdoorsy activities. The accommodations are pretty much across the board shit, but I knew I had another fancy pants hotel coming up, so I treated the hot as hell, mosquito infested, had to break out of in the morning because no one was there to unlock the gates and open the door hostel as a way to fully appreciate what was to come.

WARNING: he following rant was written about the Trumpocalypse the night after the election.

I arrived on what was November 8 in Asia, but November 7 in the US and the eve of the Presidential Election. Before going to bed (the morning of the 8th back home), I checked social media feeds, read articles on HuffPost and CNN, and went to sleep (or at least tried to-the mosquitoes and poor excuse for a mattress had another idea) confident a hate-filled, awful excuse for a human being would be laughed away by the American public.  Before I left/escaped to go on my all day kayaking tour and orangutan sanctuary visit, I checked all the sites again, but results wouldn’t be in for hours. Blissfully untethered to any Internet, I enjoyed my day on the river and watching orangutans eat, not doubting Hillary would be our next President. Look, I didn’t like her-I was hard core Bernie, but I didn’t think it was possible there were enough intentionally ignorant Trump supporters in the world, much less America to elect the bastard.

Things came crashing down when I made it back to the hostel and confirmed the worst. I am numb-where does the US go from here? We elected a bigot, a misogynist, a racist, and an all around self-absorbed megalomaniac. It’s been said much more eloquently by so many other people; all I have is my experience being abroad for the last 6 months. Without fail, every time I answer the question of where I am from (which I will switch to either Canada or Spain for these last two weeks), I am asked about the election. Ticket takers, cab drivers, other travelers, bartenders, people working in the 7-11s; the question was Hillary Clinton, right? Asking for assurance the embodiment of America standing in front of them wouldn’t allow a maniac to take over America, and in effect the world. It’s really fucking scary for us as Americans, but the rest of the world is with us. Not out of sympathy, out of fear for what it means for every other country on the planet. It’s a big fucking mess. 

At least the Joe Biden memes are hilarious.

Okay, so back to my day.

I signed up for a kayaking trip, which I was excited for-both to get out on a river and swing my arms around and also to meet some people. One out of two ain’t bad, I guess. I was the only one on the damn tour! Just me and the limited English-speaking guide. The river was moving pretty fast, so there was minimal work involved, but it was still a fun half day adventure. 

Since we had driven by Semenggoh Nature Reserve, the Orangutan Sanctuary, on the way to the river, I asked the tour company to drop me off on the way back so I could catch the afternoon feeding, which was TOTALLY AWESOME!

Twice a day, they put out food on a viewing platform and see who shows up. There are something like 30 orangutans at Semenggoh, but since they aren’t caged and have a ton of jungle to roam in, you never know who’s going to show up. I got lucky and a mom and baby came to the platform and hung around destroying coconuts while the baby played on the ropes. Then they came over to tell us the alpha male big daddy was over on another side, so they led us over to see a gigantic animal going to town on entire bunches of bananas. My photos aren’t great because iPhones are shit distance cameras, but it was an amazing experience to see the orangutans as close as they’d let us get. I highly recommend hitting one of the sanctuaries on Boreno if you’re ever in the neighborhood. It’s totally different from visiting a zoo-you don’t feel sorry for the animals, it’s more a feeling of being in awe of witnessing animals in their world.

The other guy staying at my shit hostel went to the feeding, too, so we rode the bus back to town and got cheap hawker stall food before going back to learn the depressing news about a different ape, Donald Trump, becoming president. In retrospect, I’m pretty sure I was in shock. I wandered around aimlessly, making stops to stuff my face with different desserts until I decided to go to sleep, hoping something terrible would happen to Trump while I slept and Bernie could slide in to take his place.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t to be. Neither was my trip to Bako National Park the next day because it was raining and I was NOT in the mood to jungle trek in the mud and rain. Not after the Presidential fuckery. I was moving past denial to whatever stage of grief anger is. So I got myself an Uber (hot tip-Uber is brand new in Kuching and the freaking best! I loved chatting with my drivers, all of whom asked about the election, and it’s way cheaper than a taxi and faster than the intermittent buses) and went to the mall to eat lunch and see Dr. Strange. Still needing to eat my feelings, after the movie, I tried out Nando’s, a British restaurant a guy I met in Vietnam raved about. It’s a Portuguese chicken restaurant, but since I don’t eat chicken I got a veggie burger. The sauces were great, but I recommend you try something else. Like, maybe the chicken.

Since it was my last night in Kuching, I decided to check out The Junk, a bar and restaurant (not a gay bar) that was raved about online. I also wanted to try tuak, the cheap but allegedly deadly local rice wine. Luckily, The Junk was fully stocked and I made friends with a guy named Eddie who told me about tuak. I chatted with him and his two buddies (all nice-not creepy-old farts in town from KL for business that wanted to talk politics, of course) until they decided to call it a night. Eddie offered to drop me off at a Borneo Rednecks, a bar up the street with posters of Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, and Elvis, where some of his friends were hanging out. He hooked me up with a different kind of tuak (even more sweet than the first) and took off.

Eddie’s friends couldn’t have been more welcoming and totally knew how to have a good time. They were four ladies around my age drinking Macallan on the rocks and kept filling my damn glass with scotch. Two of the girls left early, but the sisters, Diana and Evelyn, were down to stay all night and totally outlasted me. They are from an Iban (native to Borneo) village, but Diana lives in KL with her husband and two kids (and converted to Islam, as you’re required by law to do in Malaysia when you marry a Muslim) and Evelyn is a makeup artist who has traveled the world. We were hanging when a bunch of old dudes walked in the bar, who were, as Evelyn explained, part owners of the bar and local politicians.

