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[seamuenster]

Returning

There is always work to do. I think of Mary Oliver’s poem about the ocean and its perpetual motion, always always moving to stay balanced. That’s what studying ecology taught me. Most people wouldn’t imagine it to have spiritual teachings but working in nature absolutely does. And devoting your energies to any project absolutely does. Ecology has helped me grow in these dimensions. 

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thesis #2

Dude. I am confused and nerd raging.

Well, first off, let me acknowledge some good news. I got my isotope results back. I think I got all of the results back but it turns out, I’ve not sent out the algae results for analysis. BUMMER because I think it could be interesting. That’s 2 things I didn’t need to bother with collecting when I had many things to actually worry about. 

Luckily, the insects were processed with minimal issues despite there also being minimal tissues to work with. Way to go Ben at the isotope core lab. Could’ve been bad. 

I could ask why bother but WHY BOTHER. It’s best to move on with what I have, which is still more than what is currently published on insects in these systems. So now it’s time to get it out there.

You have plenty of data on the spiders and insects, and a rough sketch of the community structure. Next, we make something of it. We sit still and listen to what the data has to say. 

[seamuenster]

Spaceman

I’ve had an interesting summer, and past two weeks. After completing my fellowship in North Carolina on August 11, and saying my goodbyes to John and Wendy Stanton, Kendall Smith, Gabrielle Graber, and Mark Arnold, I drove back home to hang out with Scott for a couple of hours. We did fieldwork at a beautiful state park, then walked to get tacos, and I crashed at his place until it was time to make a flight to Miami. 

Home was really nice and slower-paced than usual. I dragged the family out to a walk one night, we watched Fantastic Beasts, set up Rodannie’s tropical-themed classroom, enjoyed an Indian dinner prepared by Rodannie’s boyfriend Dave, enjoyed two birthday cakes prepared by yours truly, and went to Hollywood Beach for some sun and salt water. I didn’t want to come back but we had something special planned for the eclipse.  

Scott’s family rented a cabin in Cadiz, KY-- one of the areas that would be on the path of totality for August 21′s solar eclipse. It was also going to be 3 of our birthdays in this order: Scott’s mom’s on the 18th, Scott’s uncle on the 19th, mine on the 20th. We had 3 nights of birthday celebrations. I got to enjoy his wonderful family and get a better sense of their family dynamics. One of their friends, Teddy, was visiting from Indiana just before heading out to Portland. He was funny and delightful.

The eclipse was beautiful. It happened over the course of about 2 hours midday. C1 stage or when the moon first begins to cover the sun seemed to drag on and then when the sun looked like a crescent sliver of moon-cheese, the light around us began to change. Everything was quieter because the cicadas had stopped chirping, thinking it was dusk. But the light wasn’t that of dusk, or dawn. The color was slightly off-- like an unnatural light environment I’ve never seen. The closest may be the grey you get with a storm has moved in. But the water and wind was calm so it didn’t quite feel like that either. It was then that we began to see the shadow banding on a white that we had laid out on the grass. It looked like footage of waves as you swished across water on a boat. That’s what it looked like to me.

The light continued to change until we had totality, and we could then remove our speciall glasses and see the corona. It was at this point that I was struck with the magic of it all and moved to tears. Here we are, little blips in time and space living with so much hope and intention to find meaning in it. It felt like one of the many possible answers. I had lived 27 years and 1 day and some part of me felt that it was my fate to be there at that moment.

I’ll leave it there because the next day has been far less glorious with insanity from returning traffic, a car break-in, and mostly just exhaustion. Today will be better. I know it.

[seamuenster]

all that we hope for

sitting on the mat

waiting for five days from now

hoping it passes in a blink

hoping that blink changes my perspective

a glimpse of darkness

and then new light.

[seamuenster]

Play in the mud some time.

