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Out There

Hi,

Been awhile huh. The year is going by fast, it’s already April. Just got back from another Vietnam trip, met with Mee and Satomi, hung out with ZH and TM. Ate a lot, came back weighing two additional kilograms, needless to say the food and mood were great.

—-

I don’t think this will be a long post, just wanted to write what some observations during my return trip from Vietnam.

It’s not exactly nice, but take it what you will.

When I was queuing up for immigration at Saigon’s airport, i noticed this Singaporean couple a few places ahead in the queue. They were chatting happily with each other and laughing together. We were probably in the queue for 40 minutes and throughout this entire period, they never stopped interacting with each other.

The sudden realisation was that, I have never once experienced something like this. No one has made me feel like this. I guess this is what my friends have been telling me, when you meet “the one”, there will always be endless conversations. Though, I am not saying that my past encounters were devoid of interactions, but I don’t think I have kept a conversation going for 40 minutes straight with laughter.

So, were all the previous encounters flukes? I am not sure what to make of it. It’s difficult to understand, and I am still learning.

—-

Anyway, time is moving incredibly fast, I hope to find someone by 35. If I don’t, I would like to live for myself and ensure that I am financially capable enough to keep myself happy till I am 60 or whenever my mother passes away.

ciaos.

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Thirty

Hi,

Aaaand we are finally, or at least I am. The 94' kids are 30 now, I know because I was the last few ones. I wanted to make one last post in 2024 before time passes me by and I never get a chance to blog in this significant milestone again.

This decade was inspiring, but I would not know that until the late twenties. Every obstacle I encountered was just a character development point I guess. I really feel like I started bloomed really late, there were multiple chances given to me to improve, but I squandered it away, only realising it at the last few years of my 20s.

I feel that my finances, health, fitness, and - of course - my love life had many chances to be something more, but I just look past it, or just made the wrong decisions. Leading me to discover bad endings.

---

But, were they truly bad endings? I think in spite of what I've been through, and what I have done to myself mentally, the spite to not end it this way has lead to some happiness. I guess Prof Edward was right, we really do "learn through emotional pain".

It is not as if my situation has improved drastically, but I have learnt so much from this decade about myself and how to handle certain events:

I have stopped caring about contacting lost friends, and have cut these people out of my life entirely, only focusing on people who give me time. And for friends who are in/out of my life, I reciprocate in the same manner.

For love, I've learnt to let go of the pain of all the past girls I used to love. You can't let them go entirely, but the pain, this you can let go. It's doable, but it just takes time and distraction. Surprisingly, the solution that worked for me was to simply just date more.

Feeling sorry and down for myself was really not the way, I guess people were right. I mean, I'm thankful I never became an "incel"; I always knew the fault was my own, but escaping that mental block just took diving into randomly dating literally anyone. It really helped me to engage in conversation better, and learn about the personalities which I want or do not want to interact with.

---

My honest advice regarding people who were in my situation: Just give yourself a chance, date widely and date overseas. There are 8 billion people on this planet, if you can't find someone to love locally, then they are some place else.

---

I honestly think there are big things coming in 2025. I feel energised, and happy going into the year ahead. I look forward to piano, gym, and dating more next year. I know this is a short post for a year end entry, but I think I can end the year knowing that I would cherish my current self for the year ahead.

ciaos

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The Lightbulb

As someone in a circle of friends who are all attached, and in the extremely rare time that we manage to go out together, I always find myself being “the lightbulb. The term comes from its direct translation in mandarin: 电灯泡. It’s not meant to be insulting, but to tell someone that they are disturbing a couple’s time together jokingly.

I am thankful for my friends including me in their outings or travels, but sometimes it just pains me so much to admit that I really really really hate being alone… I really want to go at it alone, but being with them creates this toxic feedback loop that I can’t shake off.