Like everyone else, they were interested in the election, but I spent a good deal of time disabusing them of their ideas that Donald Trump would be a great President. One would say something about him being a good businessman and I would explain how he bankrupted his companies and didn’t pay his workers. Back and forth with all of the typical Trump-isms, and they definitely weren’t used to a woman giving them such grief, but it was all in good fun. My favorite, Sam (pretty sure that’s his name), said he had proof Donald Trump was adopted-I think by a Russian (my memory’s pretty foggy between all the free flowing tuak and Macallan) because his parents died. It definitely brought some levity to the whole situation, and the best part was when Sam jumped on stage with the band to play guitar. By the end of the night it was a struggle to stay awake and my face hurt from laughing so much. Girls-if you’re reading this, get yourselves to LA-we will have so much fun!

The next morning I flew from Kuching to Kota Kinabalu to have a few island days before heading home (reality is starting to knock softly at the door).

[sea-it-all-blog]

Kuala Lumpur

I hopped on an early morning bus to Kuala Lumpur, which amazingly took the 4 hours it was supposed to. It stopped at KL Sentral, the main hub for all rail lines and from there you can get pretty much anywhere. Fortunately, because I was ready to pee in my pants and it’s difficult to go to the bathroom with a giant backpack and another smaller backpack, my hotel was only a few stops away. I used hotel points for two nights at the Sheraton and negotiated an upgrade to a club room (score-for less than $30 I got breakfast, snacks and 2 hours of boozing out of control happy hour/dinner for two days). The hotel is old and needs to be redone, but my room was giant, the gym and pool were nice, and it was in a great location.  

My Malaysian friend Charles, who I met in Honduras, sent me a list of things to do, see and eat in KL (and Penang-he was such a great resource!). I spent a little time snacking in the club and then headed out to Bukit Bintang to scope out the high end malls and eat at Din Tai Fung, a dumpling place Charles said would be amazing (and it was, plus cheap!). 

The malls were impressive-there was a whole floor on one of them dedicated to watches! I purchased nothing, as Saint Laurent and Gucci aren’t exactly travel friendly-for my budget or backpacker styling, but it was fun to see Malaysia’s South Coast Plaza.

The next morning I was introduced to the insane brunch and ate enough to camel my way through several days (or lunch), and then walked to KLCC, the business neighborhood with the Petronas Towers, a park, and another high end mall. Pictures of the the KL and Petronas towers were free, and therefore well within my budget. Check them out:

I didn’t pay to go up to the walkway between the towers because it was cloudy, you have to make a reservation, it’s expensive, and I figured I could look at much better pictures online than those I would get from going up there. 

Looking to get out of the oppressive heat and humidity from wandering around the park, I went into the mall where they were doing makeovers by Kanebo, a fancy Japanese makeup artist. Since it was early and there was no one else around (there’s now way they mistook me for someone who was in the market to buy $100 toner and the five other daily facial products they slathered on), I got the full treatment and wakled out of there looking more like a human woman that I had since May. I mean, I was still sweaty and my hair was a nest on top of my head, but my makeup looked fab!

Since it was hot as hell everywhere but the mall and I was tired, I went back to the hotel to chill and then that night went to check out Jalan Alor and Jalan Changkat, the first of which is a street with food stalls-lots of dim sum, and the second a street of bars that made me think of old school Old Town Scottsdale-bar after bar with patios and lots of westerners getting their drink on. Every place has some sort of happy hour special, but the best I found was free for Ladies Night at Why Not Bar. I hung there and people watched for a while and then headed back to the hotel before the trains stopped at 11:30.

Still on my list were the Batu Caves, Chinatown, Little India, and the FRIM Canopy Walk. Since I had to check out of the Sheraton the next day, I spent the morning at the hotel-working out, eating enough for a small village for breakfast, and sitting by the pool. Then I headed to Chinatown to check into my hostel, which was a little change of pace but still fine for two nights. I took the train out to the Batu Caves, which are natural caves with unnatural Hindu statues and life-sized dioramas of Hindu stories brought to life (think Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland with fewer drunken pirates but anatomically correct horses).

After I wandered around Chinatown, I did a quick walk thur of the Central Market (touristy crap) and had dinner in Little India (man, I love Indian food!).

The next day my plan was to go out to FRIM to take the nature hike and do the canopy walk and then go back and swim laps in the giant public pool just up the hill from the hostel. It didn’t exactly work out because the train back, which should have taken 15 minutes, took over two hours due to some unexplained reason.

Oh, in KL, which is a super conservative Muslim country, they have train cars for ladies. Look at these assholes:

By the time I finally got back to Chinatown, it was in the middle of a horrendous storm-not only rain, but thunder and lightning, so swimming was a no-go. Wandered around Chinatown to get char keow tow for $1 for dinner and then back to pack up my stuff for 5:15am wake up to get to airport.

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Cameron Highlands

I took what was advertised as a 4-4.5 hour bus from Penang to Cameron Highlands. It took 5.5 hours. Why in the world don’t they just tell you it’s going to be 6 hours, so when you arrive in 5.5, you’re pleasantly surprised rather than crawling out of your skin???

It was awesome to be in the mountains-cooler weather, fresh air, and the promise of hiking in the forest. I dropped my bag at Father’s Guesthouse (the facilities are just meh, but the people working there couldn’t be nicer or more knowledgeable about stuff to do in the area) and went in search of something to eat with plans to hit one of the smaller trails after. 