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tears, sweat, or the sea

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suffolk

Depression. My experiences are filtered through its scratchy foggy lens. I wanted to come be here among lovely friends to chase it away. It helped to an extent... to be with new people my age, but I couldn’t open up. Just got to see what everyone is up to. I feel too vulnerable to open myself up to joy and love right now.

I’m even letting go of the boy. It’s too much weight to carry and I’m not in good enough mental strength to do.

[seamuenster]

in my elements

I’m at the coffee house of Columbia, waiting for a piping hot cup of joe that sits on the small table beside my couch-throne to cool down. Until then, I’ll try writing to regain focus. After my earlier breakfast post, I drove south to Pea Island NWR and ran 3 miles of trail around the pond.

I showered at Coquina Beach and even though I had forgotten my towel, the sun was so intense that the water simply evaporated in a few minutes. I laid my clothes out to dry for a bit and then I headed back to Columbia. 

I was only at elements for a bit because they were having a private event upstairs and tables were full on the first level so I walked back to the studio and started trimming my bowls and cups. I ruined one of the bowls by trimming through it but made another small bowl with a nicer form and then two little cups for cafecito. Next time, I’ll try to make Ma and Scott soup bowls. 

[seamuenster]

Probabilities

What is the probability of being of Colombian descent, living in a city named Columbus, then a Columbia, where you are studying Columbidae? It all traces back to the peaceful nature of the mourning dove. 

I can chalk it all up to probabilities, but I don’t really want to. :]

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A review of bird bioenergetic parameters

Energetic value of habitat types (relate land cover classes to energy availability and expenditure), flight speed, flight costs, basal metabolic rate, average energy reserved, average flight distanced, _______________

Which of these are pertinent to shorebird and long-legged wader species?

For those parameter values not found in the literature, how are these measured and how can I ask for this data? How does one quantify uncertainty of these data (i.e., expert elicitation)?

Collect sources in EndNote. Collect values in Access. Create forms in Access.

How can these parameters be used to evaluate trade-offs among the three guilds?

This is my project for the next 11 weeks.

[seamuenster]

checking in

hi again. 

you know how when you check-in to a hotel and enter your room for the first time. it’s entirely unfamiliar and at the same time, it will be home and it will be all yours. it’s comforting to be allowed a place that is all your own, a home away from home. i’m not very good at taking space and that means that i often don’t feel at home in public spaces. but here i am, siting in another human’s bed. a human that i’ve been intimate. one who has been to my homes, my mind and body. a human who has trusted me in to their home, mind, and body. 

i can say goodbye right now. i would be a disaster but not much worse than what i already was. i feel like i’m shrinking as a person. it’s awful. 

what i NEED to do is take up space. let this person know what i need and what i want. it’s an equal partner. not someone who ties my shoelace, cooks me dinner, tells me i look pretty, but a partner. 

[seamuenster]

journey

I coped with a few things well today. 

The day began in Scott’s bed, after a night slept as apart as two people can when they’re sharing a bed. It was as though I was entirely alone. We had had a late quiet dinner the night before and then enjoyed some time in bed before tiring out and essentially passing out. It was the kind of sex that makes you feel young and independent but it wasn’t passionate. In other words, it was a selfish night, together.

Are we both struggling to hold onto our independence?

It made it easier to roll out of bed without caring if he was ready to get up or snuggle. I sifted through my emails and surfed reddit but it wasn’t long before he got up to see what I was up to. 

When he started to play rocket league, I knew it was time to fucking go but not before I would make myself the breakfast I wanted. 2 eggs, my leftover rice and beans scrambled with chorizo. We prepped our breakfast the way we each wanted it and ate it together, quietly again. At this point, we both knew something was up. He went back to playing rocket league as I told him I was going. The indifference was infuriating. He stopped to say bye, which assuaged that feeling a bit. I felt frustrated with everything as I drove to a starbucks in part to spite him. The silent rage and caffeine coursed through my veins fueling a full day of labwork. So productive when I’m mad!