I truly admire the single gen x and boomers and how they survived so long in solitude. I understand that research has shown that the life expectancy of a person living in solitude is less than the average person, so I guess that’s something we can look forward to. It’s morbid, but that’s life and facing truths is what all human beings should aspire to do (Marcus Aurelius is having an influence on me omg).

—-

By the way, apologies if the formatting is weird. I am in fact writing this from a sleeper bus somewhere in between Ho Chi Minh and Long Xuyen on my phone. I know it has been a year since my last post, so I decided to write something worth reflecting and thinking about.

There’s always a time and place for long form content, and obviously some things can be summarised quickly on Twitter. But sometimes I just want to keep some stuff away from my friends and family. Nobody else knows of the existence of this blog aside from the friends who used to be on tumblr, and myself of course.

—-

Sorry for going off on a tangent.

I hope I don’t come off as whiny, or having a “defeatist” mentality. It really isn’t… Or maybe it is, im not sure at this point. But rest assured it’s not my intention, I just wanted to express how painful it is to be amongst couples.

Anyway, just wanted to pen down my thoughts and break my blogging drought, it’s good to keep this place tidy once in a while. Dust settles faster on sad things.

ciaos.

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New Zealand & Anna.

Hi,

It's already October! Where did the time go? Well, all I know is that September was to be my first big holiday in 5 years. As the title suggests, I went to New Zealand!

To provide some context on how this entire thing started, let's go back to... September 2022!

---

After covid hit from 2019 and 2020, and working from 2021 and 2022. I was THIRSTING to travel. Not that I didn't entirely travel, I went to Malaysia quite often. But as any other Singaporean say, going to Malaysia is "not counted"!

In any case, I cannot remember when we started talking about it, but my group of poly friends were at our usual watering hole: Paulaner Brauhaus down at Millenia Walk. Somehow, the conversation steered towards a holiday. I was really keen to hangout with this group as I have never went on an overseas trip with them before.

Japan and New Zealand. These were the choices. I have already been to Japan twice in my teens and early 20s. I was really keen on experiencing the great nature that New Zealand had to offer. As a LOTR fan, HJ was also keen to travel to New Zealand as well. So I guess that's where all the planning started.

Fast forward to September 2023, I took a 2 week leave and flew to New Zealand. The plan can be summarised as such, Week 1: Auckland, Week 2: Queenstown.

---

This might seem abrupt, this post really isn't about my trip. It was about her, Anna (I have no idea how to write this in Vietnamese, all she told me was that there was a hat somewhere in the spelling).

By some cruel fate, our flight to Queenstown was terrible. It was supposed to be a quick 1 hour flight on Wednesday afternoon, but we only made it to Queenstown on Friday morning after 3 redirects.

During this tragedy, JetStar arranged some accommodation for us to stay in while waiting for our flight. We stayed in two hotels for each separate day, the first one being Sudima Hotel and the other one being JetPark Hotel. JetStar also kindly gave us dining credit for use in the hotels.

In the JetPark hotel, I noticed this really cute waitress scurrying about taking orders, running food and cleaning the tables.

After finishing our food, I noticed that she settling payments from another diner at the counter. I'm not sure if it was the large quantity of gin tonic I drank, or maybe it was the deeply rooted sickness of being single for so long, but I started a conversation with her.

It ended up with me adding her on Instagram. I'm sure it was any Thursday for her, but it was a proud moment for me. I really didn't know what came over me that day, but it was done.

---

We chatted a little on instagram and I asked her out on a date. We settled on Auckland Botanical Gardens because she had already visited Cornwall Park the week before.

My friends left to visit Waiheke for the day and I took the AT metro to the nearest station and started a nice long walk towards the botanical gardens. I was pretty excited, I really didn't know what to expect.

I found a table at 1030 and settled down at the strangely named eatery, "Cafe Miko".

Strangely, as much as I thought that I'd be a nervous wreck, I was actually really chill. Kinda helped when the weather was at a cool 12 degrees then.