I ate at Curry AA House and had probably the worst dal ever, but the tunes were sweet-Richard Marx, old school Madonna and Steve Winwood, so I stuck around for a while. Besides, it had started pouring while I ate, so the hike wasn’t going to happen. 

I booked a tour for the next day through Father’s to go to the Mossy Forest. In retrospect, I should have done the longer day hike, as the one I went on also made stops at the tea plantation and tea factory; two things that didn’t really interest me. The Mossy Forest, on the other hand, was fascinating. The guide, Francis, was so knowledgeable and took us on a lesser-known trail so we got to see planter’s aka monkey cups, small orchids, and walk on springy ground. This is a monkey cup-it’s a plant that grows these giant cup thingies that capture insects inside:

Here’s the tea plantation:

In the afternoon I hiked around the area, stopped at a strawberry farm and inhaled chocolate covered strawberries which were so delicious I ate the extra chocolate off the plate with a spoon (but if they hadn’t had utensils I totally would have gone face first and licked it off), and made it back about an hour before it started pouring for the rest of evening.

Needing something to eat for dinner, I donned my poncho and headed out to find something to eat. I had the most amazing Indian dish-it was a paneer tofu masala and the sauce was out of this world! With a giant naan it was only 9 ringgit ($2.25). The place was called Sri Brinchang and I highly recommend it if you ever find yourself in the mountains of Malaysia!

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Penang (aka Eat Until You Pop)

My second foray into Malaysia was considerably better than the first, although the trek to get there almost did me in. It consisted of:

·      a one hour boat ride to Pakbara;

·      a two hour wait;

·      a two hour bus ride (fortunately with one of the people I had met on Lipe so we got to chat on the way) to Hat Yai;

·      an hour and a half wait; and

·      a four hour drive from Hat Yai over the border to Penang.

There’s nothing like being told you’ll arrive at 6:30 but not getting in until after 9:00. Those extra hours are torture! Not to mention he driver took his sweet time-stopping to buy fruit for himself, smoke, chat with other drivers, and blow snot rockets. Oh, did I forget to mention he most definitely had the plague and was sneezing these giant, gross sneezes the whole time? The moral of the story is to take the ferry (assuming it is running) for the extra 500 baht and a little sea sickness.

While it was 180 degrees from my last month beach hopping, Penang is the city of eating and I excel at that! It also had some really cool street art. There are maps that show all of the famous street art locations and I spent an afternoon hunting them down all around George Town, the touristy part of Penang. 

In addition to great street art, there are wrought iron cartoon sculptures all over the streets explaining the historical significance of the area. Who knew Jimmy Choo started his shoe empire in Penang?!

Peninsular Malaysia, and Penang in particular, which was an important shipping port, were British colonies back in the day, so the architecture is distinctive from traditional Asian structures and as a bonus, most everyone speaks English. As a double bonus, the buildings are amazing to look at-those that have been meticulously restored (pretty much only the Blue Mansion), those that were converted into cafes and little shops, and those that are falling apart.

Like the rest of Malaysia, Penang is predominantly Muslim, but there are big Chinese and Indian communities (which equals great food, in case I haven’t mentioned it). Here’s a cool Hindu temple:

To guide me on my road to obesity both in Penang and Kuala Lumpur, I had a detailed list of foods to try and places to try them from my friend Charles, who is Malaysian, currently living in Playa del Carmen, but I met in Roatan. To be clear, this is NOT Charles, but instead a lady who made Chee Cheong Fun, one of the must-try items from his list.

I also went up to Penang Hill, which has a great view of the area (and a bunch of other tourist attractions-everything from a owl museum to a botanical garden), assuming it isn’t raining or foggy. You wait close to an eternity, but fortunately I had my Kindle, so I was cool, and then hop on a subway car-type thing that for five minutes hauls you up the face of a mountain. 

I thought I’d check out the botanical garden, not realizing it is a 5k walk down a jungle mountain with never ending switchbacks to get there. By the time I made it there I was soaked from the rain and my legs were shaking from the foreign (or any) workout, so I hopped on a bus and went back to the city.

I also took a tour of the Blue Mansion, which was super interesting, in part due to the exceptional tour guide who told funny stories and gave unpublicized info about the owner, who arrived a destitute Chinese immigrant and became known as the Asian Rockefeller. Plus, the dude had 8 wives. The house itself is cool and has a great story about its restoration by an architect who bought it from the owner’s grandchildren, who squandered the family fortune and were living with squatters in the building for years.

After the tour I explored the Gurney Drive malls (fancy) and checked out the food stalls and had a delicious dinner for all of $1.50 from the Rojak Man, who sings and shuffles as he chops up and puts sauce on your food.

The next day I took the free historical tour of George Town that leaves from the Whiteaways Arcade and was thrilled to see the guide from the Blue Mansion leading the tour. He talked about the different immigrant groups that descended on Penang, how they all got along except for the different Chinese gangs. The Cantonese fought the Hokkien and there were clubs set up to protect ad also help new immigrants find work and get adjusted in Penang. The clubs built temples with secret passageways that were closed off like individual forts to protect from their enemies. He also took us to a Cantonese temple and explained the quirky superstitions, fortune telling and hiring someone to send bad juju to your enemies.