I tried to make some contact. I opened up. I offered to pick him up and take us to my favorite restaurant for some comfort food. He was cold and withdrawn. We ate but it was tense. I tried to hug him as we were leaving and didn’t get anything reciprocated. Reached my boiling point in the car and I told him that I didn’t want to deal with it (as kindly as I could muster) and would take him home now.

He apologized when we got home, asked for a hug, and told me he loved me. I felt manipulated to say it back because its like a reflex when I really wasn’t feeling very much in love at that moment. I brought this up when he texted to apologize and thank me. I’m glad I said this. It may have been imperfect timing and ugly but it does bother me that he defers to saying sweet nothings when things are not going well.

He blamed it on a depressive episode. I called bullshit. What is that going to do for us? Am I just supposed to be okay with that? I’m not. I’m not deserving of that hurt being deflected at me. 

Maybe I should have listened when he said he was happy being alone and didn’t want to leave the house. But I also think it’s good to face this head-on at least the first time. Not-talking about it would be poison. He says he isn’t motivated, is struggling in social situations, and doesn’t want to do anything. Yes that sounds like he’s in a shit mood but he’s not the only one affected by it. We have to be considerate of each other. We have to take care of each other. So we are going to the gym tomorrow morning. Because starting early makes a big difference to me, and it might also make a difference for him. 

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step sleep.

[seamuenster]

I know you care.

I know you care. We won’t do anything about it because we know better.

[seamuenster]

blue space

A minor setback: clumsily dropping my laptop on the ground, affecting its ability to be a functional laptop anymore

Having an amazing job, parents, and friends has meant that I still have access to internet and even back-up laptops like the one I am typing on at the present. It has only slightly deterred me from spilling my guts out on my blue and loving blog. It’s not really something that can be done just anywhere on any machine. 

Marybeth and I are home enjoying a caturday evening. She’s watching this awesome movie “Look Who’s Back” about Hitler time-traveling-- if I didn’t need to write so desperately and if it wasn’t entirely in German, I would be absorbed. It’s good to be back in this space. 

[seamuenster]

sometimes you know

After a while, people reveal themselves clearly. Some are pure love. Eres un amor, I think. And I count myself lucky to know these beautiful souls. I want to be like them, but do they feel hurt when it’s not reflected? Because I do. Do they change the way they act around people who judge them? Or do they continue to think, speak, act with love simply because it’s in their nature?

[seamuenster]

almost

It’s the second week of October. I’m recognizing behavioral and cognitive patterns that I’m afraid of. One is avoiding work and allowing it to build, the second is fostering insecurities and friendvy, the third is looking to the past and wanting to bail out of the present.

There it is: the naked truth that I’ve needed to face for a while now. Shall I finally attempt to unpack this mess?

Avoiding work is the easiest to deal with. Work, I can fucking do. I can try to enforce work quotas-- beginning to work a minimum of 10 hours on lab work a week and moving up to 15-20 hours per week. This will mean being at Kottman more but that also means more time to yourself, with podcasts, with your samples. This means less energy to do the rest though and you have to be ok with that. Waking/sleeping early to take care of yourself. Begin tomorrow.

The insecurities and friendvy is tougher. I was thinking of what I would tell them old-friends, now-strangers, if I were to see them again. Many ends have been cut loose when I just dropped off and didn’t communicate, just trying to mend my end. With such a supportive bunch of people around me, I don’t want this to be our fate. I want to hold on to them, and lift them and myself. That means taking care of the relationship and nourishing it. This is what is natural to me, which is why deviating from that feels shitty. 

Here’s to turning things around <3 Over and out.

[seamuenster]

charlie bit me

Sorta painful experiences today:

- Dental cleaning (no cavities!)

- Soccer practice (no injuries!)

- Getting bit by a hamster (right after he fell down the stairs in his ball)

- Socializing (made too many commitments but followed through!)