I ordered a flat white (as I learnt to love it in NZ), and started browsing instagram.

---

Half-an-hour seemed take an eternity, but I received a message from her on instagram saying that she had arrived. I told her that I was already inside and to come in.

When she walked it, my mind was blown. She was wearing a nice chic orangey red vest (like the Uniqlo Ultra Light Down jackets) with a white shirt and jeans(?) and her hair was tied in a really nice bun. With a really mischievous grin, she said "HIIII" or "Hello!". It's a little hard to remember now.

We talked a lot, about life in Auckland, Singapore, Vietnam. Her work, her family... I got to know her quite well. We ordered some food and we shared some of the portions with each other. I couldn't finish the sausage and mash I ordered (it tasted awful).

After that we walked around in the garden. I really wanted to spend my time admiring the flowers while talking to her, but she was a surprisingly fast walker. We chatted a lot more on topics I can't remember, and despite the fast walk, I really enjoyed our conversation.

She then mentioned that she had actually came with her landlord, Maria(?), and her kid to the park. And she wanted to send them home because her landlord's kid, Theo, had to eat lunch. We left the garden shortly in her landlord's car. She was driving me to her place!

---

She drove up to the driveway and immediately 3 huge dogs came up to the gate. Maria immediately exited car, both Anna and Maria were conversing in Vietnamese. The dogs had escaped and were gleefully wagging their tails at the gates.

It took awhile, but the dogs were eventually herded back into where they were supposed to be. I was also invited into the house. I played awhile with Theo while Anna decided on what to do.

I mentioned that I had to get to Waiheke after this and Maria suggested that Anna take me to the docks.

And to the docks we went.

---

When we arrived at the docks, we walked around and talked more about stuff with other. It was a nice breezy weather, and I really enjoyed the conversation that I was having with her. I cannot remember what we talked about, all I knew was that I was having a lot of fun.

We found the service counter serving the ferries to Waiheke and I bought tickets. Then we left to the nearby supermarket and bought some ice cream. We both bought mixed berry ice cream, on hindsight I wish I took a different flavour.

Eventually, we sat on the bench with the other people waiting for ferries. Then as quickly as it began, the date had come to an end. She gave me a hug and we said our good byes.

I really hope to see her again, but that was the last time I saw her.

---

I really thought we were vibing pretty well, but I guess she was just being friendly.

Girls are scary aren't they? I really tricked myself into believing that we might have a thing going on. But alas, it was all a delusion.

In all positivity, I told myself that it was a great experience. She was the person I ever asked socials from, and the first person I dated whom I had entirely zero connections with. I was truly surprised with myself in New Zealand.

I really did like you Anna, thank you for spending time with me.

ciaos

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Goal setting is toxic, but...

I'm going to do it anyway.

Hi,

After some thought, I have decided it's better to set some reachable goals for the year ahead. I know I know, it's strange to be doing goal setting in the baking hot middle of May. The reason I wanted to do this is so I can take my mind off negativity.

It's okay to live in neutrality, but it's not okay to live in negativity. I believe that this is one of the core teachings of stoicism. Living within the ebb and flow of life, whilst understanding that certain things are beyond control, but never letting yourself go on autopilot mode.

---

Anyway, here goes:

Finish Alfred piano book 1 and start on book 2

I've been taking piano classes since October last year and I'm close to finishing book 1 now. I've been having tons of fun and I'm really looking forward to book 2.

Sub-goal: Be able to play Senjougahara Tore

Return to 65kg

Setting weight goals is a tale as old as time, but this year is special because if I want to climb Kinabalu stress free, I feel like it would be to my benefit if I lost a few kilos

Sub-goal: Pass IPPT

Actually make that game

I really really really want to make a game. I've been holding onto this one for far too long. It's time to actually get the machine started.