I decided to go to Penang the day before Halloween, my favorite holiday, to hopefully catch at least one costume party. Sadly, there were some decorations at a few bars, but I missed the parties the weekend before. Hoping there would be something happening on Halloween night, I went out prowling the bars, but there wasn’t anything. Maybe I can celebrate when I’m back in the US. Seems like a good January activity…

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Koh Lipe, Part 2

We heard about a hike on Adang that led to a view point and another small hike to a waterfall from some of the people from the trash pickup, so we decided to check it out the next day. We saw the longtail boat driver that had taken us on the trash pickup, so we hired him to take us to both sites for all of 200 baht ($6). Thinking, based on what our trash buddies told us, the view point hike would take half an hour max, we asked the boat driver to pick us up in an hour to go to the waterfall. The views were amazing by the time we made it to the top, but we realized we would be late for the boat driver by the time we made it back down. No worries, we thought, the driver will wait for us, or at least come back in a bit. 

Nope. He left us there. And to make it worse, we got a little lost and were attacked by ants on the way down. I’m not talking about a few ants cutting through the jungle; I’m talking about billions of them, so many that there was as humming sound just from them moving around. Those fuckers were fast and gigantic and their bites hurt like hell. No question they could kill a human.

Since we were stranded on Adang and it was a little far to swim back, we bummed a ride back to Lipe from a couple having a romantic lunch. We were over the waterfall and hiking in general. The rest of the afternoon was spent in hammocks, swimming to a small island, family dinner at SLV, cruising Walking Street and checking out the Reggae Bar, which was highly enjoyable thanks to a crazy Thai man and an amateur fire show.

The next day Marcella left and I checked out of A Plus, probably the best hostel on the island, but still a hostel, and into Cabana Lipe for three days of my own room and bathroom and a view of the ocean. It was a splurge at about $50 a night, but so totally worth it. I also discovered the Sunrise Beach Restaurant, where I ordered their tofu massaman for three days straight. It was unbelievably, out of this world delicious-with tofu that was textured like seitan, cashews, fully cooked potatoes, and other vegetables rather than the ubiquitous onions and hard potatoes everyone else uses. I went for an evening swim to another island and watched the sun set from the water. Of course, I had to hit up SLV for drinks after. The German family from the trash pickup was leaving the next day, so they grilled a bunch of fish and I hung for a while, even though I was exhausted.

I honestly don’t remember what I did the next day, but it was surely some combination of planning the rest of my trip, reading, sitting at the beach, and swimming to one of the islands and appreciating the sunset.

My last full day on Lipe was action packed. I got up and went for a slow jog around the island to explore the small beaches, the jungle temple, past the end of the paved road and into the jungle. 

It rained for a bit, but the sky cleared up and I went to sit by the water and read at SLV, then hang with the crew while they did some renovations at Happy Vibe (obligatory tequila shot), swam out to the island, had cocktails and watched the sun set from Pattaya Beach. 

I showered and headed to Walking Street to get snacks for the trip to Penang the next day and got caught in a torrential, unending downpour. Fortunately, just as I was contemplating making a run for it, the one guy who had thought to go out with an umbrella walked by. He walked me to the turnoff for my hotel and said he would come back after he dropped off the guy he was walking in the other direction, but before they headed away, one of the shop owners just handed me an umbrella and motioned for me to go (I made sure to drop off the umbrella the next morning).  It was a great way to end my Lipe experience and a perfect embodiment of the island vibe.

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Koh Lipe, Part 1

I shuffled over to the ferry terminal (really, that’s about as fast as you can move with a 30 lb backpack) and ran into a girl that was on my Koh Lanta to Langkawi adventure. She was heading to Koh Lipe for a few days before returning to Langkawi where a friend of hers lives. We chatted and ended up running into each other on Koh Lipe, but you pretty much run into everyone there because it’s so tiny and everyone says hi when you pass on the street.

I could go on forever about how much I love Koh Lipe. The beaches were the most beautiful I’ve ever seen, the food was amazing and cheap, and the people were the friendliest I’ve met in 6 months of traveling. There are few places I’ve visited on my tour that I know I’ll go back to, but Lipe is definitely #1 on the list.

My friend Marcella from Patong and Koh Lanta arrived the day before me, so we planned to meet up, but by the time I got there, I was starving and she switched hotels, so I left her a note and went in search of food and to chill on the beach. I found the perfect spot-Elephant Bar on Patong Beach. With massaman curry so spicy I was sweating and a giant platform swing to enjoy the heat, I was in heaven.

Marcella and I met up later at what would become our favorite and is irrefutably the best bar on the entire island, Sea La Vie. It’s owned by the most fabulous people, Tutu and Sandra and the rest of their family, who also own Happy Vibe and Maya bars. Sea La Vie is heaven-just look at it:

Hungry, we wandered over to Walking Street (it’s one of only a few roads on the whole island) and had dinner at the Thai Pancake Lady restaurant. It was cheap and delicious-I think my food was all of $3! Right across the walkway is the Yoo-Hoo Lady and her granddaughter who they call Monkey. I���d read about the Yoo-Hoo Lady, who sits outside her restaurant sans bra and calls out “yoo-hoo, pancake, fruit shake, yoo-hoo, yoo-hoo” all night long. It’s run by her two daughters and their husbands and there’s Monkey, who’s probably about 1 1/2 and another tiny baby who one night was dressed in a Santa outfit and who I constantly saw being passed around the restaurant to people who wanted to hold her. I also witnessed baby Monkey shit on herself one night. I didn’t realize what was going on but saw her reaching for a hose and thought, “aw, how cute, she’s going to spray it everywhere,” but then I looked down and saw what had happened. For some insane reason, Monkey wasn’t wearing a diaper, nor was she I noticed any other time after.