Sub-goal: Adult game

---

That's it, short and sweet. These are achievable within the timespan of 6-ish months. Just have keep focus on things that are already midway or close to completion, and dedicate time to begin on tasks that have not been started yet.

Looking forward to updating this with pictures of my work!

ciaos.

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A happy year, finally.

Hi,

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually ending the year on a happy note. The year started off like poop, but it gradually got better.

I'd like to think that I really woke up this year. I used to chase after relationships (even friendships), friends who disappeared because they found a SO or girls who I thought I had a chance with. I mean, I've always been complaining about this in my older blog posts.

But this year, I really meant it. I wanted to stop giving a fuck. I thought to myself: All the time spent chasing people could be put to better use.

And here's the thing. I did.

I put it to good use.

This year:

Found a better full-time job.

I really really wanted to try being a lecturer, so I got to teach at a local polytechnic as an adjunct.

Started learning the piano.

Started to go to the gym again.

I cannot believe I did so much, simply by eliminating people who were time wasters. The late 20s are sure something, but I'm glad "time is a finite resource" hit me at this age.

---

Also, been really addicted to music by ShibayanRecords. And I've really been into Bossa Nova recently. Lisa Ono is fantastic, her voice is great, and I can't believe I didn't discover her sooner. This is because she held a concert in Singapore a few years ago! If I had known, I would have attended. Please listen to it 🙇‍♂️

---

For 2023, I hope to continue to improve myself. The main focuses are to get better at piano and to lose weight! I feel like my life has purpose again, not living for others, but myself.

I hope I can keep the positivity up till my next post... Which won't be happening for the rest of the year.

Happy holidays, and I hope reading this gives you inspiration to live life for yourself and not others.

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Hi,

My last post was in Feb 2021, that was more than a year ago!

It is hard to think that I used to blog regularly during my secondary school days, although the content was crap, I really enjoyed penning down my thoughts in regular periods.

Unfortunately, it's harder to do this because of micro-blogs such as Twitter. In this age, it's more gratifying to do short summary posts than explicitly write - with detail - on the current on-goings in my life.

Additionally, I have realised that I find it harder to write in proper english. It is a bad habit; We used to write a lot, in primary school, secondary school, then in tertiary education. But then during periods where I am not writing, mainly in army or work life, my writing standard dropped dramatically.

I have tried to make amends though. I have started to read again, this time works from Isaac Asimov. Surprisingly, even as a fan of sci-fi, I never really read much from the sci-fi master himself. When I was finished with the first book, Foundation,

I was completely blown away by the imaginative and creative details of the story. No doubt characters in each arc did appear like they came from the same template, but the world building and plot was amazing.

The real hook, line, and sinker for me was that Isaac Asimov wrote Foundation in 1951, WHAT THE FUCK? Maybe I am exaggerating it slightly, they did have proper infrastructure already in place at that time period. Or maybe I'm just overlaying my own version of sci-fi over what was written. But I do not think that anyone can discount how imaginative Isaac Asimov was in Foundation.

Additionally, I think what Isaac Asimov really excelled at in writing sci-fi was that he did use technicalities to make his work believable. One of the pitfalls of writing sci-fi or fantasy is the attempt to explain the unknown. Like how do shields work? How do mages cast fireballs from thin air? These are needless explanations which do not help to solidify the plot. The guy was a man of science, yet, you will hardly find any technical explanations in the book.

I hope to finish the Foundation series by 2025, at the rate I am going, I think that it is a reasonable time frame.

---

I think it is also fair to include that I have just recently completed my adjunct lecturing stint at Singapore Polytechnic. It was quite an experience. Being a Teaching Assistant is very different from being a Lecturer.

At times, I really do feel the need to care for every student's education, but in other times, I feel like not giving a fuck. But really it is more of the former. I mean, how can an educator not do anything when they see students self-destructing?

I did enjoy teaching my students though, a few of them are really hardworking and I do enjoy helping them further improve their work.