Don’t let it deter you though, because they make the best fruit shakes I had on the island and amazing roti pancakes (think square quesadilla with eggs, cheese, nutella, fruit, whatever inside). Just make sure to ask for only a little oil so it’s not all greasy.

The next day I got up and went for a quick jog to explore the island and then met up with Marcella to join in the weekly beach cleanup, which was really cool We took a longtail boat to Adang, the island right across the way (the reason they don’t do cleanup on Lipe is political-they believe the resorts should clean up the trash) with about 15 other people-a German family, the Cafe Lipe owner and his friend, an old Swiss guy who lives on Lipe part of year, a British dude, a girl from Barcelona, and some Thai Navy (different from Old Navy) guys-and spent a few hours picking up trash that washed ashore and enjoying our private beach. We headed back to have lunch with the group, pretty much all of whom we’d see or meet up with later.  

We then made an afternoon stop at Sea La Vie to sit in the hammocks, read and enjoy the waves, then dinner again at Thai Pancake Lady and mixing local rum with Yoo-Hoo fruit shakes.

By the time we made it back to Sea La Vie, everyone working there was wasted. They had finished up dinner-every night they serve family dinner to anyone that happens to be around-and gone hard on the booze. It was a shitshow that led to Jager shots before trying to walk home and running into the SLV crew at Maya Bar, which then resulted in tequila shots and some bad dark rum concoction.

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You Never Get a Second Chance to Make a First Impression

Here’s my first impression of Malaysia or at least of Langkawi, the small tourist island I visited after coming from anything goes Thailand: 

everything is under construction (and has been forever)

the expectation is that the Langkawaians get to screw over tourists by charging money for everything from using life jackets (at pregnant maiden lake you’re prohibited from swimming without them) to using the bathroom (without toilet paper)

everything is noticeably more expensive than in Thailand

customer service is generally non-existent

things are not maintained-they are just built and left to fall apart  

However, whenever I looked someone in the eyes and smiled at them or managed to strike up a conversation with someone who spoke English, the people couldn’t have been nicer. Maybe it’s tourist fatigue, because the other places I visited in Malaysia didn’t feel as extreme as Langkawi (although there is a general malaise to customer service and facility maintenance everywhere). 

Also, I know how much I loathe tourists any time I get stuck driving through Hollywood (shoot me) or trying to get to pilates on the weekend when most of the population of LA living east of the 405 plus every single out-of-towner insists on trying to park in the lot at the end of Washington on Venice Beach. Deep breaths…

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Langkawi Visa Run

Oh Langkawi, I was hoping you’d be like Thailand. I was cutting it dangerously close to the expiration of my 30-day Thai visa. If you plan ahead, you can apply for a 60 day visa for Thailand. I think it costs about $40. If you don’t pan ahead, you have 30 days before you either have to leave, apply at certain immigration offices for a 1900 baht ($55) extension, or start incurring a 500 baht ($15) per day fine. There are companies that offer visa runs, where they schlep you from wherever you are to a bordering country to have your passport stamped out and then back into Thailand. It’s a waste of a day and costs about the same as applying for the extension. My initial plan was to apply for the extension while in Patong but because the King died on a Thursday, the governmental offices were closed Friday and wouldn’t reopen until Monday at the earliest, when I’d be nowhere near an immigration office and would end up overstaying my visa, thus becoming an international fugitive.

I decided to skip from Koh Lanta to Langkawi, the easiest way to leave the country. Langkawi is a duty free island (no real shopping unless you’re looking for dishes or shitty chocolate) on the northwest coast of Malaysia and is close to the places I still wanted to visit in Thailand so it was relatively easy to get to from Koh Lanta (as in you just pay one price to get picked up at your hotel and dropped off at the ferry terminal in Langkawi). Seven and a half hours, multiple vans, ferries, a taxi (taxis are crazy expensive in Langkawi), and a giant Eagle welcoming you at the port later, I arrived in Cenang Beach, the most happening area on the island.

I booked two nights at an unremarkable hostel (they all are) and thought if I liked it I might stay longer or go check out another beach area. There are a handful of super nice resorts on Langkawi-a Four Seasons, a Luxury Collection, and a brand new St. Regis I almost booked for a few nights. There was an out of this world special with food, spa services, buy three nights and get the fourth free, and I don’t even remember what else, but then I realized I would still end up paying waaaaaay more than I could afford for four nights of luxury, plus the beach wasn’t supposed to be very nice. But OMG, LOOK AT THIS PLACE:

As I pretty much always do, I dropped off my stuff and went out wandering. I headed to the beach and tried rojak from a cart with a guy who insisted on taking a picture with me. Because I’m famous. Or just white bread. Probably the former. Rojak is a mixture of cut up fruits and veggies with a kind of spicy brown sauce and some nuts thrown on top. Still dying for Mexican food, I foolishly took the bait at an Italian/Mexican combo restaurant. It was as sad as you’d expect and ended with me offering to go back into the kitchen to teach the cook how to make nachos (hint, they include beans and cheese) and the bartender a margarita (it ain’t a martini).

I booked the standard island hopping half day tour for 30 ringgit ($7.50) to visit the Pregnant Maiden freshwater lake (the rock formation looks like the profile of a pregnant lady lying down), 

throw some food in the water and watch a bunch of eagles swoop down to get it, and chill at a beautiful beach full of asshole monkeys that attack you and your stuff and try to run off with it. 

Here’s one of the little shits going through trash he pulled out of a bin: 

Fortunately, I met some cool people on the tour-an Aussie couple and a Malay couple who were nice enough to pay for me to get into the lake because I brought no money with me and then refused to let me pay them back when I saw them later that night. Back at the hostel, I met three girls-one German attorney, a Dutch girl, and a German girl living in the Netherlands. We walked down the street to grab drinks with half of the Aussie couple and made plans to rent motos the next day, which I had managed to avoid so far on my trip due to my unfounded fear of crashing and breaking all my limbs and having to pay for a wrecked bike.

But OMG, I FREAKING LOVED IT! It was so much fun. I was timid at first, plus it was a learning experience to drive on the other side of the road (Malaysia was run by the Brits back in the day), but after an hour I was totally into it. We got lost but ended up making it to Tanjung Rhu beach, supposedly the nicest one on the island, which I believe because it’s where the Four Seasons is located. We headed back toward Cenang and stopped at Kok Beach. The beach was nothing more than a little cove, but it was fun to say we were headed to check out “Kok” on the island. From there, I left to head back to buy my ferry ticket to Koh Lipe, get a crepe at My French Factory (it was delicious but the owner is a complete asshole-see below my first impression of Malaysia), then took a ripoff taxi to the Langkawi Yacht Club for the night because it was right next to the ferry terminal where I had to be at the crack of dawn and because I was sick of sleeping in a smelly hostel with non-existent shower water pressure.

Not to be too complain-y, but just don’t stay at the Langkawi Yacht Club. It was a joke. Spend the extra bucks and stay at the Westin right up the road. It’s super nice and where I camped out for the evening before returning to the construction zone that is the LYC.

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Koh Lanta

A few hours in a minivan and a ferry ride later and I made it from Krabi to Koh Lanta. I was trying to coordinate with my friend Marcella from Phuket, but didn’t get in touch with her in time before I booked a night at Non de Mer hostel, which had great reviews, but smelled like feet and had a bunch of inconsiderate assholes in the dorms. Like facetiming loudly at 11:00pm when people were obviously trying to sleep, throwing food and leaving dirty plates all over the room, and peeing in the toilet and on the seat and leaving it there for someone else to find.  Needless to say, I was psyched to get the hell out of there and checked into the place Marcella had booked-my own room and bathroom and access to a pool for $15 a night!

I spent the day watching the crazy rough waves and hanging by the pool when it wasn’t raining, I went for an evening jog, read and researched what there was to do in Malaysia.

We had dinner and then went to Freedom Bar right behind the hotel. The place would be amazing if the town wasn’t so dead and the country not in mourning over the King. The bar is right on the beach at has a trippy beach design, pool tables, and fire dancers in high season. We met a nutcase who told us his name was “Banana Tomorrow Papaya” who had one of the best laughs I’ve ever heard-it was a high pitched cackle and it was the only thing I could understand from him. Because no bar is complete without a tattoo shop in the back, there was a sketchy as hell group of guys running a bamboo tattoo shop in the back of Freedom Bar. We met a British guy named Joe who had recently acquired a horrendous neck tattoo, had his Thai nickname that means crazy tattooed on his chest and was getting a green squiggly thing in tribute to the King. Babalao Joe owns boats that take people on tours of the 7 islands around Krabi. He let us in on his secret-they don’t ever go to all 7 islands, instead they trick people into thinking they’ve visited them all. I have no idea what Joe’s company is named, but maybe it’d be a good idea to ask before you book a 7 islands trip when in Thailand…

The next day I booked a longtail boat trip to the Trang Islands. I was excited to go because I had looked into staying on one tor two of them during my trip, but things were mostly shut down until busy season and the day trip was a way to check out the area.

It rained pretty much the whole day and the water was rough so we missed the Emerald Cave on Koh Mook and snorkeling was a joke, but we did get to swim into a small cave and the boat driver chummed the water with crackers and watermelon so there were a shit ton of fish we could see from the boat. We stopped on Koh Ngai for lunch and if it hadn’t been raining, it would have been paradise. White sand, a beach bar, and beautiful light blue water.

I took the longest hot shower when I finally made it back to the hotel and got my shit together to go on a visa run to Malaysia the next morning.

I’m sure Koh Lanta is great during busy season-less rain and choppy water, but I wouldn’t necessarily recommend going any other time. There’s not much to do or see, and the beach wasn’t swimmable, surfable or snorkleable. The Trang Islands, however, I’d definitely spend some more time on!

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Krabi-Ao Nang and Railay

The shuttle I took from Phuket to Krabi was not enjoyable. Not that you expect hours in a van with random strangers to be a party, but add in puking, two whorey Russians, a nasty couple and the driver’s maniacal pump the brakes method of driving, and you’ve got a day of unadulterated fun! The best part was that the crazy driver’s ringtone was Kelly Clarkson’s “Because of You.” Seriously.

The driver dumped us in the middle of nowhere-some scam where they try to sell you onward travel from Hadyai World Tour Co., Ltd. If you’re booking a trip to Krabi, make sure the company promises you won’t have to deal with those fuckers and that you go straight to your destination! What was supposed to be 3 hours turned into more than 5.

I finally arrived in Ao Nang (the main town in Krabi province) and checked into iDeal Beds hostel, which had some of the worst bathrooms I’ve ever seen in a hostel. Thankfully, I was there for only one night and had the entire dorm room to myself. Oh, wait, I forgot-I shared the room with some teeny tiny ants.