As a student in polytechnic, I really didn't give a shit till my final year. So I guess it was karma when I noticed that it was really obvious when students did not give a shit about your lectures. I am okay with that though, because it is understandable as it is a period where they start understanding responsibility to self.

Some figure it out too late, others don't work it out at all. In any case, it really is up to when they find out how fucked they are.

Additionally, I also started working at a new company (in parallel with the adjunct position, it was tough!), it was founded by a long time friend with other friends. Sorry lads, nepotism is part and parcel of the harsh realities on Earth.

I am really grateful for this position, the project is exciting, and I am learning new things with every feature. I thought I would not go back into games, but here I am.

I hope to post more good news in my next post, but this is all I have to say for now.

ciaos.

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The future is Lain.

Hi,

So the era of vtubers has arrived. It was bound to happen, I mean, cultural influences already predicted this. Streamer thots were the precursor to this, people figured out that you don’t really need to do hardcore porn to earn bucket loads of money. Satiating single, smelly, acne minefield men was as simple as getting naked (or not). Anyway, one day we’ll all be fucking synthetic robots and there’s really nothing anyone can do about it. 

Anyway, what I’m about to write is purely anecdotal and in no way should be used for dumb arguments on why guys should/should not dish out a ton of money on online thots and vtubers. No really, don’t.

---

So, just to establish the scene. I’m currently subscribed to a twitch streamer (with twitch prime) and a vtuber from Hololive. It burns about SGD10 for me every month. I haven’t got deep enough to give bits or superchats, but I think this will suffice for the talking point.

The main point is, why do guys do this? Why give someone money who probably doesn’t even know of your existence? Not withstanding some twitch streamers who sleep with their top donators, most won’t even give a shit about you. I’m sure there are many personal reasons as to why people do it, but here is my personal take. 

Relatively speaking, Twitch, Onlyfans and Vtubers, these are same same but different but still same. Why do I say this? They all offer the feeling of happiness (okay I’m reaching for Twitch and OF, but this is true for vtubers). Why struggle and do a coinflip on a relationship when feeling happiness is as easy as clicking a subscribe button?

For sure, this can never replace the real and warm feeling of being loved by a person. But in terms of happiness, I am okay with where I am now. I am happy. I am not frustrated with anxiety on a Friday night thinking how I messed up on a date. Or thinking how I fucked up a reply to a girl by sending a stupid question or making a dumb statement. 

I’m spending time watching someone entertain me and making me laugh in the comfort of my own home. All this without the drama of chasing someone with the probability of it crashing down and sending one into the depths of sadness. So yeah I think with this, I’m pretty much done with real life (holy shit).

---

Anyway, my education came to an end today, I collected my $50000 paper earlier at noon. Life is school was okay, I learnt a lot about myself. And I did get a full time job. It pays pretty well, so I’m not complaining. Updates are long and far apart because I haven’t reflected much recently, but here it is.

ciaos.

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October, bad luck (again)

Hi,

It’s October already, where has the time gone? Well, COVID-19 has taken it. Staying at home seems to make time pass faster. Which is... Well, a good thing.

Just wanted to update on my job situation, I’m in my final month of my 6 month long internship. I was told by my supervisor that my company was hiring a full-time developer and asked if I was interested in it. I told him yes and after a week, I was told that HR has said they are reducing overhead and could potentially reduce my contract to a traineeship.

I have nothing against my supervisor, he has been nothing but amazingly patient and understanding. Despite not being a programmer himself, he understands the workflow and timeline for developing software.

But I digress, the main point is that I do not want to be doing something I’ve been doing 4 years of my life under a traineeship contract. It’s unfair to me.

I’ve started mass sending my resume to various companies. Most have rejected me. No prizes for guessing why. Most Singaporean companies look at paper instead of skills, my BAGD degree was probably tossed in a bin. However, a certain company recently got me for an interview for a full-stack developer traineeship. I’ll update on that if anything good happens.