I wandered around Ao Nang to get my bearings (i.e. find some ice cream) then hopped on a boat to Railay Beach, which was amazing! I walked around the beaches and nature park area,

saw people rock climbing,

walked from West Railay to East Railay to see the cave of dicks,

got a fruit shake and chilled, and then went back to Ao Nang for dinner and to arrange my ride to Koh Lanta the next morning.

I know there are nicer parts of Krabi; if I had more time, I would have explored more. You really don’t need more than one night in Ao Nang or Railay, though-they’re only a 10 minute longtail boat ride away from each other.

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Similan Islands

From Patong, I booked a day tour to the Similan Islands, a group of islands to the north that are only open half of the year to preserve its natural habitat. I stuck around in Patong for an extra day to be able to go to the Similans on the first day of the season and it was totally worth it. I encourage anyone going to Thailand (btwn October 15 and April 15) not to miss a trip out there. Yes, it was a really long day (6:00am pickup), but the islands were beyond beautiful, the snorkeling the best I’ve ever seen, and the rasta pirate that led the tour highly entertaining.

The company I used was Love Andaman and they seem to be the best operator. Nice new boats, constantly feeding you good food (well, lunch was okay, but the breakfast and feast at the end of the day with fresh coconut ice cream totally won me over), and a tour guide that got in the water and actually took you to see cool stuff when snorkeling an insisted on taking photos and videos with your camera (and who pulled a joint out of his dry bag the next day on my friend’s tour-why’d I have to go on family day?).

Thankfully, the Similans were also much less crowded than Phi Phi, although we still had our share of Chinese tourists who dressed alike-it must be a thing because I kept seeing couples in matching outfits. It reminded me of when I was a kid and my mom would dress my sisters and I in coordinated Esprit outfits. BTW, Esprit is still alive and kicking in Asia-who knew?

On the shuttle ride back to Patong, we dropped people off at some nicer areas-Ban Tao and Surin-both places I’d check out to stay next time assuming I’m not funemployed. I got back to Lub’d and there was a new girl, Marcella, in the room from the faraway land of Sahn Dee Ahhgo (she was staying at the lux Hyatt while I was there but we somehow missed each other). The four of us went to dinner and back to bed early-everything was closed, the flight attendants had been day drinking champions, I was leaving early for Krabi, and Marcella was doing the Similan tour in the morning.

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Patong Beach, Phuket

The party was over and my hotel points were used up, but I wasn’t ready to go back to cheapo hostel living, so I booked a bed at a swanky new hostel, Lub’d (I have no idea how to pronounce it) in Patong Beach and got ready to bring the crazy. Patong is the shit show of Phuket and supposed to be nuts at night, which I was a little ready for. Here’s a photo of one of the many tiger themes bars which have giant animals hanging from the ceiling and pretty much covering every square inch of spare space:

Every store in Patong is either a bar, massage parlor, tour booking company, tattoo shop, convenience store, or restaurant. That’s it, just repeated over and over and over. It’s super seedy, with lots of hookers, ladyboys and hawkers for ping pong shows, so I guess a little something for everyone… Oh, and there’s target practice just right in the street:

I was exhausted from wandering around the first night and hadn’t met anyone in the hostel, so I decided to go back and shower and planned to make friends to go out the next night. When I got back to the room, there were two other girls passed out-it turns out they just arrived and are both flight attendants for United, one of whom grew up in Nogales, of all places!

Sadly, my wild night in Patong was not to be (to the dismay of everyone in Patong and probably every other tourist in Thailand). That’s because the King of Thailand died the day I arrived, so all the bars and clubs were put on a 30 day lockdown (they even cancelled the Full Moon Party in Koh Pha Ngan). People were instructed to wear black or white and the entire country went into mourning. It was a very interesting time to be in Thailand-to see how much people loved the King, who had been in power for 70 years and did a lot to help the poor and bring the country into the 21st century. It should be noted, however, there were still some hooker and ladyboys wandering the streets the night after the King died. I guess a girl’s still gotta pay her rent. Also, the VR stands were operating. Here’s one of my flight attendant friends losing her effing mind:

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Karon and Kamala Beaches, Phuket

KARON

The good: I found the most delicious street pad thai from a guy outside of the 7-11 where I ate gigantic plates of noodles two nights in a row for 50 baht (less than $1.50). Another food highlight of Karon is the coffee shop next to the police station (picture below). The woman that runs it is super nice and the food is good and reasonably priced and you get a nice view of the spirit house (the white and yellow thing) and the ocean.

The rest: I had the Koh Phi Phi tour company drop me off at Karon Beach to stay at Doolay Hostel, a place I heard about from this guy in Vietnam. While it was right across from the beach, the water was really rough, the hostel dorm room was musty and dank (not the good dank), the staff smoked indoors and I even saw the kitchen guy smoking while picking at his feet. Karon was also a big Russian enclave with overpriced, mediocre food and I had been misled about there being surfable waves on ether Karon or Kata beaches.

KAMALA

In the face of such calamity, I decamped to the Hyatt in Kamala Beach to recover for two nights. Praise LBJ for hotel points and asking firmly for a club upgrade (free food and booze-yaasss), despite my bedraggled appearance and massive backpack! Up the road about 15 minutes and a world away from Karon is Kamala Beach. I spent two glorious days in heaven hanging by the pool, working to catch up with my blog since I was super behind, taking exercise classes (I ended up teaching the teachers), swimming laps in one of the largest pools I’ve ever seen, and sleeping in a normal sized bed in a giant suite with ridiculous views.