---

Btw, I love Vtubers so much. I’ve recently started to watch Vtubers from different agencies. Pikamee from VOMS Project is my favourite kettle. Her laughter is so contagious, and I love that she’s so happy when she’s playing games. She gives a similar vibe to our resident dog god, Korone.

Alright that’s it for today.

ciaos.

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Vtuber Rabbit Hole

I’m down the rabbit hole fellas.

I found this incredibly sweet moment between two vtubers (who were good friends even before they started their careers) and I wanted to immortalise it on my blog.

It did, however, made me realise how lonely I was.

---

ciaos

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On dating again

Hi,

Wow two posts in April, I’m really spoiling myself aren’t I. Am I even allowed to post that much in such a short span? Surely life has taken a turn for the worst?

Not really, there has just been a lot of self-reflection going on throughout this wuhan/corona virus period. Am I wasting my life away doing nothing? Why can’t I pursue my interests? What even are my interests? Honestly, the answer to these questions seem to slip away from my fingers like grains of sand.

I feel that almost everyone around me has life figured out, I know this is just an illusion and probably only 80% of these people have life figured out. But alas, even if they didn’t have life figured out, their road has been paved... Well not “paved” per se, but they have safety nets for them already prepared by their parents.

Is just jealousy? Well, yeah, kinda. Sometimes being born with a stainless steel spoon sucks, but I guess if we’re looking for some positivity, then at least I wasn’t born with a wooden one. Of course it eventually got downgraded to a wooden one, but at least I spent 9 years of my life living in bliss... I think?

---

Anyway, back to the crux of this post. I thought about what others see when they think about people who choose to give up on relationships. I put myself in their shoes (which is one of the things I wanted to do more of in 2020, empathy) and gave a little thought about it.

The questions they ask, “Why don’t you just try dating again? It wouldn’t hurt.”. Or, “You can always try again, the ocean is so big.”.

I had an epiphany as I asked myself the questions they posed. Why don’t we do these suggestions? 

I realised that it is because I always fall too deep.

Always.

Every single time I talk to a girl, or go on a date with her, I fall too deep. To everyone else (especially to those who always ask the above questions), they don’t.

They date and talk with no attachments. I’m in awe. How does one achieve that? I seem to always feel connected to every single girl who’s ever taken a slight interest in me. Why do I always fall into this trap?

There is so much mental pain and stress involved for me when a girl drops me off. But for them, I’m just another guy in their long list of guys.

I remember every single detail of every girl I’ve ever dated, and all I saw were my flaws.

And the answer to your question is that I will never again subject myself to the game of mental ping pong and minesweeper.

It’s okay, I am fine by myself, I am not lonely or anything. Life is uh... Quieter as more friends get married, but I will become better for myself.

You don’t have to worry.

ciaos.

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The never-ending end

Hi,

It’s 2020 already. I’ve made it to April without blogging. Not sure if I should be sad or happy about that, but I was feeling a little down today so I guess here I am.

---

I ORD-ed in 2016. Despite the blood and sweat and unfair treatment (due to the hierarchical nature of the military), I guess I could say that it was truly the last time I had fun.

What is “fun” to me anyway? I haven’t found that out yet. Do people live their entire lives not knowing what was fun for them? Could it only be a minority? ... Could it only be me?

It’s 2020 and I have 2 more semesters of internship to be done before I graduate from university. That’s right. That’s it. I’m done with school. After 20 odd years of education, I am finally complete. Another Singaporean cog, freshly manufactured from the education factory.

I’m not complaining, I am happy. But not in the way that makes me excited. Is there a word for that? Maybe “satisfied” fits better. Yes. I am satisfied that I am finally completing my education. It’s not a big deal, there are thousands of graduates every year, I’m just another person.