*Added bonus-as I am still reeling from the election results, posting this made me hopeful the namesake of Kamala Beach (not at all-I totally made that up), Kamala Harris, will be our next President.

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Koh Phi Phi

In retrospect I should have stayed on Koh Phi Phi for a few nights, but for whatever reason I missed the boat (literally). Instead I took a day trip there and saw the amazingly beautiful beaches, which were packed with tourists, mostly of the Chinese variety taking incessant posed selfies never looking directly at the camera.

We also made a stop on Monkey Beach and saw these vicious little fuckers who will attack you for your food and drinks:

We got out just in time-it started raining at our last stop.

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Phuket Town

I wanted to go to Phuket Town to see the Vegetarian Festival, which I’d read about and seen pictures of. It’s not what you think. I mean, yes, there is a shit ton of delicious vegetarian food,

but the main attraction are the parades put on over a period of 10 days by the different Chinese temples in town. The participants pierce their cheeks with metal bars, spears, and even this guy with two guns:

And a little rebar:

 End even palm fronds:

Hey-skewers! Anyone up for a BBQ?

I also saw guys lightly hitting their foreheads with an ax and people with pins all over their bodies. There are a shit ton of fireworks, not the colorful up in the sky kind, but the loud as hell, sting your skin when they hit you, popping smoky kind. It was a once-in-a-lifetime thing to see and I’m so glad I detoured to that part of the island before hitting the beaches. Plus, Phuket Town is filled with old colonial buildings and makes for an easy jumpoff to visit Koh Phi Phi.

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Khao Sok (it to me)

Getting to Khao Sok was an ordeal-I was picked up by a shuttle that took me to the ferry dock, then took the ferry to somewhere, shuttle to Surat Thani, truck to the bus station, and finally another shuttle to Khao Sok.

What can I sat about Khao Sok? It looks good in pictures. 

The actual experience was pretty fucking horrible. The night before my tour, I stayed at the Blue Mountain Inn and had the guy there book the tour for me, figuring based on what he told me and the research I had done the basic tours are all pretty much the same. There are some nicer places to stay, but they were out of my budget. From the complete lack of communication to the guide not only being a complete asshole, but also not speaking intelligible English, to the filthy sheets (animal droppings included at no extra cost!), damp, dilapidated and leaky “bungalows,” disgusting excuses for food, unusable kayaks, only having electricity for four hours, bathrooms unreachable without going for a swim at night…I could go on. 

The floating dock was in excellent condition.

The advertised kayaks:

This is how you get to the bathroom (p.s. the half log is slippery):

The worst part of the whole mess was that the morning we were supposed to leave they had us put our bags on the boat in the pouring rain, so we’re soaked and shaking from the cold, our bags are soaked and they expect us to go on a 2.5 hour hike in the pouring rain until the group rebelled and all but 6 refused to get off the boat and insisted they take us to the harbor so we could leave. The guide lost his shit and was yelling at us and only agreed to have the boat driver take us back if we agreed to each pay 200 baht ($6), but he warned there would be no way for us to get anywhere and we’d be stranded at the pier and would have to find our own way out. We didn’t give a shit-we were done. 

I managed to find a taxi to take me a half hour into town to a place that had a bus leaving for Phuket later that day. Thankfully they had a bathroom where I changed out of my soaked clothes and got ready to see the madness that was the Phuket Town Vegetarian Festival. But before I get to that, here’s your moment of zen:

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Koh Tao, Koh Nangyuan and Koh Samui

As a way to get to Koh Samui and do some exploring beyond the pool and beach, I booked a boat trip to Koh Tao and Koh Nangyuan. They packed 21 people plus 3 crew onto a smallish speed boat and took off in rough water (I was soaked, but at least the water was warm and I don’t get sea sick) for over an hour to get to Koh Tao. 

We hopped off the boat to snorkel (aka swim because the water wasn’t really clear) for an hour. I saw some cool looking fish and big schools that swam right up to you they were so used to seeing people, which was fun. From snorkeling we got dropped off on what looks like, because it is so picture perfect, a manmade island for lunch and free time with at least 500 other tourists. I made friends with two Hawaiian pilots (note to self: attractive career change option-they get paid to fly places and hang out!) on the trip and we hiked up to the top of part of the island to take pictures of the jaw-dropping view that made the nearly unbearable hour and a half boat ride to Samui worth the pain.

It turned out my pilot friends were staying right up the road from the place I blindly booked (Sirin Samui Boutique Hostel is brand new with a pool, pool table, and the bunks come with their own A/C unit and TV). That part of the island is pretty sleepy and the beach isn’t great. I recommend if you go to Koh Samui to stay in Chaweng-there’s a lot more going on and the beach is better. I met my new buddies for dinner and drinks, hung out and then went back to hostel to handle some crap going on back home. As it turns out, 1:00 am in Asia is the best time to get shit done in LA.

Since I was up late taking care of messes at home, I slept in and then figured out how to get from Koh Samui to my next stop, Khao Sok National Park. It’s not on the typical beach bum backpacker trail, so I hopped around to a bunch of travel agencies and while I was hopping, I ran into my homies again so we had lunch and made plans to check out Chaweng, the more lively part of the island for sunset and drinks and ended up on a mission to find (and we definitely did-authentic wood fired, made with real fresh mozzarella) good pizza. Here’s a stretch of beach bars:

And here’s one of the places we hit for happy hour:

I capped off the night with a late night but not at all sketcky-the pilots’ flight attendant had been earlier in the day-massage.