Honestly, I never thought I’d get this far, so I’m still pretty lost. I did, however, find an internship. A lucky opportunity I guess, considering that we are having the whole corona virus saga happening now. I will be making AR software using MagicLeap. It sounds interesting, so I think I’m looking forward to it.

---

Any updates on love for 2020? Not really.

I stopped thinking about it since C happened.

I gave up.

Sorry.

ciao.

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“Being sad is a waste of time.”

Hi,

I think it’s incredibly insensitive and heartless to tell someone who is sad that the way they are feeling is a waste of time. Can you even imagine what sort of trouble or anxiety that person is going through? Sadness is relative, someone’s small problems may be a major one to somebody else.

It is truly sad that we don’t think about this often.

Perspective.

---

How often do look through another’s person’s eyes? We are often so stuck in self-obsession - unconsciously or consciously - that we fail to understand that everyone has their own take on things.

Even I make that mistake sometimes. Are human beings just hardwired not to think from that point of view? Of course, I’m not saying that we aren’t sympathetic, we are definitely hardwired to help people in need (notwithstanding the bystander effect). But we aren’t being empathetic enough.

The act of placing oneself in another person’s shoes seems foreign in our daily lives, I wonder if children are capable of empathy at their age. If they are, wouldn’t child development be better if they were taught empathy?

But, I digress.

I think it’s incredibly hurtful to say that to anyone. Being sad is never a waste of time, there are times where we need to vent. Putting on a mask and saying that everything is okay... is not okay. If you do that, you’re only closing the doors on demons that will eventually be released anyway.

I’d like to imagine that there is an emotional chamber in our minds. It is capable of handling multiple and sometimes conflicting emotions (when you laugh so hard, you cry), it is also capable of suppressing them for later “use” (getting scolded and going to the toilet to cry later).

What happens if you hold it in? Do these emotions go away? I think that the only thing this emotional chamber is incapable of is self-cleaning. It does not get rid of the emotions you suppress, it is only kept deeper and deeper the longer you hold it in.

What happens then? Does this chamber reach capacity and eventually leads to someone crying or angry outburst? Or does it metastasise into something devastating like depression? I think it is up to the individual’s response to how the emotional chamber in their mind works.

In this case, I guess it can be said that being sad is a way of the emotional chamber cleaning itself. In this regard, I wish for everyone to let their emotions go and never let someone tell you otherwise.

---

This was going to be a post talking about depression and suicide, but I saw a tweet saying that being sad is a waste of time and I got triggered so here we are.

ciao.

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Happiness

Hi,

This coming birthday, i’ll be 25 years old.

Twenty-five. Shocking, time passes so fast I’m already through with 1/4 of my lifespan.

Throughout these 25 years, I’ve made a ton of friends. They always keep me going, barely making through each day without a thought of off-ing myself.

Of course, eventually, we all know that friendships don’t last. This is because ‘love’ is the next step to friendship, a sacred relationship held by two people. What does this mean for friends?

People tell me (even I tell myself), when I see my friends going into a relationship, I should be happy for them. They have evolved their friendship, therefore I should accept that they spend less time with me. Schedules change, habits broken. Weekend meetings? Gone. Game nights? Gone.

People tell me I should be happy for my friends that have found their other half, and I am. I’ll always be there for them, no matter what.

...

But, when is it my turn to be happy?

ciao.

[seacharge]

Creating meaning

Hi,

Just some updates on life. That adjunct lecturer thing? Didn’t happen, someone else got the job before me. I knew it was too good to be true. I’m not terribly saddened by it, i’ve gone through enough sadness and disappointment to prep for it. When you have low expectations, nothing feels sad when it doesn’t happen.

Today my two friends, K and P were talking about couple stuff. It was fun listening to them rant, I love being a listening ear for them, they are my friends. K is currently in a relationship and P just broke off from one, as they both share their experiences I can’t help but imagine myself having these memories. How does it feel like to have someone to miss? How does it feel like to have someone to care for?

All these questions, I ask yet I still can’t find the answer to.

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Sometimes people tell me not to give up looking for my other half. You know the standard forest or fish story. I keep telling them that I do not want a relationship, there’s a difference between not wanting a relationship and being unable to find one.

I blame myself for my own incompetence, it’s pretty terrible, considering that I’ve only ever crushed/dated a handful of girls.

pq, e, t, m, c.

Oh crap, that’s literally five girls I remember dating. Obviously, none of them bore any fruit. And if out of the five, nothing came out of it, I can only assume that I’m just a terrible person.

I think out of the five, I only ever crushed hard on M. Funny, we even held hands for a while, albeit we weren’t on a relationship. Holding hands... It’s a nice feeling, isn’t it? Every time my brain decides to play a memory of us holding hands, I bury my face in my hands and hurt a little bit.

But those days are over I guess. I’m done being in pain, I really can’t subject myself to the mental torture of the game of love any more. I’m so sorry society, I’m just trash. I’ll leave love and procreation to others.

ciao.

[seacharge]

Another Beginning

Hi,

It’s 2019.

Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.

Life has finally been kind to me; I’ve might have the chance to actually teach Unity in a polytechnic as an adjunct lecturer. I didn’t want to blurt out anything at first since it’s not official yet, but I really can’t help myself as it’s possibly the most positive thing that has happened to me for quite some time.

This could probably help me attain a career in education. As long as people are willing to learn, I am willing to teach. But alas, if things don’t go well and I don’t get the job, I’ll still go on with life.

I’ve been reading The Antidote by Oliver Burkeman, it’s one of the most therapeutic reads. It’s funny because I swore never to get another non-fiction book after Guns, Germs and Steel because I can’t keep my eyelids open while reading it. Sure, it’s interesting as heck (I love history) but I can’t seem to stay awake reading it. Perhaps I should just stick to watching Youtube instead. 

Anyway, back to The Antidote, I’m about halfway through the book and the author seems to be on a journey of discovering various types of methods people use to “let go”. To reiterate, we shouldn’t be too attached to events unless it is life-threatening. This, of course, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t care. Letting go simply means acceptance of events, letting it go and acting upon it.

It may sound weird, so here’s an example. Say you had a terrible fuck up at work because a colleague did something wrong. Do you get angry at the colleague? Why should you? Instead, realise that the situation has already passed and there is nothing you can do to change that. Instead of wasting energy and time arguing, solve the damn problem instead. The pent up anger and frustration you’d be experiencing are known as “Stoicism”, which has its roots in Greek philosophy.

Meanwhile, I still have a ton of books in the backlog that I’m struggling to finish. Perhaps the time will come when I can finally sit down on a comfy chair and read my life away.

ciaos.

[seacharge]

Long-term Realistic Goals

Hi,

Thought I’d pen down my long-term goals for the next decade.

1) Able to apply for BTO with Singles Grant @ 35

As a single I can only apply BTOs for 2-room flats. My room in my old flat will be rented out and 100% of the money will be given to my mother.

2) Have a stock portfolio of over 30k @ 35

I think this is one of the most important saving goals for me as it will allow me to have a wider selection of houses for BTO. Also, if I decide to go resale, I can use this as the first payment too!

3) Beginner level skill with an instrument @ when I feel like it

I know I’ve been telling myself I need to pick up an instrument, but I’ve got around to doing that. I really need to do this.

4) Travel solo @ after my first year at an actual job

A pure solo travel experience with myself. I need to do this for me.

5) Finish writing a story @ when I feel like it

The only candidate I forsee is the “Blades” project. Feel free to read it on my writing blog.

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These aren’t set in stone, but I think it’s good for my mental health to be able to look forward to events and things. I don’t want to be the kind of person to take things extremely seriously to the point where if I don’t meet one of them I’d kill myself off... (Although that doesn’t sound too bad either lol)

ciaos.